(HIP-HOP MUSIC) (INDISTINCT CHATTER, PHONES RING) Malo, uso. You all right there? Um, yeah. It... It's my first day here. I'm Detective Va'a. Detective Semu. Oh. Mm. Hey. Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah. And over there is Detective Kingi. I've got a meeting with the chief, but I'm running late. I parked in the disabled parking spot. Should be all right, eh? Don't worry, uce. I'll move your car for you. Yeah? Yeah. You better get in and see the chief. Um, she doesn't tolerate tardiness, if you know what I mean. OK. (CAR KEYS RATTLE) Cool. Thank you. Oh! You got your swipe card on you, uce? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forgot mine at home. My man. Fa, sole. Thank you. I'm Detective Va'a. Where is he? Who? Detective Semu? Detective Semu? Mm. You mean Semu the hardened criminal that I just arrested for arm robbery this morning? You just let him go, didn't you, you dick? How was I supposed to know he was a hardened criminal. Cos I gave you the signal. I went... Keep an eye on the prisoner while I'm on the phone. I thought that... meant hello. It does. It's very versatile. It also means kia ora. Stop being a dick. And that also means keep an eye on the criminal when I'm on the phone. Shall we get after him? OK. What does that mean? Relax. He won't get far without a swipe card. What does that mean? I gave him my swipe card. You dick! Oh, man, My wife's gonna kill me. Ha! Welcome to Mangere, bro. (HIP-HOP MUSIC) # Oh! RAPS: # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # Tell the competition they better not sleep. # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # You better tell the competition they better not sleep, # cos what we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # Detective Va'a. You've been in my division for 20 minutes and already you've aided and abetted a dangerous felon. And he parked in the handicap zone. What?! You parked in a disabled car park? Yeah, sorry. I was in a hurry and there was nowhere else to park. Hand over your badge. Eh? Letting a dangerous criminal go is one thing, but parking in a disabled car park, that's a whole other ball game. We got rules around here. Hand it over. You're joking, right? Do I look like I'm joking? No. Well, I was joking. That was a joke. I don't care that you parked in a disabled car park. In fact, if anything, it tells me that you're the kind of officer that does what it takes to get the job done. That's the kind of officer I need ` someone who gets results. There's only one rule around here. That's that rules are made to be broken. What if we break that rule? You can't break that rule! But you just said rules are made to be broken. What do you think, Detective? Well, yeah. If rules are made to be broken, then I think you can break that rule. So you think you can just come in to my station and break all the rules? Um... Good. You'll go far here, Detective. Get out there and catch some bad guys, eh? (HIP-HOP MUSIC) I'm from Porirua, bro. Ngati Toa represent. Where you from? Um, Epsom. Did you just say Epsom? Yeah, Epsom. There's no brown people in Epsom. Oh! You won lotto. One of them. No. Uh, that's where I grew up. (SCOFFS) You're not in Epsom any more, boy. You're in Mangere. Man-geer. South side hard, boy! Welcome to the jungle, bro. Pay attention. You might learn a few things. We're gonna find your car. Yes! Wait, did you just... do that again? Yeah. OK. What does that mean? That was pretty clear. That means wind down your window. Roll down my`? Wind down your window. If you're gonna find something in Mangere, you gotta use all your senses. You gotta hear the street. Feel the street. Smell it. Smell it. Smell the street. Sell the what? Smell it ` the streets. Oh. (SNIFFS) (FARTS) Oh. That` Ew! That's disgusting! Oh! Ugh! I can taste that on my tongue. Yeah, well, you just learnt a valuable lesson. Rule number one ` farts smell bad no matter where you are, even here. What does that even mean? Ugh. It means you gotta get hard. This place? (EXHALES) This place is rough. Hey, ladies. This place is nice. Yeah, well, obviously not every part of Mangere is rough, Detective Va'a. These gluten-free muffins are amazing. I just got them from that organic store around the corner. What about my car? Lesson number two, Detective Va'a ` patience. And the key to good detective work is good nutrition, always stay hydrated. These are so good. If I don't get the car back before the school pick-up... Oh, relax, relax, relax, relax. OK. I have a solid lead on where to find your car. Can we just go? (SIGHS) Man. # Bring it. Bring it. # Bring the beat. # Come on. # Bring it. Bring it. Bring the beat. Bring it. # Whoo! What's the solid lead, then? Look ahead of you, Detective Va'a. What do you see? A fast food restaurant. And what type of food does that fast food restaurant sell? Fried chicken. And what type of people eat fried chicken? Hold on. Are you saying that because the suspect is a Pacific Islander that he's gonna show up at K-Fry? All roads lead to the bucket, Detective Va'a. Oh, no. You did not just say that. We Pacific Islanders have moved beyond your stereotypes. Do you think Obama had fried chicken when he had meetings at the White House? What does President Obama got to do with this? He was born in Hawaii. That makes him a Polynesian. President Obama could have played on the wing for the Warriors. Oh, no. No. Don't change the subject. Look, you can't accept that a Pacific Islander became the President of the United States, because you're a racist. Nah, I can't be. I am 2/16th Maori. Do you still think that`? That makes you, uh, 14/16th racist. You can't handle the fact that your people have a natural predisposition to the taste of fried chicken. Your people?! Your people... Your... I'll bet you a bucket he shows. Oh, that's dinner sorted. All right. This is Detective Kingi to dispatch. We have the suspect in sight, driving a black people mover. Probably got a terrible case of the munchies, over. What drink do you want? Diet Coke. (REGGAE MUSIC) Semu! (EXCLAIMS) Um... Eh! (CLEARS THROAT) Detective Va'a. I was just moving your car when an emergency came up. You been smoking dope in my car? It's medicinal. Why you gotta bring us all down man? You come to KFC in a stolen car and high as well. That's just embarrassing. I'm sorry, uso. It's not my fault. That guy put me up to it. (CHUCKLES DRILY) Look like you're under arrest, Detective. EXHALES: Far... Cuff him. Where's the key? Oh, come on, guys. Have you got the key? I don't have the key. Hey, hey, hey. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Stop filming! This is a public place. And I have every right to film whatever I want. Give me the phone. No. Give me the phone. No. Give me the phone! Police brutality! Police brutality! Ha, ha, ha, ha. I'll show you brutality! That's brutality! (PHONE SHATTERS) Hey! That was a brand new Samsung. Well, you should have got an IPhone, girlfriend. (LAUGHS) Ha ha (!) Oh yeah? Hey, hey, hey! Whoa! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, not the hair! Ahh! Whoa, she's real strong! Uh, you stay here. I'll be right back, OK? OK. Promise? I promise. Pinkie promise? Pinkie what? (STAMMERS) OK. Just a normal promise? OK. Look, I trust you as a Pacific Islander to do the right thing and stay here, OK? Yeah. Oh. Thank you. My man. Ahh! Ka mate! Ka mate! Ka ora! Get off him! (GRUNTS) God! Calm down. Yeah, girlfriend! Look, can't! You're not helping things. It's OK. Lucky! You're real lucky! Oh! (FUNKY MUSIC) (GROANS) Yeah. Mm. OK. Chief, I know what you're gonna say. (SNIFFS) Are you wearing that manuka kawakawa moisturiser, cos you smell beautiful. I just got a call from a member of the public saying that you broke a little girl's phone. She wasn't that little. Well... So which one of you broke the phone? Bags not. You can't bags not breaking the phone when you were definitely the one that broke the phone. Are you gonna ignore the rules of bags not? Cos you know what? You're not as honourable as I thought you were. Do you know how much it's gonna cost our department to replace their phone? Sorry, Chief. It's just... I get really annoyed when the public film us with their cell phones and then they edit it to make us look bad. I feel your frustration, Detective Kingi, which is why I got you this. All right! Ah, what is it? Body camera. So next time you make an arrest, you're gonna film it, then we're gonna edit it to make us look good. We're gonna fight fire with some more fire. Sweet! All right. For your first assignment, Detective Va'a. Yes. You're going undercover. Undercover? Detective Va'a, this is Officer X. She is currently undercover so I can not tell you her name, cos it may compromise the investigation. Sup, Beatrice? Oh... Oh, shut up, dick. Officer X has already infiltrated the Killer Whale gang and has arranged a rendezvous with one of its members. Your mission is to pretend to be gang prospect. Infiltrate the gang, become one of them, then gather enough evidence to take them down. I'll hand it over to Officer X. Thank you, Chief. Have ever been undercover before, Detective Va'a? Just call me Povi. And, um, no. OK, Detective Va'a, take a seat and pay close attention, all right? Right. Take a good look at me. What do you see? A police officer. And the reason why you see a police officer is because that's what I want you to see. OK? I simply think to myself, 'I am a police officer,' and that's what you see. Right. But you are a police officer. Shut up, dick. I wasn't talking to you. Right. Just say that I wanted to go undercover as... as an apple. OK. All I'd need to do is think to myself... 'I am an apple,' and then I would be the apple. All right? How can you be an apple? I mean, it's physically impossible to be something that small. And if you think like that then (LOUDLY) you will never be an apple. But you. You can be an apple. When go undercover, I go deep into character. Ask me, 'how deep do you go?' Um, how deep do you go? I go so deep that I'm down at the bottom of the ocean swimming through the wreckage of The Titanic. OK. I'm like Adele, (SINGS) rolling in the deee-eee-eee-p. I go so deep into my character, I disappear. I'm a chameleon blending in to the camouflage of the Amazonian jungle. I'm like John Cena. You can't see me! I'm like a ninja hiding in the shadows like 'pow, pow, pow, pow'. I go so deep into my character that I go deep into those places ` down there where it feels so good to go but we can't talk about them in a work environment. Kia ora. Shut up! But I know you know what I'm talking about ` deep... down there. You know the places that I'm talking about, don't you? (STAMMERS) I think so. OK, awesome. (SIGHS) I think that you're ready to go. That's it? You bet your bottom dollar it is. We'll do a little bit of improv when we get there, but otherwise you're set. Just remember ` be the apple. QUIETLY: Be the apple. (FUNKY MUSIC) Testing, testing. One, two, three. (FEEDBACK WHINES) I can hear you. You're right next to me. Walk like a gangster. My pants keep falling down! That's the idea. That's how they walk. How's this? It's good. It's good. What are you doing? This is my gangster walk. That was an elephant walk. Don't do that. Wha`? Oh. Let's just quickly go through what we're going to be doing. What's your name? I'm Detective Povi Va'a. Not your actual name! Your character name, dick. Check it out. Wassup, bo. What's good? It's me, your home girl, Queen Bee. Who are you? I'm Mr Cool. Are you for real? Eh? Do a dance move. What? Right now, just do a dance move, any dance move. Oh, OK. Yep. Um... (HUMS) You're a Bounty bar. A what? A bounty bar! Bounty bar is brown on the outside, white on the inside. You're like Justin Bieber with a spray tan. Is that bad? It's really bad. No one is gonna believe that you're a gangster. Oh. You're gonna blow my cover. What kind of Samoan are you? You thought I could play a good criminal cos I'm Samoan. Quite frankly, that's a stereotype I find offensive. Oh, shut up, man! Come on. I'm aborting this mission. Get outta here. Tell her it's too late. They're already here. (VEHICLE APPROACHES, MUSIC PLAYS) They're coming. They're here. Oh my God. OK. OK. (INHALES, EXHALES QUICKLY) We can do this, all right? Yeah. OK, Mr Cool? Yep. Follow my lead. Yep. I'm gonna take you through how this is gonna go down. Yeah. All you need to do is pass the initiation, OK? Initiation? Yes. I won't have to break the law, will I? (SIGHS) It's a grey area, OK? But it's for the greater good. One small crime stops a bigger crime happening. Yeah? OK, let's do this. Keep it together. Yeah. Keep it together. Going good. (SNIFFLES) Yo. Sup, Queen Bee? Four Stroke. What's good, bo? What's up, Killer? Big Fasi. How's it? Boys, uh, so this is my boy, the young OG, aka the original ga-angster. Hi, Big stoke. Um, uh, Four Stroke. And, uh, Big Fasi. Nice to meet you. Queen Bee tells me you spent a bit of time in Mt Eden. Yeah, a couple of years. We weren't in the zone for the school we wanted, so we moved back to Epsom. Eh? Mt Eden prison, you dick. Uh, uh, I mean, uh... Yeah, nah, I transferred from Mt Eden prison to a more hard-core prison in, uh,... (CLEARS THROAT) Epsom. Ahh. So you wanna be a Killer Whale? Uh, yeah. (LOWERS VOICE) Yeah. Mm-hm. I'll let Big Fasi tell you all about it. K-Dubs formed in '94. Me and Four Stroke over here, only 2 years old, crawling around, swimming the ocean, looking and finding and killing whales. Killing whales! Whoo, whoo, whoo. Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo-hoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! (IMITATES WHALE SONG) Whoo-whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo-ooo. SOFTLY: Whoo. So you wanna swim with us? Uh, swim` Yeah I wanna swim with you. You gots to prove yourself, bo. Let's go. (FUNKY MUSIC) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Yo. Times up, homeboy. What? You wanna be a Killer Whale, you gotta prove yourself. (TENSE MUSIC) You want me to rob the dairy? Nah, I want you to go in there and check if they've completed their census forms (!) Of course I want you to rob the dairy. Hurry up. RT: Testing. One, two, three. Detective Kingi, they gave me a knife. Oh, well. You gotta do what you gotta do. I can't rob this dairy. Yes, you can. Remember, it is for the greater good. Nah, I can't rob this dairy. It's my local. I've known Mr Patel my whole life. ANGRILY: Just get in there and rob that dairy. Dear Lord, forgive me for what I'm about to do. Well, hello, Povi. Um, hi, Mr Patel. You are looking very stylish, my friend. Are you going to a fancy dress party or something? No. Are you looking for something in particular? No. VA'A ON RT: Detective Kingi, I can't do this. Yes, you can. Man up. (STATIC) Fa'a? He's on to me. He's coming over! (MANDARIN CHATTER INTERFERES OVER RT) You want me to hook you up? Pardon? You know, hook you up. If you're too embarrassed to buy this pornographic magazine, you just blink your eyes twice. I'll bring it from the back. I'll even put it in a paper bag. Nobody will ever know. No, I don't want a pornographic magazine. Come on, Detective Va'a. You can do it. Rob the dairy. What do you want, then? Use the knife. Just pretend that you're gonna stab him or something. (STAMMERS) I can't! Are you OK? Come on! Get Polynesian on it, bro! I'm sorry, Mr Patel. (MUSIC PLAYS OVER RT) Are you there? Detective Va'a, are you there? Start the car! Go, go, go! (INDISTINCT POLICE CHATTER) Calm down, Che Fu. What happened? I did it. You did what? My first robbery. I mean, my first robbery to... day. Oooh, ooh. What did you get? Eh. Is that it? Yeah. Oh, it's a start, I guess. It only cost a dollar. Oh, wait. Are you telling me you paid for that? Yea. The whole point of a robbery is to take something without paying any money for it. Yeah. If you pay for something, it's not a robbery. It means you just bought something. Damn it. What now? I think I dropped my wallet in the dairy. (ALL SIGH) So not only did you pay for it, you also left all of your money there as well. And my drivers' license. Oh, oh, oh! Well, aren't you clever (?) Where did you find this guy? To be honest, I don't even know him. He just appeared from nowhere. So am I... am I in? No. OK, um, yeah. What the bloody hell was that? I couldn't do it. You couldn't do a simple robbery? What kind of cop are you? A good cop. MOCKS: A good cop? A good cop gets his hands dirty. You should have lied to them about stealing the gum. I can't lie. Just like Superman couldn't lie, neither can I. You're not Superman. You're super dick! I'm a dick? You heard me. Shut up, ball bags. Whoa. Say that again. Ball bags! Say it again. Ball bags. Say it again. Oh, did you just...? (BOTH ARGUE INDISTINCTLY) Hey, hey. Hey, hey. Look, wait, wait, wait. Let me beat you up. What? I'm sorry, Detective Kingi, but this is for the greater good. (GROANS) Jeez! (CHUCKLES) Oh, hey. I know that guy he just kicked in the nuts. He's a cop. (KINGI GROANS) You just smashed a cop in the nuts, bro. Yeah. So what? Welcome to the Killer Whales. Heh. Can I do the 'whoo'? Whoo. HOWLS: Whoo! ALL HOWL: Whoo. Whoo-hoo! Whoo-whoo! (ALL CONTINUE HOWLING) STRAINED: You just kicked me in the nuts real hard! Look, it had to look legit. And it worked, didn't it? It got me into the Killer Whales. I'm happy for you. Detective Kingi, thank you. Don't mention it. Oh, and sorry. Sorry for what? This. GROANS: Oh! Not again, man. Whoo! KILLER WHALES: Whoo! Copyright Able 2018 # Oh! RAPS: # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # Tell the competition they better not sleep. # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # What we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. # You better tell the competition they better not sleep, # cos what we gonna do? # Gonna bring that heat. #