Who are you? Who are you? I'm Anna Kingston. You` You hired me a couple of weeks ago. Who are you? Oh, so I did. Hubby buggered off and left you with no dosh. My generation made our relationships last. You sold anything? You sold anything? I've been working hard to utilise my key connections. You sold anything? Has it occurred to you that real estate might not be your calling? DRIVING ROCK MUSIC Sold. Sold. Sold. Sold. (SIGHS) This is music to my ears, Sandi. Sold. Big Daddy is here. Big Daddy is here. (GROANS) Big Daddy is here. (GROANS) Sold that.... and that... that, that... and... that. (INHALES) God bless immigration. (INHALES) God bless immigration. No. What, seriously? Sheep, not people, are buying in this insane market. Can you believe these suckers? (LAUGHS) What was your top price, Beelzebub? 2.7. 2.7. (PANTS) 2.7. (PANTS) Come on, use your teeth. Use your own teeth ` if they are your own. Use your own teeth ` if they are your own. (GRUNTS) Use your own teeth ` if they are your own. Hey, what time do you call this? Hey, what time do you call this? I was Instagramming. Hey, what time do you call this? I was Instagramming. GONG CRASHES < Dad, what is that? I was Instagramming. < Dad, what is that? < Dad, what is that? It's great, isn't it? It's a bullseye gong. So every time we sell something, we'll bang it. So every time we sell something, we'll bang it. GONG CRASHES So every time we sell You can't be serious. I want that thing on Trade Me before lunchtime. (GROANS STRENUOUSLY) (GROANS STRENUOUSLY) Not on my desk! (CHUCKLES) (GROANS STRENUOUSLY) (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) We need glasses, Bree. (CHUCKLES) We need glasses, Bree. Sorry, couldn't help myself. I am taking you all out for dinner tonight. I mean, you bloody well deserve it. Now, I'd like to propose a toast. CHAMPAGNE FIZZES To Eden Realty. To Eden Realty. OTHERS: Eden Realty. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. (EXHALES) (EXHALES) Hang on, where's Anna? And you just have to learn from it and accept it, grow from it. One door closes, and another` Oh God, no, I just said that. No. (SOBS) Come on. Oh God! Oh God! TYRES SCREECH, GLASS BREAKS ENGINE HISSES INDISTINCT RT CHATTER I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. You weren't texting, were you? I don't know what happened. You weren't texting, were you? No, no, no, no. I wasn't texting. I don't know what happened. I wasn't speeding, either. I would never do that. I was trying to... I was dealing with a major life change. My daughter's just left home, and` It's rooted,... poked. It's not going anywhere. Oh no, but it has to. I have to get to work. I've got a very important job. I'm a real estate agent. # Big, bright morning ` # somewhere else is calling. Somewhere new is waiting. # Happy to be going, # pack my bags and be above the clouds. # Copyright Able 2014 (CHUCKLES) I feel like the queen. Thanks so much. Oh... my... God. I'm, um, so sorry about your car. Bye-bye. Morning, everyone. Sorry I'm late. Morning, Anna. Everything OK? Yes. Yes, yes, fine. Yes. Yes, yes, fine. < We're` We're just celebrating a big weekend. Yes. Yes, yes, fine. Oh, that's` that's nice. What happened? Well, some of us shifted some serious real estate. What did you do? Um... Um... Well, you must have had some open homes. Um... Clint, don't be cruel. She's got no listings. What? None? What? None? Well, uh, technically, um, Clint, no, but I've` I've been working on` What? None? Anna, would you step into my office, please? Look, I'm sorry I don't have any listings. I, um` I promise I'll get on top of it. It's just that I've got quite a` a lot on, and` It's just that I've got quite a` a lot on, and` Anna. Anna. Anna. Anna. Anna. Now, you're a real estate agent. I know. I know. < Now, you need something to sell. I know. I know. So what have you been doing? SOBS: I can explain. SOBS: I can explain. Oh, look, there's` there's no need to cry. SOBS: I can explain. (SNIFFS) No, it's not that. It's just... It's my daughter, Charlie. Oh, pregnant, yeah. Well, that's just not a biggie. I mean, you look great for a grandmother, and if anyone says anything, don't` and if anyone says anything, don't` No, no, no, no. She's not pregnant. She's gone to university in Dunedin. She's gonna be a doctor. (SOBS) This is the happiest day of my life. Well, that's great news, isn't it? How about a happy face? Well, that's great news, isn't it? How about a happy face? (SOBS) And I got my car towed. I pranged it. So now I've got no car and only one child. Look, I feel for you. I` I really do. But there's a bigger problem here. I know. I know. I know. I'm letting the side down. I know that, but I try. I really really try. And I` I know I'm late a lot, and I don't sell that many houses, and` And I` I know I'm late a lot, and I don't sell that many houses, and` None. You sell none. Look, Anna, I'm` I know you try, but there... there comes a point when reality has to be faced. Please don't fire me. Please don't fire me. I'm gonna have to reconsider your role. Please don't fire me. job I've ever had. But this is the best job I've ever had. But this is the best job I've ever had. It's the only job you've ever had. But this is the best Like I said. you go out there and try and lift your game a wee bit, and, um,... I'll have a little think about your future. See you at dinner tonight, Kingston? See you at dinner tonight, Kingston? Um, oh, I` I don't think so. I can't really afford dinner. See you at dinner tonight, Kingston? Ebenezer only does this about once every decade, so I'd make sure you're there. OK. DOOR CLOSES, PHONE RINGS I` I` Hello. Eden Realty. I wanna buy a house. What exactly are you looking for, Mr, um...? Oh, Grant. Oh, Grant. Mr Grant. Oh, Grant. Mr Grant. No, no, that's my name. TYRES SCREECH TYRES SCREECH Oh, you know, lots of bedrooms, TYRES SCREECH for the boat and the Lambo. double garaging, plenty of room for the boat and the Lambo. Oh! So you're looking for a premium property, then. Yeah, nothing but the best. Bring it on, Tits. (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) Eh? > I'll just get the key. This, uh, technically isn't my listing. I should really just call the agent, but... Oh, I wonder where Leon's put it. Well,... that won't slow us down, will it, eh? (CHUCKLES) Nope. (CHUCKLES) Nope. BOTH CHUCKLE Um, excuse me. Uh, wait a` Ooh, just hold on one minute. Um,... um, uh, excuse me, Mr Grant. There's another lovely house I could take you to. It's quite close to here. It's got a lovely big pool. It's got a lovely big pool. May as well have a look now we're here. Um, I` I really don't think that we should be` Um, I` I really don't think that we should be` Time is of the essence, Tits. Uh,... oh, jingo. (YELLS INDISTINCTLY) (YELLS INDISTINCTLY) TOILET FLUSHES (YELLS INDISTINCTLY) TOILET FLUSHES Jesus! God's sake, could've closed the lid. God's sake, could've closed the lid. (GRUNTS) God's sake, could've closed the lid. (GRUNTS) Come on, hurry up. God's sake, could've closed the lid. Oh! God's sake, could've closed the lid. Oh! GRUNTS: Got you. BOTH GRUNT BOTH PANT (GRUNTS) You're still numbing sensitive teeth? It's the way. There's a better way. Colgate Sensitive Pro-Relief actually helps repair the openings to exposed nerves. That's, uh...that's... A better way. (GROANS) Ohh! VOICEOVER: Colgate Sensitive Pro-Relief. * Um, look, I'm` I'm` I'm not really sure about this. Yeah, neither am I, now that I've seen it. Check it out ` waterbed. (GRUNTS) Yeah, don't like 'em, myself. I like to get my own rhythm going. Know what I'm saying? (GROANS) (GROANS) (GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY) Grant, would you like me to show you some other properties? I have some. You ever made love on a waterbed, Anna? You ever made love on a waterbed, Anna? Me? No. (GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY) (GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY) Oh, I hate the water. I get seasick. Oh no. Oh no. Well, well, well. Oh no. Put it back. Put it back. Check it out. Put it back. Put it back. Put it back. VIBRATOR BUZZES Put it back. VIBRATOR BUZZES (CHUCKLES) No, put it back. Put... VIBRATOR BUZZES No, put it back. Put... No, put it back. Put... Ooh, you naughty thing. Oh! (CHUCKLES) No, put it back. Put... Come on in. This is your atrium to welcome guests. There's nothing` Oh my God, people are coming. It'll be an agent with clients. I could lose my licence. I could lose my licence. Great. I could lose my licence. Great. Oh! Won't see what you're doing. (CHUCKLES) Won't see what you're doing. (CHUCKLES) Shh, shh, shh, shh. Iceberg master bedroom. En suite. Iceberg master bedroom. En suite. VIBRATOR CONTINUES BUZZING Iceberg master bedroom. En suite. VIBRATOR CONTINUES BUZZING Plenty of wardrobe space ` Iceberg master bedroom. En suite. VIBRATOR CONTINUES BUZZING fit for a... (CHUCKLES) king. What's that buzzing sound? What's that buzzing sound? Mmmmmosquito catcher. VIBRATOR BUZZES VIBRATOR BUZZES < But the piece de resistance... VIBRATOR BUZZES VIBRATOR BUZZES ...is the dining room. Turn it off now. ...is the dining room. You've never seen natural light like it. Have a look at` Uh, no, no, no, no, no. (CHUCKLES) The... owners are... religious,... VIBRATOR CONTINUES BUZZING VIBRATOR CONTINUES BUZZING ...and I have promised to respect their wishes. What kind of religion has a thing about wardrobes? What kind of religion has a thing about wardrobes? What? Ah. They're a cult, actually. Ponsonby-based, yeah, yeah. Anyway, round to your left, if you just pop round... VIBRATOR BUZZES VIBRATOR BUZZES Good God. Mr Grant, I wouldn't mind going back to the office. Mr Grant, I wouldn't mind going back to the office. Why? We've just begun. Mr Grant, I wouldn't mind I just want to get in contact with my colleagues and make sure that this occurrence never happens again. and make sure that this occurrence never happens again. Bit of competition? Oh no, no, no. never happens again. Oh no, no, no. What's wrong with that? Oh no, no, no. What's wrong with that? No, no, nothing. I just want to speak to` What's wrong with that? I just want to speak to` You want the sale, don't you? You want the moolah? < Yes. < Yes. Yeah? You lose me, you lose a big chunk of two mil. < Yes. < Yes. MAN: Watch where you're going, you rich prick! Oi! (HONKS HORN) MAN: Watch where you're going, you rich prick! PANTS: Wow, $2 million? PANTS: Wow, $2 million? That's if you find something I like. But if you're busy... PANTS: Wow, $2 million? No, no, no. No, no. No, no, absolutely not. Just, um, keep driving. Boy, have I got the property for you. Oh, now, this place is more like it. Look, the living room has such great flow. Poor bastard. You know what he's in for, don't you? What? What? I mean, look at it ` it's a fat chick hiding in a bride's body. I think she looks lovely. I think she looks lovely. I mean, it always starts so well, doesn't it? Why doesn't someone just stand up with a megaphone and scream, 'Run, mate! Run for your life!' A fridge will tell you everything you need to know about a marriage. Will it? Will it? BOTTLES CLINK Will it? BOTTLES CLINK (SIGHS) She's controlling what he eats. I mean, what sort of self-respecting person eats this? It's hummus. It's hummus. He's doomed. I mean, to force a man to eat that... Grant, no, I` I really don't think you should be eating their food. Have they got a pool? Have they got a pool? Um, yes, there's a lovely one, uh, inset out back. Have they got a pool? Uh, no. I` I have an appointment at 1 o'clock, and I really can't` Uh, no. I` I have an appointment at 1 o'clock, and I really can't` Come on. (HYPERVENTILATES) Whoo! I always feel like a million bucks after I've been in the water, eh, don't you? Eh? > Whoo-hoo! (LAUGHS) Oh, come on. (HONKS HORN) Move! 'Baby on board'. Like I care. Don't you just want to ram them off the road? Hey, just cos you think your baby's so special...! MOTOR REVS, CAR HORN WAILS Oh! Grant, can you please pull over? Grant, can you please pull over? What's the problem? You sell houses. I wanna buy one. No. Could you`? Could you just pull over now? No. Could you`? Could you just pull over now? Come on, look. One more, eh? No. Could you`? Could We're really close. Come on, Ti` CAR HORN HONKS CAR HORN HONKS Ugh, you again! Hey? Hey? < CAR HORN CONTINUES HONKING My wife drives like you ` all over the road like a mad woman's breakfast. You know there's a number? I should call in... You know there's a number? I should call in... Are you insane? You know there's a number? ...for your hazardous driving. You're all over the bloody road. You know why women shouldn't drive? Cos there's no roads between a kitchen and a laundry. Bugger off. They live in tiny cages, and they die in misery. Chickens are my friends, and I love them. I am not eating them. Did you know about this? Did you know about this? No, no. Know what? Apparently, Bella's a vegetarian. Apparently, Bella's a vegetarian. (CHUCKLES) No, I didn't know. (CHUCKLES) Hardly surprising. (CHUCKLES) Hardly surprising. And pigs. They're in cages too. (CHUCKLES) Hardly surprising. And pigs. They're in cages too. Not cows, though. Mum can have my carcass. And pigs. They're in cages too. Mum can have my carcass. Mum can have my carcass. Oh, it's all right, honey. I don't need dinner. I'm going out. Out? On a date? Out? On a date? No. No, no, no, it's a work thing to celebrate how well we've been doing. Out? On a date? We sold... (INHALES) 10 houses this weekend. Well, that's handy, because we do have some bills. Medical school, it's not cheap. If Daniel hadn't stepped in, well... Oh, I know. It was so, so kind of him, wasn't it (!) Superhero Daniel daddy, eh (?) Super daddy (!) Super Daniel (!) You're not going out for dinner dressed like that, are you? Ready... now. < CAR HORN HONKS < CAR HORN HONKS Oh shit. Ooh, are you going out? Ooh, are you going out? Just a meeting. Ooh, are you going out? Just a meeting. Who are you going with? Just Gabriel. Just a meeting. Just Gabriel. Can I come with you? Just Gabriel. Can I come with you? Uh, we can't wait. Just Gabriel. No, no, no, I'm ready now. Uh, who is Gabrielle? Have I met her? (LAUGHS) Oh, I just assumed that you were a girl, with a name like Gabriel. (CHUCKLES) Well, I guess you have the... the hair. Well, I guess you have the... the hair. Oh my God. This your car? Oh, well, Mum actually puts in the fuel, cos technically, it's hers. She owns it, but I drive it. Oh, so it's your Mum's car. Oh, so it's your Mum's car. Uh, what are you gonna do about your car? Oh, so it's your Mum's car. I'm going to get a new one when I've got some money, which won't be long. Anna, there you are. Anna, there you are. (LAUGHS) Anna, there you are. (LAUGHS) You look lovely. Anna, there you are. Oh, sorry I'm late. I` I don't have a car at the moment, and... so I had to get a, um... (CHUCKLES) a child vegan to drop me off. Don't need to hear it. You're always late for the same reason. Actually, the reason I'm late is that I've got a, um... (CLEARS THROAT) I've got a very keen buyer. Well, that's one way of describing him. A buyer ` now, that's what I like to hear. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. You know, Anna, this is good, cos I've` I've been thinking about your role and what you bring to the agency, and I reckon your real strength is with the buyers. and I reckon your real strength is with the buyers. I agree. I've seen it first-hand. You've got a lovely vibe with them. You've got a lovely vibe with them. Lovely big vibe. Oh, I absolutely hear you, Clint. I mean, I just... I don't know, I just love people. Yeah, you're warm. People respond to that. They won't when they're seeing properties on foot. How can she represent Eden Realty if she hasn't got a car? How can she represent Eden Realty if she hasn't got a car? Oh, put a sock in it, will you? This is the gratitude I get for hosting your DNA for nine months. This is the gratitude I get for hosting your DNA for nine months. Love you too, Mum. Like I was saying, don't you worry about listings, Anna. You just focus on the buyers... and be our dedicated buyers' agent. I will. Thank you. Thank you, Clint. * Let me go and sort this out. Let me go and sort this out. (SIGHS) Excuse me, the ladies' room's calling. Let me go and sort this out. Let me go and sort this out. I might come too and nick some of those little towels. Sure they'll let you in? I might come too and nick some of those little towels. Sure they'll let you in? CHUCKLES: Sorry! So, got yourself a cosy little niche there, Kingston ` buyers' agent. So, got yourself a cosy little niche there, Kingston ` buyers' agent. Yes, it's good, isn't it? Well, for a mousy, passive-aggressive little people-pleaser like yourself with no hope of a decent income, sure. What does it...? What does it actually mean? Oh, basically, you look after the losers. You know, the ones who just, uh,... (DOPEY VOICE) keep on missing out. Aw. Yeah, no one gives a shit about them, but they gotta live somewhere, so... you funnel them to us, we flick them a listing, and you make a few crumbs on commission. Oh. Oh. The money is in selling, Kingston. Oh. The money is in selling, Kingston. Well, I'll be selling. Oh. Oh. (CHUCKLES) Other people's listings. All you'll get is crumbs. I don't want the crumbs. And, um,... as you won't be raking in the moolah, it might pay to keep Clint happy in other ways. What do you mean? What do you mean? Oh, come on. Just lick the royal sausage. He'll never fire you. WHISPERS: Leon! WHISPERS: Leon! (GRUNTS) What do you reckon, Anna? Where to next? It's been quite a long day,... Clint. Clint. Really? Clint. Really? Yeah. Clint. Can't convince you to come for a nightcap? No, no. I'm quite tired. I think I might just go home to sleep. ELECTRO MUSIC PLAYS MUSIC CONTINUES 1 1 MUSIC BREAKS DOWN This is like getting bootylicious in a rest home. I'm out. (CHUCKLES) Oh well, I'd better get going too. But... Wait, we` we can share a cab. Oh, no, no, no, I've got taxi money. Thanks, Clint. I've got` I've got` Excuse me. I've got $45 for my car. Hang on to that. This can be on the company. Come on. Um,... Um,... Come on. Come on. Um,... Come on. Come on. ...OK. Here we are, then ` your house. Thank you, Clint, for a lovely evening. And, um,... I'm` I'm so honoured ` my new role as buyers' agent. I'm gonna perform so well for you. In my official duties. I'm gonna... justify your faith in me. Well, I do have faith in you, Anna. So, um, did Charlie get to Dunedin OK? Oh yes. Yes, yes, yes. Safe and sound. I want her to be a, um` a paediatrician or a, um, e-ear, nose and throat surgeon ` the one that earns all the money. CHUCKLES: At the rate I'm going, she'll have to take care of me in my old age, won't she? You're gonna be fine, Anna. You're gonna be fine, Anna. Am I? You're gonna be fine, Anna. Am I? Yeah. This is a whole new chapter. Buyers' agent ` a new chance to excel. (CHUCKLES) Oh well, better go inside my house. Right. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Yeah. Sweet dreams. Night-night. Night-night. Yeah. So, did the teenager you trapped in your Botox net give you a good run for your money? I was more than satisfied. And were the, uh, Ingham twins fun? And were the, uh, Ingham twins fun? We didn't sleep a wink. Mm. I'm sure now the alcohol's wearing off, they're both bathing in self-loathing as we speak. You missed the coffee run. We didn't know how late you would be, so... You missed the coffee run. We didn't know how late you would be, so... Feeling a bit shabby, Kingston? You missed the coffee run. We didn't know how late you would be, so... No. No, no, not me. Raring to go. Anna,... in here a moment. Hey, Kingston. (GULPS RHYTHMICALLY) Aha! Aha! (SCREAMS) Clint. Aha! Clint, um, I` I` I can't see. That's the idea. That's the idea. Oh. You're gonna get a lot of pleasure out of this. Clint, I don't... I don't think this is a good idea. Clint, I don't... I don't think this is a good idea. I don't want you to say no. Clint, I don't... I don't Well, I... Um,... maybe could we go back? Ta-da! Ta-da! Oh! My` My` My face! It's great, isn't it? Ta-da! It's great, isn't it? It's great, isn't it? (LAUGHS) It's great, isn't it? (LAUGHS) You'll be really visible in this. It's great, isn't it? (LAUGHS) Clint, I don't know what to say. Oh, just say you'll do a good job. Oh, just say you'll do a good job. I'll do a cracking good job. Thank you. Oh, just say you'll do a good job. See? I told you they weren't shagging. See? I told you they weren't shagging. Why would you think that? See? I told you they I said that. Sandi said, 'I bet he's giving her one,' and I said, well, she should haul her mind out of the gutter. and I said, well, she should haul her mind out of the gutter. Yeah, well, quite right. and I said, well, she should haul her mind out of the gutter. Yeah? Yeah? How does that feel? Yeah? How does that feel? Oh! Yeah? CAR HORN HONKS Yeah? CAR HORN HONKS Get back to work. What do you think you're playin' at, mate? This is a private car park. No, I'm not having pissy big-shot wankers driving in here, being free with my premises. Clint, this` this is one of my buyers. Well, no, my premium buyer. Mr Grant, this is Clint. Clin` How are ya? How are ya? Oh, morning. Morning, Grant. Uh, look, feel free to use Eden How are ya? Uh, look, feel free to use Eden Realty's car park whenever you like. Uh, look, feel free to use Eden Realty's car park whenever you like. Hi, Grant. I'm Sandi. Oh, yes, I bet you are. Oh, yes, I bet you are. Mm. Oh, yes, I bet you are. Mm. Oh, wait, I recognise you. Oh, yes, I bet you are. Mm. You're from the open home, yeah. Mm. Mm. Do you feel lucky, Grant? It's your lucky day. Mm. Always feeling lucky. Mm. Always feeling lucky. Yes, I feel lucky too. OK, everybody, um, back to work. Bree, you remember my messages. Uh, Sandi, Leon, I'll run your stock through my database and, uh, see if there's any interest. OK, everyone, let's sell some houses. That's the story. That's the story. Right on it. Let's go. That's the story. Right on it. Let's go. Oh no, Mr Grant. That's the story. Right on it. Let's go. LAID-BACK GUITAR MUSIC I'm driving today. Come on. Get in. ENGINE REVS ENGINE REVS Whoa! OK. Ah. ENGINE REVS ENGINE REVS Whoa, whoa, watch my bloody car. Jesus. ENGINE REVS Straighten up. Straighten up. Oh! Straighten up. Oh! TYRES SCREECH Wh` Whoa! Whoa! Wh` Whoa! Whoa! No, that'll do. That'll do. Go forward now. Straighten up. Wh` Whoa! Whoa! (CHUCKLES) Wh` Whoa! Whoa! (CHUCKLES) CAR HORN HONKS # Big, bright morning ` # somewhere else is calling. Somewhere new is waiting. # Happy to be going, # pack my bags and be above the clouds. # # Above the clouds. Copyright Able 2014