1 Got any weed? Shit yeah. Pippa, babe. Don't touch me. BOTH SMOOCH Operation Get Betty Back. Remember? I'm not stupid, Jen. Shit balls. MAN: That horndog. What's his name? Eugene. Ohhh! Mummy? We're in business! (GIGGLES) No way she's gonna fall for that. I know. Right? # Gonna party till we drop. (CHUCKLES) # Till we... CHEERING, APPLAUSE # We're gonna party. # Gonna party till we drop... # Oi! Barkeep! Same again. You got any better music? Something less happy and cheerful and bloody la, la, la? Kind of want our punters to be happy and cheerful. Why? The world is a plate of crap at an all-you-can-eat buffet. It'd do people good to know that, eh, bro? Stewie, I think maybe it's time you should be heading home. Where? To my empty hotel room, you mean? Pippa left her deodorant there. Can't stop sniffing it. I'll get you that drink. # Push, push the button. # Baby. # Is he intoxicated? Nah, he's always a dick. So, why are you responsible for your missus' ex? Because I'm a dick. We were this close to having him married off and living happily ever after, far, far away. Yeah, you are a dick. (CHUCKLES) Phil, perhaps you could` Don't look at me. Not my family any more. (SOBS) Is he crying? SOBS: No. POP MUSIC PLAYS (CHUCKLES) (SIGHS) Remember you once told me to make a wish list of what I wanted in my perfect man? So you'd definitely know who he was when you met him. Mm-hm. Oh was underage on your wish list, Cara? This was before Dave. ALL CHUCKLE Anyway, I made one for what I think we should have in our new spa premises. Mum! I'm ready for lights out. OK, sweetie. OK, I'll be back in a tick. Whoa. Who's that? Ryan. He's hot. Hmm, not bad. Although looks aren't everything. Logan would like you two to go and say goodnight. Honestly! Is he still gonna to be a baby when he's 12? (CHUCKLES) FOOTSTEPS RETREAT > Oh my God. What's with you? SOTTO VOCE: Julia online dating. SOTTO VOCE: Really? Mm-hm. SOTTO VOCE: Hey, hey, hey. Shush. It's a good thing, a really good thing. POP MUSIC PLAYS Ta. > Oh. You off to see Jen? What? Um... You two are hot, by the way. Thanks. Uh, this isn't a... You're not leading up to a... Proposition? No. But never say never. So um, no chance that Pip will just forgive and forget? She went down to Christchurch to see her rellies. Well you should follow her to Christchurch. Women love that romantic-gesture sort of stuff. Oh, I did follow her to Christchurch. And? She told me to piss off. Oh. And it's all your fault, Dave. It's all your fault. Isn't it a bit big for a baby's cot? It's for your bed, Azza. Why? Because you can't sleep under a manky, forensically questionable duvet forever. But Betty doesn't care about that stuff. Maybe she's just being polite. Nah. Did she like the nursery? Kind of. But she said, 'You're still you.' That's it? That's all she said? Arse-lord. 'You're still you, arse-lord.' What is wrong with her? Azza! Ha! Holy shit. You look like my Uncle Rodney before the stomach-staple op. Hey, Betty. We were just talking about you. Cool. About how Azza's been making a` Sorry, Alex, I don't have a lot of time to chat. I told Michael that I was going to the dairy for a Popsicle. Did you get me one? No, douche-purse. It was an excuse, and I had to argue to stop him going for me, so let's do this. Thanks for the curry, Xandra. No problem. Go on, douche-purse. Oh. Oh Jesus. Go! Go! Go! I'm going! Yeah! Oh. Oh. Oh! Yeah, like that. BOTH GRUNT What are you doing! Hey. How come you're still up? Come see. Cool. Is that Logan's homework? No. It's a mood board. I'm taking it with me tomorrow when Eugene and I go looking at new spa premises. Wow, you're so psyched. (CHUCKLES) I am. (CHUCKLES) Look what I found in Mum's cupboard. I said Stewie could stay in Marion's granny flat tonight. Not that I need your permission ` it's still Mum's place. Yes, but you have a hotel room. That's what I said. Yeah, mini bar and hotel-room porn ` it's just not the same when Pip's not with me. He was in the bar tonight. Drinking to forget that my life ` that was going well ` is now shit. Not for me ` I'm having an early night. Ah. That's all the more creme de menthe for us, eh, Davo? But, Cara, do you have any relationship advice for Stewie? Um,... no. Goodnight. Hey, where's your iPod dock? It's time for some decent tunes. SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS BOTH SMOOCH I had to wait for Julia to go to bed, then I snuck out. So much for being honest. I have a better plan. She's online dating. She is totally into it, checking out all these hot guys and talking about how many options there were. Huh. Which means she's moving on. So instead of having a painful conversation, we just have to wait. Wait? Yeah. So she'll meet a great guy and fall in love, and then I'll say, 'Oh, by the way, I'm seeing Phil.' And she'll say, 'Oh, that's OK ` I'm seeing Ryan.' She'll be happy, and we'll be happy, and everyone will be happy. You think it's a dumb idea. I just wish being happy wasn't so complicated. Why couldn't you have been a stranger? Without any baggage and no one living with anyone else's ex-wife. Maybe we should try it. Hmm? Tomorrow. I've got work in the morning. After, you should go out for lunch somewhere nice and maybe meet a mysterious stranger. While you're having a cheeky cocktail in a place where anything could happen? Zip me up. What're you doing? Leaving. But... I'm saving myself. Because tomorrow, I'm going on the prowl. SINGS TO STEREO: # When she was in love, # she was in love. # Now it seems so long ago. STEREO CLICKS # When she was in love. THE EXPONENTS # She was in love. There you go. Mmm. # Now it seems so long ago. # Mmm. ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES (SIGHS) That` That's her as a cowgirl. There's, uh... There's us in happier times. It's a good shot, that one. I'm gonna call her. It's 3am. Don't drink and dial. Stewie. Argh. Don't. Don't. Argh. PHONE LINE RINGS PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS How'd it come to this, eh, Davo? I was just thinking the same thing. I need things back the way they were, man. So do I. (GRUNTS) BOTH GRUNT (SIGHS) WHIMSICAL MUSIC Morning. (GROANS) Did you have a good night? I got pissed with your ex-husband. But I've got a plan. And it's a solid plan. Great. I'm gonna get him and Pippa back together. (LAUGHS) What? I'm serious. Just like Xandra's doing for Azza and Betty. Hey, that's a great plan. Really (!) It's a solid plan! (LAUGHS) DOOR SHUTS Hello? SOTTO VOCE: Hi. SOTTO VOCE: So, I came to say goodbye. It worked ` OGBB. SOTTO VOCE: Huh? SOTTO VOCE: Operation Get Betty Back. She came back. And then she left again. Oh. She threw a leg over and then got up and went home. She doesn't want me. She doesn't want you, because you're too easy. Eh? OK. Say, a person puts out all the time to anyone who shows an interest or offers a line. That person is never gonna get a serious boyfriend, all ` they're gonna get is a UTI and a reputation. I mean, that person is never gonna get Betty back. What're you saying? I'm saying stop sleeping with the bitch. Mum, I finally had the cat in my room, and Jasmine came and got him. He hates you anyway. He does not! Ow! You made me stab myself. (GRUNTS) (GROANS) Morning, Dad! CAT MIAOWS Weasley! Here, puss, puss! Mine! If anyone needs me, I'll be tending to my wound. CHILDREN YELL Jesus H, those kids are the noisiest bunch of... Should've stayed in my hotel room. Yes. Gizza coffee, Caz? There's more in the plunger. Jesus. I will fix this. I promise. Good luck. CAR HORN HONKS Ooh, that's Eugene. Mwah. Have a great day. So he's still sniffing around, then. So? He's old. He's, like,... 40. So is she. BIRDS CHIRP Yeah, I bet she's much happier on the back of your shitty scooter, mate (!) (CHUCKLES) So. You and Pip, back together and flying off into the sunset forever ` let's make it happen. Yeah, all right. Now, we know what the problem is. Pip broke up with you because she found out that you're a shit dad. I'm not a shit dad. Kind of are. I'm their real dad. Logan's favourite colour. Eh? What is it? Who knows that kind of stuff? Mm, fair enough. Logan's birthday? Oh let's not get fixated on details here, mate. OK. What did you give Logan for his birthday last year? A Super Muso Man Hideout, which your mother bought and wrapped and pretended you sent it from the Gold Coast, just like she did for every Christmas and birthday for the past eight years. Hey, first you shaft my relationship, and now you're being hurtful. The thing is, it's not all about presents ` it's about spending time with the kids, enjoying their company. Yeah, I know. So you spend a day doing that, I'll get it all on my phone, and then we have a viewing for Pip. Sounds a bit desperate. It's all I got. We better give it a whirl, then. 1 Thanks very much. OK. Give me a call. I will do. Thank you. SOTTO VOCE: It's perfect. Don't fall in love just yet. OK. There's still another couple to check out. Yeah, but this one ticks all my boxes. For the list that I made of my perfect spa. (CHUCKLES) All right. Well, let's check out the other two, and we can argue it out over lunch somewhere nice. You're on. I do feel quite bad, though ` I mean, we've got the fun job while Jen's stuck with home visits. There'll be plenty more business lunches. We'll put it in the plan. Have I told you lately how much I'm loving this partnership? (CHUCKLES) So, what do we all wanna do? Go to the beach! Hate the beach. You live on the Gold Coast. I have a pool. Rainbow's End? Had my first pash with Caz at Rainbow's End. On the log flume. Ew. TMI. Oh God. And Rainbow's End is ruined forever. We could have quality time, one on one? You're such a geek, Logan. Why are we doing this? Because my darling Pip thinks I'm a crap` Because he's your dad and he wants to spend time with you. Yay! OK. Who wants to go first? THE PHOENIX FOUNDATION'S 'BOB LENNON JOHN DYLAN' (CLEARS THROAT) Here we are, shopping with the daughter. POP MUSIC CONTINUES Where's the rest of it? You look like 50c whore. OMG! (GASPS) # I feel the love... # We can edit that out, right? Positions. Don't look so frightened, peasant ` this is just practice for me, before the` Ow! I win. Argh! Shit! You little savage! No, no! It's role playing. It's a game, just a game. POP MUSIC CONTINUES Ooh! Genuine fast bowler, me. You know, they used to call me the Gray-hound. G-R-A-Y, as in Stewie Gray, and hound, cos I was as fast as a` Yeah, we get it. Inflicted a few injuries in my time. I wanna go home, Dave! Get down, you puss! One more chance. Please. How much? I'm not paying you to spend time with your dad. It's Saturday ` I'm busy. 10 bucks. Each. Done. We go to the beach, we spend some quality time, and he gets to show his girlfriend that he's a good dad and they bugger off back to the Gold Coast together. I like the beach. Come on. Let's go. There we go. All right? And I like the idea of Dad leaving again. And I could take some beach selfies? Sweet. But not in your togs. That's the point. No. Oh, what? So, what's the plan? Going to the beach. We can take this! What the hell is that? You sent it to me for Christmas. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. OK, guys, go and get ready. Go on. I hate the beach. Yes, I know that you hate the beach. But you are making a sacrifice for your kids. That's true. Pippa will lap that shit up. INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS Excuse me, madam? Mais oui? The gentleman at the bar asked me to give you this. FRENCH ACCENT: Uh, you can tell the gentleman he is welcome to join me. Certainly. JAZZ MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING Hi there. I'm Phil. FRENCH ACCENT: Enchante, Phil. MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING FRENCH ACCENT: I have been, uh, travelling around this beautiful country. From Transylvania? SOTTO VOCE: No, it's French, it's French. Oh, OK. I see. Right. FRENCH ACCENT: I have never been with ze Kiwi man before. I have never been with a vampire. FRENCH ACCENT: I fly home tomorrow. I have been away so long, I feel so lonely. Well, that's no good. FRENCH ACCENT: I want someone to 'old me. But we've only just met. FRENCH ACCENT: No cares, no worries, no inhibitions. ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS Oh, shit and crap-stains. Bloody hell. What's Cara doing here? They're supposed to be viewing commercial property, not having lunch. Jen. Jen, get out from down there. No way. ACCORDION MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING (SIGHS) We've been wanting to come out. This is our opportunity. Not like this. I wanna be honest. SOTTO VOCE: I want to tell Jules cos it's the right thing to do, not because we were caught having lunch. SOTTO VOCE: OK. Fair enough. (CLEARS THROAT) ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS < Your entrees? (SIGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING Thank you. INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS SOTTO VOCE: They're here. Do we have a plan? I'll call you. What? CLATTERING Welcome. This way, please. Pippa. Just calling to say hello as I head off to the beach with my three cherubs. So don't call me back, cos I'll be busy having fun with the tykes. We're picking up Rose on the way. No, we're not. She wants to come. It's family only. You're not family. He is so! He's our stepdad. 'Step' doesn't mean real, Dumbo. You prefer the biological version? # She can get what she wanted. # She can get what she desires. # There's no room in the car for Rose anyway. Get rid of the dinosaur. No! The dinosaur stays. If Rose can't come, then I'm not coming either. Jasmine. I'm not! Jasmine. I'm not. Hey, I'll handle this. Excellent. SOTTO VOCE: So, what do I do? SOTTO VOCE: Call her bluff. Fine by us, Jazzy. You stay at home, then. I will. Keep your money ` I've got way better things to do. Are you paying them? That's good thinking, man. Uh, the duck and Syrah, please. Bon. Ooh. I think that's my brother-in-law. Oh, ex-brother-in-law. SOTTO VOCE: Excuse me. sorry. Phil? Oh, hi! Hello, Cara. Hi. I'm here having a business lunch. Uh, me too. Yep. Dull old business lunch. But Graham had to take a call so... Um, I think it's some kind of family emergency or something. Well, I better let you get back to it` I should probably... Yeah. You, um, enjoy your lunch. ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS Well, that was awkward. I think I just caught him on a date. It's a lovely place for a date. It is. (CHUCKLES) And for a work lunch. Mm. Mm. VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS SOTTO VOCE: Phil! God, I am such a horrible person. I just sat there, lying, badly. I just hid in the toilets for 20 minutes rather than` You were in the toilets that whole time? The men's. I didn't look at the door when I ran inside. It's not easy being a stranger in this town, is it? Can't get away with anything. But you know what? Stranger or not, men's toilets or not,... (FRENCH ACCENT) I would have fallen for you. Same. (FRENCH ACCENT) My beautiful nut. (CHUCKLES) CLATTERING He didn't need to be so weird about it. I mean, I don't care if he's dating. Of course he's gonna move on. Maybe he thinks it's too early. It took me eight years after Stewie left. Whoa. I know. But I'm a freak. (CHUCKLES) You? Uh... Ooh. sorry. Personal question. No, no, it's OK. In the interest of full disclosure, there was an overlap. I met Naomi while I was still married to my first wife. Oh. Yup, I was that guy. But the way I see it, Nomes and I have been married for 10 years; we have a child together ` it's not like it was some pointless affair. I love that you're so straight-up about it. Well if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a bullshitter. Yeah, neither can I. GUITAR MUSIC SEAGULLS SQUAWK Solid work, little man. Are you gonna actually play with your kids? Very important business, this. Eugene Russell, Rosabee Skin and Body ` just scoping out the competition for ya. Eugene is not competition. Find anything? < There's a news story here from a couple of years ago about a liquor-store robbery. Eugene robbed a liquor store? He tackled the thief, restrained him till the cops arrived. Look ` there's a picture of him getting some kind of community medal. Oh well. Ooh. Article here from Entrepreneur Magazine. His company won some kind of prize for being clean, green and saving dolphins. He saves dolphins? Great (!) Dolphins are overrated. Smiley, fishy bastards. Hate 'em. Is there anything this guy doesn't do? Let me make a few calls. He's bound have some dirty secret somewhere. I mean, not that I care. Whatever you wanna do. I don't mind either way. You know what you have to do, Azza. No more boning. Tell that girl that your body is not a playground; it's a no-go zone with a fully padlocked gate and a sign that says, 'No trespassers'. Cos I deserve respect. Exactly. Right. PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS Hey, Betty. It's Azza. Yeah? I'm ringing about the sex thing. I'm not in the mood today. No, I'm not in the mood today. Sweet. Betty, wait. I'm not gonna to be in the mood for ages. Cos my body... is not a merry-go-round with a sign on it saying, 'Free rides'. Nice. OK. What do you mean, 'OK'? Well, it's a bit of an inconvenience getting to your place anyway. No, it's not. What are you talking about? Come round tomorrow. Azza, no. Or I could come to you? Or... Or we could meet somewhere. Whatever suits. I can't. I have antenatal class. Antenatal class? Shouldn't you be going to that? Should I be going to that? Mike's got it covered. Is somebody else there? Just Xandra. Why's Mike going to antenatal class? I need a birthing partner who's reliable and turns up on time. What, you think I'd miss the birth of my own kid? It wouldn't surprise me. This is bullshit, Betty. I helped make Hadlee. He's not Hadlee, and he needs a good dad, not you. You're not invited to antenatal class? It's not about boning. She still thinks I'm gonna be a crap dad. (SIGHS) DOOR OPENS Hey. OMG, my dad situation is suck. Dave's bad enough as it is, but my real father is being so annoying. Mm-hm. Cos dads suck. Totes. The only reason they went to the beach today is cos he's trying to` You said you weren't going any more. Oh. I meant just me. The rest of them still went. Even Dave? Yeah. House to ourselves, yeah! What? Nothing. Oh my God. Is this cos Dave isn't here? No. (SCOFFS) Wow. You only came here to perv at him. You're ratchet. You know who's ratchet? Your mother! A yo-mama joke ` crack-up (!) No, for real. What are your mum and my dad doing right now? Working. Like he used to work with Naomi. Who? My step-monster. He left my mum for her. So? So now he's gonna do it again, because your mum's hot for him. She is not. She's got a guy way too young for her, so she's ob-v a sluz! No! And if she breaks up my dad and Naomi, then my little sister will have divorced parents just like I did, and I will never forgive you. He's really down, and I need to help him see that he'd be a great dad. Would he? Azza is amazing. He's... amazza. No, no. Oh, hell no. Before you say anything` No, no! Bloody no! This is a health and safety issue. Whitney's at a music festival, and her parents have a dinner thing. There's no one else. You need a babysitter! Hello? Yeah. Uh, well, Whitney said I'm not allowed to leave my kid with just anybody. I wasn't suggesting just me. BABY GRIZZLES Hello? Anybody home? You got me a pram. > No, I got you a baby. Liam needed someone to babysit, so I volunteered you. Sweet. Do I get paid? Azza, this is in return for the baby gear he gave us, and so that you can learn to be a dad. Oh. Right. We'll change nappies, and we'll feed him, and we'll rock him to sleep. It'll be amazing... practice. It'll be amazing practice. Cool. (GIGGLES) DRAMATIC MUSIC Oh. Thank you. Oh, one thing ` did we make a decision about the premises? I think we talked about everything but. (CHUCKLES) Let's run with the villa, the one you like. Really? It feels right. It does, doesn't it? You run it by our other partner, and I'll get the forms sorted with the agent. Yes! BOTH LAUGH DRAMATIC MUSIC (CHUCKLES) Hey, Dave. You're gonna love this one, mate. So, Shona, she knows everyone, and everything, mate. Hit me. OK. Eugene's wife was his lawyer before she was his wife. So? She was engaged, he was married, they had a full-blown affair, so Mr Nice-Guy Medal-Wearer I'm-A-Dolphin-Saver traded wifey in for a younger model. He's a homewrecker. It's brilliant! He's a homewrecker. Oh, yes. Not so brilliant for you. Dave, can I take the dinosaur in the water? Hold on, Logan. Well, we went looking for dirt, and we found it. I might just give Cara a call, see how her day's going. Why didn't you want to go to the beach, hon? Why are you so dressed up? I'm not. I've been working. With Rose's dad. Funny, huh? Oh, I suppose I owe you one, Jas. You introduced us. It's not my fault! What? Uh, uh, Jaz! What's wrong? PHONE RINGS Just...? Hi. Can I call you back? OK. Now can I take my dinosaur in the water? Mm. OK. What's the problem? I had a fight with Rose. Oh no. What about? Well, friends fight. I'm sure you'll make up. OK? Will we? Well, I hope so. Cos I'm gonna see quite a bit of her dad. Oh my God! Jas? 1 Just wanted to show Jen the new premises. Well, she's not here yet. Oh. I thought work would be done by now. Very nice. So, have you seen Phil lately? No. Why? No reason. What's he done? Nothing. I don't know. I just wanted to ask out of interest. (SIGHS) Don't. Don't what? Stare. You're making me nervous. You're hiding something. I can always tell. Cara. I saw him today. At lunch. And? I have a feeling he might... have been with someone. You have a feeling? Well, there was a Martini glass on the table with lippy on it. And he was acting weird, and he didn't wanna talk. And then he left without finishing his lunch so, you know. Maybe I'm being a bit too suspicious. Well, it was bound to happen. It's not like I've been a nun since we split. Hi. Hi. What's up? Apparently, Phillip is seeing someone. We think. > Not that I care. Honestly, look at you. You both look terrified. I'm not gonna fall apart. Look, show Jen the new premises. It looks great. In fact, why don't we go out for a drink to celebrate? Sure. Drink. I'll just grab a jacket. < FOOTSTEPS RETREAT SOTTO VOCE: Oh God. I saw him today, and I definitely interrupted something. So you just decided to tell Julia? No, no, she got it out of me. She's very good at doing that. I guess it's better to know, though, right? Right. Yeah. They're not here. Oh, I got some message from Stewie about the beach and` Hey, are you` are you OK? I've had a crap day. Oh. Do you wanna talk about it? My best friend thinks my mum is trying to get with her dad, and she says she'll never forgive me. Darling, I'm sure your mum isn't trying to do anything like that. Plus, Dad called me a whore this morning. He what? And now he's gone to the beach with the others only so he can impress you. He's using us. I see. Oh, honey, come here. Did they say what beach they were going to? Narrow Neck. How come? Because I'd like to kick Stewie's arse, that's why. And boo! BOTH CHUCKLE And boo! BABY GIGGLES And boo! Babies are pretty dumb, eh? You are so cute with him. You are gonna be a great dad, even if Betty is too blind to see it. Maybe we should invite her over. Why? So she can see me being cute with him. No, not right now. We've got din-dins. You be the seat, and I'll be the spoon. Sweet. You ready for some mushy stuff? What's that? Yum, yum, yum. You're funny. Go on. Ew, yuck. Hey, don't let it get you down, mate. I'm not; I'm sweet, not worried. Don't care if Eugene's a sleaze. Me and Cara ` unbreakable. Yeah that's what I thought about me and Pip. Until I lost her. Yeah, well, I'm not planning on losing anyone. Dave, where's Logan? TENSE MUSIC Is that him out there? Where? Oh, shit-bags! POP MUSIC I'm coming, Logan! MUSIC CONTINUES Scarlett? Hi! Hey. Is that Stewie? What's he doing? He's rescuing my brother. Is that Logan out there? He blew away. Go, Dave, go! OMG. Stewie can't swim. POP MUSIC CONTINUES Shit. Stewie. Stewie! SOTTO VOCE: That's it. Off you go. I got him to sleep. Cool, eh? You are such a natural. And look what I found ` online antenatal classes. Yeah? Yeah. Who needs the real thing? Come baby birth time, you are gonna be a star. You're a star. Will Betty do it on all fours or on her back? Both of those, most of the time. Oh, you mean when she's actually having the baby. Let's just do it this way. You be on the floor, and I'll be in front of you. OK. (CLEARS THROAT) Pretty easy so far. (CHUCKLES) Mm. (PANTS) I'm cold. I'm going as fast as I can. Why'd you have to head straight out to sea? Because I wanted to get a closer look at the shark. The... Excuse me? This is cool fun! (GRUNTS) Oh, you saved me, Pippa. Why did you throw yourself in the water when you can't even swim? I saw Logan out there, and instinct kicked in. You know, my boy was in trouble, and I just had no thought for my own safety. Total disregard, you know? You're milking it, Stewie. Yeah. Right. I love you. Even though you are full of shit. Oh, Pippa. Mmm. (GASPS) (GROANS) Loser. Moron. Dad! Dad! Dave saved me! Not now, mate. Oh, Stewie. Thank God you're all right, mate! You all right? Nice one, D-Bag. Yeah, you did OK. Thanks. And Mum is a total idiot if she believes she could... If she what? Oh nothing. Pip said it's probably nothing. But you should tell me anyway. Auckland's just so small, isn't it? (CHUCKLES) It better not be that red-headed bint from his office. Who? Well, Jen's right ` Auckland is small. I'm bound to know her. Freya. That's her name. She always had her eye on him. Julia, it doesn't really matter, does it? It doesn't matter. You're online dating. I'm what? Ryan, and the other hot guys you were looking at last night. They're clients! What? I have a management position to fill. I was working last night, making a shortlist. Oh yeah. I didn't think online was your thing anyway. It's not. And I've sworn off men. Right. Um, my family's just come back from the beach. I gotta go. Oh, what? Bye. See ya. What, but we're celebrating. I know. I'll see you later. Bye. LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS Are you OK? When Phil and I first split, I thought, 'OK. I've never been single. It'll be fun. Right?' Freedom, independence, no one to check in with. All really great things. I really miss having someone to check in with. I just miss being the most important person in someone else's life. Oh God. What a downer! No, I get it. Look, let's call it a night. You're keen to get to your new man. No, you're more important. I'm not good company. Look, I'm just gonna go get some Thai take-out, go home and bawl my eyes out in front of Four Weddings And A Funeral. Tell anyone, and the funeral will be yours. LOUNGE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING 1 Ooh, that's great, Logan. Hi. Hi, Mum. Hi. BOTH: Hi. Do you know what those two blokes of ours were up to today? Yours was playing matchmaker, and mine was trying to win my heart back. I'm guessing it worked. It did. Engagement resumed. Oh, that's great. I got blown out to sea! And Dave totes saved him. And Dad can't swim. > Wow. Uh, what? It's not as bad as it sounds. Not quite. It sounds like I need to talk to Dave. Oh, he and Stewie have gone to get some meat to throw on the barbie. OK. Hey, guys, you wanna put that on the table? Thanks. Um, he's a great guy you've got there. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Really cares about your kids. And... And they really care about him too. Well, they do now. You know, you just don't wanna let that sort of thing slip through your hands. No, I don't. Yeah. That's what I said. CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC I thought we were going for sausages. First things first, Davo. What is this, a mate's place? Stewie. Stewart! Fair's fair. You helped me with Pip ` I'm helping you with Caz. Wait. Where are we? Eugene needs to be told ` back off. Hold on, no! No, no, no. Stewie. He's a known philanderer, mate. He's giving Cara piles of money ` for what? Even dizzy little Jasmine's picked up on it. Yes, but I don't think` You need to tell him to keep his hands to himself. He's a smarmy bastard, sleazy prick. Slimy motherf` Hello, darling. Is your daddy home? Daddy! Do you know what? We can... We can come back later. Hi. Hello, guys. What can I do for you? Hey, why don't you go play with your toys so we can have a chat with your Daddy? See ya. BIRDS CHIRP What's all this about? It's.... Dave wants you to stay the hell away from his woman. But she's my business partner. We all know what you really want from Cara, and it's not her eyebrow-waxing skills, eh? It's no biggie. It's a friendly wassup, line in the sand in the interests of communication. You know. Not really. OK, well, I'm just... you know, I'm not that into you asking my girlfriend for free massages, that kind of stuff. He asked her for a free massage? She offered, actually. Jesus. Yeah, because she's kind and generous and she does it for a living. Is everything OK? It's fine. These guys were just leaving. OK. Cheers. BIRDS CHIRP I have got a bad feeling. No, he got the message. And I can go back to the Goldie tomorrow, knowing my work here is done. BIRDS CHIRP Julia still has feelings for you. She doesn't. I thought she hated you. But Jen it's... it's OK. No. I committed the biggest friend crime ` I went for the ex. To be fair, I was the one who pursued you. I could have said no. You did. I was persistent. Phil,... I've changed my mind. OK. You wanna tell her the truth. No. I mean... What? I don't wanna... I can't... I think we should break up. Jen, don't. She's become my friend, and I don't wanna hurt her, and I have tried so hard not to be this person any more, the person that always messes it up, so I... I'm sorry. BIRDS CHIRP Did I leave my credit card here? Oh. I couldn't pay for my Thai take-out. So embarrassing. Oh, you wanna get something here? And eat by myself? I don't think so. What happened to Jen? Oh I sent her off to her booty call. Good of you. She's trying to be sensitive about it. She thinks it upsets me. And it doesn't? Of course not. Oh, see, that's what I love about your generation of women ` you get how the world works. It's not about finders, keepers. Right. Your ex-husband must be stoked. How so? Because you're so relaxed about it. What does Phillip have to...? Well,... nothing. Oh. I see. ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS (PANTS) Small puffs of breath out. (PANTS) Breathe, breathe,... breathe. The contractions have stopped. What do you mean? Sometimes the labour can stop, and you have to get it started again. How? You could play with my nipples. (CLEARS THROAT) You know we're supposed to be birthing the baby, not making it, right? I read it in a pregnancy book. It helps stimulate labour. Oh, it's working. Oh, here comes another contraction. Oh! OK. Breathe. Yes! Breathe. Yes! Breathe. Yes! I don't know what's happening. (PANTS) Whoa. What's wrong? You like me, right? Yeah, but... I love Betty. But she's not here, and I don't think she loves you. Maybe not. But it doesn't matter, eh, because she's everything to me. She's the reason I get out of bed every afternoon. POIGNANT MUSIC What are you doing here? Letting Azza know about antenatal class. I thought he wasn't invited. Well, I decided that Mike and Az can both be my birthing partners. That's just greedy. None of your business. You don't deserve that man. Move it, Alex. I'm Xandra ` I'm not Alex any more. And I've been helping Azza become the perfect father. And you're an ungrateful heifer who doesn't deserve him! I would slap you, but I don't slap pregnant women. Neither. But you're not pregnant. Argh! BOTH GROWL (GASPS) Oh my God! I squeezed her too hard. Your waters! It's your waters, Betty! You're in labour! Ohhh. You haven't congratulated me. Back together and flying to the Gold Coast tomorrow, all thanks to me. You actually did it. And you laughed. You had no faith. You're right. I'm sorry. Hey, you should have seen the villa that we found today. It's beautiful. And Eugene took me for lunch in Ponsonby, and` He took you for lunch? Yeah, he said we're gonna do a lot of work lunches. You know, I feel like a proper, grown-up business person. Cara, there's, um, something you need to know about Eugene. He's not really the good guy he seems to be. I'm sorry? Well his first marriage, he bailed on his wife. He had an affair with his lawyer, which, you know, means he's` OK, Dave, stop. How do you know this? Oh it doesn't matter. What matters is now you know too. I already did. Eugene told me. But how do you know? Well, Stewie googled him and rang some people to find out stuff. Stewie? What? Why? Because we don't trust him. And Jasmine picked up on it too. She thought you were having an affair. Oh my God, she what? Well, I hope you told her that's utterly ridiculous, that he's happily married and that... and that I've got you. 'Course I did. And that men and women can actually be just friends. Oh my God, I thought she'd know this by her age. I know. Right? But she's young. Well, I should go and talk to her. No, no. She's OK. Pip had a word with her too. Pip? Oh, this is so embarrassing. Who else thinks I'm getting it on with my business partner? No one. Because that would be a stupid thing to think. Ow! Ow, my back is hurting! A contraction! I'll drive, you get in here. Rub her back. We're having a baby! CAR ENGINE STARTS Don't worry about me, arseholes. POIGNANT MUSIC (GRIZZLES) Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.