* BELL RINGS WHISTLE BLOWS PLAYS THE BLUES Dohh! SCREAMS Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2018 Stupid junk mail. Yeah. Win this. I'll see that he gets it. How dumb do they think I am? Huh?! A cheque! GASPS One million dollars. I'm rich! SHUDDERS Mr Simpson, this cheque is nonnegotiable. Oh, yeah? What makes you so damn sure? See where it says 'void, void, void. 'This is not a cheque. Cash value 1/20th of a cent.' Shut up. I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get $1 million something queers the deal. I don't think real checks have exclamation points. We got a free sample of Reading Digest. I never read a magazine in my life and I'm not going to start now. Hey, a cartoon! Ain't it the truth? It's not the truth. It's well-documented that women are safer drivers than men. Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh. Put down your reading. It's lunch time. You go ahead. You get one of them stomach staples? As Tolstoy said 'Give me learning, sir and you may keep your black bread.' Who is that bookworm? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description specifies an illiterate. Announcer: We now return to Troy McClure and Delores Montenegro in Preacher With A Shovel. Marge, look at them staring at that idiot box. God forbid they would ever read something and improve their minds. You've taken a shine to that magazine. It's not just one magazine. They take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket. GRUNTS God..! Those kids don't know what they're missing. Dad! Hey, what gives, man? We're going to sit and listen to an inspiring story of wilderness survival. 'Then I heard the sound 'that all arctic explorers dread-- the pitiless bark of the sea lion.' He'll be killed! He obviously got out alive if he wrote the article. Don't be so... oh, you're right. Homey, put down your magazine for a minute. Huh? Mmm, I thought you might want to snuggle. That reminds me. 'Seven ways to spice up your marriage.' Marge, 'You have a nice body 'and if you'd like to see me in a costume you have only to ask.' Thank you, Homey. Wow! Little meat loaf men! Where did you get this idea? Where do you think? This baby never steers you wrong, and it was free! It has enriched our lives. Wow. 'Win a trip to Washington, DC. 'All expenses paid. VIP tour.' Oh, it's for kids. Wait, Dad! Hmm... an essay contest. Children under 12, 300 words... fiercely pro-American. Sounds interesting. Bart, maybe you'd like to do this too. It's a nice thought but we both know this is the pony to bet on. What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today? He'd say, uh... think of a better opening. How's it going, honey? Not very well. When I got stuck like this, I'd go for a bike ride. Do kids go on bike rides any more? Yes! I thought maybe bikes weren't cool any more. Do kids still use that word 'cool'? Yes, Mom! OK, America, inspire me. Wow, a bald eagle. Hmm... Thanks for driving me to the contest. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine. 'So burn the flag if you must, but before you do 'you better burn a few other things. 'You better burn your shirt and your pants. 'Be sure to burn your TV and car. 'Don't forget to burn your house because none of those things 'could exist without six white stripes 'seven red stripes and a hell of a lot of stars.' Thank you very much. Yeah! Damn right! CHEERS 'Recipe for a free country: 'mix one cup liberty with three teaspoons of justice. 'Add one informed electorate. 'Baste well with veto power.' 'My back is spineless. 'My belly is yellow. 'I am the American nonvoter.' 'Stir in two cups of checks. 'Sprinkle liberally with balances.' 'Ding, dong. 'The sounds of the liberty bell. 'Ding-- freedom. 'Dong-- opportunity. 'Ding-- excellent schools. 'Dong-- quality hospitals.' 'When America was born on that hot July day in 1776 'the trees in Springfield Forest were tiny saplings 'trembling towards the sun. 'As they were nourished by mother earth 'so too did our fledgling nation find strength 'in the simple ideals of equality and justice. 'Who would have thought such mighty oaks 'or such a powerful nation could grow 'out of something so fragile, so pure.' AUDIENCE APPLAUDS What do you think? It's a little too good for an eight-year-old. Methinks I detect the sickly scent of the daddy. Mr Simpson, I'd like to ask you about your daughter's essay. Lisa, excuse us. OK. 'We the purple'? What the hell was that? Are you a professional writer? Hmm-mm. Are you interested in politics? Mmm. Are you interested in anything? Mmm. Could you touch your nose for me? Hmm. Lisa, after meeting your father I've decided to award you an additional five points. Congratulations. You and your family are going to Washington. Whoo-hoo! Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off? VOICEOVER: Allergies can hold you back. Break through hayfever allergies with Telfast 5-in-1 multi-benefit relief. It works fast, relief last 24 hours and it's non-drowsy. Break through hayfever allergies with Telfast. Domino's Pizza is now Domino's. While we still do great value pizzas, we also offer amazing choice. Our authentic New Yorker range, chicken sides, desserts, and hand-crafted thick shakes are totally irresistible. Taste what's different at Domino's. * DINGS Sir, can I get you something? Playing cards, note pad, aspirin sewing kit, pilot's wing pin propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask and anything I've got coming to me. I'll see. Hm... hmph. LAUGHS Hmph. LAUGHS Steward! I bet you'd like to visit the cockpit. Ooh-ooh, baby! This control stick is like handlebars on your tricycle. Want to see where we hang our coats? No, I'd rather push this button. Oops! No! SCREAMS We're all going to die! PASSENGERS SCREAM Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do. Taxi! Oh, look, Homer, the IRS. Boo! Oh, boo yourself. Marge: Here we are, kids. The Watergate! HUMS CHUCKLES SOFTLY Hey! LAUGHS Marge: Homer, look! They give you a shower cap and body gel and bathrobes. And a welcoming mint on your pillow. Wow, a shoe horn. Just like in the movies. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off, shoe goes on, shoe goes off. Shoe goes on, shoe goes off. I call first bedsies. There's no such thing as first bedsies. You made that up. OK, which one do you want? I... want... that one. Really? You want THAT one? It's all yours. What's wrong with it? Nothing. Have a good night's sleep. No. What? What did you do to it? Nothing. Mom! PHONE RINGS D-ohhh! Stupid welcoming mint! Hello? Bart: Good morning, this is your wake-up call. Wake-up call? It's 2:00 am. Sorry, fatso. LAUGHS Homer: Free food? Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley-- patriotism editor of Reading Digest. I love your magazine. My favourite section is 'How to increase your word power.' It's really, really, really... good. Lisa, I'd like you to meet some other finalists. This is Trong Van Dinh and Maria Dominguez. Hello. Hello. Maria is the national spelling bee champion. Trong has won both the Westinghouse talent search and the NFL punt, pass and kick competition. Have you run into any problems because of your superior ability? Sure, I guess. Oh, me too. These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places other tourists never see. What does the 'I' mean? Important. How about the 'V'? Very. Miss, just one more question. Person. What does the 'I' stand for again? Oh! 'On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games.' Yeah, right. Wow, the President's bathroom. Do you mind? Barbara Bush! Oh, you have those damn badges. OK. This tub was installed in 1894... Mmm-- money. Ahhh. Hey, watch it, chief. Folks, we print more than 18,000,000 bills a day. Oh, and in case you were wondering no, we don't give out free samples. Lousy, cheap country. IMITATES A MACHINE GUN Bart, get out of The Spirit of St Louis! IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE CHUCKLES Hey, what's so funny? WHISPERS Oh, Marge, grow up! Man: Congressman this is Springfield National Forest. Basically, what we want to do is cut her down. You can see it's full of old growth, just aging and festering away. In comes our logging company to thin out the clutter. It's all part of nature's cycle. Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist and I'd like to give you a permit but this isn't like burying toxic waste. People will notice those trees are gone. Congressman, this is where it gets awkward. I never quite know how to put this. I just want to... Offer me a bribe? LAUGHS INTERCOM BUZZES What is it? It's that girl from Springfield who wrote the essay. Could be a good photo-op. Sure, fine. Where do we..? I've got a little place that I use for these matters. Call me tonight. Well, you must be Lisa Simpson. Hello, sir. Lisa, you're a doer, and maybe someday you'll be a congressman or a senator. We have quite a few women senators. Only two. CHUCKLES You're a sharp one. How about some pictures. Tot shot always plays in the sticks. Oh, isn't that nice? There's a politician who cares. If I ever vote, it will be for him. BURPS Mom? Lisa, the contest isn't for three hours. I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe memorial? Who's that? An early crusader for women's rights. She led the floor mop rebellion of 1910. She appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece. SNORES OK, but you don't know what you're missing. Oh. 'I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labour laws.' Amen, sister. I told you no one ever came here. Bob, where do we stand on Springfield Forest? Do I get my logging permit? Let me put it this way, Jerry. Timber! BOTH LAUGH What a pooch. Woof-woof! SOBS * How could I read my essay now? I don't believe my own words. Honest Abe-- he'll show me the way. Mr Lincoln... Mr Lincoln, I need your advice. How can I make this a better country? Is this a good time to buy a house? My boy won't brush properly. Should I wear a moustache? I tried using turpentine, but that just made it worse. PEOPLE BABBLE SHOUTS: Mr Lincoln my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem! Mr Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson and I have a problem. I know your problem. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. Sorry, sir. It's just... no one comes to see me. I don't blame them. I never did anything important-- just the Declaration of Independence the Louisiana purchase, the dumbwaiter... I caught you at a bad time. Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely. VOICES MUTTER Both: Ha, ha, ha, ha! The truth must be told. BART MOANS Rudy, my man, you're a miracle worker. Your laundry, sir. There you go. Buy yourself something nice. Thank you. Bart, are you ready to go to..? SCREAMS I'll room service you! Before you kill me, remember, this trip is all expenses paid. BOTH CHUCKLE # The deficit rag # oh, yeah, the deficit rag # those budget gaps can be a 12-digit drag # I'm telling you # that's the deficit # they really made a mess of it # that's the deficit rag. # Oh, this guy is awful. I know, honey, but just sit still. Welcome, everyone, to the awards luncheon. I'd like to introduce our distinguished judges who will select our scholarship winner. Former Redskins great, Alonzo Flowers perennial third party candidate, Wilson Defarge Senate page, Brad Fletcher skin care consultant, Rowena and wealthy gadabout, Chilton Gaines. Our first essayist will be Lisa Simpson. Lisa? Lisa? AUDIENCE GASPS Oh, there she is. Lisa Simpson will now read her essay... I would like to read a different essay, if I may? Um... OK. The city of Washington was built on a stagnant swamp some 200 years ago and very little has changed. It stank then and it stinks now. Only today, it is the fetid stench of corruption that hangs in the air. Cool! A ruckus. Hmm! Lisa: ...and who did I see taking a bribe but the honourable Bob Arnold. GASPS But don't worry, congressmen. I'm sure you can buy all the votes you need with your dirty money and this will be one nation under the dollar with liberty and justice for none. AUDIENCE BOOS Ohh! Senator, there's a problem. Please, I'm very busy. A little girl is losing faith in democracy. Good Lord! Congressman, we want to drill for oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head. Well... Teddy who? LAUGHS: Congressman... You're under arrest. You work fast. I work for Uncle Sam. We will now vote on the House bill 1022-- the expulsion of Bob Arnold. I'm for the bill but shouldn't we tack on a pay raise for ourselves? ALL: No! OK, this should make my bosses very happy. Your bosses? Yep. All 250 million of them. When my family arrived in this country four months ago we spoke no English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide chain of wheel-balancing centres. Where else but in America-- or possibly Canada-- could our family find such opportunity? That's why whenever I see the Stars and Stripes I'll always be reminded of that wonderful word, 'flag.' CHEERS There will be a brief recess while the judges tabulate their votes. Marge: Lisa, what's gotten into you? Your other speech was a little more crowd pleasing. I'm sorry, Dad. I couldn't think of a nice way to say America stinks. Extra! Extra! Feds nab rotten rep! Give me one of those. Marge: 'Imprisoned congressman becomes born-again christian.' I can't believe it. The system works. # The trading gap shuffle # we're in a heap of trouble # doing the trading gap shuffle, yes, sir. # He already sang that. No, that was the budget gap. This is the trading gap. And now the moment of truth. Will the winning essay be 'Bubble on, oh, melting pot' 'Lift high your lamp, Green Lady' 'USA A-OK' or 'Cesspool on the Potomac'? Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! And now the winner is... 'USA A-OK' by Trong Van Dinh. D-ohhh! Miss Crowley, thank you for this oversized novelty cheque. I would like to share this honour with all of my fellow essayists particularly the courageous Lisa Simpson whose inflammatory rhetoric reminded us that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance. Give her the cheque! AUDIENCE LAUGHS I was serious. # Say, let me tell you about Lisa S. # She's that little eight-year-old muckrakeress # she caught a crook and really made him pay # she did it all in just one day # that's what I would call being on the ball! # Singer: Ow! Bart! You taught me to stand up for what I believe in. Captions by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2018