* Do you remember, like, the moment you sold out? I'm liking you more than you. Say something sexy. Where would you draw the line? Have you ever been too mean? Does that take the smile off your face? Guess who I'm gonna see today. WOMAN ON PHONE: I dunno, bubs, a psychiatrist? No! I'll give you a clue. He's a living legend, a man of the people, a writer and activist and one of the best mayors of our generation. Oh, Dr Ropata? No, it's Tim Shadbolt. You know, the one with the really nice smile that you said that you fancied all those years ago. Down in Invercargill? Oh, you better bring your thermals down there, eh, bubs? Nah, he's in Dorkland. We're interviewing him at the Town Hall, cos that's where he got arrested in the '70s. The cops got him 33 times, which is actually more times than you, eh, Mum? I've never been arrested. This better not be for that stupid show of yours` OK, gotta go. Good luck in court today. Bye, Mum! Tim bloody Shadbolt, eh? Or should I call you His Holy Worship? Or Your Majesty. I'm not fussy. OK, Your Majesty. Protester, writer, mayor. You are a living Kiwi icon, like Lynn of Tawa, like Taika of Waititi, like the Ohakune carrot, like (IMITATES HELEN CLARK) Helen Clark. Before we start, we just need to check the research. Our research lady is a bit of a booze hag, so let's just check these off. It says that the reason you smile so much is that you were tickled too much as a child. Well, that's hard to know. I'd have to form a committee to look into that, and I'd need an environmental impact report, and I'd have to consult the iwi, and by then, well, it'll all be over. You appeared on the first series of Dancing With The Stars, and you were even worse than David Seymour. # Shake your booty, baby, # one more time. # Yep, they always have a fall guy in that programme,... ...and you were it. ...and I was it. OK. Twice mayor of Waitakere and eight times mayor of Invercargill, making you the longest-serving mayor in New Zealand. In the history of New Zealand. OK, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Oh, sorry, sorry. OK. That's over. Next up is Vietnam. Vietnam! (GRAND, UPBEAT MUSIC) You smile a lot, Tim Shadbolt. Some say you smile a little bit too much, you little cheeky, grinny bastard. But I reckon I could wipe that smile off your face. Should I give it a go? Too right. I'm game for anything. Let's go! Wipe That Smile with Tim... Shadbolt! OK. This is gonna wipe the smile off your face, Tim. You can take the blindfold off now. Can I? Yeah. Ta-da! Look, it's Phil Goff. He's the mayor of Auckland. He gets paid much, much more than you. Now, does that take the smile off your face? Not at all, mate. Still smiling. (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) OK, this is definitely gonna wipe the smile off your face. Tim, take your blindfold off. Voila. Voila! Wow! A statue! Mayor Robbie! Have you ever had a statue made of you? No, I haven't had a statue made of me. (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) But I admired him. He's a great role model. A great man. And you're still smiling. (GROANS) I'm gonna get you, Tim. (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Yes, of course I'm ready. God, you're so happy, it's disgusting. OK. These are sour lollies, OK? Now, let's take one each, and then this will finally` This is gonna work, I reckon. (LIGHT, CURIOUS MUSIC) It's sour. Goddammit. (CHUCKLES) No smile, I see. No (IMITATES TIM'S LAUGH). (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) All right. You won that round. Thank you. High five. Yeah. Oh, he's back to smiling. Dammit. (CHORTLES) (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) Let's go way back ` the 1960s and '70s. You were a hot student radical right at the heart of the protest movement. I believe that we are the answer. We're supposed to be a democracy, which means every single one of us has to play a full and active role in your society. How much of a boring shithole was New Zealand in those days? Well, especially on a Sunday, it was very quiet. There was no entertainment at all, really, so we made our own. Was being a student radical...? Was it, like, a good leg-opener? (SMOOTH, SENSUAL MUSIC) # Baby. # Yeah, it had a reputation for that. It talked a lot about free love, and, of course, everyone thought free love was free sex, but there was actually quite a subtle but important difference. How many times were you arrested, and what for? I was arrested 33 times, and it was all political arrests. So, I've been in a wide range of protests ` French nuclear bombings and... I feel quite proud, really, of the things I was arrested for. Our generation wanted wars to stop, pollution to stop` Were you an aggro protester, or, you know...? I was definitely Gandhi and Te Whiti and,... Oh, OK. ...um, you know, passive. Just for being passive, you get arrested. Oh, stupid. This is the trippy hippy psychedelic section now. Cue music! (PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC) And costumes! (CHUCKLES) Tell me about living on a commune. Were there orgies, wild sex parties, tie-die, wholemeal bread? Paint me a picture. Well, I think our commune was a rather tame one, when you reel off that list. But it was more an economic drive, as we saw it. We were gonna go back to our pioneering roots and start again. We were quite well set up. We had a fishing boat, organic gardens. But it was when babies started arriving on the scene ` that's when the challenge grew. Washing your nappies in the streams isn't very romantic at all, you know. (LAUGHS) (PLAYS FOLK ROCK MUSIC) Yeehah! I'm Bob Dylan. # Whoo! # I don't care where, as long as I'm mayor. # No shit, cow shit, go to jail for saying bullshit. # Living in the arsehole. Oh well. # At least it's not Jaffaville. Yeah! # Look out, Shadbolt, you old spaghetti man. # Look out, Shadbolt, you old spaghetti man. (PLAYS BLUESY RIFF) What would you protest about today if you could be bothered getting off your fat, middle-aged white man's arse? We've got cows in Southland, you know. We went from 135,000 cows to 750,000 cows. And they love nothing better than pooing in rivers. (CHUCKLES) Oh my... I mean, they're just like freedom campers. (LAUGHS) And we've got to make a stand. We've got to clean up the rivers and the environment. We call ourselves 100% pure, and now we've actually gotta do it. (LOUD FARTING) Great speech! Quick-fire round now. No smirking, stuttering, bogarting or gibbering on, and sit up straight! Good boy. Have you ever eaten wood pigeon? Yes, I'm afraid I have. What was it like? It was quite nice, actually. Have you ever done blackface or drawn a swastika on a pencil case? No. Was there a worse mayor than John Banks? Yes. Mayor Hatch. And his campaign slogan was, 'There's a pint in every penguin.' And he killed 3 million penguins and boiled them down for the oil. If Invercargill is the arsehole of the world, then what is Palmerston North? Is it the armpit? No. Every city in New Zealand has got a lot going for it in different ways. Wrong. Bring me in the ceremonial duck. The rugby game was roaring in a soggy field of muck. You kept losing (CHUCKLES) your mayoral chains? They accused me of losing them at a party. Did you lose them at a party? No. I've got photos of me wearing the chains after that party. Oh, OK. I think I know who stole them,... (LAUGHS) ...and one of my former counsellors said he would tell me when the person who stole them died. So I'm just waiting for that revelation. (LAUGHS) You're waiting for them to die. I love it that you still laughed; you still had a smile on your dial, even in the face of adversity. I like to think if I had a legacy, it would be that I brought a bit of humour and fun to local government. That's amazing. You once used council money to pay for some rare pigs. Is there a story behind that? A staff member came in to see me and said, 'Look, Mayor Tim, I know this is an unusual request, 'but DOC is going to shoot all the pigs on the Auckland Island. They've been there for 200 years. 'We're from the Rare Breeds Conservation Trust, and we're gonna go and save them. 'But we haven't got enough money to feed them when they get back to Invercargill, 'so could you pay for the food?' I said, 'How much will it cost?' They said, 'Oh, only $1200.' I said, 'Oh, is that all? OK.' They returned a week later with 17 of these goddamn pigs. But what nobody realised is that while they were stuck in the Auckland Islands half-frozen, they never had sex. And as soon as they arrived back in the balmy tropics of Invercargill, the boars were jumping over the barriers and getting into the sows, and by Christmas, I had 198 Auckland Island pigs. (LAUGHS) And the bill, instead of $1300, was $13,000. Oh. Boy, was I in trouble. But now it's proven they're the purest mammals on Earth. Wow. And they're looking at kidney transplants and neurological diseases and` And you did that, with the contingency plan. So if any of it happens, I'll be demanding the reinstatement of the mayor's contingency fund. (LAUGHS) Tim Shadbolt. Ah! (CHUCKLES) I thought we'd exiled you to Invercargill. Welcome back. Great to be here. Now, I couldn't borrow your mayoral chains, could I? Gee, I remember what you did with the last lot, mate. There's no way I could let you put your hands on those. Oh well. But you can sit in my chair. Why don't you sit in my chair? Oh, thank you. Mm. Well... There's a lot of responsibility in that chair. Ooh! I can feel it now. It's... Oh, it envelops you. You know, that area you're looking at down there is the whole population of Invercargill living now permanently. Just downtown. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) Hi. How does that make you feel? Hi. Hi, I'm Anika. (CHUCKLES) Hi, Anika. How are ya? I'm just Tim's friend. May I sit in your chair too, please? You might ask him to move... You'll have to sit on my knee. May I sit`? Oh, OK. I'll sit on your knee. I'm not sure if this` I don't mind where, as long as I'm on the mayor. (LAUGHS) Eh? Mwah! (LAUGHS) No, that's all changed in this office. Ooh! Ooh, there's a little` Ooh, sorry. (LAUGHS) Is he pleased to see me or...? Where would you draw the line? Have you ever been too mean? Say something sexy. I'm liking you more than you. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) (HANDBRAKE CLICKS) Oh, I know it's Uncle Hex's bloody tangi. Jesus, he won't mind! I'm staking out this hot, young comedian's place. Chris Parker. Yeah, nah, he does Hudson and Halls. Oh, and that really, ridiculous, pathetic stake-out show he does with Thomas Sainsbury. You know, the one who does Paula Benefit on Snapchat. I do other work besides that, Anika. Zip it. I'm trying to talk to my mum on the phone and stake-out, so... Are you guys ready for this? Elephant in the room time. Have you guys ever made love to one of my songs? Um... No, but close. No, but close. Foreplay. Yay! What do you put on as you make love? Like, you're like, 'Anika Moa, Brooke Fraser.' Or...? Anika Moa, Anika Moa, Dave Dobbyn, Dave Dobbyn, Scribe. Oh my God! Yeah. I'm that` And then the cuddle is Scribe? No, Scribe is on ejaculation. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You guys are one of the hottest things in New Zealand comedy, according to quite a lot of people. Our parents. (FUNKY MUSIC) Is that cool? Or is it just making you more neurotic and stressed out cos now you have to deliver the goods? I feel no pressure. Neither. In the New Zealand Comedy Festival, we were like, 'Let's just do whatever we want to do and not worry about what other people think.' Be yourself. I know. Channelling Anika Moa. (GASPS) We literally do that. I'm liking you more than you. Yeah. Yeah, that happens. (CHUCKLES) No, it doesn't. It's usually the other way` Yeah, it's usually the other way around. Is it really? Well, he is very much more charming than you. And more handsome. You're a bit more broody. More brooding? No. I'd actually say you're both handsome if I put you both together in a little app. (TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) # You can do it. Put your ass into it. # I'm trying. Hello. Anika, can I please go to the bathroom now? K, bye. (LAUGHS) Excuse me. (LAUGHS) What I have to put up with... SIGHS: Oh, finally, he's gone. Oh, finally. Tom Sainsbury. Mm. 50 plays, heaps of TV appearances, films, numerous web series, co-wrote Super City. Look, there he is on Shortland Street! READS: Sebastian St John. Sebastian 'Sinjin'. That's all well and good, but you do know that you are always going to be that Paula Benefit guy, aren't you? Hi, sweeties. Hi, sweeties. Hi, sweeties. Hi, sweetie. It's me, Paula Bennett. Can you do Paula's voice right now? IMITATES PAULA BENNETT: Hi, sweeties. It's me, Paula Bennett. (LAUGHS) What's the trick to doing Paula? My character of Paula's become this monster that's not really anything like the real Paula. Yep. Originally, I'd watch all her interviews and stuff, and she does this one a lot. (LAUGHS) Yeah. And (IMITATES PAULA) 'OK.' IMITATES PAULA: OK. Yeah, and so those were the` She did that to me a lot in my interview. (CHEERFUL MUSIC) Now that she's skinny,... Mm. ...do you feel pressure to just lose a bit of that weight? Yes, I definitely do. Do you really? (LAUGHS) Kiwis Of Snapchat is a real hit. IMITATES SIMON BRIDGES: Hello, my name is Simon Bridges, and I'm the National MP for Tauranga. Why is it easier to make fun of the right-wingers? I think the National Party is just full of such amazing characters. They just keep delivering. They're a parody unto themself. They are. Yeah. Where would you draw the line, and have you ever been too mean? I have been too mean. Paula did a response video to me of her driving with her girlfriends. Hi, sweeties. It's me, Paula Bennett! The next day, Paddles, Jacinda's cat, died. And I was just like, 'The comedy ` I have to do it. I have to do a video of Paula...' Paula running over the cat. '...killing Paddles.' (GASPS) IMITATES PAULA BENNETT: We ran over Cindy's cat. And I wanted to stay and check if it was all right, but Maggie Barry, she said, 'Just` Who cares? Let's keep driving.' All the supporters were like, 'No, too far.' Yeah. I couldn't read the comments on that one. Ooh, ooh! Here's my flatmate. You can come through. They won't film. Hi, Lucy. Film her! Film her! Hi. Get her! Get her! Did we get her? MAN: Yeah. Good. Let's make her the main character of this. Let's ignore them and just make that one shot the whole thing. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Can you guys please explain to me what 'mansplaining' is? I'll just pause you there for a second. Yeah. Cue the sex music. If there was any TV show that you'd love to be in, what would it be? Kath & Kim. Yes. Damnit! That's my answer. Say Handmaid's Tale. Oh, OK. Oh. Kath & Kim. (LAUGHS) Handmaid's Tale. Handmaid's Tale. (GASPS) Handmaid's Tale? OK, guess what. I can grant that wish. (GASPS) (INTRIGUING MUSIC) Oh, he's always bloody late. What is it about men? Jeez. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Sorry, ladies. Just got stuck at the TAB. I almost got a trifecta. (SIGHS) OK. (CLICKS FINGERS) Let's do this. (CLEARS THROAT) And when Chris saw that he bore Anika no children, she said, 'Just root Tom instead. He's not barren. But make it quick. I've got to go to yoga.' And thus they got jiggy 'wid' it. Cue the sex music. (FUNKY MUSIC) I'm wondering if I might be dairy intolerant. Why? I just feel a bit gassy. Change to almond milk. Really? I've heard that's quite good. Yeah. Almond milk? Yeah! THINKS: 'God, this is terrible. But at least I'm not a meter maid. 'Or a primary school teacher, I suppose. How do they even afford rent?' How's work going? Oh, it's pretty stressful. Of course it's... I had to drown some people the other day. Yeah, oh God! We hanged two men who were gay the other day, so... Oh, that's nice! Were they funny? (GRUNTS) Keep talking about gay guys. Yeah. (STAMMERS) Was it Parker and Sainsbury? That's it. That's it. (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Thank you. Well done! I actually love The Handmaid's Tale. Did you watch that? I do too. But I would wanna be in Kath & Kim too. I lov` That's my favourite comedy of all time. It's so funny. Of all time. What's your favourite thing about it? I like the malapropisms. Yes. So when Sharon comes and says, 'Oh, Kath, you look like 'you're burning the candle at both ends of the spectrum.' (LAUGHS) Tom and I's favourite thing to do with our writing is putting malapropisms in everything` People who get phrases wrong. When I came out to my mum, she said, 'Oh, it's just a phrase.' (GASPS) And I was like, 'Phase.' She was like, 'No, phrase.' 'It's just a phrase.' It is a phrase. 'I'm gay' is a phrase, Mum, but... (LAUGHS) I guess it is a phrase. Yeah, it is a phrase. (LAUGHS) Say something sexy. I wanna do a roast on... (GRUNTS) ...Wednesday. (CHUCKLES) Hey, Tom, can you please make me a cup of tea? Yes. Chris. OK. Hi, Anika. Now it's just me and you. Growing up in Christchurch ` that must've fucked you up, cos it sure did fuck me up. It fucked me up so hard. What's the Christchurch question people always ask other Christchurch people? What school did you go to? (GASPS) Hornby High. Christchurch Boys' High School. I hate you. I hate you. You're racist. You're... ...poor. Oh, is that what it was? You got shit for being too camp at school,... Yes. ...but now you own that shit and make a living out of it. Is that the best revenge? It is the sweetest revenge. Is it? Yeah, it's so sweet. It took me so long to come out, and I reckon it was because a lot of those repressed feelings` Sorry about that. Just the foot. I can't be bothered reaching over, cos the baby doesn't want to. No, don't. You've got baby. It's all good. First, there was Hudson and Halls ` the hit stage play where you played David Halls. And now Shortland Street ` The Musical, where you play Nick, of Nick and Waverley fame. How hard is it to play someone that lots of people know really well? With David Halls, I had a freak-out getting into that, and I was like, 'Oh my God, I'm gonna have to sound like this guy.' Like, he had a specific accent. (WHISTLES) You couldn't leave him for five minutes to do anything, could ya? Just turn it on first. The thing was that I put the tongue on the ridge of my teeth. IMITATES DAVID HALLS: 'So I'd talk like this. So you'd do the whole thing like this.' (LAUGHS) That's so cool. 'And the whole show was done like that.' You absolutely transformed into him. Put a wig on, put on a fat suit ` suddenly, I look 50. When did they pass away? 1990... Did they both pass away together? Peter Hudson died of cancer, and then David Halls took his own life a year later... Oh, that's right. Now I remember. ...out of heartbreak. It's truly the saddest thing in the world. Aww. They never were, like, publicly out. Now, tell me about Shortland Street ` The Musical. I'm really pumped about it. We've got all the old '90s costumes and stuff. Ew, yuck! Yeah, and the old, like, '90s set, and it's epic. Have you been having to do a bit of research about Nick? But OK, fine, no worries. I did it. I'll wear it. Fair enough. Yeah. I think he's just that kind of, like, mopey teenager, eh, (LOWER-PITCHED) 'who's just so hard done by all the time,'... Yeah, yeah, yeah. ...even though, like, it's all fine for him. Ugh! Well, that's middle-class nothing. (GRUNTS DOPILY) (GRUNTS DOPILY) Oh, look who decided to show up. Oh, hi, Thomas. Look who the cat dragged in. So, you just come back with your own back, did you? Look who the cat called the kettle black. Cos we didn't say to come back, but... Oh, sorry. No, that's cool. Can you guys please explain to me what mansplaining is? I'll just pause you there for a second, Anika,... Yeah, and we'll... ...and we'll... It's when there's a correct answer to something` So is it like`? Hold on. So even though the women, they know` Hold on. Can I just`? Yes, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, so it's like` Well, actually, if I may. Yeah. They'll` They won't let them get a word in. And so they'll talk over the woman, and they'll explain it. Even though the woman's like, 'Yes, I understand. I understand what you're talking about.' Do you get this? Are you getting this? Yeah, yeah, I totally` I get it. Yeah. But I just don't get it. Mm. Well, that's... Well... Well... OK, this is the Woman's Day section. I want some sensational answers. Should we hold hands, then? Yeah. Cool. Clickbait stuff, dirt, pain, the real good shit, OK? Tears, if you've got them. Cue the Woman's Day music. (LIGHT, CHEERFUL MUSIC) Have you struggled with your weight? Yes. Always. How about an online gaming or gambling addiction? You got into scratchies for a bit. And I loved Kinder Surprises. So I guess you could say I was in for the chance of what the toy was gonna be. That's gambling. That's addiction. Yeah, right. That's addiction. Plastic surgery? Botox? Tattoos? I do have a tattoo. You've got a tattoo. I'm missing a right peck, so I've always wanted to put that back in. (CHORTLES) It's true. Can we look? I need to see. Um... There's a peck there, and then there's nothing there. Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. Did you get breast cancer? It's called Poland syndrome. Poland syndrome. Where did it go? Never born with it, so I guess it was never there. But if it was never there, you never miss it. Have any of youse been to a psychic or any of that kind of shit? Yes. She said to me, 'I see money in your future.' And I was like, 'Having it or not having it?' And she said, 'Yes.' (LAUGHS) If you had to make love to an iconic Kiwi building in New Zealand, what would it be? Dog huts from Taihape. I would slowly lower myself on to the Beehive. (ALL CHUCKLE) Split eagle. When did you last cry-wank? Or crank, as I like to call it. I've never cried-wanked. Never, either. I've laughed-wanked. (CHUCKLES) Why is life`?! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) And I've sighed-wanked. (SIGHS) Like that. (CHORTLES) You screwed the crew, didn't you? (LAUGHS) (GROANS) Chris Warner's lookin' at my tits. (LAUGHS) ...pleasure to be here. Someone's been a naughty boy. Captions by Chelsea Brady. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019