1 UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC CARA: Oh my God! DAVE: Are you kidding me? I think I'm gonna be sick. Betty thinks you're a moron. They're getting married in 10 days. Like hell they are. I got it! Ireland? For a whole year? Yuss! I'll miss you, babe. We're done here. Oh my God. We're so screwed. I'm getting the money. Cara, we're back in business. CHEERFUL FOLK MUSIC Are these ham and lettuce again? Some children go to school with no lunch. Lucky. Come on. Move it. Move it. You'll be late! Can` Can you drive us? Sure, yeah. Just give` No, no, no. Sun ` shining! Exercise ` good! Let's go. Come on, grab your bag. Yep. Come on. OK, bye. Have a nice day, guys. KIDS: Bye. See ya. Are you going to have a shower? Mm. I'm going back to bed. Do you wanna join me? Ooh, no thanks. Oh. It's OK. You go. Shower. Make it a long one. (CHUCKLES) Yo. The eagle has flown. Let's do this. UPBEAT POP MUSIC Where are you going? I need some undies and a bra. Bedroom's that way. Yeah, but the pile of clean washing is that way. KNOCK ON DOOR What was that? Huh? I didn't hear anything. Oh shit! BAND PLAYS SOFT MUSIC Surprise. (SINGS) What are you doing? I'm gettin' down on one knee. Why? Why are you doing that? It's what you do when you're proposing. So, how about it? Cara Gray, will you marry me? BAND CONTINUES PLAYING I can repeat the question. (LAUGHS) Of course I'll marry you. Hmm. You don't look pregnant. Not for lack of trying. So, here is the offer on your half of the house. Whoa! It's not bad. Pretty good. It's generous as hell. You'll be making a tidy profit. Heya. Sorry I'm late. (GIGGLES) Oh, yeah! Alec and I are together now. You're gay. What can I say? Straight is the new black. (LAUGHS) What about Dylan? Jen, you can't help who you fall in love with. You should know that. Now, you've had a job interview before? Yeah. Let me rephrase. Have you ever had a successful job interview? Hey, look. Damn. What happened to you? Where's Hadlee? Babysitter. You look good. You don't. Liar. I look awesome. If 'douchebag in a necktie' is what you're going for. (CHUCKLES) Arse bucket. Dick string. Knob washer. What? She still wants me. (CHUCKLES) BAND PLAYS SOFT MUSIC Who are those guys? Regulars at the bar. Said they'd do it for a tab on Saturday night. We should get married soon, right? Before I get too old? Not old. Too fat. What? I mean` More pancakes? (CHUCKLES) No thanks. Well, we'll` We'll have to let the kids know. Oh, definitely. I mean, I think it's good to tell people... stuff... as soon as possible. Cool. Great. Well, I can't wait to tell everyone. Same. (CHUCKLES) Are you on crack? What do you wanna get married for, at your age? I have my reasons. Well, it better be good if you're willing to sign your life away to one woman. I'm gonna be a dad. Not just a stepdad. Like, a legit, real-life dad. Cara's pregnant? Pregnant as a pregnant thing. Sweet Jesus. And how is Dylan? Heartbroken. Look, I know he was a prick to me, but if I sell the house to Alec and Bianca-Faye, then he is left owning a house with Alec and Bianca-Faye. Which is sad, but isn't that his problem? (SIGHS) I just wish things didn't have to be so complicated. You didn't mention that she was gonna be here. She didn't mention it to me either. I have news. I want to share it with my favourite sister and my favourite friend. I'm engaged. BOTH: Oh my God. (LAUGHS) Dave organised this big, big surprise this morning. There was a band in my kitchen, and he popped the question. Cara, that is amazing! Yes, that's... wonderful news. I mean, if` if it's what you want and if you think it's going to last. Where's the rock? Oh, we haven't got to that part just yet, so... Who knew Dave was such a big romantic? (LAUGHS) Sorry, mate. We don't serve wankers here. Sharp, eh? Had a job interview. Oi. Did you hear he knocked up the cougar? No shit? She's not a... Sorry, Az. Nah, this is awesome. Me and you, both with kids. Well, except you haven't met yours yet. Well, I will after Betty's wedding's cancelled. They're cancelling the wedding? They will. Then our kids can be mates. BOTH CLICK FINGERS So, how far along is Cara? Dunno, exactly. She didn't say? Not in so many words. She hasn't actually said she's pregnant yet. Then, how do you know she is? OK. One ` found a positive pregnancy test in the wheelie bin. Circumstantial, at best. She went to the doctor's the other day, and when I asked, she said... Women's stuff. Hmm. She's not drinking. I keep offering,... Bubbly? Wine? Beer? ...and she keeps saying,... No, thanks. I'm good, thanks. ...so I figured she's freakin' out. She's already got three kids, she thinks I'm a useless 25-year-old who will run a mile. So I thought, 'How can I show her that I'm up for it? 'I'll propose!' Am I right? Or... you could have just asked her. Yum! Ice cream before dinner! What's the occasion? Who cares? Dave asked me to marry him. And I said yes! LOGAN: Yay! Cool! I hope you and the milksop live happily ever after. Thank you, Scar. Hey! Mum said that you're marrying us! Congratulations, bum-wipe. Thanks, D-bag. (CHUCKLES) You, um, told them our news. I'm kind of excited. I didn't think I wanted to get married again, but this time I'm old enough to know what I'm doing. So, if you've got a couple of hours off, do you wanna take me shopping? What about the kids? Well, the beauty of having big kids is you can leave them at home while you pop out for an engagement ring. 1 Cara? Dave. I know I once said that I don't want a baby. But if you decided that you did, or do, want a baby, I'd be sweet with it. So, um,... just let me know... any time you want. Um,... I'll bear that in mind. MELANCHOLIC MUSIC How's that? Not too tight, is it? Dave. I don't wanna have a baby. I thought you knew that. You want an abortion? I don't wanna get pregnant in the first place. But you are pregnant. What? Um` I'm sorry. We should go` Cara. Hmm? I found the test. The positive test. What are you talking about? It was in the wheelie bin under a pile of pizza boxes. What? There was a positive pregnancy test in our wheelie bin? Well, where did it come from? Well, I thought it came from you. Oh my God. We should go. Shit! Shit. You can take it on appro if you like. Thank you! Why didn't you say anything? I was waiting for you to say something. What? So, you just jumped to the conclusion that I was pregnant? No. There was other evidence. You were feeling sick the day of the YJ thing. I was feeling sick because of the YJ thing. But then you went to the doctors. For a smear test. OK. But ` alcohol. Every time I've been offering you a drink lately, you've been saying no. You asked me if I wanted a drink at 8 o'clock in the morning. Did I? You were testing me. Because there was a pregnancy test in the wheelie bin,... and it wasn't yours. Exactly. Oh crap. Do either of you... know anything... about something that was in the wheelie bin? < Anything at all? < Anyone... < put anything in the wheelie bin last week? You can tell me, and I swear I will not be angry with you. I'm really sorry. Oh God, Jasmine` I've tried to tell you so many times. Oh God` Oh shit! Why are you getting so worked up about ham and lettuce sandwiches? We need to talk` What did you say? I hate ham and lettuce. Is this not about my lunch? She's been ditching her sandwiches before she goes to school for weeks. You've been ditching yours at school! Right, enough. No one likes sandwiches, Mum. We'd prefer a wrap... or sushi. Or to buy lunch from the tuck shop. OK. Yeah, I'll... take that on board. Are we finished here? Cos I've got homework. Wait. (GRUNTS) WHISPERS: Yeah. Ice cream and fizzy drink. This is the best day ever. Yeah. JULIA: My client's in hot demand, to be honest. No` No, I'm not with Helen any more. I've gone out on my own. Julia Deering and Associates. Brilliant. Thanks. Another interview. Here's Betty again. She's stalking me. The hell? (SIGHS) Oh, hi. It's Betty's hen's do. What's she doing hanging out with you? After you seduced me, I went to see Betty to apologise for everything, and we bonded ` over what a bastard you are. Betty, I've made`! Back off, Xandra. I'm not Xandra. I'm Alex again. Come on. Is that why he's all dressed up? He's hooking up with her? No way. Looks like it. He's gone for a cougar. Don't worry about her. She's completely gormless. She'll be bagging me to Betty. We've come this far. I've spent money on you, and time here in this place. Can't just stop a wedding. It's dumb. It's hopeless. And they've ordered catering. What? I hacked into Betty's email. Hacked into? You can do that? They're having skewers and sliders. Focus, Ezra. You need to get Betty alone ` away from Michael. OK? I can help with that, but then it's over to you. Present your case, sell yourself and convince her that you're the only person who can do this job. OK. Hello, sweetheart. Did you have fun at Dave's work? I had three fizzy drinks. Really? Hey... Um... It was neither of the girls. That's good. I know. I was dying there. But then, who would put a pregnancy test in our wheelie bin? All I can think of is... Jen. Right. I mean` Well,... Phil had a vasectomy, but sometimes it doesn't take. But then again, Julia was at our house that day` Hey, you should... get Logan home. Just so you know, he was really excited this morning. Same again, thanks. Uh` No, no. He's had enough. OK, I'll be right back. DOOR CREAKS I'm so sorry. You thought you were gonna be a dad. Doesn't matter. You asked me to marry you because... you thought we were having a baby,... and we're not having a baby, so... we probably need to` Cara,... it's not the only reason. I love you. And you wanna be a dad. That's true, isn't it? It's something we both need to think about. So, in the meantime... it wouldn't be fair to hold you to this. SOFT MELANCHOLIC MUSIC 1 It's just hit you, hasn't it? That legal contract you're about to sign. There is no contract. Eh? Me and Cara, we're, um,... we're not getting married, and we're not having a kid. Sorry, mate. Not a word. He left this morning without saying goodbye. You know, I thought we were over this age-gap thing, but I guess you can't argue with biology. I'm so sorry, babe. 15 years. I guess it was gonna catch up with us one day. Do you wanna do something tonight? Dinner, maybe? (SIGHS) Or a large glass of wine. Oh,... I'm dry at the moment. I can not drink, Cara. I wanna keep a clear head. And the real reason? And also, Phil doesn't like me when I'm` Jen. The pregnancy test in my wheelie bin ` was it yours? What? No. Why would I take a pregnancy test at someone else's place? I don't know. When you wanna know, you wanna know. I found out I was pregnant with Scarlett in the women's toilet at St Lukes mall. Well, it wasn't me. And Phil's had a vasectomy, remember? Yeah, I know. But... you know. You do know that you have two teenage girls living in this house? Ah. I've already eliminated that horrible possibility. Good. So, who then? Well, it's not me, and it's not you. That leaves us with... Julia might be pregnant. What? Well, we think she is, anyway. It's` She's really the only one it could` Are you OK? Course. Wow. That's, uh` You're not OK, are you? Oh, it's just weird, that's all. Jules never wanted children. Well, maybe she's changed her mind. She's not even seeing anyone, is` is she? I mean, who's the father? We're not exactly on speaking terms,... but I know she was sacked for screwing a client, so... Huh. Well, shall we order? CHEERFUL ELECTRONIC MUSIC Julia. Michael. What a surprise. I'll say. Something I should know? No. No, I'm just shopping for a friend. How are you? You all set for your big day? Well, I hope so. It's the day after tomorrow. Wow. Wonderful. So,... Stag do? Nah, I'm not really a stag-do guy. Oh, but you have to have a send-off. What? (SIGHS) Look,... I know for a while you blamed me for your split with Phillip. Michael, I` Look, I behaved badly, and I just want a chance to make up for it, organise a celebration. I dunno. We'll` We'll call it closure. So, how about 5 o'clock tomorrow? Small, civilised, close friends only. SOFT, SAD MUSIC CARA: (CHUCKLES) Here you go. (TRILLS PLAYFULLY) Liam's with Scarlett. I don't think he's dealing with the thought of her going away very well. (CHUCKLES) Gidday. (WHISPERS PLAYFULLY) Tell me honestly and truthfully that you never wanna be a father. Cara` You can't, can you? I gotta get to work. Dave, we've gotta talk about` I don't know. OK? The flowers are for Betty, the toy is for your child, and here is the speech I've prepared for you. Learn it off by heart. Right. I will keep Michael occupied at his party while you win Betty back with your... heartfelt words, your new look... and your new job. I didn't get the job. You got a better one. Head of IT at Julia Deering and Associates. Bullshit. I'll be the best employee you've got. You're the only employee I've got. Oh! You've done so much for me. Well, it's not for you. Michael ruined my life. It's payback time. So don't let me down. Don't let yourself down. Go get your girl. Go get my girl. (CHUCKLES) Come home, Jen. We'll tell my ex-husband and his troll to F off out of our house. PHILLIP: Hello? Hiya. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Love you, you gorgeous thing. So,... you've made a decision? Well, I guess I'm gonna tell Cara that I can't invest the money,... OK. and I'll move back in with Dylan. Well, if that's what you want. Isn't it what you want? You know, you could argue with me. What? You don't have to be such a people-pleaser. Dylan, Cara, me. You know, most people would just say, 'Bugger the lot of you. I'm gonna do what's right for me.' Most people? You mean Julia. Well,... she's a woman of strong opinions. And I'm not? You're kind and sharing. And I'm not her. No. This is finishing, isn't it? It's OK. I understand. Of course you do. I mean, I could bite your head off if you'd rather... No. That's not you. It's not. I'm sorry. SOFT MELANCHOLIC MUSIC Hey. What are you doing now? Do you wanna go shopping? What for? For a big backpack suitable for travelling all the way to Dublin. I don't wanna do the student exchange any more. What? What are you talking about? Scarlett, if this is about Liam` I don't wanna talk about it. No, look. I know it's not easy saying goodbye, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go away. You've worked so hard for this. > It doesn't matter. Look, it might seem like you've met the love of your life, but if you have to compromise, and if it's not perfect, then... then maybe he's, um, not... the love of your life after all. Are you OK, mother? What happened? I should've known I was only gonna be a rebound. Oh, Jen. Hey. (SOBS) Hi! A bottle of bubbly, and a strong cocktail for the groom-to-be. OK. Are you trying to get someone drunk? I won't tell. I'm in for a big one myself. FRIENDS WHOOP It's her send-off. She's leaving us. Got a job working with troubled youth. Another round of Alabama Slammers, Hugo. I'm sure you'll make an excellent role model (!) (CLEARS THROAT) Yes? You're hangin' around with miserable Michael again? What of it? He's a jerk. Do you know who he's marrying? My best mate's girl. Oh, congratulations on your engagement, by the way. Welcome to the family. What? Did I say something? What are you doing here? What are you? Betty! She's not here. She needed last-minute wedding supplies, so I said I'd babysit. You're a psycho. You have nothing to offer her. You're a loser. I am not. You slept with another woman the night after she gave birth. That is inexcusable. Hey` But that other woman was you. And now you've got your cougar. Julia? She's not my cougar. Betty thinks she is. What are you doing? Calling her. Hey! She doesn't want to hear from you. Ever. Good luck. She's blocked your number anyway. ROCK MUSIC Azza! Azza! Knob-lord! Open the door! ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES 1 I can't believe I am back at your house sleeping on your couch. Hey, it's fine. As long as you need. But if you want to go back to the house with Dylan, you should. What about our business? I promised you that I would sell. I don't mind. Sometimes you have to put you first. Truly. Thanks. PHONE DIALS PHONE RINGS, VIBRATES VOICEMAIL: It's Dave. Leave a message. Who are you trying to avoid? Cara. Why? So that she can't tell me it's over. I broke up with Jen. Shit. JULIA: Dave? Another two bottles of that bubbly, thanks. How are you keeping? Fine. I heard through the grapevine that you're, uh,... expecting. Expecting what? You've got to be joking. Thank you. OK! After you. What's she doin' with him? ROCK MUSIC BUILDS Phil. You're coming with me. HEAVY ROCK MUSIC (CACKLES) (LAUGHS) I screwed it up... because of a non-existent baby. Non-existent babies screwed me over too. I got a vasectomy. My wife got mad. My baby exists. I'm a bigger screw-up than the two of you. That could be true. Julia did her best, eh. But, nah. Julia? My Julia? What's she got to do with it? She was trying to help me get my life sorted ` get my girl and kid back. Why? She's a good lady. Bugger it didn't work out. > I'd always gone for the wrong type of woman. Kathy, first wife ` barren as a stone. And then there was you. You're about as warm as this frozen margarita. Julia? Uh-oh. (SIGHS) Excuse me. Yes? Make it quick, please. I'm busy. I know what you're doing. I was just at Azza's with him and Dave. What's he doing there? Getting pretty wasted. But he's meant to be with Betty! That's the whole reason I'm here! She wouldn't see him. Oh, and he just gave up? Pussy. Why are you doing this? Because it's not right. Why should the Michaels of the world get the happy endings? Hi, Phil. Michael. Did you hear my news? Good things come to those that wait. 'Wait'? Is that what you call it? Well, what about Azza? The father of your fiance's baby? I'm the better man for Betty. Oh, like you were for my wife? Oh, we really don't need to be doing this. You busted into a marriage that was working, that had worked for 10 years. It's history now. But you're doing it again! You're ruining someone else's life. Oh, Michael. He's right. Betty loves Azza. You know she does. I think I know what you need. POP MUSIC PLAYS PHONE RINGS Hello? Good morning. It's night-time here. Hello, Marion. I'm just having breakfast in the smallest hotel room in Paris. It's lovely. That's great. Um, Scarlett emailed me yesterday. Um, did she... say anything about the student exchange? Oh, I know she was accepted. Of course she was. She's a star, our girl. She also mentioned wedding bells. Oh, um` Congratulations, Cara. Yeah, um... We're not gonna get married any more. Oh. I think he's back at his old flat. It's a long story. > I've got all morning. Bloody` Bloody thing. PHONE RINGS Yep. Dave. It's Marion. Hey. Hi. What are you doing? (BLOWS FORCEFULLY) Right now? Um` I mean what are you doing, you fool? Eh? I've just talked to Cara. She's very upset. Yeah, well, um... First you're getting married, now you're not getting married. Yeah, well, there's, um` there's a reason for that. Answer me one question. What's wrong with my grandchildren? Sorry? They love you. Well, yeah. I love them too. I know you do. Any idiot can have a baby, Dave. But to love someone else's children as your own ` that takes a very special man. Why do you think I can be here in Paris, that I can be away for all this time? It's because I know my grandchildren are happy and loved by their mother and her partner. Shit. No need for language. Thanks, Marion. Az, I need to` Az? I can't get the bong working. (SOBS) 1 KNOCK ON DOOR JEN: Knock, knock. Thanks. He didn't come home. I'm so sorry, babe. Hey, where are the kids? Still asleep. Nah-uh. Three empty beds. LOGAN: Dave? JASMINE: Hey, bum-wipe. Did you sleep on the floor? What? We snuck out before Mum woke up. She doesn't know we're here. We caught the bus and walked. (GROANS) She'll be worried. Why are you here? Cos you are a D-bag. A goatish dolt. Really dumb. CROAKS: I'm still asleep. No, you're not, knave. Your nightmare is living. Logan heard Mum say you're not getting married any more. Why not, Dave? Jeez. You guys are scarier than Marion. PHONE RINGS It's Mum. GROANS: Cara. They're here. Why would you freak me out like that? Cos you were just sitting at home being tragic with Jen. Cheers, Jas (!) Someone needed to take action. We caught the bus and walked. I'm sorry. Don't be. Cara,... I've got something to say. Right now? What the hell. I don't care who hears. JULIA: Hello? Gosh. The whole famn damily's here. And hangers-on. Why are you here? Come on, Ezra. Let's not keep the girl waiting. You know it's Azza, right? I prefer my version, and I'm gonna need you to clean yourself up. But` My` Move it! Julia, what are you doing? KNOCK ON DOOR PHIL: Hello? LOGAN: Uncle Phil! I thought the boys might be in dire need of caffeine. Some kind of party? Well there might be if we can move it! Come on. I just wanna get this done so I can get home to the skewers and sliders. Betty. What the frig? OK, no. You do not get to come in here and disrupt this wedding` Out of his way. I've done women's stunt-fighting classes and I'm not afraid to use my skills` < Michael's not coming, Betty. But I'm here. It doesn't happen to everyone ` meeting your perfect match. So it's hard to believe that if you do, you can one day forget how lucky it is that the one person came along who gets you. That there's another human whose life is better because you're in it. It's crazy that someone would forget all that, but... people are idiots. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot because I didn't... cherish you. But I promise that if I can have you again, I'll hold you tight. Betty,... don't marry him. Marry me. Right here, right now. We don't have a wedding licence. We'll get one. It takes three days. OK, then. Don't marry me right here, right now, but just` just give me another chance. I'll be the best boyfriend. The best father. I swear it. 'Bout friggin' time, you useless arsehole. CROWD APPLAUDS, CHEERS Can we go somewhere and talk? Shh. Look. Oh. Shit, he's awesome. (CHUCKLES) What have you done with Michael? Oh, he was fine, last I saw him. (EXHALES) Oh shit. (SIGHS) Shit. Shit! Oi. Hey. Just... Just keep it down, eh? Order some pizza if you get hungry. No fighting. Hold on. I'll give you my credit card number. HUGO: Dave. Hand over here? < Dave! And probably the best cricket is test cricket. You'll be watching heaps of test cricket. And one-dayers. (FARTS) What happened? I think you literally bored the crap out of him. (CHUCKLES) I need to accept the offer for the house. Take the money. What about me? We` We're meant to be best friends. You were a prick to me... when all I did was fall in love with you. Best friends forgive each other, Jen. And she did. Time after time. I don't wanna talk about last night again. Ever. You were fantastic. Yeah? Cara. Hmm? Um, I've messaged Bianca-Faye. The money will be in my account in three days' time. Really? We're back in business, babe. Are you sure you want to? I've never been surer. I love you so much. Aw. Dave! Come and meet my kid. Yeah. Julia, I love you too. JULIA: Is she drunk? I'm gonna be better from now on, I promise you. Both of you. Hey, you know, someone told Phillip that I was pregnant. (CHUCKLES) And you're not? God, no. What is it with people and babies around this place? Huh. I once told you that I didn't think you believed in love. But you do. Hardly. Why else would you do what you did for Azza? I did it to Michael. For revenge. It came... from a very vindictive place in my heart. I don't believe you. Prick! Bastard! Arsehole! Hey, Cara. I'm sorry. I was looking for Dave. Not out here. See ya, Whitney. Screw you. Everything OK? Yeah. Nah. Whitney's not that happy with me. Because of Scarlett? Yeah. Liam, um,... you have a lot going on in your life,... Yeah. ...and Scarlett ` she has the whole wide world in front of her. She worked so hard for that student exchange, and at first, I didn't wanna let her go either. But we have to. No offence, but... you don't know your daughter that well, Mrs Gray. I'm sorry? You think Scarlett would turn down the opportunity of a lifetime for a guy? Hasn't she? Well, what other reason could there be? Cara? Cara! Wait! I've got something to` What is it? I thought you were at a party. Sweetie,... the wheelie bin. WHISPERS: It was you. Oh, Scarlett. I have a bit of a problem, Mum. BOTH SOB < At least now we know. Mystery solved. Cara. I love you. And I don't need anything else. I don't need to be a legit, real dad,... because I'm a legit, real stepdad. So marry me. Do you want to marry a... a grandmother? It wasn't what I'd imagined I'd do with my life. At 25 years old. You know how they say you can't choose your family? I can. I do. I choose you. You and Scarlett and Jasmine and... (CHUCKLES) little Logan... and whoever else comes along. I choose all of you. I choose you too. (LAUGHS) SLOW PEACEFUL MUSIC Captions by Alex Walker. Edited by June Yeow. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.