Cuz, cuz, cuz! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Callum! No, no, no! Let me show you how a real man does it. Gather round, gather round, gather round. OK. Gather around. I learned this move playing for Man U. Trialling. OK, it's almost the same thing. It was 'Man-u-watu'. So, I actually played for Manuwatu, which is how we pronounce it down there. Anyway, so see my hand? Oh, no, you don't, because I'm holding his jersey. Spin him around. Hold the jersey. Hold the jersey. What do you mean, ref? What do you mean, ref? Simple, OK? I call that move 'lasagne'. Anybody know why? Because it's cheesy? Because nobody gets pasta. Wow. Any questions? I'm not allowed pasta because I'm allergic to gluten. You should call a move 'gluten intolerance'. Oh, oh, or 'celiac disease'. Huh, these are really good offers, guys, uh, but I can't imagine running around going, 'Oh, let's do the gluten free move.' Or let's do the` What did you call it? Celiac disease. The 'that disease' move. No. No! We're going to do the lasagne move! Now! (BLOWS WHISTLE) Let's see it. Let's see it. Pete, Pete, Pete, wait, wait. How long do I have to coach these little gremlins? It's part of your contract, Boz ` one senior team, one junior team. Besides, these kids need a decent coach. After your brother's useless efforts last season. Is Steve fine with it? I mean, have you talked to him? (SCOFFS) Yeah, of course. He's totally fine. Super fine. (CELL PHONE DINGS) (CELL PHONE DINGS) Don't eat pasta if you have celiac disease. (LAUGHS) Callum, you little eggplant. (UPBEAT MUSIC) (INAUDIBLE) Copyright Able 2018 Come on, Nadia! (GROANS) Cannonball! (GRUNTS) Get up, Daddy! James, how many times have I told you not to fly-elbow me there? What about here? (GRUNTS) Not anywhere, man. Just let` give us five minutes. Dad, come on, you have to get up and take us to football already. I don't have to. You guys just walk or something. It's too far. It's not too far. Just take your scooters. Dad, we have to go on the motorway. Take your helmets, then. Come on, Dad, get up. Dad, you're the coach. Get your mum to take you or something. Steve, get up now and call the bloody club president back. He's trying to get a hold of you. Uh, why is he...? Yep, babe, I'm just gonna... I'm almost there, buddy. I'm just going to put my pants on. (GRUNTS) James! That was my actual balls. (UPBEAT MUSIC) Why are we here so early? So the lord and saviour Jesus Christ has time to answer our prayers before the other children. Jesus doesn't know about football. Jesus knows about everything. And he knows about that B you got in maths. Please, oh Lord, let Marius be successful in making the team by playing like a nice boy. Please, Lord, let me make a friend. Yes. And let Marius make a friend. But at the same time, wipe the floor and annihilate the other children. (HALLELUJAH RINGTONE PLAYS) Jesus, is that you? Yeah! Wow. (CHUCKLES) I bet your husband never did it like that. I want five stars. You want me to rate you, like an Uber rating? Yeah, five stars. You know, like, 'Smooth ride. Stayed on course. Checked the water and oil.' Three stars. Left me short of my destination. (CHUCKLES) OK, yeah. Yeah, that's pretty funny. (CELL PHONE VIBRATES) (GROANS) Why can't you just stay in bed? Earn your five stars. Kali, I have to go. I have to get home, and then I have to pick up Amanda, then I have to go to the trials. Sort out that mess of a football team my brother's got. Steve was fine last year. It's just a game. Just a game? Just a game? Oh! OK. OK. Was, um, World War I just a game? No. Because they had World War II. What about Monopoly? No. Monopoly usually is a game, Boz. Except when my 11-year-old son lands on Mayfair, and you yell in his face, 'Give me all your money, bitch.' Uh. Anyway, it's great that you're the coach. Sanjay will definitely be on the team, which means you'll get to see more of me. Oh. If Sanjay makes the team. If Sanjay didn't make the team, I might have to tell Amanda what you and I have been up to. You wouldn't dare. Hmm. What are you doing? I'm going. Sanjay is out there. Use the window. (SIGHS) Six stars. Sanjay makes the team. (KEYBOARD CLICKS) (UPBEAT MUSIC) (DIAL TONE) (PHONE RINGS) (GROANS) Hello? Oh. Calm down, Kali. What messages. For crying out loud, Kali, I haven't forgotten. I was just in the shower. Yes, for an hour and a half. What do you mean 'there's not that much to wash'? Maybe your cold heart shrunk it. Look, I'll be there to pick him up as planned, OK? What time was the game again? AM? I knew that, just jokes. OK, I'm leaving now. Bye. Alexia. (TRILLS) Good morning, Sunil. Where's my phone? Your phone is located in Papatoetoe. Papatoetoe? (BOTTLES RATTLE) (CAMERA SHUTTER) (YAWNS) Sorry, I'm up. I am up. OK. I'm raring. Can you take a photo of me? Quick, quick. What do you mean take a photo of you? What's this for? It's for Instagram. Don't they have enough photos? (SHUTTER SNAPS) All righty. Yeah? That's good. That's a good one, yeah. All right, boys, you ready for football this year? Yeah. Yes. Ah, this is going to be a different season. OK. I just` I got this jacket especially. I need you to do a better version. What do you mean a better version? It's just not good-enough, OK. Just stand on the chair there. What do you mean not good-enough? It's just a photo. OK, here we go. Great. Yeah. Oh, yeah, totally. I can see why you got me to do a different one. Is it good? That's good. All right. What's this? Homemade Kombucha. Kom what? It's a probiotic for your gut, OK? It's good for you. It's pronounced 'Kumbucha'. Ugh. I know what 'bucha' is. You certainly taste the` Hey, have you called the club president back yet? Oh, crap. Oh, shit. James. Steve! He can't swear like that. I've left the journal at the bloody radio station at work. OK, well, come on, boys, let's go. What do you mean 'let's go'? We` I haven't` Listen to your wife, Steve. I don't have to listen to her, bloody James. We've just finished our prayers, all ready for today's soccer trial. Dee, what's Marius doing? Marius, sit up straight. When did you ever see Jesus Christ slouch? When he was on the cross? Marius Joost Van Der Mede, you listen to your mother. She's a great woman, and she knows best. (COUGHS) What's wrong with Marius? Has he got the devil in him? Oh, no, it's just a cough this time. You're going to have to listen to her a lot more too, cos I'm afraid I'm going to have to stay in South Africa a little longer than we expected. Oh, no, Joost, how come? It's my father. He's sick, and he needs me. What's wrong with Oupa? Well, it's` The thing about Oupa is` Uh... Are you there, Dee? Father Clive? Yeah, I'm all right. Thank you my, China. Now, Joost's father is very unwell, so we've been praying for him here, but we might need some extra prayers from Down Under. Oh, of course Father. Now, remember, the church is always there for you, Dee, with a listening ear and comfort in your times of need. Well, Father, I was going to ask your help, because I need to` Anyway, we must dash now. I'm` Well, the church is taking your lovely hubby out to dinner to cheer him up. Yummy. Um, they've gone. Time for maybe one more prayer, eh? Ah! I think I'm seeing double. Not at all. Can we get four more drinks? I mean four. (LAUGHTER) Sorry, uh, I was just wondering if your daughter was home? Oh. Just jokes. So, you come here often? What are you doing tonight? (GROANS) (SIGHS) This is going to be hell. Come on, honey, this will be great. It's not going to be great, Amanda. I've gone from coaching the premiere team to babysitting. This is humiliating. No, you are giving back to the club, and these kids will be idolizing you. Plus, it's good practice for when we have kids. If we have kids, Amanda. I mean, we don't know if that whole LPG thing is going to work. It's IVF, Boz, and I know it will work. IVF. Plus, coaching this lot, it's a chance for you to be a hero for a new generation at the club. Yeah, you're right. A hero like` like, when those footballers go and visit disabled kids in a hospital. I think it's going to be like that. Look, I don't know what you're complaining about. Poor Steve is the one who isn't coaching them any more. Steve. (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) Hey, dad. Buddy, stop stalling and get in the car. You're going to make us late. So, is your mom seeing anyone? I don't know. Here you go. Awesome, Dad! Hash brown. And half a McMuffin. McDonald's wouldn't sponsor sports stars if they didn't want them to eat it before a big game. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) We're always late. Hurry up. Hurry up. Sorry. Sorry, guys. Hey, hey. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I just, uh, left the old bible at work. OK, we've got some, uh, tactics, and we've got rules this year. So, that's going to be great. So, let's get started with the old coaching I reckon. So, um, this year's going to be different cos I've written down a few things from the internet, which have been really intriguing me, and we're going to start with a three-three-two formation. Little bro, did you take the call from the club president? Why does everyone keep harping on about that? No, I didn't. I'll call him after the trials. OK, uh, you're not coach any more. They've actually decided to sort this train wreck out by bringing in a professional. Can anyone guess who that professional is? (LAUGHS) That's right. It's me. Can anybody tell me why we're going to be winners this year? Cos dad's not going to be coaching us? (LAUGHS) That's` That's really good, actually. I've been coaching these guys` Oh, OK, great farewell speech. OK, everybody,... 80 push-ups, this way. OK, have a good` have a good trial, everyone. Why do you let your brother walk all over you like that? Not now, Sunil. You gotta grow some balls. That's why Boz ended up with your lady, Amanda. Shut up, Sunil. She's not my girl. She's my sister-in-law. Dude, that is one of my favourite genres. It's totally cool that you want to sleep with your sister. In-law. In... In-law. Well, what's the difference? She's an auntie of my children. It's like blood type, parents. Plus loads of other stuff I've looked into, so just drop it. Never got out of the friend zone, did you, mate? Come on, get serious. Wouldn't you tap that? Listen, I like taking her to the airport at 6am, like, I'm not doing anything. You know, it helps her out, so it's fine. Be like me, man ` face your fears. Is that Kali over there? Where? Just over there. Hey, Sanjay! Sanjay. What are you doing? Oh, just getting the glare off my screen. Can you not do that behind me? Why are you even here, Kali? You don't even like football. Or you. You think I should grow some balls. Go, Sanjay. Hi. I'm Marius' mum, Dee. Hi. I'm Sarah. I'm Noah's mum. Oh. Oh, God caused the floods because he regretted creating the human race. Luckily, God chose your boy to build an ark to save all the animals from God's wrath, so... Right, um, yeah, we're not Christians. We just liked the name. So what religion are you? Um, well, we don't really` Mormon? No, we really don't` Islam? Muslim? Agnostic. Oh. Oh. Well, I hope you enjoy sitting on the fence in heaven for all of eternity. Uh, I'm just going to go and stand over here. What are you doing Marius? Kick the ball! What are you doing? He's not your friend! Nobody here is your friend. Yes, that's better. I like it. Hooked up with another model last week. What? Yeah. Another model? Yep, check this out. What do you mean 'another one'? When was the first one you ever hooked up with? Whoa, what? Bro, what is this? Look at it. Whoa, is that you? She` She let you film that? Well, it was her idea, mate. She got out the tripod. You lost weight, bro? That's her. Oh OK. Why's there a dog in it? That's my back. OK. Steve. Steve. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey! Amanda. Hey. Hey, sorry to hear you're not coaching the team this year. You were doing such a good job. You know, Boz has volunteered` Oh, no, Boz isn't volunteering. It's part of his contract. - Oh, is it? Yeah, those contracts, eh. - (MOANING PLAYS ON HEADPHONES) What are you listening to? Yeah, Steve, what are you listening to? Pass, pass, pass. Yes! (ALL CHEER) You play Fortnite? Hell, yes. You? Yeah, like all the time. Ah, cool, me too. Come on, Marius, what are you doing standing around?! Don't talk to him. He's not your friend. What's her problem? Stop gossiping! Get back to halfway! Bloody immigrant. What` What did you say? (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) What did you say to me? I'm sorry, what? What did you say? No, uh, nothing. I was just watching... Watching what? What are you watching? Nothing. What's more important than these kids playing? What? Nothing, nothing. Show me. No. Show me. Show me what you're watching. No, no, no. ON PHONE: You like that? Oh yeah. It's not` Disgusting. That was close, eh? Sanjay, pick yourself up! It's not Olympic diving. Have you ever thought that maybe football isn't Sanjay's game? No, no. It definitely is. And we're talking about that Sanjay on that field? Cos I don't know if he even knows the rules. Cos he needs to learn from a professional, Boz. Besides, if he doesn't make the team, that would make me sad, and when I'm sad,... I don't like to perform specific acts. (CLEARS THROAT) (BLOWS WHISTLE) OK, listen up. Let's, uh, start with the positives. OK, and, uh, let's go in to` I can't go in to the negatives. There's just too many. I got, like, two pages of negatives. I mean, some of you just look like you turned up to have oranges here today. I was hungry, OK. OK, if I, uh, read your name out, you're on the first team. And then after that, you're obviously in the crap` the, um` (CLEARS THROAT) the, um` the second team. Other team. Uh, Boz, I` You're gonna name the team here? I don't think you should` Maybe` I mean, Steve normally does it on Facebook. Yeah, and whoever doesn't get in the first team gets free movie tickets. Well, that and the fact that Steve doesn't like confrontation. What? No. I hate that guy. Maybe you should tell him. It's all right. It's fine. I'll just` We'll do it later. It's fine. That's really nice to know. Guess who's getting a movie ticket? No one! Because I'm reading out the team. OK. The team, in no particular order, is ` (COUGHS) Sanjay. What the? Yes. The two J's ` James, Jayden. Noah. Yes. Ryan. Yes. Dean. Ooh, no, not Dean. He was crap. Um, sorry, I can't read my own writing sometimes. I meant Callum, and goal keeper because they're the tallest, Aroha. Whoa, how old is she? How old are you? I'm 11. Really, OK. Does she have a birth certificate? I'm older than you. You got a boyfriend? Hey, flirty Smurf and Smurfette, just, I'm reading` I'm reading the team out, OK. Also, let's welcome to the team the only shining light ` Marius. (ALL CHEER) Excuse me, why wasn't Marius called out first? Cos I` I'm just doing it in no particular order. Yeah, but Sanjay shouldn't even be on the team, let alone called out first. What's your problem lady? My problem is that your son shouldn't be on the team and that your friend here should be locked up in prison for looking at porn at a kids' game. What? Yeah, and he wants to sleep with his own sister. Oh. Freak. In-law. In-law. What? What? I mean, my sister. I mean, um,... Sorry, like, when's` When's the first game? Saturday. Yeah, that's` That's what I meant. I meant Saturday... in law. Cool. See you Saturday. That means go. I'll go get the trophies and movie tickets for the second team. Yeah, Dean, I'll give you the first one. All right. Great chat. OK. I just know it. Player of the day every time. You wait till your father hears that. Excuse me? Excuse me, your boy racer go-kart is blocking my car. Yeah, sure is. And the ladies love it. You double-parked me in on purpose, you bloody asshole. The hazards are on. Have you got irritable bowel syndrome or something? No. Then put a sock in it, OK? I didn't even know who you are until an hour ago. I'll move it soon, you psycho. Psycho? (CHUCKLES) You are a middle-aged man who dresses like a try-hard. And if this car doesn't scream divorce, I don't know what does. Keep it down. Can see what I'm trying to do here? Yeah. Are you off your meds? What the hell's wrong with you. Not nearly as much as what's wrong with you. I don't need drugs. I have Jesus. Oh, you surely lucked out. You take that back. Hey, Dad. Not now, Sanjay. But, Dad! What, Sanjay? Can we have my new best mate around to our house today? Yeah, whatever. Marius, Dad said it's cool for you to stay. Yes. (SIGHS) Get in the car, Marius! Captions by Antony Vlug. www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018