(HOPEFUL MUSIC) Hullo! Welcome to The Funny Girls Suffragette Special. My name is Pauline. I am the producer of this show, and with me is (HESITANTLY) 'Jacinda Ardern', Prime Minister of the country and my very close, personal friend. This year marks 125 years since women attained the right to vote in New Zealand. It would've maybe made more sense to celebrate the 100th anniversary, but as we know, it was illegal back then to have more than three women on television at once ` the '90s! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) It's easy to take for... I wrote that. Well, I wrote, "The '90s!" (CHUCKLES DRILY) I didn't write the` (MUMBLES) That's... Yeah. Back to the... It's easy to take for granted the right to vote. Yeah. I, for one, absolutely adore voting. I'd vote for anyone! (LAUGHS) I'd vote for you, given half the chance. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) That's also great; I appreciate that. Thank you. Uh, but our great-great-grandmothers fought long and hard for that right. Mm. In fact, in the late 1800s, Kate Sheppard and other suffragettes really pushed for that opportunity. Kate even had to dress as a man in order to be taken seriously. Once, she dressed up as her brother Sebastian and joined the local boys' soccer club. But things got tricky, because her best friend fell in love with her, and then she started to develop fee` f... What? Pauline, that's a film. It's... (SCOFFS SOFTLY) That's a film. OK, well, maybe that is wrong, but here is a truth ` Kate Sheppard punched Prime Minister Richard Seddon in the throat. Also not true, so... Well, (SOFTLY) think you'll find it is. No. (EXHALES) (CHUCKLES DRILY) I think you'll find that it is. (CHUCKLES DRILY) It's not true. It's important, though, that we remember and honour the hard work of those suffragettes, who also fought for equal opportunities for women. Absolutely, Jacinda, and that is why I have hired an all-female crew... Yes. for today's film shoot. Yes, I can` I can see that. That's wonderful. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) WHISPERS: Don't have to pay them as much. You actually do. You definitely do. QUICKLY: Well, you do and you don't. No, you definitely do. You do and you don't. You definitely do. Well, Jacinda, thanks to Kate Sheppard, we're all allowed to 'vote' on this 'matter'. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Pauline, you` you definitely do need to pay them` OK, let's start the show. (LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY) (HOPEFUL MUSIC ENDS) (GRUNTS SOFTLY) GIRLS: # Funny Girls. (QUIRKY ELECTRONIC THEME MUSIC) # Funny` (SHOUTING) Copyright Able 2018 It's so exciting to have you all here to find out your place in the New Zealand currency. Kia ora. Well, I s'pose you're all looking forward to hearing who's on which note. So let's get started. Sir Edmund Hillary, for your services to mountaineering, your face will appear on the $5 note. SOFTLY: Oh. SOFTLY: That makes sense. (CHUCKLES) Thank you. It is a true honour. And the $10 note ` for her services and leadership,... Kate Sheppard. Ah, lovely. Scuse me? Sorry? Well, (SIGHS) don't we think maybe I should be, like, a bit higher up? Right. Well, places have all been assigned. Which one were you thinking? Maybe the... $100. (CLEARS THROAT) We were thinking Lord Rutherford for the 100. That's more like it. (MURMURING) Lord Rutherford? I gave women the vote; what has he done? Well, I am the father of nuclear physics. I split the atom, resulting in access to nuclear energy. Oh, thanks for making the atomic bomb; I'm sure nothing will go wrong with that (!) Kate, please. The $10 note is a great position. It's a note that'll be in regular use. SOFTLY: Nobody'll be using the $100 note, in all reality. Hey! I know, but the higher the currency, the cooler you are. What? SOFTLY: That's true. What about the 50? The $50 note will feature Sir Apirana Ngata. Oh. QUEEN ELIZABETH: Aw. Oh, come on! What'd he do, then? If I may... I have fought for the retention of Maori culture and language. I was the first tangata whenua to receive a university degree and the very first Maori acting prime minister. And I congratulate you. Kia ora. And you have my full support. Ka pai. But please-uh! What about the 20? The $20 note will be reserved for the Queen. Oh, thank... Oh, come on! We still tryin' to placate her? Don't put her on a note; put her on a tea towel, for goodness' sake. Scuse me, watch your mouth; I'm the Queen. Do you wanna go? Oh, you want to fight, do you? Oh, yeah. Oh, wait a second. I'll get my glove off. Yeah, go on. I'll take you. I may look small, but I'm very wiry and flexible. I'm coming over there. Watch yourse` Oh, yeah, come on over here. Yeah, come on over here. Oh, you're gonna take your wig off, are you? I'll fuckin' take you! I'll slap you upside the head, I'll tell you what. Have some respect, bitch! SIR EDMUND HILLARY: Ooh. Ladies, ladies, please. Restrain yourselves. It is an honour to be on any note, and it reserved only for those who've contributed most to our society, who've served over and above all else. Just the fact that you are on the note shows just how much you mean to us. What if I was on the back of just, like, all the notes. Goodness. Come on! No. No. We're keeping that for the birds. Aw! Look at that. Sweet birds! Cool. Lovely birds. Is that a duck? (APPLAUSE, CHEERING, WHISTLING) WOMAN: Thank you. Thank you. What a great studio audience. Thanks for coming out and watching live comedy. You could be at home watching reruns of The Bachelor. (CHUCKLING) (LAUGHTER) Come on, you love that shit. I love it. I think, you know, most importantly, it's a great message for young women, isn't it? You know, like, it's important. (LAUGHTER) We must learn as we're growing up to fight each other for the love of one man... (LAUGHTER) ...with huge fuckin' ears. Like, I think it's... (LAUGHTER, CLAPPING) I think it's great, you know, and it's all about getting a rose at the rose ceremony, if you don't know, which ya fuckin' do. Um... (LAUGHTER) You can stay if the dude gives you a rose. You get to stay with the other women, and, you know, all the women are like, (DAINTILY) '"I just want a rose. I really... (INHALES DEEPLY) '"I hope I get a rose. I just...'" Here's a pro tip ` pop down to the florist,... (LAUGHTER) ...take about 5 bucks with ya and buy yourself a rose, ya tragic bitch. (LAUGHTER) I'm proud to be a feminist, though. I'm a really strong feminist. I was a really hard-out feminist in my 20s and 30s, and now ` how can I put it? (SIGHS) I can't really be fucked. (LAUGHTER) You know, I get tired. (LAUGHTER) You know, in my 20s, like, a man would open the door for me, right, and I'd be like, 'Don't open the door for me. I've got hands ` 'strong, capable woman hands.' (LAUGHTER, CLAPPING) Now if a young guy doesn't open the door, I'm like, 'Open the fuckin' door. (LAUGHTER, CLAPPING) 'And pull your pants up, ya fuckwit.' (LAUGHTER) Men get very angry when women talk about periods, right. I was at a gig in Wellington; I said the word 'period', and a guy went, 'Oh, here we go.' (LAUGHTER) It's like guys think we get our periods to annoy them, eh. (PEOPLE GUFFAW) Like, halfway through an argument, like, 'Oh, really? 'Well, I'm gonna go outside and get my period.' (LAUGHTER) Also, they can't handle it when you talk about wearing a tampon, which I agree, because the term 'wearing a tampon' is quite weird, isn't it? (LAUGHTER) You're not really wearing it. Like, in a way, it's wearing you,... (LAUGHTER, CLAPPING) ...like you're a giant hat off to the Melbourne Cup. (LAUGHTER, CLAPPING) Oh! Come on-uh! Come on! You've got this. Come on. (SHRIEKS) I'm so bad at this! OK, Sarah Jessica Parker? (THEY CHEER) (BELL RINGS) Aw! ALL: Time's up. Time's up. My turn. I got one. Yeah, it's OK. You got one. OK, OK, are you ready? Yes. (SIGHS) OK. (CLEARS THROAT) EXHALES: OK. (THEY EXCLAIM) Stranded on an island, goes crazy. Yup. Uh, hooks up with Helen Hunt. Uh, uh... Yeah, he's like, (GRUFFLY) 'Wilson! Wilson!' Yeah, Wilson! Uh... SOUTHERN ACCENT: Run, Forrest, run! Tom Hanks. (LAUGHTER) Yes! OK, go. Yes! OK. (THEY EXCLAIM) Um... OK, no, hey... Um... Black comedian. Eddie Murphy. No. No. No. Um... Um... Oh, has a sitcom. (STAMMERS) Had a sitcom. Uh... Uh, Bernie Mac. Nooooo. No. Uhhhhh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Um... Yeah. Yeah. BOTH: Um... Allegedly raped lots of women. Bill Cosby. (ALL CHEER) Oh my God, great, great! (LAUGHTER) (THEY EXCLAIM) Um, OK. Um, uh, a famous movie producer. BOTH: Yes. Uh, uh, Brian 'Grazier'. No. Um, uh, M-Miramax ` he made lots of movies, and they all won Oscars. Oh, uh... Yeah, a big guy, (STAMMERS) beard. Beard, big beard ` wizard beard. Belly, quite intimidating. (GROANS) (STAMMERS) Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained. Django Unchained. Uh... Django Unchained. Um... Django Unchained. (GROANS) (GROANS FRUSTATEDLY) Um, ra` raped a lotta women. Harvey Weinstein. (ALL CHEER) Good one! Good one! OK. Holy... OK. Ohhh! OK. Uh... (THEY EXCLAIM SOFTLY) SOFTLY: Wow. Ooh. Um, American Beauty. Uh, Mena 'Suvaro'. No. No. Um, House of Cards ` the bad guy. I haven't seen that! Haven't seen that! The baddie in Superman. Yes. (BABBLES) Lex Luthor. No. Well, the guy who played him. Yeah. (GROANS) Um... Um... Um... HIGH-PITCHED: Raped a lot of boys. Kevin Spacey. (ALL CHEER, LAUGHTER) OK. (GROANING) My God! Man! Chris Brown. (ALL CHEER, LAUGHTER) (BELL RINGS, GROANING) Time. ALL: Time's up. Oh well. (LAUGHTER) CHUCKLES: Time's up. (SOFT CHUCKLING) Time's up. Time's up. Yeah, actually. Yeah. Time's up. SOFTLY: Time's up. Yeah. Time's fuckin' up. Yup. Uh, obviously, sir, I've been dating your daughter for quite a while now and living with her for the last few years,... and I want you to know that... I-I love her so much, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with her,... uh, which is why I'd like to ask for your permission... for her hand in marriage. (GENTLE MUSIC) (CLICKS TONGUE) Well? It's a no. Oh shit! Well, it's been nice knowin' you, I guess. Aw, you know I wish it didn't have to be like this. It's just that... I'm his property. You're his property; I get that. (QUIRKY ELECTRONIC THEME MUSIC RIFF) (HAPPY MUSIC) My Sally can be anything she wants. FEMALE NARRATOR: The first Sally to break the glass ceiling. Aw. It that your new Sally? What does she do for a job? She can do whatever she wants, because this Sally's breaking the glass ceiling. (SMASH!) (SCREAMS) Oh my God, no! Dad! Dad! My hand! Oh my God! Help me! Help! Call the ambulance! Call the ambulance! Help! Help! (STEADY TONE) Remember, attempting to break the glass ceiling will only end in tears. Not suitable for children. (QUIRKY ELECTRONIC THEME MUSIC) Funny. Whoo! (WHIMSICAL ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Hey, Alana. Hi, Karen. Oh my God. Alana, are you OK? What? Yeah, I'm good, thanks. No, no, you look terribly unwell. Oh. (LAUGHS) I'm just not wearing any makeup today. No, it's not that. I'm calling someone. No, honestly, I just ran out of time this morning, so I was, like, 'Ah, stuff it.' Yeah, she's pale. She's lost all the colour from her face. Yeah, white as a ghost. She's still talking. OK. If you could send someone as quickly as you can. Look, don't worry. Everything is gonna be fine. Whatever this is, we will beat it. Hey. Is everything OK here? No. Alana is very unwell. No, I'm fine. Thanks. Holy shit. Call an ambulance. What? Is it really that bad? I thought it was all right. Make some space, please. Make some space. Which one of you's Alana? That's me, but I'm fine. (GAGS) I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! What's wrong with your face? It's OK. I was trained for this, all right? I'm not sick. Please, God, just save her. We will. We're doing our best. Patient is female, late 60s. 38. Disease is manifesting itself in some sort of facial spotting. They're just freckles. Two black eyes, major discolouration, suggesting some sort of physical trauma. Yeah. (GAGS) Those are just the bags under my eyes. Listen, I'm not sick. I don't have a disease. I haven't been punched. I'm just wearing makeup, OK? You're depressed. No! What? No. She's depressed. She's depressed. I just ran out of time. Look. Here. There. Happy? Oh. Red? It's a bit slutty for the office, don't you think? Mm. Yes. Don't even own a red. No. Here you go. Just a lot of married men work here ` could be sending the wrong message. (LAUGHTER) I'm 6'1", right? You know, that's so stupidly tall. You know, like, this is a maxi dress. (LAUGHTER) It's actually really hard for me to find clothes to fit my tall body without flashing my vagina at people, right? So you're lucky. I did find a dress recently, though, that was perfect. Right? Fit perfectly, and it had pockets, right? (CHEERING) Yes, ladies are with me on this. 125 years of suffrage, we haven't got pocket equality yet. It's ridiculous, right? It's very hard to find women's clothes with pockets. And if they do have pockets, they're, like, sewn shut, cos we can't be trusted. (LAUGHTER) What are we putting in there, the feminist agenda? And we are. (LAUGHTER) When I figured this dress had pockets as well, it was amazing. I was just sort of walking along, and my hand just sort of slipped in there. I thought, 'This is incredible.' It's, like, oh, my God, is this what sex is like for dudes? I didn't expect to be in here, but this is incredible. (LAUGHTER) I'm in! I don't know why in my head, every guy having sex sounds like a hacker. (LAUGHTER) I'm in. (LAUGHTER) The chicken is in the coop. (LAUGHTER) No, it's great. You guys are a lovely crowd. I had a gig a couple of weeks ago, and this guy came up to me after the gig, and he said to me, 'Hey, can I say something sexist?' I was, like, 'Well, I didn't realise you guys were becoming self-aware.' It was amazing. I think it's a move in the right direction. I dunno. It's very hard to respond to, right? And he did that thing that you quite often get if you're a woman in comedy ` a very classic, 'Oh, I don't usually...' I don't know why they're doing this with their arms. 'I don't usually find women funny, but...' (LAUGHTER) Wah! (LAUGHTER) 'You got me!' And it's one of those things that's sort of hard to respond to, because, you know, you see he's trying to be nice, I think, right? He's sort of trying to do a compliment, right? You know, it's like he came out and was, like, 'Oh, hey, can I say something sexist? 'I don't think you should be able to vote,'... (LAUGHTER) ...just sort of eased in there with what he thought was a compliment. And I think you just get a little bit better at compliments, right? The example that I give for the worst compliment you can give someone is, 'Has anybody told you you're beautiful?' (LAUGHTER) It sort of sounds nice. Like, I think you're calling me beautiful, but you're also saying it like, 'You've definitely never heard this before.' You're not even calling me beautiful; you're just taking a survey. Has anybody told you you're beautiful? No, didn't think so. (LAUGHTER) (ROCK MUSIC) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) All right. All right. Enough chitter-chatter, officers. This isn't form class. This is Jessie West. Forensics has come back, and she is officially the lead and sole suspect in the Johnson family murders. Evidence suggests she is violent, and she poses a great danger to the public. Last reported location? CCTV has her at city train station at 6.10am this morning. First operation unit is out on patrol. Sergeant, I think I'm gonna have to recuse myself from this case. I don't really feel comfortable looking down on another woman like this. And as Taylor Swift says, there's a special place in hell for women who tear down other women. OK. Madeline Albright actually said that. Regardless, as a feminist` Officer, this isn't a feminist issue. This is a matter of law and order. This woman is the lead suspect in the murder of, among others, two children. ALL: Ooh. Still, do we really need to be tearing our fellow sisters down this way? Don't men tear us down enough already? Yeah. This woman killed her family. Yeah, but are we gonna judge her for that? Yes. Well, are we not considering how the patriarchy led her to making those life choices? Exactly. If anything, then isn't she a victim of society's expectations on women not to kill people? Maybe we should start a Give A Little page for her. Now, there's an idea. Shall we do that? That's a good idea. That's a good idea. Send an email. Officers, this woman is dangerous. Would you call her that if she was a man? Yes. We need to lock her up. Oh! Like Trump voters wanna lock up Hillary! Oh, here we go! No, like police officers want to lock up violent murderers. Alleged murderers! Mm. God, women really never get the benefit of the doubt. Sick of it. As a man, I understand that now is the time to listen and not comment, so I too will too recuse myself from the case. It's the right thing to do. That's what a feminist looks like. Officers, please. This is a matter of safety. Is stepping on one of our sisters really gonna make us feel safer, you know? We should be celebrating her. You know, the future is female. Let her go. ALL CHANT: Let her go. Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! OK, fine! Fine! Let her go! Let her go! Let her go! (CHEERING) Yes! Yes! That's our queen! Whoo! Queen! (APPLAUSE) But this is the last one. OK. Yep. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, OK. Here's a farewell card to see you on your way. Aw. You really are gonna be missed around here. Well, I won't be gone too long. I'll be back as soon as my maternity leave finishes. Well, unless you give my job to someone else during that time. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) Oh! (STRAINS, LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah. We gave someone else your job. No worries. Probably should have seen that one coming. (LAUGHS) But wait. Before you go, could you sign Justin's card? He just found out his wife's having a baby. It won't affect his work hours at all. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Of course. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) (SOBS) (CHUCKLES) Here you go, mate. Oh, thank you. What have you got there, sweetie? Huh? (TINKLY PIANO MUSIC) (CHUCKLES) This apple tastes funny. (CHUCKLES) How about we get you a proper apple, eh? (KNOCK AT DOOR) Janet McFarlane? Yes. We're with Child Protection Services. We're here to revoke custody of your daughter. Ma'am, we've seen the video. And frankly, we're disgusted. And you call yourself a mother. It was just a harmless lemon. Listen, ma'am, we're not here to argue. I haven't actually seen the video, but I did briefly skim an article online, and I'm furious. It was just a cute video. There's nothing cute about trying to murder your child with a lemon. Or whatever you did in the video. Again, I haven't seen it, but I do have a strong opinion. We have an official warrant from the Court of Public Opinion. What? I'm a good mother. Well, how do you explain this Facebook status from three months ago? I suppose the alcohol helps you live being a terrible parent? Come on! It was just a joke. Mm. I suppose you think this is a joke as well. You wrote, 'Sick kid at work today. Thank you, laptop babysitter.' Oh, come on, guys. I'm a working mother. It's tough. I mean, you know, who doesn't put their kid in front of the laptop for a few hours, right? (SCOFFS) Isn't that what all the addicts say? Mm. And then before you know it, bam. Bam. Addicted to heroin. You guys are overreacting. Oh. Or are we trying to save this child's life? Mm? I dunno about you, McGill, but I have never eaten a baby. Not even once. Are you serious? Come on. I'm a good mother. I don't deserve all this! Well, you should have thought about that before you decided to put your amusing video of your child on the internet. (GASPS) No, no, no! No, no, no, please! Wait a minute. The internet's moved on. Some woman across town has shared a photo of herself breastfeeding in a park. With her breasts out and everything. Ew! Shameless. She'll live to regret this. It's your lucky day. (PANTS) Ugh. That's disgusting. (PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKS) WHISPERS: Don't look. Funny. Whoo! (FUNKY MUSIC) # Funny! What? (BEEPING, TRILLING) Right. You see, my dear, time is like a piece of rope or string. It's linear, with a start and with a finish, but it can be unravelled and then strung back together with infinite possibilities. OK. Let's get some... And it works, Rosalyn. It works. My darling, I have invented the time machine! You simply wind this dial to any period of history you'd like to visit, and then you can go there. So... where would you like to go. Nowhere. (CURIOUS MUSIC) What?! Nowhere? What?! I just created the time machine! Don't you want to` Kegan, look at me. What do you see? What is this? Well, I... I see... I see the love of my life. Kegan, I'm a woman of colour. What part of history do you really think I would enjoy? Every year before this one regressively gets worse for me. True. But... wouldn't you like to just indulge my interest for just a tiny` Easy enough for you! Everyone loves white men! Babe, babe, babe. Look. I promise I will have your back wherever we go. Bullshit! You didn't have my back at your cousin's baby shower. Oh, well, that was completely different. I was by myself. I didn't know anyone and you just played table tennis the whole time. Can you just` I'm not going back to the past! I spent 10 years on this thing! Just a little peek-a-boo! No! A little tiny` No, I'm not going to let you dabble! Just a peek-a-boo! I'm not going peek-a-boo! Well, yes, we're going to peek-a-boo! (BOTH EXCLAIM) (HIGH-PITCHED WHIRRING) (WHOOSH! BOOM!) Oh! What? Kegan! Where were you? I was being tried for witchcraft! Well, what was I supposed to say? You floated when they threw you into that lake! I want out of here. Babe, babe, babe, babe. I will make it up to you, I promise. Hey, don't you touch that! Just come on. Just one more go! BOTH: Whoa! (BOOM!) Oh! OK, look, in all fairness, I thought you were white enough to get by. You see, you can't hate me. You've gotta... hate the system. Well, I was just a slave for 12 years, so... (!) Just give me one more chance. No, I'm taking this back to 2009 ` so I can warn myself not to bump into you at the queue at the mattress expo! Well, I'd like to see you try to work that without me! Oh, you condescending bastard. You... bitch! What?! I'm gonna take you to bubonic plague times, make you lick a rat, you piece of shit. Oh, yeah, like you could work this without me. Ah! (BOTH SCREAM) (BOOM!) (SOFT, EXOTIC MUSIC) (CURIOUS MUSIC) (BEEP! WHIRRING) (GROANS, GASPS) (WHOOSH!) (GASPS) (SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE) Shh. (POWERFUL MUSIC) (APPLAUSE) A man! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING) Surprised? (LAUGHTER) I don't know what I'm doing on this show either. (CHUCKLING) My name's literally 'Guy'. (LAUGHTER) I think I might be here because I was born on September 19. I was born on Women's Suffrage Day. I was born, and women have been 'sufferaging' ever since. (LAUGHTER) 'Women complain a lot.' That's a classic bit that we've always done. 'Women complain a lot.' At least now we know why. It was always like, 'Have you noticed how women, they're always complaining?' And women were like, 'It's cos you're terrible.' (LAUGHTER) And we were like, 'Prove it.' And now they're like, 'Here's our evidence.' And we're like, 'Oh shit, that's quite a lot.' 'Wanna settle out of court? 'Go on. 'Settle out of court. Go on. 'Do it. 'Settle out of court? Tiki, tiki, tiki!' 'Oh, you're gonna take me to court for that now too, eh?' 'Fair enough. I deserve that.' So, I'll tell you what's wrong with feminism. No! Right, no! Calm down! I realise a lot of what I've been saying has been mansplaining, and I'm sorry about that. Any woman in the audience who` uh, if you don't know what mansplaining is,... that's when a man explains something to you that you already know, in a condescending way. The problem with feminism is that it's got bad marketing. Men are afraid of it, you know? Maybe it's men who are the problem. No, definitely not. It's feminism. Definitely... Definitely feminism that's the problem. Feminism has bad marketing. Like, I remember, like, last year, before we had a female prime minister, they asked all the politicians in New Zealand if they're feminist, and they got to the Prime Minister's press conference. Bill English was the prime minister at the time. And they asked him in front of the whole country, 'Are you a feminist,' and he said, straight up, 'I don't know what that word means.' And I was just thinking, 'Google it before the press conference, you dumb arse!' It means 'equality'. How hard is that to figure it out? So abortion has bad marketing. And don't get me wrong ` I'm definitely pro-choice. I'm definitely pro a woman's right to choose. But the conservative option, the other side, pro-life. Now, that's pretty good, right? It's hard not to be pro-life. Like, if you asked me in the street, 'Guy, are you pro-choice?' 'Absolutely.' 'Are you pro-life?' 'Also yes.' I'm pro having a choice life, bro! I'm so pro-choice, I'm pro-aborting some kids who've already been born! I reckon we should have abortions on kids up until the age of 18! Who's with me? (CHEERING) No! This is how the Nazis started! (FUNKY MUSIC) (TV PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) (EERIE MUSIC) (SINISTER MUSIC) (EERIE MUSIC) (RUMBLING) Claire Foster. Why have you forsaken me? (CLICK! CRICKETS CHIRP) God? I knew you were a woman. No. I'm not God. He doesn't do home visits. I am the ghost of Kate Sheppard. Yeah, no, it's cool too, I guess. You threw away your voting form. I have come here to understand why after I devoted my life to you getting the right to vote, you'd throw it all away. I guess I just didn't really see the point. Thousands of women sacrificed their lives so that you could have a say in your own future. We must vote ` if not for us, then for future generations. Yup. Totally. Although... What is it? Well, doesn't really seem like there is much of a future, though, does it? I mean, the entire world is overheating at an unprecedented rate, thanks to the unchecked burning of fossil fuels. That's causing forest fires, storms, floods and the melting of the ice caps, which means rising of the sea levels ` the sea, in which a couple of years, will be completely barren, thanks to rampant overfishing; and not to mention we can't really rely on the crops, because for some weird reason, all the bees are dying. And thanks to the overuse of social media, everyone's too self-obsessed, too anxious, too depressed and too highly medicated to do anything about it, and even scientists say that the time to enact any real, meaningful change has long since passed. So we really are on a one-way train to fiery, burny death. And that is why I don't really see the point. Wow. Come here. (SIGHS) (EXHALES) (COUGHS) (EXHALES) Just gonna get a quick... Ahhh. (CLICK!) Sweet. Cheers. Thanks. (FUNKY MUSIC) SEDUCTIVELY: Oh yeah. Tell me more. Uh-huh. (INHALES) (PANTS) Yeah, and then what? I respect you. Uh-huh. You are employed for your incredible work ethic. Yeah. You will not be fired for a younger, sexier colleague. Yeah. People want you around because you are a valuable member for their team. Yeah. You are smart and powerful. (GASPS) Yes! Oh! (PANTS) Oh God. Charging that to the credit card again today? Fantastic. (PHONES RING) Same time again next week? Yeah, I'll call you Monday. Bye-bye! Bye` No, you hang up. (CHUCKLES) No, you hang` No, legally, you need to hang up or I will charge more. (FUNKY MUSIC) Vodafone TV allows you to switch easily from your TV to your tablet or your mobile phone, giving you freedom like never before. The future is exciting. Ready? It's always just a little bit... until you're on the receiving end. One times gold-coloured necklace and pendant. She was alive when I got there. Maybe they'll find a few less K's would've saved her. Imagine having that on your shoulders. (ALARM BEEPS) Everyone thinks they drive well. (HELICOPTER WHIRRS OVERHEAD, INDISTINCT POLICE COMMS) But I've never seen anyone crash well. (WOMAN CRIES) FEMALE OFFICER: Is there anyone we can call for you, Mrs Woolford? (SOBS) MAN: Well, this speed's fine along here. I know these roads. I know these roads pretty well too. And I'm doing everything in my power to stop you from seeing the things I've seen on them. Funny. Whoo! Funny Girls. Aw, I love watching them play. Come and have a look. Aw! They're so cute! (BOTH CHUCKLE) Look ` they're playing doctors and nurses. The side effects of female birth control can include depression, weight gain, nausea, decreased libido, headaches, breast tenderness and mood changes. Or you could get a copper IUD. Here's a pamphlet. I didn't even help him write that pamphlet. (APPLAUSE) We all had quite bad sex education at school. Can you make some noise if you had good sex education? Correct. Uh... (LAUGHTER) Mine was terrible, Right, lesson one. Our bell went, we all sat down. My health teacher, Mr Wood ` his real name ` (LAUGHTER) ...handed out these laminated photos. He was like, 'Take these, pass them round.' The photos were close-up photos of genitals covered in herpes or oozing discharge. Mr Wood said, 'Welcome to sex, everybody.' (LAUGHTER) And then he showed us some things. First thing he showed us ` condom, standard. Second thing he showed us was a diaphragm, something I've not known a human woman to use. (LAUGHTER) Do you remember that? It's that white rubber dome-shaped thing. To me, they've always looked like those plastic things we used to have, and you put them on a table and then you push the middle down, and they jump up and flip. The original fidget spinner. (LAUGHTER) Even stranger than that, I reckon, they showed us how to use a dental dam. Do you remember that? That's like a thick tissue that you're supposed to place over the vagina before performing oral sex. So I can only presume you'd be like, 'Excuse me, Madame, do you mind if I just lay the table?' (LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES) Yes, Frank, I might... (LAUGHTER) ...throw that out and then leave. Uh... (LAUGHTER) But the worst lesson in sex education, what they did to us was they segregated our class by gender. Right, girls in one room, boys in the other. And to the girls, they explained that they would be getting periods. And to the boys, they explained that we would be getting wet dreams. (LAUGHTER) As if those two things are in any way equivalent, right? (LAUGHTER) In the girls' room they were like, 'So sorry to say this, ladies, but every few weeks 'for three to six days you are gonna bleed. You might experience some cramps, some nausea. 'To sort it out, you will need to purchase these items, which we do put a luxury tax on, 'for they are a luxury.' (LAUGHTER) 'And also, girls, if you do want to talk about this around men, I wouldn't, 'cos they tend to get kinda grossed out and weirded out by it, 'probably cos we segregate you when we teach you about it.' Uh... (LAUGHTER) And they came into our class, they were like, 'And, boys,... 'lads, lads, lads. Uh...' (LAUGHTER) 'Look, I'm so sorry to say this, lads, but every so often you will have a pretty decent dream. 'And then in the morning you will have to put your jimjams in the wash, so...' Like, 'Sorry, sir, just a quick question. Um, how often do we have these dreams?' 'Oh, basically just if you forget to masturbate.' (LAUGHTER) Sorry, sir, just a follow-up question. How do you forget to masturbate?' 'You don't, and you won't. Uh...' (LAUGHTER) I'm not wrong, right? Those are not equivalent things at all, right? That's what we were taught. We were taught girls get periods, boys get wet dreams; fair's fair. That's not fair, right? (LAUGHTER) If I can give one piece of advice to the gentlemen in this audience, if you hear a woman complaining about her period, do not, under any circumstance, enter that conversation and say, 'Yeah, I know what you mean.' (LAUGHTER) 'Last night, I had a monster wetty.' (LAUGHTER) 'I had to do laundry. It was chaos.' (LAUGHTER) (WOMEN CHEER) I love you bitches! Love you! (ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC) (WOMEN SCREAM, CHEER) (MUSIC, CHEERING CONTINUE) I want that. (CLEARS THROAT) To a well-deserved promotion. Ho-ho! About time, eh, Daniel? Cheers. (GLASSES CLINK) It doesn't matter how long it took him to get there. Fact is, he's there now. And they're finally ready to start a family. Hmm. We've actually talked about it quite a bit, and we've decided we don't wanna have children. What? (LAUGHS) Is everything OK down there, Lisa? Yeah, it's fine. Don't worry, sweetie. You can do IVF. Oh, we don't need IVF. Is it your eggs? No, my eggs are fine. We just don't want to have children. Is it your sperm? No, my sperm is fine. OK. Is it your uterus? Inhospitable? That's OK. We can get a surrogate. Get your sister to do it. She's already wrecked her body. WHISPERS: You'll regret it. It's the best thing I ever did. We don't need a surrogate. I can grow a baby. I just don't want to. Is this about wanting to work? Look, you can do both. We can hire a nanny. Ooh! We can get a French one, one of those au pairs. Bon appetit. We don't need an au pair for our non-existent child. I just got you a basinet, Lisa. Why? The baby's got to sleep somewhere! What baby? Your baby. Our grandchild. There is no grandchild. (GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS) WHISPERS: Is it him? What? Is it Daniel? You don't want to have a baby with Daniel? Cos I know the chef here, and he's got a gorgeous physique. Jamie? Hey, Mr and Mrs Peterson. (BOTH CHUCKLE) Yeah, I don't want to have a baby with the chef, Mum. Oh, no, that is your choice. If you do change your mind, pop out back, I'll flop it out. Lisa, Lisa, he's a rower. OK, listen, all right? We have just decided that this is something that's not for us. OK? We wanna live our lives, we wanna focus on our careers, and we wanna give back to the world in a way that's not having children. So we're not having a baby. End of story. Come on, let's just go. (CHAIRS SCRAPE) Give her some time. She'll change her mind. Hey, did you notice they weren't drinking very much? They're trying to throw us... BOTH: ...off the scent! I just bought the buggy. (APPLAUSE) I like to masturbate... (LAUGHTER) ...in haunted houses,... so that afterwards, I don't feel alone. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) I was, um, with a guy,... and I said, 'Can we turn the lights off?' And he said, 'No, I want to leave the lights on. I want to see you.' And I said, 'Oh, but I don't want to see you.' (LAUGHTER) Um, I was married to a man 30 years older than me. And he used to do this thing. I'm not sure what it's called. Toe job? (LAUGHTER) Toe job. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, and he'd put his toe in me. (LAUGHTER) Is that a thing? (LAUGHTER) I wasn't into it. (LAUGHTER) I just kept thinking, 'Someone's going to walk in and think I've given birth to a full-grown man.' (LAUGHTER) So, last time I did this joke, someone yelled out, 'Which toe?' (LAUGHTER) We all know which toe it was. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) Which toe was it? WOMAN: Big` All of the toes? You said the big toe and all of the toes. (LAUGHTER) It has to be the big toe. Because... if it's any other toe,... (LAUGHTER) ...it's the whole foot. (LAUGHTER) And I'm not a shoe. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Funny. Whoo! Switch to Vodafone and get Vodafone TV Intro and three months' free unlimited broadband. That's over $640 of value. Funny. Whoo! Funny Girls. (INSPIRING MUSIC) (MUSIC STOPS, PLAYERS CHEER) (CRICKETS CHIRP) (MAN COUGHS) Oh! Are you girls on a hen's night? Nice costumes. (LAUGHS) Oh, great. Have a good one. Come on. Next. Hi. Purpose? Holiday. And who are you travelling with? Just me. Are you meeting your husband over there? Oh, no, it's just me. Going to meet your boyfriend? Nope. Don't have a partner. Just travelling. Oh, I'm sorry. Is it a funeral? Nope. Is this a Schapelle Corby situation? Shh! No. Oh, you're on the run. No, I'm jut a woman travelling alone. Oh, is this witness protection? Nope. Wait, are you being human trafficked? Oh, you're faking your own death. Has your house burned down, and you've got nowhere else to go? You're depressed. You're depressed, aren't you? You're having a breakdown. I'm not hav` I just` Yes, you are. Look, you're like, 'Eurh.' You came in all frazzled. Do I look like I'm having a mental breakdown? I know when someone's having a breakdown. 'Eurh!' And that's you. I'm not having a mental breakdown. Oh, you're adopting a kid to fill the void. (GASPS) You're overcoming a fear of flying. Wait, are you a famous actress researching the role of a flight attendant for an upcoming movie? Is this like when a cat goes away to die? Is that what's happening here? No, I just wanna see the world. What? Oh, that is some sexist bullsh` Is it really so hard to believe that I might want to travel alone? Is that really so hard for you to understand, sir? No, you just don't have a visa. Oh, do you need a visa to get`? Yeah, you definitely need a visa, yea. (POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYS) (GASPS) Oh, thank you so much. (CHUCKLES) While everyone's here, um, this has all been so touching. It's been an honour and a privilege to work with each and every single one of you. Even you, Denise. (LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES) I know it's a joke, but it still hurts. And while I am sad to be moving on, it is time to pass the baton on to the next woman who will be leading this company into the future. (WOMEN SCREAM, CLAMOUR) It's mine! It's mine, you bitch! Get out of the way! (GRUNTS, PANTS) Yes! (LAUGHS) Oh! Everyone, please meet your new CEO. Whoo! Thank you. (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Thank you. Thank you. I will lead this country into the future. Company. Company. (LAUGHTER) But I am grateful to my mum for giving me my kind of, like, political language. She was the reason at 8 or 9 I was going out on protests about Israel and Palestine ` on both sides. Just put a buck each way, see how this turns out. (LAUGHTER) But I try not to get too down about politics. Occasionally I'll read an article or something where I'm like, 'Eurgh! That's bad news.' And it happened to me the other day. I read an article. It was about the Fortune 500, which are the top 500 companies in America. And the article was about how only 27 of those companies are run by women. And only one of those women is not white. And when I read that, I was like, 'That's terrible. But I bet it's better in New Zealand.' So I looked it up, and I discovered in New Zealand, the NZ50, which are the top 50 companies in New Zealand. Only one of them is run by a woman. And I've heard she's a real bitch. (LAUGHTER) And when I saw that, I was like, 'Well, this is terrible. This is awful.' And I was complaining about it to my friend, who's a police prosecutor. I was like, 'This is bad news, you know?' And she goes, 'Well, you know what? It's actually not all bad.' I was like, 'Really? Are there lots of women who work in high-powered positions at your work?' She was like, 'No. But... 'the best meth cook in the country is a woman.' (LAUGHTER) I was like, 'I'm not sure that's something to be proud of.' And she was like, 'Well, you've gotta understand just how big meth is in New Zealand. It's huge! 'She's a captain of industry!' (LAUGHTER) 'Is she destroying communities? Yes. But is she a woman in a leadership position? Yes! 'We have got to get behind her and support here where we can.' I was like, 'Let's get Ed Hillary off the $5 note, chuck her on.' No one asked him to climb a mountain, but plenty of people are asking for meth. (LAUGHTER) It is hard, you know, when I heard that. Obviously the worst part about that, for me, is that she doesn't even know she's the best. Cos it's not like the cops are releasing a list of the top 10 meth cooks. There's nothing she can put on her fridge and be like, 'Look, Mum ` I made you proud.' (LAUGHTER) So she's just ended up in this position of so many other women, completely at the top of their field, but absolutely unaware of their own worth. Anyway, so that's why I do the bit, just to get the word out. Um... (LAUGHTER) And just to encourage people, really, to get out there and try meth, cos you don't know who you're supporting. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Captions by Able www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018