I am going to grill you, so buckle up, sister. (LAUGHS) That's a bit show off-y. (GASPS) That's harsh. I thought that you would like this. Lower, and then push it in. (LAUGHS) www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019. (PANTS) OK. So, we're at Hilary Barry's house, and it's on the North Shore, and they don't actually let brown people here, so I'm gonna get in before Neighbourhood Watch finds me. Great! Hils! I'm here, love! Put the kettle on! SOFTLY: We're not really friends in real life, so this is what TVNZ make us do. Oh, hi! Lovely to see you. Nice to see you. Aw! What a beautiful house! (GASPS) Very postmodernistic. Right. Is it? I don't know. OK. Now, do the intro to the show, cos I can't be fucked. OK. Tonight on Anika Moa Unleashed ` inside the home of the fabulous Hilary Barry. Some say she's mentally ill, others describe her as 'mutton', and Lord only knows what overseas visitors think of her. Let's find out, shall we? And now, your host ` Anika Moa. Thank you! It's a pleasure. Hilary Barry, nee Pankhurst ` mother, journalist, former head prefect, auntie of the nation, named 'Favourite New Zealand Female Personality' in 2006, one of our favourite local power dressers, according to Viva, aka Hilz Baz, aka Hazza Bazza, aka Horn Bags. (LAUGHS) Kia ora, and welcome to your home. Sing me a waiata by way of welcome. # Ka waiata # ki a Maria. (LAUGHS) # Hine i whakaae. Ae. # Whakameatia mai... # ki... I've forgotten the rest. (BOTH MUMBLE MELODY) I'm so bad. I can't remember the words. # Hine rangimarie. # I don't know this song. Kia ora. Kia ora. That was amazing. How did you get to be head prefect? Were you popular? LAUGHS: I truly don't know! What, were you brainy? Not particularly. I was average. Yeah. And I just was, I guess, into everything. I'd give things a go. It's like sport ` I give things a go. I'm hopeless, but I'm up for it. You played cricket, though. Yeah. I was in the first 11 at school. (CHUCKLES) There was only one 11, and we struggled to make up the numbers sometimes. (LAUGHS) So they` 'Oh, get her in. Don't worry.' Hey, but I got in the photo! This is me being the baddest that I've ever been. Oh shit. This is gonna be naughty. Is this your plan, actually, to get me saying inappropriate things, and then get me fired? Yeah, and they'll fire you, and` Mm. You've got my job. Huh. It's all making sense. Well, out with the old, in with the new. I'm not that old. I'm still in my 40's. SOFTLY: Only just. Is it your birthday today? Yes. - (BOTH LAUGH) - You're under 50, eh, today? I'm 49. (GASPS) Shit. Yeah. It's a proud day. (GIGGLES) Oh, it's ready! Ooh! Birthday cake! (OVEN DOOR SLAMS) I made myself one! (CHUCKLES) Oh look ` it came out perfectly! Wow! Do you mind chopping up the strawberries? Yep. Sure. I'm just picking that maybe you might be a bit rough with them, so` I'm a little bit rough and tumble. If you wouldn't mind just cutting them in to fours like that, so they're nice and pretty. I'll try my best. OK. Great. Thanks, Hils. We're such best friends off-screen and on-screen, eh? I'm gonna make the ganache. Nope? OK (!) OK. Sorry about the noise. - OK. Is it real loud? - (BLENDER WHIRRS) It's not that bad. Are you gonna melt it? Put the blade in. - Oh! Ha! - (BLENDER GRINDS VIOLENTLY) It feels so cool being a white person for the day. I'd let you do this, but... # It's my birthday. It's my birthday! # # It's your birthday. # OK. Cheers. Happy birthday. Thanks, babes. Hope you make it to 50. Why would you say that?! I wasn't` It... (EXHALES) This cake's beautiful. I'm going to live-troll you right now. (CACKLES) One of your first jobs was working at Paul Henry's radio station in Carterton. Paint us a picture of those crazy days. He wanted a journalist to write his news for the morning show, so he rang up journalism school in Wellington, where I was just finishing off, and asked if they had anyone who was cheap, and I clearly identified` You went, 'I'm cheap!' (LAUGHS) They clearly identified me as the cheapest, and I kind of went over there and started working for him for $19,000 a year, which was` What, was that big money back then? No. But I thought it was, cos it was my first job. Do you like him as a broadcaster? I think he's a very, very good broadcaster. No, and I mean that. I mean that hand on heart. Sometimes, I'd watch a show, and go, "Oh, he's just said something stupid, and she's going, 'Oh, FML.'" (LAUGHS) Were there moments of FML moments? Of course! Cos he's ridonkulous, isn't he? Yeah. What's your party trick? I can gargle the Star Trek theme. (GARGLES 'STAR TREK' THEME) (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) That was amazing! Thank you. Thank you. They say you shouldn't feed the trolls, but you do. (GASPS) That's harsh. I pick my moments. You even used the C-word once, and Clarke Gayford caused it all. Discuss. Well, there was a headline in the paper that insinuated that Clarke Gayford was babysitting the first baby. Mm-hm. He was... parenting. It gets on my wig ` that whole, when Dads are in charge of the kids, they're babysitting, and when women are looking after the kids, they're parenting. Yeah. So I just kind of pointed that out, and then... Someone called you` Someone called me the C-word. And you said` And I embraced the C-word. When someone else uses it as a derogatory term for a woman, I go,... (SCOFFS) It's spectacular. Don't be using that word. I agree. I agree with you, sister. Thank you. Thank you. Duncan Greive from the Spinoff wrote, 'Trying to find someone with a bad word to say about Barry 'would be a long and fruitless day.' Wrong! (LAUGHS) I found these in about 10 minutes. Now, you get to read them out into this camera. OK. 'She's a giggling Gertie, that one,' overheard by Anika in the Koru Lounge. Yeah. I've got Koru membership. 'Turned out to be Seven Blunt. Boring, poor camerawork, inappropriate comments,' Sandra, via Facebook. Thanks, Sandra. 'This person is mentally ill, not to mention a loser.' (CHUCKLES) From a YouTuber called Douglas Cook. I have in my mind who these people are. (LAUGHS) Yep. You're good at handling trolls online, but can you handle live trolling? I'm going to live-troll you right now, OK? Are you ready? Yes. OK. (FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) HIGH-PITCHED: 'Whoo-hoo-hoo! I'm a troll! My name is Wartface! (CACKLES) 'Get ready for trolling! 'This house is nice,... for Glenfield! (CACKLES)' (LAUGHS) Did that hurt? No. HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: '(GIGGLES) You look old enough to be my mum off-camera! (CACKLES) 'You have perfect titties for a 16 year-old... boy! (CACKLES)' Now you can troll me. They were actually quite funny. (CHUCKLES) Thank you. Oh, I can't be mean to you. No, be mean. (SIGHS) (GIGGLES) You did the feet! (HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLING) You've gotta do... (GIGGLES). HIGH-PITCHED: '(GIGGLES) Anika Moa! 'Why is she back on TV again? (LAUGHS)' I don't know! I... Don't cry, baby! (LAUGHS) Aw! I'm sweaty. I'm sweaty. Wow. She sweats a lot. Anika Moa! Why can't she stop sweating? It's cos it's humid. Oh. OK. (LAUGHS) Sorry. (LAUGHS) This is so mean! People might think I'll go easy on you cos I like being on your show, Seven Sharp, and I'm in love with you, but as this is the last show on TV to actually ask the hard questions` (LAUGHS) ...I am going to grill you, so buckle up, sister. OK. No giggling, smirking or doing that Hilary Barry thing with your nose, and sit up straight. - Cue the serious music. - (FUNKY LATIN MUSIC PLAYS) - No. - (TICKING MUSIC PLAYS) - That's it. Does the thought of Judith Collins becoming the boss of us one day give you the shits or does it excite you? The shits. Why don't we let old ladies read the news, apart from you? We should. Talk us through TV3's reign of terror under CEO Mark Weldon. If you had to explain the whole thing to a child, how would you tell the story? I'll start you off. (SNICKERS) Once upon a time, Mark Weldon walked in to the building with lollies and candy. Bottles of wine! And bottles of wine. And then, he went, 'You're all fired, you bunch of fuckwits.' SOFTLY: Little bit like that, but I really shouldn't. You're contractually bound. Actually, I'm not contractually bound; I just don't like talking about it any more. That photo with you and McRoberts and the Moet and beers on the steps of TV3 ` is that iconic or what? Talk me through that moment. You know how you spend your whole life being really good, and then there are moments when you're really, really bad? Because the news had just broken that he had... resigned, I knew there were cameras staked outside TV3. Of course I did. SOFTLY: Yes! Was that a really naughty thing to do? Yes, it was. Yes. We were not allowed to talk about it. We were all putting on a brave face, and it just kind of was a nod to every single person who had lost their job. See? You're the queen. That's why everyone loves you. It's kind of like, 'We're feeling for ya.' Did you drink all that booze? Yeah, totally. (LAUGHS) Of course you would have. Now, because it's your birthday, we've got a nice surprise for you. (FUNK MUSIC) (POP!) Whoa! (LAUGHS) (BLOWS PARTY HORN) Whoo! Whoo! That's amazing ` all that confetti! Oh my God! Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought that you would like this! Look, it's gone everywhere! There's a cake? Yeah, but wait. Wait, we` (GASPS) This is your first present. Thank you. But it's your only present, really. This is the biggest present I got today. Really? Yep. You wait until you see it. (PAPER RIPS) (GASPS) (BOTH LAUGH) What is it, you ask (?) This is me being the baddest that I've ever been. Show everyone. Show everyone that you're naughty. You've got a little naughty side! Do you want me to guide you in, Hils? It's OK. It's just... I get what you did there. Again, I'm just ignoring it. (LAUGHS) Love it. (GASPS) What does it say? It says,... (LAUGHS) And I just say... fuck them. (LAUGHS, BLOWS PARTY HORN) Do you want to try some cake? Yes, please. But wait ` there's more! Send in the clowns! Hi, guys. How are we doing? Hi! Who'd like to help me first? Maybe the birthday girl. Come on. The one with the birthday. (LAUGHS) This is the best birthday ever! Yay! We grab the tail, then you jump it back there, just like that, and that's how you make a dog. Blow there. Lovely. Very nice. (BOTH LAUGH) That's for you. (COUGHS) There's one there. There's that one. (LAUGHS) Then, what's that? She's pregnant! I didn't know where to put it! (LAUGHS) Aw! We've got a little fish, like that! That's so cute! Thank you. Thank you. Bye! Bye, everyone! When I say, 'It's the best birthday ever', it really is. Really? Yeah. Do you think so? (PLAYS 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU') Whoo! (SONG ENDS) Yay! (LAUGHS) Thank you so much! Happy birthday. That was beautiful. Now, scram! That was beautiful! Get out, rat! Thank you! BOTH: # We. # That's a bit show off-y. Lower, and then push it in. (LAUGHS) * (LAIDBACK LOUNGE MUSIC) Hide your wallets on K Rd. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) - Whoo! - (CROSSING SIGNAL BEEPS) - Shit. Right, where's Stan? He's probably late, cos he's Maori. When I tell people I'm interviewing you, they go, 'Ooh, Stan! I love Stan!' However, you're not perfect, Stan. I've got a wee list of things about you that annoy me. (LAUGHS) It's a little list. Just jokes. Here's the real list. Oh my God! (LAUGHS) Oh my God! (CLEARS THROAT) Number one ` the way you say, 'Know what I'm saying?' You know how you do it in the Instagram? Do it. I don't know how. (SLURS) (SHUDDERS) Number one. That's number one. OK. The way you keep getting movie parts even though I'm a much better actor. Actually, I don't even know how. The way you pretend you're Maori when you're actually Chinese. (LAUGHS) # The way you try to sing... # like me, but you can't sing as well as me! # Whoa! That was actually really good. Thank you. Thank you. The way you eat with your mouth open and the KFC goes everywhere. That's actually very true. Actually, you can't eat it any more, so we can actually cross that off. Yeah. Mm. The endless selfies. Yeah. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) When you do your Maori lips. You just did them! Oh! - (BOTH LAUGH) - That annoys me, 'Know I'm sayin'?' (LAUGHS) OK. Does anything about me annoy you? The thing I'm` Can I just stop you there? Yep. (BOTH SING, LAUGH) (CLEARS THROAT) Serious question to start, Stan. Let's muff dive straight in there, OK? (LAUGHS) You don't have to answer this, but it's kind of the elephant in the room. Yep. You were born in Melbourne and grew up in Mt Maunganui and Hamilton. Is that why you are a stylish dresser, but also a complete bogan loser? No. The boganness comes from Byron Bay. Kia ora. Yeah. You're a complete bogan loser hippie. Yes. This is true! It says in my notes that you got cancer just to lose weight. Why didn't you just do Weight Watchers like the rest of us? Oh, it just wasn't gonna work for me. Why not? I just needed a quick fix. A quick fix? You look fly, boy. I can wear overalls and tuck in my shirts and skivvies, cos I have a neck. What was the difference between being KFC fat and muesli-bar skinny? Um,... I don't heavy breathe when I walk up stairs. (BOTH LAUGH) I heavy breathe. I'm, like,... (WHEEZES) Clothes and confidence. I know that sounds so dumb, but, like, I felt like I was, like, a skinny person trapped in a fat person's body. Why can't you be confident and fat? No, I was, but I actually just like the clothes that all my skinny mates would wear and I couldn't wear cos I had thighs that touched each other all the way down to my ankles. (LAUGHS) Weight Watchers keep tagging me on Instagram. Do they? (BOTH LAUGH) Oh my God! 'Do you wanna lose weight today?' I'm like, 'Yes, I do, but I don't need to be told, OK?' So you eat certain foods, and it messes with your... Yeah. But what's there now? Cos you don't have a stomach, so... It's just, like... just intestines ` small and large intestines, and that's it. So your intestines go straight to your oesophagus? Yep. And it goes` so it doesn't` you don't get to digest your food, so you have to eat foods that are more natural and raw. Yeah. You could have died from this. You could have died from this cancer that you had in your stomach. Yeah. We talked about our funerals and how we want it. Yeah. I was like, 'I just want to be`' What do you want? Just put it on record now. Well, I want everybody to mourn. Like, I want everybody to fully cry. (GROANS) Can't we just party? Nah, after. OK. But I want everybody to, like, be sulking. Like, wear black. If you wear any colours` (WARBLES) Like this? Like, I'm not that one that's like, 'Oh, he was a colourful person.' Yeah. # Aue. # I wanna be lying like this, so they can still see Ataahua, you know? Yeah. And I wanna be, um,... maybe naked. Ew! Let's go natural. OK. I want a big choir. Big, fat choir, and I want heaps of performances. This is gonna be a really fucking expensive funeral! (LAUGHS) I wanna be, like` I wanna be, like` I wanna be alive to watch it. Like, just to wait, just... You'll be dead, darlin'. Yeah. Yeah. (LAUGHS) I've seen a copy of your bucket list, and it includes singing a duet with me or some bitch called Beyonce. What do you reckon, shall we do a duet? How about Ebony And Ivory? I'm obviously Ebony. Ooh, I don't think that's gonna work, cos... How? I feel like maybe I'm more of an Ebony. Yeah, but I'm blacker than you. ('EBONY AND IVORY' PLAYS) It's good to have you here, Ivory. Thanks, Ivory. # Ebony... BOTH: # ...and Ivory # live together in perfect # harmony. # Side by side on my piano # keyboard, oh, Lord, # why don't we? # (SIGHS) IN HUSHED VOICE: We all know that people are the same wherever we go. Except that I'm blacker than you. 'Ooh, there is good and bad in everyone. 'We learn to live, 'and we learn to give...' Mm. Yes. Thank you. '...each other what we need... 'to survive together, alive.' You're barely alive. Ah, yes. Cos you've got cancer. # Ebony, that's me,... BOTH: # ...and Ivory # live together in perfect # harmony. # Side by side on my piano # keyboard, oh, Lord,... # why don't we? # (SCREAMS) # Ooh. # You're gonna donate a cut of the tour to cancer research. That's a bit show off-y. * Your documentary was amazing. Were you amazed by the reaction? I was, because it reached the people that I hoped it to reach. Like, you know, people always see the beginning of somebody's journey and the end, and the end is either you're alive or you're dead. Yeah. Yeah. But nobody sees the struggle in between, and so that's why I wanted to show people you don't have to tread around like they're little babies that can't speak or walk or talk. You saw my family mocking me, 'Ooh, you know, that's gonna get`' You know, that sort of stuff. Yeah, I saw that. They were all so mean to you ` I loved it. Are you happier now? Yeah. It's a real weird thing that cancer actually... was the best thing that ever happened to me. Mm. I remember lying in bed, and I couldn't move, I couldn't lift myself up, I couldn't go to the toilet, but my mind was so alive and so ahead and so moving forward, and I was just, like, 'Man, I'm gonna actual, like, go for everything that I ever wanted, 'and I'm not gonna let nobody stop me.' # My mind's telling me no,... Yes. # ...but my body. # My body. I'm gonna test your love of music. Oh no. - Correctly identify these classic melismas. - (CLOCK TICKING) (SINGS 'I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU') Whitney Houston. (DING!) OK. (HUMS BEYONCE'S 'DRUNK IN LOVE') Whoa! Ooh! And this is your favourite singer too. Beyonce. (GROANS) What song? Can you sing it again? (HUMS BEYONCE'S 'DRUNK IN LOVE') Oh, Drunk In Love. - (DING!) - Yep. Kia ora. (HUMS CELINE DION'S 'IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW') Celine... I love her so much. ...mother-flippin' Dion. Auntie Celine. What's your favourite song of hers? Oh, My Heart Will Go On. I just love that. It just gets me. Who would you be, Jack or Rose? Probably Rose, cos she's more gangster. Yeah, but she's a bit chubbier. Are you more of a Maori artist now than a pop artist, and is that good for the bank balance? I've always been a Maori artist, even though I might be a pop artist. You were pop, hard-core. Yeah. Oh yeah. No, definitely. I'm not like that any more. You're riding horses now. You're with your tribe. Yep. My tribe. I think` Does it feel good? Yeah, it does, actually. Well, I'm making stuff that I always dreamed of making. Like, I do everything now ` like, I direct everything, I do all the concepts for everything. Yep. Like, the music. Like, if I write songs, the video comes with the song. Wow. And I've been doing that for the last few years, but, like, now, it's like it's all on me. Right. You're doing a big tour. Yay! And you're gonna donate a cut of the tour to cancer research. That's a bit show off-y, isn't it? Yeah. If you wanna actually buy tickets just to feel sorry for me, I actually don't care. (COUGHS) Oh, I feel sick now (!) (COUGHS) Sorry. I'm going on tour too. (COUGHS) Oh shit. Yeah. I'll be doing all new songs. Hopefully, I'll have my album out by then. Keep talking. I just need to send a text. Oh. So useless. Just keep talking. Guys, I'm gonna have my album out by then, so I'll have new songs, new material. (LAUGHS) Yep. I don't even know what else to say. What emoji should I send to my mum? Um,... that one. She's just wanting to know who I'm interviewing, and I'll just say` Oh. Just say Stan, then. No, no, no. That one. OK. (LAUGHS) Sorry. She just said something really mean about you. (LAUGHS) # I am the blackest because I robbed a bank last week. # No, no, no, no. I am the blackest cos I got black balls, # and my feet are black too. # I am blacker than you because I # play grassroots rugby in Napier. # But no, you're not. I'm blacker than you because I am a thief since way back. # Who says thieves are black? There's white-collar crime. # My mother and father were in jail when I was a baby. # My dad was in jail when I was born. # Oh my gosh. You're not blacker than me. I'm gonna get my sack out... # to show the people that # I am black! (BOTH SING OFF-KEY) - # I've got a black arsehole. # - (BOTH LAUGH) Hello, Joseph's mother. Is your son a good lover? Was it that time of month? (CHUCKLES) What if we have a few wines and then, all of a sudden, I'm in your bed? I don't know why I asked that. I'm so sorry. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019.