1 BOTH LAUGH I will wait for you. Whoa! THUD! I have a spare room. Yes. Betty. Whoa! THUD! She's dumped you, bro. Who is the DILF? Stop being such a sluz. (SCREAMS) StepDILF owns a bar? Shoes? ROCK MUSIC Where are your pants? ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES I'm off. I leave in two weeks. You do have Dave to help. Where's the shuttle? One of us could've taken you to the airport. I know, but it's easier this way. It's less fuss. Oh for God's sake, woman, I thought you'd be pleased to see the back of me. Oh, of course not. Why are they crying? Cos they're pussies. MARION: I'll be back soon. I mean... cos they'll miss her. WOMEN SOB Bye-bye. Bye, Gran. Love you. Bye! See you Marion. Safe travels. Why are you so upset? Dave, she lived with us for eight years. And now you have me. FUNKY MUSIC Yes, she's gone! I can do what I want, be as loud as I want and eat as much as I want. Has your girlfriend gone away? My girlfriend lets me eat and be loud. Cara is not my mother. OK, defensive guy. (DIALS PHONE) Heya. What're you wearing? Uh, Marion's old apron. Oh. You should wait up for me and we should, uh, celebrate our newfound freedom. (SNIFFLES) Are you crying? No, no, no, no. I'm just chopping some onions. I'm trying her shepherd's pie. The kids just love her cooking. The kids haven't tried my arse-attack chicken curry. And they're not going to. Mum, this came undone when the Prince of Urudidore violently attacked me. He what? Don't worry, he's really a she and only 4"6'. But I forgot to ask Gran to fix it before she went. Cara? I wanna wear it to school tomorrow. Can you do it? > Hello? Uh, Jas, what's all that? Pizza and fizzy drink. But I'm making Gran's spec` Mum? Cara! Scarlett, I failed form one sewing! The needle on the machine broke and it hit Mrs Stevens in the breast. Uh, Jas, what have I told you about takeaways? You're meant to ask first. Soz, Mrs Gray. My bad. Yeah, Rose spent her whole allowance so don't be mean. School camp! School camp! This week! This week! Oh shoot! Is everything OK? School camp. I said I'd be parent help. It'll be so much fun with you there! You seriously can't sew? That's pretty weak, Mum. I signed the slip weeks ago, before Marion decided to go away. Oh, yeah, Mum, Rose is staying the night, K? (SCOFF) Hopeless. I'm going to look for my sleeping bag, and one for you, Mum! Cara? Bloody hell. What? I never learnt to sew, Jas is OD-ing on junk food, and Logan's got this overnight school camp thing that I clearly can't go to! Oh, please come home, Marion. No! We'll be fine. Gotta go. DOOR CLOSES Hi. You stayed up for me. Mm. I can't sleep. Too stressed. Oh, you didn't stay up for me. I'm gonna have to tell Logan that I can't be parent help. What about me? What, you're gonna go to school camp with Logan? Shit, no. I'll stay here with the girls while you go. I... didn't think of that. What? Don't you trust me or something? Yeah, of course I do. Mm. Problem solved, then. OK. Problem solved. UPBEAT MUSIC Hi. Hi. I'm Rose's dad, Eugene. I'm Cara. Nice to meet you, finally. Uh, I did give Jasmine my number to pass on to you so we could touch base. She never said anything. Teenagers. (CHUCKLES) You see, I like to know where my kids are, what kind of friends they're with and, well, who their parents are. I suppose you` you could've called me. I didn't want you to feel on the back foot. (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry? Look, I try not to listen to gossip, but... Gossip? Jasmine and some older boy? Guy in a rock band...? Oh, you mean Liam. No, no. That was nothing. She ran away from home to be with him. Hardly! They` They were at a Christian camp. He's a Christian. He` He works with my partner. Um, yeah. He` He's only 17 or 18. Liam, not my partner. And he's married, actually, with a baby. He wasn't at the time. Um, look, Jasmine is just a kid, and there was nothing. At all. OK. Th-The thing is, Cara,... Yeah. ...my Rose is very innocent. She is only 15. So is Jasmine. But Rose is a very young 15. OK. I don't want her to feel like she's out of her depth. (SCOFFS) Jasmine is a very good kid. She likes to push things a bit, like most teenagers, but we have got strict rules, and she is a good girl. Great. Hey, this is just me being open and transparent, right, just making sure that we're on the same page with boundaries. I'm sure we are. (CHUCKLES) Daddy! Hey, Rosebud. Hi, Mr Russell. Jasmine. Bye. Thanks for having me, Cara. You're welcome, honey. Well, it's nice to finally meet you. Arrogant, smug, patronising git! He had this smile that made me wanna... punch him in the face. Cara! Sounds like a prat. Like most men. How are you doing? I'm annoyed at myself, that's all. Not heartbroken, just feeling stupid. We all go a bit crazy when we go through major break ups. You know what? No more men. I don't need them. They're nothing but trouble. So true. Let's make it official. Let's be man-free. I'm already man-free. So let's stay that way. Let's focus on what's most important in life. Which is...? For me, my career. OK. I can focus on my career. And you can keep focusing on your toy boy. He is minding the girls tomorrow night so I can take Logan to school camp. That's brave of you. He'll be like Scott Baio in 'Charles in Charge'. (CHUCKLES) He'll be fine. Why would he not? TINKLING MUSIC No takeaways, no sleepovers, no electronics after 9.30, which means no texting, Facebooking, snapchatting, tweeting or skyping, unless it's Marion. I do know all of this. I know. And I trust you. I really do. Now, girls, no takeaways, no sleepovers, no electronics after 9.30, which means no texting, Facebooking, snapchatting, tweeting or skyping, unless it's your Gran. Yes, mother. Understood. Come on. OK. Let's go. All right. See you all tomorrow! See ya. Bye. Bye. All right, m'ladies, what's on the agenda for today, then? Wanna hang out? We have this thing called school. Yeah, I knew that. See you when you get home! Piece of piss. Now, I won't be able to stay in the same dorm as you, but I'm not gonna be far away so if you ever get scared in the middle of the night, you can just call me` Sam! Bye, Mum! (SIGHS) MUTTERS: Oh shoot. I didn't know you had a younger daughter too. Uh, a son. Logan. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Abby. Oh, so Rose is Abby's big sister? Jasmine never told me that. Teenagers. Uh, Abby came to Logan's birthday. My wife would've been on party duty. Oh. Usually she'd be here as well, but she got a promotion recently, and I'm working from home now, so I'm getting more involved in what the girls are doing. Um, Eugene? Your daughter is um... Ow! Daddy! Oh. Bloody hell. Logan, come here! She started it. I know, darling, I saw. But two wrongs don't make a right, OK? 1 It was only a matter of time. What? You being dumped with the kids. I wasn't dumped. One minute you're on top of the world, she can't keep her hand out of your pants, the next thing you know you're stuck with two 9-year-old twins and an ADHD toddler and she's nowhere to be seen. Then you find out there's a problem with pokies and gambling, she checks herself into rehab, and who's in charge of the kids? You. Never again. Cara's girls aren't children. They're teenagers. Yeah, the Star Wars one popped her chezza at mine a while back. When you were meant to be looking after her. Why would you put me in charge of a teenager? That's just dumb. You need to maintain authority. Those kids, they can smell weakness. They haven't called me 'bum wipe' for a while. (SCOFFS) Probably just trying to soften you up. Next thing you know it's underage sex, drinking, drugs, car conversion... In one night? It doesn't hurt to assume the worst. Worst case scenario is me stuffing it up and Cara begging Marion to come back. Which is not... going... to happen. UPBEAT MUSIC (GASPS) Shitballs. PHONE RINGS (PANTS) Hello? Hi honey, is everything OK? Yep. Sweet. Just um, making dinner. Wait. You're not making your arse-attack chicken curry, are ya? Maybe. No, no, no. Dave. No. No! OK, I won't. (GASPS) Ask me what I'm wearing. What are you wearing? Marion's apron. Oh right. What's up? (GROANS) Look, Eugene's here. Who? Rose's dad. And Abby's dad. You remember Abby? No. (SNIFFS) Logan's friend, the mean one. She came to his birthday party. She said it was lame. She is horrible, which I know is a mean thing to say about a little girl, but now that I've actually met her father, I` BRIGHTLY: Hi. Hi? No, not you. Gotta go. Talk later. Activities have started. Abby's in your team, by the way. Sorry, just had to` Don't worry, I've covered for you with the teachers. But you better get there, eh? Oh, look, it's Scott Baio! Who? Charles in Charge. Yep. Fitting. So, Charles, aren't you supposed to be looking after the girls? They're at school. And I'm actually here organising their dinner. Cara said no takeaways. Your takeaways, Dave. (SNIGGERS) Shouldn't you be at work or something? Thanks, Georgia. Um, I left my phone here yesterday. Hello. Hey. I'm just meeting a couple of colleagues. They'll probably sniff at the place, but I like it here. Me too. But I haven't seen you here for a while. Oh, I'm just spending a lot of time at home. Being sensible and non-spontaneous? Yes. Yes, I am. Well, that's good. You two are hilarious. Sorry? You've either recently slept together or you're about to. Uh, no. Sorry, Miss Sexpert, or whatever you are. Really? There's nothing going on? No, not a thing. Hm, so the way's clear? Huh? Phil is sex on legs ` those blue eyes. That hot suit-and-tie thing... So if there's nothing happening with you, I'm so there. He` He is way too old for you! Nah. I've always fancied doing an older guy. Cheers. Uh you should probably know that he is going through a divorce, so, you know, maybe you shouldn't. I don't mind being a rebound. It's such a perfect, uncomplicated opportunity. Georgia. Hi. Thank you. What can I get you? UPBEAT MUSIC PUMPS IN BACKGROUND Hey. Party time! Pizzas from The Playground. I'll heat them up for tea, and then I thought a movie. And... popcorn... Hiya! Oh yays, hi! Rose is staying over tonight. Oh, but your mum said` Yeah, well, Mum's away, with Rose's dad and little sister. And Rose's step-mum is working late so she'd be like, home alone. All right? dumped today by Brody, by text. He lives in Australia and doesn't wanna do an LDR. So I better stay cos Jas is, like, gutted. K? It's serious. Jasmine, one. Dave, zero. Nah, I was just` Her friend's probably better at dealing with tears and that girlie shit, so... I think it's admirable that you're making an effort. I promise to tell Mum that you tried. Guys? Pizza! Logan? Hey, what happened? Some of the bigger boys were teasing him. Oh honey. They said that Santa Claus was just your dad. But it can't be because my dad lives in Australia with Mandy! It's all right, mate. It's all right. He went away when I was in Mum's tummy, but then one day Dave was in our house in the nude. He now lives with us and sleeps in Mummy's bed. Hey. That's OK, Logan, I'm sure Eugene doesn't need to know all of that. You know what, Logan? I have personal proof that Santa Claus really does exist. Now, this is top secret, OK? Last Christmas, Abby and I set up Santa Cam. It was a secret video camera disguised as an angel on the top of our tree. We caught actual video evidence of Santa Claus drinking the beer that we'd left out for him. Whoa. Mm. > So next time those big boys say anything, you just smile to yourself and go, 'Whatever.' WHISPERS: Because you know. (GIGGLES) Cool. (CHUCKLES) Nice. It's important they don't grow up too fast. Logan seems like a good kid. He is. He's a really good kid. All my three are. Right. Well, I should go and check in on the boys' dorm. Are you ready to see one of the most classic films ever? Yes, please! (SIGHS) MOVIE MUSIC PLAYS Movie's starting. Did you just`? What? Your butt's vibrating, Dave. PHONE VIBRATES Back in a minute. Hey, babe. WHISPERS: I'm sorry to ring. Everything's fine. What're they doing? Uh, watching a movie. MUTTERS: What the...? What's up? Nothing. It's all good. Everything is under control. I love you. Love you too. PHONE BEEPS OFF MAN YELLS ON TV 1 (SIGHS) Oh, shit! Looks like we had the same idea. Oh, um, I just took the last teabag. I could make you a hot chocolate. God, I wish I'd snuck in some wine. It's irresponsible to even joke about bringing alcohol to camp, Cara. (LAUGHS) Come on, I'm kidding. Do you really think I'm that much of a twat? Did you not read the information sheet, Eugene? Strictly no alcohol. So you won't share it with me? (SCOFFS) UPBEAT MUSIC PUMPS Another complaint about the vodka. Are you all right? Yeah, it's nothing. It doesn't look like nothing. What the hell? What are you doing here? We came for some dinner. What, a date? No. A work thing? Azza, you and me are not together, so what I do is none of your business. Are you free tomorrow at 8.45 for a pre-work shag? OK. Hugo? Hey it's` it's all right. I just need a break. Mrs Jenkins is a bit scary. You should've heard her when Logan accidentally bought a marijuana leaf to school with him. Sorry? He didn't know what they were. He, um... (CLEARS THROAT) He found them in our garden. Mother-in-law, um, medicinal purposes. Shit! You know, everything I say makes us sound crazy. I promise you, I am a normal mother-of-three. With a much, much younger partner. Look, I said I try not to listen to gossip. I didn't know he was 24 when I met` 24?! He's 25 now. (SCOFFS) Top up? Yeah. THUD! Oh! Shit! Oh. You OK? (GROANS) Bloody hell. Come here. (GRUNTS) It's my back. It's an old injury. I felt it start to go after the obstacle course today. Well, take your shirt off. I'll give it a rub. I'm a professional. That's what I do, OK? It's my job, I'm a masseuse. Beauty therapy. I own a spa. Right. For a second there I thought you were hitting on me. No. No. God, no. Well, I would be a fool to turn down your offer. Since you're a professional. OK, yeah, great, uh... (SIGHS) KEYPAD BEEPS, MOVIE PLAYS ON TV MOVIE CONTINUES PLAYING CELL PHONE CHIMES Yep. Don't you think it's a little bit stink to own a bar and leave the sick guy to look after it all the time? It's not all the time. Hugo is having chest pains, Dave. How bad? Are we talking ambulance time? We're talking about you getting your arse over here now, OK? CRACK! Oh! Sorry. You're really really tight. (SIGHS) Every time my back goes, it's a bitter reminder of the fact I'm over 40. Body's finally starting to pack up. Hey, we're not quite over the hill yet. And your body looks fine to me. Mummy? Wh`? What are you two doing out of bed? Abby had a nightmare so I helped her look for you, Mr Russell. What's the matter, sweetheart? Good on you, honey. Come here. Uh, Abby's dad and I were just having a cup of tea. But I think it's time we all go to bed now... ...before Mrs Jenkins tells us off. Thank you, Logan. You're a good man. Come on. Let's go. MOVIE PLAYS, CELL PHONE CHIMES Hello? Hey. It's Charles. You know, In Charge? What can I do for you, Dave? Can you come over and look after the girls tonight? Why? I've gotta go into work. Hugo's by himself and Georgia's got some hot date thing so she can't go in. Shit. Yeah, tell me about it. Who with? What? Georgia's hot date? I don't know. Uh, sorry. I've gotta go. Wait, can you`? Um, I've gotta go out. What? Where? Uh, to get us a DVD. Bye! No, no. You don't need to go out. I've got Apple TV and Phillip's hard drive. Who goes to DVD stores these days? Are there even any left? Are you sure you'll be OK? We're not babies, Dave. I'm so tired anyway. We'll probs just go straight to bed, right, Jas? Right. OK. I trust you guys. I'll be back by 1am, 2 at the latest. Bye, Dave. We'll be good. No electronics ` skyping, tweeting, snapchatting, Facebooking. If anyone needs me, I'll be on LARP-Chat. DOORBELL RINGS MELLOW MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES UPBEAT MUSIC PUMPS What the hell? You're supposed to be dying. Yeah, wasn't looking good for a while there, chest pains. Then he did this massive burp. And then I was fine. Bro, it was epic ` long, loud, deep, nasty. Yeah, anyway, it's good that you're here, cos we're bloody busy. C'mon. Shit. Hey, guys. Uh, is Georgia here? I told you, it's her night off. I just thought that she might be on her date here? Nah. New Mexican place across the street. How do you know? Well, I wanted to go, but she said three's a crowd. Huh, she doesn't usually think that. BOTH CHUCKLE Does anybody have her number? Why? Uh, no reason. She does girls too, y'know. Doesn't discriminate. Phone number? All right! Does Cara know you swing both ways, Jen? I don't... BOTH LAUGH Uh, you know what? Don't worry about it. She said she couldn't babysit tonight. 'Sorry, can't babysit; got an orgy to go to.' How rude (!) VOICEMAIL: You've reached Phillip Deering. Please leave a message. It's me. Jen. Again. Hi. Can you call me back when you get this? Please? Thanks. Bye. JAUNTY MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS I'm so sorry, I lied. Please don't sleep together. She wants to bone an older guy, and she loves kinky stuff, and she even wanted a threesome, and` Oh. Jen, this is my dad, Richard. Dad, this is Jen. Very nice to meet you. Who's minding the stepkids? They're old enough to look after themselves for a few hours. What is an LDR? Long distance relationship. Why? Jasmine's boyfriend broke up with her cause they're in a LDR. How old are they again? Scarlett is 17, Jas is 15. Teenage girls? Yeah. And you left them alone in the house tonight? And Jasmine's friend Rose, who's beginning to make` Hold on ` and one of them has just been dumped? So? Rookie mistake, Dave. Rookie mistake! You're the one who told me to come in! Oh boy. Nothing's gonna happen. We're cool. Hi, Dave. Yeah, everything's sweet here. You sure? Yeah you should totally just chill with your friends. Scarlett's in bed, and we're just gonna go to sleep. And, um,... you all OK about the LDR thing? (SCOFFS) Totes. Night, Dave. Great. Night. Sleep well. He bought it! LOUD CHEERING ROCK MUSIC BLASTS Free drinks for everyone! ALL CHEER You bought it? Just like that? It's a school night, right? Who has a party on a Thursday? Bro, what has become of you? OK, then, what about Scarlett? She's a total geek. She hates people and parties. And she would give me a call me if anything was happening. RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES ROCK MUSIC BLASTS OUTSIDE; TEENS LAUGH, SHOUT 1 PHONE VIBRATES Hello? I'm in Honolulu. It's more like America than a Pacific Island, but lovely. Exciting. I thought it might be a good time to skype the children. It would, but I'm at a school camp with Logan, and he's asleep. Where are the girls? Home. Who with? Dave. Is that a very wise idea? Look, he's been a part of the family for long enough now to handle them. Right. We miss you, Marion. Oh, likewise. In fact, I might just give the girls a quick skype to say goodnight. They'd love to hear from you. ROCK MUSIC BLASTS COMPUTER TRILLS It's Jasmine's Gran! Hi! Rose? Where's Jasmine? Uh... Sorry, Gran, I can't disturb her. I think she's about to get with Keanu, and she really needs to pash someone to get over Brody. GLASS SHATTERS Rose! Get me Dave. I-I thought he was supposed to be in charge! And who are all those people? SKYPE BEEPS OFF I'm not sure about this vodka. It's piss weak. Give us a go? Piss weak? It's like water. I think that is water. This is what you get when you buy booze from your cousins. Stop cutting deals for cheap alcohol or we will lose our customers. Dave, I just checked my phone. You really need to see this. Hang on, mate. CELL PHONE CHIMES Marion? Where are you? Hawaii. More to the point, where are you? Well, I know where you should be. Bro! Wait a second, you're actually calling me from halfway around the world to tell me off? I would make my way home right this minute if I were you. READS: Party at Jasmine Gray's right now. PS: No parents. (GASPS) Shit a freakin' brick! He's gonna need backup. KIDS SHOUT, LAUGH BOY: Gnomes away! Shi`! SHOUTING, LAUGHTER CONTINUES I am going to kill them. Guys, you have to go! Please! My stepdad will be here soon. Oh, her stepdad is such a babe. He wouldn't even care, Jas. He'll probs just party with us. Don't smoke in here, it stinks! Don't even worry. I really need everyone to go now! MUSIC STOPS, TEENS GROAN Every single one of you better get the hell out of this house before I throw you out... off the balcony. (SNORTS) TEENS CHEER, MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN Shit! Now what? Wing it. OK, party's over. Everyone get out the front door right now. Put your drinks down. Stop dancing. Stop dancing. You're not even cool. Off you go. Put that down. Thank you. CRASH! MUSIC STOPS PLAYING Come on, move it, people! Move it. Out of the way! DAVE: All right, everyone get out of here right now. Leave! Oh! What the`? All right, Goldilocks, beat it. Oh nice (!) JC made me see that I didn't need drink or drugs to be happy. And now I really like who I am. SLURS: I really like how are too. I'm calling you girls a cab. Bloody hell. Jesus Christ. Look familiar, mate? You got into my bar stocks? SLURS: Weeks ago! We've been replacing it with water! Genius! Rose! Jas! This is truly the shittiest thing you have ever done. KNOCK AT DOOR, DOORBELL RINGS PHONE VIBRATES Jen, where are you? Well, I do hope you haven't had a car accident or been trapped in some abandoned DVD store. Hey. Hey! What's up? Just finished a tedious work dinner up the road. What about you? Uh, just sort of... ...hanging around outside my house? Yes. And leaving me three messages. Georgia the waitress ` she wants to sleep with an older man. And she thinks you're sexy, which is weird, cos you look a lot like her dad. And she said she was going to make the move on you. But it turns out she didn't. No, she did. Well, she asked me out. Oh. But I turned her down. Jen, when I said I would wait for you, I meant it. I just barged into a restaurant and asked Georgia and her father not to sleep together. (LAUGHS) He really does look like you. Well, from behind. Crazy thing to do, huh? Very, um, spontaneous. So I guess I'm done being sensible and good. UPBEAT MUSIC (GIGGLES) TV PLAYS (TUTS) MUTTERS: Ridiculous. (TURNS TV OFF) Shall we stay and help you tidy up? Jasmine's gonna do that, even if it takes her all night. It was cool, kinda like Ghostbusters, with teens. It wasn't really that cool. Those girls were pretty wasted. HUGO: You're gonna pay this vodka back too, you little brat! I don't care how, but you're gonna do it. I'm sorry. (CHUCKLES DRUNKENLY) Put her to bed. With a bucket. And then you'd better get changed, because it looks like you're in for an all-nighter. (SIGHS) Shit. Whoa. What happened? Where the hell have you been? On a forum online with my headphones on. But your mum said there's no electronics after 9.30! (SCOFFS) Mum? She is gonna kill you. (SIGHS) MELLOW MUSIC Bye. Bye. She's alive. I thought you'd been taken hostage by one of those strange DVD store people. CHUCKLES: No. Well, what on earth happened, then? Well, I was in the comedy section, and I bumped into an ex. And one thing led to another, you know... You picked someone up? Yep. Dressed like that? He has really low standards. Jen, I thought we agreed to be man-free, to focus on the important things? We did. And I will. From now. Totally. (TUTS) Hey, thanks again for last night. Oh,... (CHUCKLES) Best sleep in ages. (CHUCKLES) I'll book in again if I get a niggle. Yeah, of course. Um, just... And, um, look, I'd like to apologise for the tense start between us. Oh, look, it's nothing. Rose's mother moved overseas recently, so now Rose is with my wife and I full-time. Ah. OK. Her and her step-mum have always had a bit of a personality clash. Look, Dave had it a bit rough with my girls in the beginning as well. But they're all good now. Happy families, thank goodness. BOTH CHUCKLE I know I can be a bit overprotective, but, um... KIDS CHEER ...my daughters ` they're everything to me. I get it. We just had a lolly scramble! C'mon, Daddy. All right! (LAUGHS) C'mon. Was it fun? You missed a spot. Don't be mean. I've been cleaning all night and all day! Yeah, me too. Thanks to you and your creepy friend. Rose is not a creep! Yes, she is. And a thief, both of you. OMG! You shouldn't leave alcohol in a house where there are impressionable teenagers around. Cut the crap, Jasmine. Bum wipe! And D-Bag! Hey, guess what? You're grounded. You can't do that. Yes, I can. I'm grounding you. I am grounding the shit out of you` You're not my dad. I wouldn't wanna be your dad. You are a piece of work, Jasmine Gray. You are an evil little` Hey! TEARFULLY: Mummy! (SOBS) Hey. Oh, n-no way. No you d` Cara, she is in so much trouble. (CONTINUES SOBBING) Why do we have to sit here? So that Mum can tear strips off Dave in private. Oh. Dave doesn't have any stripes. (CHUCKLES) Solid work, Jasmine (!) MUTTERS: Shut up. ...and then Xandra called from the bar, saying Hugo was having a heart attack so I had to go in. Is he OK? Fine. Turned out to be a massive burp. So I called Jen, but she was busy, except then she came into the bar so she can't have been that busy... Anyway, the girls swore that they were tired and about to go to bed. And Scarlett was here and pretty soon she'll be old enough to vote, you know? Anyway, it was all fine until Marion called and Liam showed me a post. They put it online, Cara, when I expressly told them no electronics after 9.30. I came home straight away to break up the party, And then Hugo found the alcohol we've been storing in the garage. Jasmine and Rose have been nicking it and watering it down. Water in the vodka, Cara. This is not cool at all. Shit. Neither is that. You do realise it wasn't me who had the party right? Jasmine is the one in the wrong here. Jasmine is a 15-year-old girl. She's meant to screw up. That's why you were in charge. Right. BLEARILY: Where am I? > Oh shit! Oh yeah, Rose is here. Has she been here all day? Sleeping it off? Oh, I really need to... (VOMITS) VOMIT SPLASHES Perfect (!) I'm sorry, Daddy. Get in the car now. I` I don't know what to say. My partner was called into work late last night, and... Where the hell did the kids get alcohol from? Dave has been storing some boxes in my garage. He owns a bar. Right. His business partner's been unwell. He thought the girls were going to bed. He's very trusting, and... I'm so sorry. I` I really am. It's OK. It's not your fault. You obviously thought that he was up to it,... but the guy's only 25 himself. Talk soon, eh? So, did you have an awesome time at camp? Yeah. We did orienteering and archery, and Abby's dad was in our group, and my team won. It wasn't a competition, darling. No, because Abby's dad and Mummy are friends now. Because they had a cup of tea together but Abby said it was really wine. And Eugene had no top on and Mummy was rubbing him. You were what? Awkward. Gross. He has a bad back, so I helped him out with a deep-tissue massage. So one minute he's a prat, the next minute you're massaging him? Do you really wanna do this right here, right now? Do what? Have an argument? Gran would tell us off if we had an argument at the dinner table. Gran's not here. Unfortunately. Excuse me. I need to have an early night. I had a terrible sleep in that sleeping bag. (TV) MAN: I have something I need to tell you. (TV) WOMAN: Don't say it. CELL PHONE CHIMES TV CONTINUES PLAYING (SNIFFLES) There's something in my eye. (SNIFFLES) Dust or something. I promise, Marion, everything's OK. Have a great time. Truly, Marion, just some teething problems. We'll be fine. You too. OK. Bye. (SIGHS) Jas did all the dishes. And I helped. You know I wasn't accusing you of anything,... with that massage biz. Good. Cos if someone's in pain, of course you're gonna offer help. Because you're kind,... and generous... and caring... Don't think you're gonna win me over with sex, Dave. MURMURS: I would never think that... (SIGHS) Mm. (MOANS) Mm`! Oh God, I` Hang on, what's that? Oh, arse! Oh my God, there's the rest of it! I found a couple of random teens in our bed. Little shits! And you didn't think of changing the sheets?! God! Cara, please! I am so unbelievably sorry about last night. I dropped the ball big time. Hey, people judge us, you know. They judge me ` 'you and your younger man'. Who says that? People! And since when do we care about what people think of us? We are happy! C'mon Cara, you can't sleep in that. You said it was uncomfortable` Right. (SIGHS) CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC (GRUNTS) MUSIC CONTINUES (SIGHS) Captions by June Yeow. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2015