(WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Look at you. You're a disgrace. Disgrace! How's the dead rat, Roy? Sad to be leaving, but thoroughly enjoyed his stay. OK, this is disgusting. What brings you ladies to Palmy North? Um, we're here for an early childhood conference. Early childhood? Those were the days, eh, mate? Hm? Right. So, are you ladies enjoying your stay? No. Sorry, who are you? Oh, sorry. I'm Michael, the other son. Half son. Different mums, different times, different folks. That's correct. We're just going through a little bit of a rebranding at this stage, so apologies for any inconvenience. OK. Well, as well as that dead rat, we found dog hair on the plates. Oh. What sort of dog? OK, and there's a skid mark on the toilet. That must be the stock-car boys. And we haven't been able to get the Wi-Fi. Oh, gotta have Wi-Fi. You know, next door can't get it either? Well, have you called the internet people? Every time I call, nobody answers. I always answer when somebody calls. Mum? Mum? Yes? Roy? OK, well this is completely unacceptable. We need the Wi-Fi. You really should have Wi-Fi, Mum. Mm. I know. Do you not care about your customers? Yes, we do. Oh, we care. No, we're very caring. I mean, last week we had a Fijian customer here. And when he left, we sang him a Fijian goodbye song. # Isa Isa... BOTH SING OFF-KEY: # ...vulagi lasa dina. 'Isa, Isa, you are my only treasure.' # Nomu lako # au na rarawa kina. 'Must you leave me, so lonely and foreshaken?' Forsaken, Roy. Forsaken. Forsaken. Forsaken. # Cava beka # ko a mai cakava. 'As the roses will miss the sun at dawning,...' # Nomu lako # au na sega ni lasa. '...every moment, my heart for you is yawning.' Yearning, Roy. Yearning. Dammit. Anyway, it turns out he was Samoan, but he was lovely. Yeah, lovely chap. Yes, so, that was a goodbye song, so, um,... goodbye. Catch you later. Good luck with the internet. # Isa Lei. # Isa Lei. # Na noqu rarawa. # Na noqu rarawa. # We'll get the internet... sorted. (DOOR CLOSES) (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Captions by Able www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 Gee, it got dark quickly, didn't it? Come with me. In you get. Anne. Verity. Verity. Anne. Hit me. No, Roy. No? No, Roy. Oh, that went well. No it didn't, Roy. It didn't go well. You completely dismissed their complaint and you sang a goodbye song. We were just trying to give them a bit of personality. Yes, but its not amateur theatre hour. It's a friggin' motel. Everyone's a critic. And you, Roy, dressed like a rural Magnum PI. I thought you would've grown out of that by now. No, I'm still the same size, Michael. We can't all be perfect like you, Michael. Yeah, Dad. Well said, Verity, Anne. Hit me. There we go. And look at the dirt and grime in this place, Mum. Pretend Mum. Look at all the bacteria. There's more culture than Auckland there. Gets worse. I want to show you guys something. Look at this. Look at that. Oh! Sperm. And in the kitchen. It's like a constellation. Look ` there's Orion's Belt, Mum. How does it even get there? You take your pants off, for starters, eh, Anne? Don't you guys have a cleaner? Yes, we do, but we paid for her to go to Queenstown. Why would you do that? She loves skiing. She's on the piste as we speak. Yeah. She's an alcoholic. What's wrong? You sent her skiing? This is really a lot worse than I thought. No, it's great. Hey. Hey, what do you think you're doing? Oh, is this your car? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I thought it was my car. No, it's mine, mate. No, Asoese, that's not your car. Your car's over there. The white one. Thanks, Jocelyn. An honest mistake, mate. Who was that? That's Asoese. He's our long-term WINZ resident. Well, he just tried stealing my car. No. He's just got bung eyes. He once borrowed my car to go to Pak n Save and ended up in Sanson. That's right. It was funny, wasn't it? Yeah, hilarious (!) So, why do we have long-term WINZ residents staying here? We have to keep our occupancy rate above 3%, mate. Yeah. We can't afford to have shady characters like that roaming around the grounds with their bung eyes, acting like they're Vin Diesel, though. No, he looks more like the Rock. Listen, we've got an inspector here in a couple of days, Mum. That's not much time, is it? What do you want me to do? Well, someone go and tell him to start acting friendlier, or we can kiss that Silver Status goodbye. Jeez, a 'please' would be nice. Please, Roy. Ow! He's hurting me, Mum. Oh! Don't be such a sook, Roy. You're such a big girls blouse. Favouritism. She's favouring the pretend son over the real son. That's taken the wind right out of my sails. I hardly touched him, Mum. I know. So sorry about the mix-up, Joss. Oh, no worries. Not a problem. (TOILET FLUSHES) Hey, you just pay Mr Patel the $500 back, or I'll break your legs off. OK. Love to Nina. Bye. (PHONE BEEPS) Hi, Chantel. Nice headset. Oh, thanks. Yeah, I'm on a two-week trial as a debt collector. It's so much fun. Awesome. Shot, babe. What's up? We were just wondering if Asoese could look a bit friendlier. OK. Well, what does friendly look like? Like this, you know? You look sad, Roy. Um, we have had a complaint that you looked menacingly at someone. Just passing on the message. Oh, nah, it's his eyes. Like, he's trying to focus on where he's going. He can't even get a job. I thought you had a job at Just Jeans. I did, Jocelyn, but I got fired. I accidentally sold the curtains. What about glasses? Nah, just the curtains. Well, have you tried looking on the bright side of life, mate? Roy, he can't see! Ah, I see, yes. Is there any way you can focus on where you're going and smile at the same time? It's easy, mate. All you do is walk around like this. See? And smile. You still look sad, Roy. Actually, that is quite difficult. (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) # I love my daddy. I'm his little boy. Mum, I'm just going through these books, and your expenditure's just way out of control. # He's my daddy, and his name's Roy. A bit like your son, Roy. # I love my Daddy. # Kevin. How long is he here for? Sharon's gone on holiday with her new man for a couple of days, so I'm just looking after him. Mum's new man is Rich. Money's not everything, Kevin. No, that's his name ` Rich. Right, go outside and sing, love. # Daddy tries his hardest, but he's often sad. # Right, OK. Well, just going through at these accounts, and Peter's right ` you're just way overspending, Mum. Mm-hm. Who's Peter? He's your accountant. And he says you're overspending. Who says? Peter. Who's Peter? He's your accountant, Roy. And he says you're also gambling the motel's money away. No, we're not. Come on, go you good thing, go. Why did you spend $500 on Lotto last week? Uh, well, that was the jackpot. And the $2000 for the murder mystery night. I think somebody actually did get murdered. Those were legal fees. All right, you two, the overspending stops now. Dad would be rolling in his grave if he saw the state of this. Yes. And I didn't drop 20 grand into this dump so you two squander it away. No, no. If we want to obtain that Silver Status... Yes, yes. ...we just need to provide a safe, clean place to stay. Yes. Tricky. Well, it wouldn't be tricky Mum, if you didn't send the cleaner to Queenstown, would it? Yes. You're going to need to pick up a bit of the slack, all right? Mm. You on board, Roy? Yes, yes. Is he on Trackside? Yes, come on, come on. Move it, move it! Roy, are you gambling right now? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Roy? No. (RACE COMMENTARY CONTINUES QUIETLY) What do you have to say, Mum? What's an eight-letter word for 'all is lost'? It's hopeless. Great. Thanks. Bloody hopeless. You need help, Roy. So does your son. (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) I'm cleaning the walls with this pooey cloth, and so now there's even more poo on the walls than when I started. This is disgusting. Learn to flush, ladies. Goodness me. It was like that when we got here. Pretty sure if I can bargain with it, it might go down. Come on, mate. You're not welcome here. Get out. Get out. (TOILET GURGLES) How long are you two gonna be? Till everything's fixed and you ladies are happy. We've got an inspector coming on Friday. (PHONE RINGS) (LAUGHS) Good luck with that. Hi, Kevin. KEVIN ON PHONE: Hi, beautiful Daddy. I was just ringing to tell you how much I love you. Not now, mate. I'm in the toilet. Kisses, then? Oh, all right. BOTH SING: # I love you. You love me. We love each other. See you, mate. Love you, Dad! He sounds like a cute kid. He... He's very in touch with his feelings. When's yours due? I'm not pregnant. She is. Oh, really? Oh, you'd never know you were pregnant. You're carrying all that baby in your arse. Excuse me? Now, you want to be careful breastfeeding. I almost died. Really? Well, I was crossing the road. Yeah, true story. Look, could you two please leave us alone to do our work? Well, hang on. Got to hang some art first. (CRUNCH!) Oh, you`! Oh my God! There's another rat!! Oh! Rat. Roy, Get it! Get it! (SQUEAK!) Got him. Ooh. We've got a bleeder. Wet wipe? You well, Anne? No. Good. Good. Mummy, I want to be famous. OK, darling. Just be back by 4. You've got two more units after this, OK, Roy? Yeah, just fixing the wiring, Your Highness. You well, Anne? No. Good. Good to hear. (ELECTRICITY BUZZES) (THUD!) Oh! Smoking now, babe? Yeah. I think it's because of the stress. Oh, sorry. Am I in the wrong room? (SIGHS) Bloody eyes. Hi. I'm Anne. Anne. I'm Asoese. Hmm. That's a nice name. What does it mean? Different Day. (FARTS) How long are you staying? Until my husband thinks he can get a return on this motel. Inspector's coming on Friday. True? Friday? Mm. My career's on hold until he... until he comes to his senses. Oh. What do you do? I was a therapist. I really want to be a cop. But I failed the eye exam. Well, what about eye surgery? Nah. My uncle died of eye surgery. Really? Yeah. Crashed on the way there. He couldn't see. (CHUCKLES) That's a shame. I wouldn't worry about your eyes, though. There's not really much to see anyway. Yeah. Same shit. Different day. All right. I might see you around, eh? Doubt it. You well, Anne? Good. Mm. No, there's nothing within a 12-mile radius. It's the bloody stock cars. Annoying. Oh, man! (DOOR CLOSES) What's on TV, babe? Tennis? You smell different. Are you going somewhere? Can you get us a coke? So you've cleaned this one? Yeah, I think so, mate. Excuse me? Excuse me? There is a strange man in our unit. Is there? Yep. Oh shit, Roy. What? It's that WINZ guy again. Is he's having a laugh? Can't see his mouth moving, man. Nobody's eyes are that bung. You sure? Yep. Get rid of him. Oh, I can't do that, mate. That's Asoese. He wouldn't hurt a fly. Get rid of him now, Roy. But he'll kick my arse. (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Babe? Babe? There we go. Problem solved. I want him gone tomorrow, Roy. Who? Him. Asoese? Yes. Oh, come on mate. Tomorrow. Tomorrow? Here we go, guys. Got two tickets to Owlcatraz here. Sweet. Thanks, Roy. Yes, you can go on Friday. You can take my car, if you like. Oh, we can't go on Friday. Oh, but Friday would be a great day to take Asoese to see the owls though, wouldn't it mate? Yes. Owl Pacino. Owl Capone. Owl McPherson. He can't see. He can hear their hoots, though, can't he? Wait a second. Are you guys trying to get us out of here because the inspector's coming on Friday? What's that, mate? Yeah, the lady next door said that the inspector is coming on Friday. Did she? No, no, no. No. No, no. It's a celebration, isn't it, Mum? That's right. That's the reason. And the reason we're celebrating is... we're offering you a job. Are we? Me? No, Chantel. Oh, sweet. In reception. You can do your debt collecting on the side. How much is the salary? $500? Let's make it an even grand. Why not? Done. You drive a hard bargain, Chantel. That's awesome. All right, thanks, guys. There we go. (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Michael is going to be peed off. He'll be ropeable. Absolutely ropeable. Mummy, should we unpack? Not yet, darling. (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Get there. MAN ON RADIO: What is the sea that lies between Australia and New Zealand? Coral? The Tasman Sea? Is correct. Well done. (APPLAUSE) And um, this is our reception. (GLASS BREAKS) (TURNS OFF RADIO) No greeting. A subpar start. But a good score in golf, sir. OK. Um, this is Roy, Jocelyn and` Oh, um, it's Chantel, our new receptionist. 'Sup? Hello. This is Inspector Pope, everybody. Oh. Catholic? No. What are you doing? I'm kissing the Pope's hand, sir. That's how we do it in Palmy. We're friendly as a box of puppies here. (PHONE RINGS) Damn tootin'. Hello, Reception. Oh, you again. Well, you better shut your face. Otherwise I'll throw your kids in the tip! - Thanks, John. - (PHONE BEEPS) OK. Um, shall we just go on with the rest of the tour? Yeah, so this is our courtyard/carpark. It's great for families and safe. Very safe. There's one of our residents coming to say hi, there. Nope, he's going for the car. That's my car. He must be going to Owlcatraz. Oi! Cleaned this apartment, Roy? What? Have you cleaned this apartment? I dunno, mate. They all look the same to me. That's why we gave them numbers. Oh. It's a little bit sticky, but we'll have a word to the maintenance department about that. Duly noted. Won't be a moment. (GRUNTS) Bit stuck there. After you, Inspector. Stinks. Lights off, sunshine. As you can see, we pride ourselves on our cleanliness here at the Lonely Hearts. Nothing to see here. No. (INHALES) Oh, bloody hell! This is disgusting. I think it has a lot of spunk. Looks like Waitomo Caves. Move on? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Well I've seen enough. And that was an experience, let me tell you. This place is disgusting. I demand a refund, please. You're not happy with the service? There was a strange man and two dead rats in our unit. This idiot hit one with a hammer. I'd warned the rodent three times, sir. And we haven't been able to get the Wi-Fi. We like to connect with our customers on a more personal level. OK, thanks, Mum. If you just pop back to your unit, and I'll be with you in a minute, make sure you get a full refund, OK? I hope you fail your inspection. I hope your baby has a large head. In the hospitality scene, we work off the four C's ` (DOOR SLAMS) ...customer service, comfort, connectivity and cost. Well, that sounds like us. No, that's not what was on show today. What was on show, then? You treat your guests like they're casual acquaintances. That's a bit harsh. There were bodily fluids on the walls. No, that's art, sir. Creative juices. My car was broken into. Hey, racist. The man's a racist. No. Could be worse. Well, I haven't seen it. So, what are you saying, exactly? To be quite frank, guys, this place is a joke. Yeah? Well, that's not very funny, mister. Shut up Roy. Wandering in here with your face and your... longs! Those four pillars I mentioned earlier are not negotiable, so this motel has... failed. Why did you pause there? For dramatic effect. Hey! Hey! We don't need dramatic effects! No dramatic effects! Calm down. Settle. Sorry. I had a Berocca earlier. It sometimes turns me into a wild animal, mate. Listen, we're just going through a transitional phase. Your brother is an idiot. Hey, he's my half-brother, and you don't get to call him that. This place is a tip. It was a tip when your daddy ran it, and it's a tip now! Hey! I'm closing this motel down. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Please don't do that. We can turn it around. We can make changes. Take $200,000 to turn this place around. Hey! Hey! We don't have 200 grand! 200 grand we don't! Mum? Settle down. Good day. Losers. Great. Well, well done, team (!) There goes dad's legacy. (TYRES SCREECH) (THUMP!) Ooh. Oh. Pretty sure that's your Honda Civic, mate. That's a fail. Definitely. How is the inspector? Not good, Mum. No, no, not great. He's got two broken legs and a fractured skull, so he's probably gonna sue us. And he left a dent in my car. And... now I'm broke. I'm gonna go now, so... goodbye. Michael? Eh? # B, C, D, E, F, G... # What does a millionaire look like? I don't know. It looks like me. Eh? # B, C, D, E, F, G... # We just won the Lotto, mate. Take back everything you ever said about me. Take it back. How much did you win? (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Captions by Able www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018