(UPBEAT MUSIC) Oh my God, Mitch, thank God you're here. I need to tell you something. Look, I don't need any more thrush advice. I got the cream you told me about. I keep it in my handbag all the time. No, I... I don't think that Tama is coming. I haven't actually spoken to him in a couple of weeks. And I should have known he wasn't gonna come, because he only clicked 'interested' on the Facebook event. Lisa, if I knew something about Tama ` something bad ` would you want to know the truth? No. Captions by Able Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018 (CICADAS CHIRP) (LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS) Shannon, do you really think you should be stacking the bananas next to the bleach? Yeah, it makes sense. It's alphabetical. It's just that most, if not all, dairies in New Zealand organise their goods by, like, purpose. People in Crawdon write their lists in alphabetical order, and it works. D-Does it? OK. What the hell? Where's my piece? Oh, page 7, underneath the obituaries. What? Your mum thought your piece was too heavy and too political for front page. It was about the farmer's market. They haven't even printed the whole thing. You exceeded the word count. It's in Jokerman font. Your mum thought it needed cheering up. Anyway, read me my horoscope. Hmm. Pisces, be mindful of your co-worker, as their toxic energy can be contagious. Wow. It's like they know my life. How do they do that? Maybe it's because you write them. I don't write them, the universe does. I'm just a vessel. Oh, mine just says, 'Give Shannon a pay rise'. Classic Leo. - (DOOR ALARM CHIMES) - Classic. Hello. Hi. You guys just passing through, or is Crawdon your final destination? Oh, no, we broke down. Well, you have broken down in a very good place. This is actually New Zealand's best small town ` category 'on the side of a highway'. Subcategory, 'not a state highway'. Yep, parents very proud of that. This is their dairy. It's not mine. I don't own it. I might do one day; hopefully not. I'm a journalist. Well, I'm a graduate ` with honours. Took me four years; I was up in Auckland. Just doing that for a while, but I've just popped back home. It's nice to be here. It's a lovely town; a bit off the grid. Lovely and quiet ` listen to that. Beautiful. Drive you mad, though! This has been fun, but we have to go. Oh, yeah. No, you have to go. When you gotta go, you gotta go. But take me with you! (LAUGHS) Don't let me die here, please. Yeah. Oh my God! Is Tama Dyer from here? Oh,... kinda. (EXCITING MUSIC) COMMENTATOR: Could he be the greatest rugby player of a generation? Unbelievable! I mean, is anyone ever really from anywhere, I guess? My God, he's so bloody hot. I couldn't comment, to be honest. He's my brother. But you're quite white. Yeah, my mum's white. Tama was conceived here by the ice creams. 20 bucks for a photo. What? No, they don't want a photo. Yes! Let's get a photo. Yes, love a photo. OK, let's pretend we're making an All Black! Yeah. Ready? Three, two, one, got it. Oh! (BOTH GIGGLE) - OK, stop... - (BOTH MOAN) (PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) (MOANING CONTINUES) (UPBEAT MUSIC) - (RUGBY COMMENTARY PLAYS ON TV) - I just feel like the Crawdon Chronicle could be so much more. I think we need to get out there and really talk to the people and investigate the underlying issues of our community. Get out of the ruck! Come on, ref! Boo! Boo! Guys, I'm trying to have a meeting here, OK? I've got some big ideas. And they're great ideas, love. But this is the Crawdon Chronicle we're talking about, and we love it just the way it is. Booyah! Come on! (WHOOPS) Dad! Oh, sorry, love, but` We're just celebrating Tama's success, Mitch. When you do something successful, we'll celebrate you. OK, you are a big old arsehole, Leah. (CHUCKLES) Am I? Yeah. I've got a journalism degree with honours. OK? I'm a professional at asking questions and writing them down. What have you done that successful? Yeah, well, I've started learning French. Bonjour. Je m'appelle Leah. That's number one. Thing number two is I've got a part-time job now that you might not know about ` babysitting. That's your part-time job? I'm good with kids now. TV: Dyer running hard. Go, baby bro! Go, baby bro! Whoo-hoo! And also low key, just so you know, I make 10% of everything that he earns. What?! (LAUGHS) They made a deal when they were young. (UPBEAT MUSIC) OK. Well, you should earn your own money ` #feminism. Get out of the way! Straighten up! Come on, Tama, run! Guys, please. We know that he gets a try. Oh, spoiler! Dad, it's not a spoiler if you've already watched it. Surprise ` Bruce Willis was dead all along (!) Bruce Willis died? We should put that in the Chronicle. OK, content is next on the agenda. I really feel like the Chronicle has becoming very Tama-heavy, so I thought maybe this week we could finally publish my opinion piece on why Crawdon needs to start putting numbers on all the letter boxes. Hello? Ooh! Ah! Hi, Dyers. Sorry I'm late. My mail went to Carol's again. That's why. Oh, what are we watching? Oh, last week's game. Hi, Tama. Ooh! Check it out ` we made the cover. Yeah, that's the face. (CHUCKLES) Isn't that great? OK. So, can we talk about the letter boxes now? Sweetheart, you know the feature this week is gonna be Tama and Lisa's engagement. We'd be fools to cover anything else. Yeah. My boy's coming home. Plus, I think it'd be nice for you to do a piece on your brother. He always took a real interest in you. (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) OK, if by 'real interest' you mean he was a complete dickhead. Hey! Hey! Hey! You apologise, please. Sorry, Tama. (SIGHS) He can't hear you. Yeah? Sorry, Tama! It's so gross that he's saying that. Get it out now, cos this weekend is gonna be nothing short of perfect. Oh! Keep it coming! Oh yeah! Tama! Go, Tama! Go, Tama! TV: Tama Dyer again for the try. (UPBEAT MUSIC) (BEER WHOOSHES) Hey, Lisa. Hey, not now, Mitch. Actually, I don't have a clean glass and I'm losing beer by the second. (COUGHS) (SIGHS) Good. How are ya? Good. Good. Good? Yeah, good, mate. Good. Just getting a beer. Good for you, mate. Sorry about that, Martin. It's all foam again. These things are running out quicker and quicker these days. That's fine. I love foam. Oh, hey, say hi to Tama for me. I sure will. Good. OK, are you ready to talk about your relationship with my brother, in depth, for my mother's newspaper? Good, yeah. I can't believe we're gonna be in the Chronicle again. I don't actually have room on my fridge, so... (WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Actually, why don't you talk to some of these guys about Tama? I mean, they can't shut up about him. Yeah. I mean, I guess I was hoping to go a bit more in depth, you know? Yes. Good to put that journalism degree to good use ` four years with honours, so... Aw, come on, Mitch. I've seen you use it. Yeah I should probably get that replaced. A Shiraz, thanks, Lisa. Sure, coming right up, Aussie Dave. Or just 'Dave'. Aussie Dave. How you fitting into Kiwi life? Well, I moved here when I was 6, so probably starting to settle in (!) Sorry? I just can't understand your very thick Australian accent. 'Twang, twang, twang' ` that's all I'm kinda hearing. $4. Thank you, Lisa. So, what brings you to the Crawdon Taproom at 4pm on a Friday? Is this on the record? Completely off the record. I mean, shouldn't you be coaching up the next generation of Tama Dyer's? Ah! We had to cancel the practice. OK, boys, so the captain had to go home early cos his missus has gone into labour ` again. So instead of practice, we're gonna have another chat about how these guys work. (PLAYERS GROAN) Yeah, that's right. Buckle up. It's not actually easy getting respect from a team when they're all dads and you're not, you know? I don't know. No. So, what are you up to? Uh, I'm just writing another article on Tama. Oh, yeah? A bit of a dick, good with a ball. Mm. Yeah, I can't really write that kind of stuff. OK. Yeah. I really liked the article you write about putting a pedestrian crossing outside the old person's home. Yeah, we just keep knocking them down. They break like sparrows. (LAUGHS) They do. I feel like people are aiming for them. Yeah, they slow down when they're old. Yeah. Thank you for reading that. You're welcome. I mostly read it. I didn't read it all. The last bit I skimmed. But I got the gist of it. Thank you, Aussie Dave. (CHUCKLES) Or... Aotearoa New Zealand Dave. Ah... Hmm... Yeah, I mean... I mean,... no. No. Yeah, it's not quite working. (UPBEAT MUSIC) (CICADAS CHIRP) Now, what is your impression of Tama and Lisa? There's a pothole at the end of my driveway. When are you gonna fix it? Oh, no, no, I'm not from the council. Well, you were a waste of my vote then, weren't ya? There's a government conspiracy in this country. About Tama and Lisa? Against mutton! Why we always talking about beef and lamb? Give mutton a chance. The aliens and I made wild, glorious, animalistic love in the ship for days on end. Then they beamed me back down to the farm and they left. But I know they'll be back. They'll be back for another big session of rumpus-pumpus alien big-time` I have a 2016 Toyota Hilux with not many K's on it. Right. I mean, I currently live in my mum and dad's house, but I'd be ready to move out. So I'm prepared to take you out on a date, if my mum gives you the OK. (SHOTGUN CLICKS) Oh, also, if you are... considering me for breeding, um,.. you should probably know I've got a micropenis. You've got a`? I have a micropenis. Micropenis? (CHEERFUL MUSIC) Psst! Derrick? Do you want the DL on Tama and Lisa? Cos let's just say Tama's been playing with more than just rugby balls. (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC) What have you got? Oh, I've got the skinny. But it'll cost ya. How much? How much you got? Um,... I've got two tickets for Monday night's meat raffle? WHISPERS: Done. So...? WHISPERS: Not here. I'll meet you tonight. Where? I'll find you. OK, well, tonight I'm gonna be at the dairy. OK. I'll find you at the dairy. (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC) (SLURPS) (UPBEAT MUSIC) (PEOPLE CHATTER) What up? This is Tama, and this is a beep. (BEEP!) Hey, babe, it's just me again for, like, the 14th time. Please call me back. Just wondering if you're actually coming home this weekend? If you could just let me know... if you got those nudes that I sent you. Uh-huh? (LAUGHS) OK, well, I'll definitely see you Saturday. OK. I love you. No I love you more. OK, fine. (GIGGLES) OK, love you. Bye. Hey, Mitch. Hi. That was just talking to Tama on the telephone. But sorry, I've got to go home now... to take my dog to the vet. You've got a dog? Yup. His name is... Mitch. Which is a weird coincidence. (PHONE CLATTERS) Oh! That'll be him calling back again. That's crazy, that. I'll get that fixed. Oh! I'll just leave it off the hook, cos I'm gonna go. I'll just walk out this way. OK. Have a good night. (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC) What are you up to, Tama? Are you talking to that cutout? (CHUCKLES) No, no. No. Cos it sounded like you were. No. Did it? Yeah, it sounded like you said, 'What are you up to, Tama?' That's so weird. Isn't it? Yeah, weird. I could have sworn. Yeah, could have. Ah, well. Sometimes you get it wrong. Or right. (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) (CRICKETS CHIRP) I think Tama's cheating on Lisa, the little shit. Lisa's a little shit? No, Tama's the little shit for cheating on her. Oh, with rugby? - No, not with rugby, with women! - (BANG!) - Oh, God! (SIGHS) Hi. Were you followed? No, I've been in here the whole time. Why? Were you followed? Oh God! Maybe. Come inside. OK, Derek, thanks for popping in. Help yourself (!) OK, tell me, what have you got? Can I have a nana? Yeah, have a little nana. Things have not been good between Tama and Lisa for a while now, Mitch ` sorry to say. You've got photos? Can I have a Calippo? Yes, please, have a Calippo. Thank you. Do you want one? No, I don't want one. Tama was back a couple of months ago, so I followed him on my car all the way to Timaru, took these babies in the ball pit at McDonald's. You're welcome. Oh my`! Oh my God. Yeah. Her name is Tricia. She's a cheerleader for the Crusaders and two-time Miss Timaru. But the second time, they didn't get any money for the competition, so it was just an Instagram poll. (GASPS) Can I have a Choc Whizz? Sure, take a Choc Whiz. How did you get so close? Well, they don't call me King Surveillance for nothing. (CAMERA CLICKS) King Surveillance. MAN: Oi! You taking photos of my kid?! No. Well, you're a dead man, creepo! Abort mission! I don't think anyone calls you King Surveillance. They do. They, do? Yeah, there's a couple of people. Who? I was out there, and I heard, 'Hey, King Surveillance.' And I turned around, and there was two people and they were, like, waiting for me to turn around. Right. Not sure if it's gonna pick up, but it's all right. Well, I'm gonna head home. OK. Thank you. All good. Adios. Sorry, it's just got very dark out there. You wouldn't mind walking me to my car, would you? I'm quite busy now. I've got a lot of work to do, so... I just` Yeah, I think you'll be just all right. I felt like there was someone out there. OK. See you later, then. Is this automatic? No, it's a slidey. To the... To the right. Oh, yes, got it. Stay safe. (UPBEAT MUSIC) Can I look at your brother's photos? Oh my God, Shannon. No, you can't look at the photos. (UPBEAT MUSIC) Lisa, if I knew something about Tama ` something bad ` would you want to know the truth? No. OK. Wow, Sorry. I definitely thought that was gonna go the other way. Um, are you sure? Yup. Not too late. No, I'm good. OK. Don't you think sometimes the truth is better, even if it hurts? Cos, Lisa, I have these photos I wanna show you. Oh, it's OK. I'm not really a visual person. But, Mitch, I really need your help, OK? Because everybody is expecting him, and I don't really know what to do. Please help me. Please. Please, Mitch. You always know the right thing to do. I didn't do my homework. Lisa just got a really heavy period, and she has to go home. WHISPERS: Thank you. OK, I'll call him. He'll answer me. I've got my name saved in his phone as 'Pizza Hut'. That's a good idea. I'll just... get a drink. (PHONE RINGING TONE) WHISPERS: Tama. Pizza? It's Mitch, you dick. Oh. Where are you? You're supposed to be here. I'm... I'm just... just at the gym. What? Dude, I can literally see you drinking a beer right now. It's happy hour. Look, Mitch, I was gonna come, but I'm just... Cheating on your fiancee? What? No, I was just thinking I could do with a bit of space to think at the moment. You're letting down the whole of Crawdon. Do you know that? Do you even care? Yes, of course I do. That's why I was hoping you could, like, say it was all your fault or something. Oh, OK, Tama, why would I do that? Oh, cos you're my big sister. You're the bigger person. (SIGHS) CHANTS: Tama! Tama! Tama! ALL CHANT: Tama! Tama! Tama! Oh, shoot. Uh, Chris Warner just started a fight with all of six60. I gotta get on this. Laters. Call your fiancee, you dickhead! (PHONE BEEPS) ALL CHANT: Tama! Tama! Tama! Tama! (SIGHS) Tama! Tama! Tama! Right, listen up, everyone. I've got something to say. Quiet, everybody! The broad-shouldered girl has something to say about Tama. OK, stop chanting 'Tama'! Here he comes now! (CHANTING FADES) Oh, nah, nah, nah, it's just Aussie Dave. (ALL GROAN) It's just 'Dave', thanks, Gav. Yeah, that's what I said. Tama's not coming. (ALL GROAN) What? Don't be ridiculous. Is he all right? It's OK. It's OK. We're OK. I mean, he's not God. Yes, he is. OK, if Tama jumped off a bridge, would you all jump off after him? ALL: Yes. Which bridge? ALL CHANT: Tama! Tama! Tama! I can't believe he'd abandon us like this. (CHANTING CONTINUES) OK, it was my fault. (ALL GROAN, MUTTER) I was booking his flights, and I booked them for April instead of August, so... It's my fault, not Tama's. Tama is still great. Boo! OK, that's not very nice. Boo! OK, Dad. Well, I'm really upset. Hey, is that a note from Tama? Uh,... Yeah. Yeah. It's just a... It's a poem that he wrote for Lisa, so it's private. Read it. ALL CHANT: Read it! Read it! Read it! Nah, I think it's just better we keep it between them. Read it. Read it. Read it. You can read it. I don't mind. Read it. Read it. OK, you want me to read the poem? Yeah, read the poem. - OK,... alright. - (CHANTING STOPS) (CHUCKLES) It's called... 'Lisa'. Genius. (CHUCKLES) Lisa. L is for 'love' ` the way I feel about you. I is f-for... 'interesting' ` all the very interesting things that you do. S? Well, that's for 'sexy'. Uh... Ooh, Lisa, you are fine. And A is for... Apples. America. Argentina. ...'All time'. Awesome. All time. I wanna be with you all time. And that's it. Oh, did he do my last name ` Leitzenheimer? No, he did not. Oh. OK. (GENTLE MUSIC) (BAR PATRONS CHATTER) (MESSAGE ALERT DINGS) Ooh, it's Tama! Ooh, it's a dick pic! OK, don't need to see it. I need to be alone. How are these Tama-garitas? Yeah, I mean, there's a little more beer than you might expect. Ooh, yeah, that's all beer. Yeah. Ugh! Thanks. Hey, I'm sorry your parents are taking the news so hard. No I'm actually quite surprised by their calm and collected response. (SOBS) You know, I kinda get the feeling that maybe you're covering for Tama and that he didn't really write that poem. Only cos I very clearly remember arguing with him that acrostic was not a type of guitar. So, did you finish the story on Tama? I did not, no. But I've got a new story on an illegal immigrant whose high school rugby team has an alarming number of teen dads. Oh, wow. Big scoop. That's interesting. It's full on. I mean, if I hear anything, I will let you know, definitely. Thank you. Right, I gotta get out of here. See ya. What are you up to, Tama? I never said that. (CHUCKLES) (CHEERFUL MUSIC) To think you've got a journalism diploma, but you've never made front page. It's a degree, with honours. But, you know, I've got something in there. If you want to write a real front-pager, you should write about me and my boyfriend, Blake. Yeah, I'm not gonna write about you and some guy you met on a 9-11 truther forum, even though it's an surprisingly beautiful story. He sent me this photo of him this week. Ooh! This is all I could download of the image he sent me. But as soon as Crawdon gets broadband, we're gonna be Skyping. Wow. We might have sex. Oh, please don't. Captions by Able Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2018