(CHEERY WHISTLING MUSIC) High five! (CHUCKLES) Ha ha! You missed! (LAUGHS, MUTTERS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) OK. Your first day of school's gonna be amazing. And I know you're starting later than everyone else and you don't really have any friends yet, but the internet assures me that you are just gonna be fine. Today's going to be great. Trust me ` I'm a mum. Mums know everything. Let's go. (CHUCKLES) Excuse me, lady in the lovely lumberjack outfit? Oh, we're just looking for` Oh, you don't belong here. (BELL RINGS) Ooh, is that the bell already? That's the first bell. It lets students know that they're allowed into the school grounds. First bell is 8.30, then you can come into school. Second bell is 8.45, warning you that the real bell's coming at 9. Ooh! That's confusing. (CHUCKLES) Most 5-year-olds seem to manage. (CHUCKLES) It's Ryan's first day. Do you know where Room 1 is? They should've shown you in your pre-school visit. Oh, we didn't do one ` they said it'd be fine. Gosh. (CHUCKLES) Your mummy's very brave, leaving so much to chance on the most important day of your little life. Room 1's by the cross-eyed Taniwha. Ooh! Sorry ` nearly smooshed your horse. It's a unicorn for her New Zealand nature inquiry. But unicorns aren't real. Unicorns aren't real?! They aren't native ` unicorns aren't native. But they do exist, just like this one right here does. Oh! Ooh! (BOTH GASP) Uh... (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Copyright Able 2018. Morena, Phil. Morena, Finn W. Hey, keep up that awesome Te Reo, e hoa. Hi. Hey! Oh, this must be... my new favourite student. Ko Phil toku ingoa. Kia ora. Phil, you are so reassuringly nice, and I'm so glad he's got a male teacher. Are you saying women can't be good teachers? No, that's not what I meant. Women can do anything, except get equal pay and look good in mum jeans. Right. Ollie, hang up your bag and` Oh, no, this isn't Ollie. This is Ryan. Phew. I've already got three Ollies, two Hollys and a Molly. Golly. Uh, Ryan skipped Year 0, so he's in Year 1, in Room 2, with Miss Love. Didn't they tell you on the pre-school visit? She didn't do one. Well, they said it would be fine. Can't he just stay in here with you, positive male role model? This school has a no-special-treatment policy. I'm afraid Cinnamon's mum is right. (GIGGLES) That's such a beautiful name. (LAUGHS) He's got allergies. We'll go. Thank you, Phil. (GIGGLES) (DOOR SQUEAKS) Hi. Miss Love? Uh, this is Ryan. You can't come in. Oh, but nice Phil said` Children can't come into my classroom until the second bell. When's that? 8.45. It's 8.44. (DOOR SQUEAKS) (DOOR THUDS) (BELL RINGS) Oh! Oh, uh-uh-uh. But second bell. No parents. It just prolongs the tears. Oh, I think I can hold it together. The child's tears. Oh right. Of course. OK. Oh, seven-second hug, long enough to release oxytocin to calm Mum's nerves. Not that you need to be calm, because, you know, I'm sure that this room is even cooler than Phil's. (CHUCKLES) And this is when you say... I love you, Mum. Oh, I love you too, my Ry-guy. Have the best day, OK? OK. (SIGHS) Mm. (DOOR CREAKS) I can still see you! So, how excited are you for today, out of 10? B. Yes, you are your father's son, aren't ya! In ya go. So, first day as a school mum? Is it that obvious? Yeah. (CHUCKLES) (DOOR CREAKS) Hey, how easy is it to change classes? (SCOFFS) You could try the office. It's in the library. Thank you. OK. In the library? There was a fire, so the office, the music room and the sick bay are now in the library. I'll show ya. I've had four go through Kate Sheppard. I'm Braxton's Mum. Hey, Mrs Hicks! Ryan's Mum. Wait. Is your kid called Braxton Hicks? Yeah. I'm a huge Toni Braxton fan. Oh. I love him. Mm. Ooh! Sorry. Excuse me. Don't worry about her ` she's very low in the school hierarchy. Oh. At the top is the alpha mums. I've actually taken Cinnamon right off gluten. Wow. Yeah. She's a hybrid of paleo-keto, and her gymnastics is 100%. Very intense about parenting. She doesn't like me very much. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Then there's the normals, followed by the full-time working mum. Just shift the meeting, Gerard. Working mums are just as important as hardcore mums, even the part-time working-from-home ones. Well, I don't make the rules. And below that's the nannies and grannies. WHISPERS: Oh, and lastly, the dads. No one talks to them. Oh, why not? I think maybe it's because everyone congratulates them for doing the same thing that we do every day, but no one congratulates us. Oh, but we all want the same thing, right? Drinks for afternoon tea. Our kids to enjoy school. Ooh, our kids to enjoy school. Come on. OK. Late, sick, parental complaint? I wanna change my son's teacher. Does he have Miss Love? That doesn't inspire confidence. I'm sorry. It's just that if we changed every child whose parents complained about Miss Love, there'd be no one left in Room 2. None of this is encouraging. Well, didn't you cover that in your pre-school visit? They said it would be fine. Sorry. WHISPERS: He doesn't have a Dad, so it would mean a lot for him to be in Phil's class. WHISPERS: Did his father pass away? No, he just passed on all parental responsibility. WHISPERS: Right. There is someone who might be able to help. She gets a lot done in the school. She made the staffroom gluten-, sugar- and flavour-free. She sounds perfect. (TINKLY PIANO MUSIC) Oh, sorry. I was last year's junior parent liaison. we haven't voted for this year's one yet, so I can't help you get special treatment. But you could if you wanted to? I could. But you don't want to? I don't. Cos of the unicorn? WHISPERS: Unicorn decapitator. (TINKLY PIANO MUSIC) (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) Is that everyone? WHISPERS: Who cares? (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) OK. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) I always thought that was below. No. (CLEARS THROAT) (CHATTER CONTINUES) (CLEARS THROAT) One, two, three, eyes on me. (CHATTER FADES) Welcome, new parents. I'm the principal, Mr Coxhead. Good morning. Good morning, Mr Coxhead. I like how Jaden's Mum is sitting so nicely. Now, I'm sure you must have a lot of questions. Yes. My child requires constant praise. Is that gonna be a problem? What does below national average mean? My child is gifted, so does that mean I don't have to pay my voluntary fees? My child is gifted, just not in the provable sense. And follow-up question ` have you seen my son's shoes? No... special... treatment. Excuse me. Hi. Sorry. I'm Ryan's mum. I just wanna ask a quick question. That fire was ruled not suspicious. OK. I actually wanna change his teacher. Oh. Does he have Miss Love? Yes. But I'd much rather him be with Phil, who was his original teacher, so it's technically not a special treatment ` it's simply reverting back to your own original, excellent placement. Sorry ` it feels like special treatment to me. That's what Cinnamon's mum said. She can be very generous with her opinions. (CHUCKLES) Oh, God, I hope she's not the junior parent liaison this year. We had daily meetings. And it would be nice to give someone else a go. Well, maybe I could volunteer, keep her out of your hair. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. WHISPERS: Then would you change his teacher? No more daily meetings? I would do the bare minimum. Then perhaps I could revert back to my original, excellent placement. (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) WHISPERS: Yes! (MUSIC CONTINUES) (GIGGLES) Did you get your son moved? Oh. No. Aw. But Mr Coxhead asked me to become this year's junior parent liaison. The volunteer meeting's tonight, right? Do you know what the job entails? Yes. Liaising and such. And fundraising, disco dances, trivia nights, cupcake experiences` Yup. I can do all that. Love it. OK. Well, I'll see you tonight, then. Don't forget to dress up. Ooh, ooh. Whoa. Is it dress-up? That's what I said. Well, good. (BELL RINGS) (CHEERING) Hey. How was your first day? It was scary. Oh. But I was brave. Well, don't worry, cos Mum's got a plan to get you back with Phil. Jaden, where are your shoes? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (GASPS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC FADES) WHISPERS: You said it was dress-up. No, I said dress up. I distinctly heard you say dress-up. Dress up. You're saying it wrong on purpose. You know, my friends at Mothers Against Cultural Appropriation are gonna love the Moana outfit (!) It's so meta. (CHUCKLES) No filter. (CHUCKLES) Send. (CHUCKLES) It was supposed to be a celebration of a strong Pasifika princess,... which I now regret. Phil, I apologise unreservedly. (PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKS) I hear Miss Love has a lot of screen time in her class. Used correctly, technology can be an effective educational tool. She was catching up on The Block. Do you mind if I post your picture on Instagram? Yes. OK. (BEEP!) (CLAPS RHYTHMICALLY) (ALL REPEAT CLAPPED RHYTHM) Firstly, I would like you all to know that our very own Phil has been nominated for teacher of the year... again. Kia ora, Phil. I just want to say that I think parents are the best teachers. Aw. Right. Well, first, we need someone for junior parent liaison. We've never had two volunteers before. Well, maybe we could have two of whatever the plural of liaises is. Put it to a vote! Yeah, let's vote! Right. I did the job last year, so I know everything already. Well, maybe it's time for something new, fresh ideas, a little bit of fun. As you can see, I have no problem completely humiliating myself for the sake of the school. (CHUCKLES) My great-uncle is the Mad Butcher and will give significant discounts on sausage sizzles, I'm a semi-professional cupcake artist, and I can make a lolly lei in under 20 seconds. Well, we just moved here, so I don't know the Mad Butcher yet, but I do feel a good lolly lei takes time, but I promise each of you, I will try my very best. She didn't do her pre-school visit. They said it would be fine! My husband works for the Land of Liquor and will donate free drinks to every meeting. Shall we vote? All in favour of Cinnamon's mum? All in favour of Ryan's Mum? (APPLAUSE) Can we have our free drinks now? (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) (CHEERY WHISTLING MUSIC) (CHUCKLES) You've got a lot of likes, Mum. Were you cool in school? So cool. Let's go. Jaden, where are your shoes? I'm glad you didn't change classes. It's so disruptive, and disrupted children are 12 times more likely to become addicts later in life. Have you got a 5-year-old in a pram? It's cross-country today ` Cinnamon needs to rest her quads. In my family, exercise is important. OK. OK, listen up, Activewear, do you think you can just stop Mum-splaining everything? Are you bullying me? No. This is a bully free zone. So if you could be less mean to me, I'd really appreciate that. Are you bullying me? As junior parent liaison, I'm gonna make sure no one changes classes, ever. Come on. OK. Have a good day. Bye. (GIGGLES) And don't get disrupted! Ryan's good at maths. Excuse me? Yesterday, when we were watching The Block, he was good at tallying the scores. Thank you. Would you say he's gifted? You can leave now. You know the best way to deal with bullying? Just put your head down and let those 12 years of school just fly by? No, agree with them. Bullying's all about the power play. So if you let them get to you, they've won. Kill them with kindness. I couldn't help but notice your son had a peanut butter sandwich yesterday. Are you everywhere? I'm not saying you were trying to murder Ethan with the nut allergy, but it could certainly be seen that way. I agree. I should learn the school rules and try not to kill Ethan. I think it's technically more of an intolerance than an allergy, but still, you need to up your mum game. Even dads know that nuts are a no-no. That's really helpful. Gosh, I admire your passion for parenting. No one admires my passion for parenting. And you know what? You're right ` I should have done my pre-school visit. I did three. Wow! Cos, you know, the truth is, I'm not a perfect mum. And it's just me, and I'm doing the best that I can, but maybe I should take advice from other people who are trying to help. It is really hard being perfect. Uh-huh. I run a multi-thousand-dollar cupcake business. Wow. I make all my own Play-Doh from scratch, and Cinnamon's an above-average cartwheeler, but still, people can be judgy. Oh, they so can. I am so tired. Oh, me too! (LAUGHS, GASPS) (CHUCKLES) I'm really sorry about the unicorn. That's OK. It wasn't her best work ` looked like a 5-year-old made it. (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Are we in trouble, Mr Coxhead? Oh, I thought the biscuits in the staffroom were for everyone. I heard you this morning, and it got me thinking that maybe this liaison job is too much for one parent. No. I eat multitasking for breakfast and brunch. Yet you publicly admitted you find juggling life challenging, so I'd like these ladies to help you out. Maybe you can run your ideas past them,... instead of me. Do we really need...? Braxton's mum has a masters in accounting. So I would be senior junior parent liaison? If that's what it takes. And I will junior the heck out of whatever this job actually is. And your husband's free-drinks thing would still stand, right? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) About changing classes` Oh, Ryan can stay where he is. I like Miss Love. What? This is your team's fundraising goal for this year. We have to raise $15,000? Actually, that should say $150,000. That is a lot more than last year! You have to be kidding me! That's quite high. And a hush filled the air. Hush. Hush. Here, at Kate Sheppard Primary, we do our best, and we don't get stressed. Good luck, ladies. Braxton's mum, make an Excel spreadsheet of local sponsors. Ko Hine toku ingoa. My name's Hine. Oh. Kia ora, Hine. I'm Jess. Kia ora, Jess. Heather. Hine, the spreadsheet's not going to make itself. Let's put the 'fun' back in fundraising. We're gonna be the best fundraisers in the history of fundraising. I mean, it's not a competition. But if it was, I would win. You? We would win? Who's with me? (LAUGHS) Yes! (BOTH LAUGH) (SIGHS, LAUGHS) My mum is great because, um... She likes guinea pigs. She sometimes tells me to mop the floor. (SIGHS) She lets me take the guinea pigs out, but one of them died. She's a bit embarrassing. She peed her pants when she was playing hide-and-seek. Actually, she's good. Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018.