You screwed the crew, didn't you? (LAUGHS) (GROWLS) (WHINES) Chris Warner's looking at my tits. (CHUCKLES) ...great pleasure to be here. (LAUGHS) Someone's been a naughty boy. I can't meet you at court. I'm actually on Shortland Street. (DISTORTED CHATTERING) Yeah, no, I'm on the Shortland Street. (PHONE RINGS) (DISTORTED CHATTERING) Yeah. - Oh no, sorry. Another call's coming through. I gotta let you go. - (PHONE RINGS) OK. Love you. Bye. Kia ora. Shortland Street. Anika Moa speaking. (DISTORTED CHATTERING) Yes, the Anika Moa. (DISTORTED CHATTERING) Yeah, no, I've just got a role on it. No, bring it in immediately. No, yeah, definitely. (DISTORTED CHATTERING) Sounds like it's gonna die. K, bye. - (PHONE CLONKS) - Ew, yuck. Join me as I unleash myself into the beating heart of our nation's most-loved soap opera and televisual tohunga ` Shortland Street, or Shorty if you're too lazy to say 'land' or 'street'. Since 1992, it's given us a shedload of memorable characters, pashing scenes, unfortunate deaths, babies, weddings, arousing erotica, and some really terrible driving. Now in its 26th year, I've come to harass some of its leading ladies and men, starting with my current favourite bromance's Sam Bunkall and Ben Barrington ` AKA Boyd and Drew. SINGS: # Is it you, or is it me? # (GRUNTS) Oh, my water's broken! I fucking need a doctor. Doctor, my water broke! You guys are doctors. Can you deliver my baby please? Are you saying it's mine? Is it mine? No. What was I doing on Wednesday? I don't like white men. Really? No. Well, I'd do you if I was drunk. We're gonna put you in the hands of the best. OK. Hang on. He's not here. TK Samuels is here. Yeah. (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) I love him. Bye! Are we ready to start? Right, OK. So, thanks for coming. Action. OK. How do you feel about your meteoric rise to stardom? Um, well,... I get lots of free stuff, so it's really cool. Yeah. And my tits got bigger too. That's one` Yes. Yeah, it's strange how that happens, eh. When people become famous, their tits get bigger. Yeah, their tits get bigger. Their noses get smaller. Oh, look, I haven't been to the gym in a while. You're in doctor frame of mind right now. I can see that. I'm a plastic surgeon. There's not much I could do for you, yeah. Is it cos I'm beautiful already? That's exactly right. What do people ask you most when they recognise you from Shorty, and when was the last time that happened? 'Where's Boyd?' (LAUGHS) Cos you guys are BFFs on the show? Yeah. You're sensitive, and you're caring, and I used to think that was weak. But now I see you have a quiet strength. You make me wanna be brave. Wow, (CHUCKLES) OK. Uh... (SMOOCH!) (EXHALES) Kiss, kiss. (GROWLS) (WHINES) Do you go to parties with each other and, you know, sailing, braid each other's ha`? Ooh. Yeah, we go to each other's weddings and stuff like that, don't we, babe? Yeah, we do ` movies and... (CLEARS THROAT) (CHUCKLES) Elephant in the room question. Hang on. We've got a sound effect for this bit. - (COW MOOS) - No, that's not an elephant. - (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) - That's better. Did you watch Shorty when you were younger, and did you wanna be on it back then? - (BOTH TUT SIMULTANEOUSLY) - (CHUCKLES) You both just did the same` 'Mm-hm. Yep.' What was your first day here like? I saw Michael on my first day, and I shat myself. Yeah. Oh, you did, didn't you? That's Dr Chris Warner. No, we know who Michael Galvin is. Ooh, he's so hot! I walked in, and then Michael was weirdly` I've got this weird image of him sitting at the monitor, cos there's the screen that's playing what's in the studio. I walked in, and there's this majestic, regal creature watching the screen. I'm like, 'Fuck! What am I doing here?' I got really nervous. Did you have sweaty palms? Were you like, 'Hi, Michael. I'm just a normal loser. I'm a loser,'? Your first scene is like, (SHAKILY) 'Um, yeah. I'm Boyd.' 'I'm the new surgeon.' (CHUCKLES) So cool. And look. (SHORTLAND STREET THEME) Nurse Manu, we need, um, a spatula. OK, cool. I'll just get` Wha`? Ah! He's bleeding out. He's bleeding out. Get the thing on him. (GRUNTS) No, he's good to go now. OK, I gotta go to the broom cupboard and make love to someone. Yeah! What do pissed people yell at you at 4am in the morning when you're on the town? DEEPLY: 'Shortland Street!' Is that it? Yup. (CHUCKLES) 'Oi, Shortland Street! Sh-Shortland Street!' Uh... What do you say? I dunno. What do you say to that? It's like... But then sometimes you're like, 'Yes,' and they're like ` (LAUGHS) 'Cool!' (LAUGHS) 'Didn't really think beyond that.' Yeah. Have you been mistaken for anyone else? Jason Statham. Yes! All the time, yeah. I can see that, cos of... Oops. What about you ` Pee-wee Herman? Not actually mistaken. (CHUCKLES) Nothing. People say Cillian Murphy. You know Cillian Murphy? (GASPS) Yes, I see that now. I hate him. Yeah. Oh yeah, me too. He's doing really well, and he's really good. EXAGGERATED IRISH ACCENT: He's doing really well. He's doing really well. (SPLASH!) It's a poo-nami! (GROANS) Ben, can you do the poo-nami scene line, please? Certainly. It's a pounamu! No, it's 'poo-nami'. Poo-nami. Yeah, yeah. Action. (SNAPS FINGERS) Oh my God, it's a panini! (GROANS) You do it. I don't see what the problem is. It's 'poo-nami'. DRAMATICALLY: Oh my God! It's a poo-nami! See? Shall we do a scene together? I feel like you guys are up on my level acting-wise now. It'd be good for you ` maybe even better than the poo-nami. (SHORTLAND STREET THEME) And I'm sorry, but that's what they did. (SHUSHES) Hi, guys. It's me, Anika Moa, your little swirly-wurly chocolate ice cream. I'm glad I got you guys together, actually. Yep. Well, you guys, someone's been a naughty boy, cos I've got some big news for you. Oh. Oh, I hope it's good news. Remember that night they had the lock-in at The IV ` tequila night? Yeah, tequila night. Ooh! Remember that? And then we all passionately made love. We did. Guess what? I'm actually pregnant. Congratulations. That's wonderful. Congratulations. Thank you. Oh, you're gonna make such a wonderful mother. There it is in there. Hey, all the best. We'll catch up with you` No, no. The reason why I'm telling both of you is cos one of you is the father. Oh. Well, that's not possible. Well, let's let Dr fucking DNA sort this shit out once and for all, K? I don't think he works here. No, he's` It's just a swab. I'm gonna swab you both. Oh, OK. Then I'm gonna grab` collect child support off one of youse. (GROANS) No consent. (SHORTLAND STREET THEME) Are sex scenes tricky now that there's more awareness of how gropey most men are, given half the chance? Men are pigs, eh. We don't have sex scenes. We have before and after sex scenes. Yeah. So we have, like,... 'Ooh,' cut to (SIGHS) And someone's put sweat beads on you. No, I think it'd be great to... (SNORES) (CHUCKLES) (PUFFS) Oh. OK, bye. Gotta go. Cos Shorty's great with the, you know, like, pushing the boundaries and opening up discussions. And I think we could open up some great sex discussions. Learning ` that's what Shorty's about. But, yeah, no, we try not to grope, because groping is not good. Don't look now. It's that crazy cow, Anita. Hi! Would you like to do movies? (SIGHS) Yes. Like, desperately, eh. I'd like to do a movie with Cillian Murphy ` throwback to previous question. Like, his younger brother. That's not gonna happen. His younger brother. It could happen. Don't ruin his dreams. It could. Shut up! Just cos you get to do a movie as Jason Statham's older brother,... Yeah. ...except he will do all the stunts, and you will just be, like, lumbering around, going, 'Oi, have you done the stunts already? Oh, too late.' And they'll make you gain weight. Because he can do stunts, and you can't do stunts. Can I tell you my dream? (GROANS) God, this again. Sam. Hey. I believe you have a party trick that you'd like to demonstrate. WHISPERS: Baby crying. (WAILS) (LAUGHS) I can also ride a unicycle. Can you? Why he gets all the chicks. (CHUCKLES) The baby crying and the unicycle is like, 'Ooh, those...' I can do it at the same time. (WAILS HOARSELY) (WAILS) (LAUGHS) You feel your panties just evaporating? Line up. Line up. (COUGHS) Ben, you do your party trick. Sam told me that you can talk out of your arse. (LAUGHS) (SIGHS) MUFFLEDLY: Well, I just wanna say again, you two, it's just absolutely such a great pleasure to be here today with both of you. Are you doing John Campbell? (LAUGHS) Like, honestly, Sam and Ben, you guys are just the funniest, most personable chaps that I've met. You with the baby, yes. You with the arse. My arse is better at auditions than I am for obvious reasons. I understand you're a big Muppets fan. I know. We often get likened to the two old guys in the... The grumpy ones. Yeah. By who? All the directors. It's cos we criticise the script all the time. We're like, 'Can we change`? Can we do this dif`? I don't wanna do the`' Do you really criticise the script? No, no. No, our scriptwriters are wonderful. (CHUCKLES) He looks scared. (CLEARS THROAT) We wouldn't dare. We wouldn't dare. I honour every word they write. We'd get crucified for that shit. You'd get fired. Have you ever been mistaken for a real doctor, like on a plane? Like, someone's like, 'There's a` We need a doctor! Someone's having a heart attack.' We were filming this... It was a funeral. So we had the whole cast there ` the largest collection of fake doctors in the country ` (CHUCKLES) and someone` one of the extras did actually kinda pass out. And, so, we were all standing there, going... 'Do something!' And someone actually had to come in and do something, who wasn't a fake doctor. (WAILS) Yay! Please don't tell me that's a vagina. Oi! You screwed the crew, didn't you? (LAUGHS) Hello. My eyes are up here. * O-M Jesus. The idiots have let me run riot inside the inner workings of the Shortland Street studios in West Aukilani. I've come here to dig the dirt, to uncover the scandals, to get into Dr Warner's pants. (MOANS) Oh yeah. But first up, the woman responsible for this hot, steamy mess ` Producer Maxine Fleming. Where are you, Maxine? Oh, I'm in here. Maxine. Hi. Hi. Hi, Anika. (GASPS) Kia ora, Queen. (CHUCKLES) Yay. Nice to meet you. Welcome. You too. Thank you. (CLAPPERBOARD CLACKS) It's a poo-nami! (WATER GUSHES) (GROANS) Did you sign off the poo-nami thing? Cos that was disgusting. Yes, but I was a bit shocked myself (LAUGHS) when I saw how large the art department had made the poos. (GRUNTS) But, you know, I did sign off on it. We were out shooting one day, and a whole vanload of westies drove past, going, 'It's a poo-nami!' (LAUGHS) And that's great, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm a fan of poos, occasionally. I am too a little bit. I just did one the size` Nothing. Yeah. Ooh! But one of your best lines is ` and this is something I hope I never have to ask any of my children ` Please tell me that is not your penis. I think 'please tell me that is not your penis' is my finest moment of my whole career. OK. And, you know, I could happily retire now (CHUCKLES) on that one. Why not vagina pic? (CHUCKLES) Well, Harry doesn't have a vagina. (LAUGHS) Well, no, you could've chosen one of the other characters. Well, we could do that. (STAMMERS) We could do that. 'Please don't tell me that's a vagina.' It's not as funny somehow, is it? There's a nice alliteration with the 'please tell me that is not your penis'. LAUGHS: Yeah, I know. There's just something more serious about vaginas than penises, don't you think? Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Have you ever sent a`? (LAUGHS) Nothing. Have you? LAUGHS: No. I did once. It got me my second wife. Just saying. It actually did. (LAUGHS) Don't you have a lesbian character at the moment ` little lezzo` little one-on-one? Actually, we're missing a full lesbian. We do need full lesbian. I can go full lez. Yeah? OK. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll have to audition, Anika. You know that. Hello. Oh, hi. Just do a quick ID. Anika Rose Moa. (CLACK!) This is Ben Mitchell, by the way. He's our reader. Hi, TK. Nice to meet you. And action. Everyone has an agenda, TK. Oh, like you. Mine is to help our people. (SCOFFS) Can't even help yourself. What's that supposed to mean? Look at your clothes, rings,... What are you trying to say? ...tattoos. Thank you for noticing. The dress is new, the perfume's my favourite, and, hello, my eyes are up here. Yeah, my eyes are up here. (LAUGHTER) Very good. Yeah. Ah. Whoa. Oh. Oi! Of course, TK was all over me like a rash when the cameras were turned off. Maybe I'll have better luck with his on-screen niece, Dr Esther Samuels. Ngahuia Piripi, AKA Dr Esther Samuels. Close your eyes. What? (GRUNTS) (YELLS, SOBS) Actor, MC, social influencer, Maori language ambassador. Ka mau te wehi! You've got a lot of things on there. I know. When do you sleep? Did you shit yourself at the audition? You always do. I've actually auditioned more than once ` Yeah. so for a couple of other characters, which obviously I didn't get. Ula. Yeah. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) And Roimata. Oh, how old are you? Roimata was` I'm 21, obviously. (LAUGHS) Make that 50. Cos that's` (CHUCKLES) We're all liars here. Cos I'm actually only for` 24. Were you prepared for the fame that comes with being a Shortland Street star, or was it a shock? No, I was not prepared. Yes, it was a shock. You were like, 'What the`? (YELLS) They're mauling me!' Somebody asked me to sign their bra in a supermarket. Their tit would be... She comes up to me, pulls her top up and goes, 'Hey, (CHUCKLES) can you sign my bra?' (CHUCKLES) And I was just like, 'Ooh! I'm so` I don't have a pen.' She goes, 'Oh, OK.' Is that it? Puts her top down. Walks around, comes back with a pen that I'm pretty sure she might have just got off the shelf. Yeah, stolen. Like, 'Hey. I've got a pen now. Can you sign my bra?' Ew. 'All right.' Sign her bra, and then she goes, 'Great. My boyfriend's gonna love this.' Ew, that's so weird. What else? Um... Dish the dirt. Dish the dirt. People think you're a real doctor. Oh yeah. So it's like, 'Oh, can you look at my fanny, or`?' (LAUGHS) 'Oh, I've cut my foot. What do I do? You're a doctor, right?' You know, I'm a fake doctor. Yeah. But if people do ask, just say, 'Piss on it. I know what I'm talking about. Piss on it. 'And if it really doesn't work, shit on it.' (LAUGHS) One lady, she was like, 'I just have to ask you. Are you Esther off Shortland Street?' 'Uh, yeah.' 'Oh yeah. I definitely had to ask you, 'because you're so thin, but on TV you're so huge.' (GASPS) You are so not huge. CHUCKLES: I was like, 'OK.' I always get, 'You're just fat, 'like, on TV, off TV,' and` oh, or, 'Oh, you look way better with no make-up,' or, 'You look way better with make-up. You'd look better with this.' And I'm like, 'I don't give a fuck what you think. Suck my dick.' Backhanded compliments. You're not a great believer in the saying 'don't screw the crew', are you? Hmm... (LAUGHS) Well, you and your Shorty co-star, Teone Kahu, did a smoochy couple Woman's Day spread, didn't you? How did you guys meet? Well, you screwed the crew, didn't you? (LAUGHS) OK, but to be fair` Don't screw the crew! Wait. (LAUGHS) He came here then left, and then now we're a thing and... How long have youse been together? Maybe a year or two. Do you and Teone have a pass out ` you know, like, a person you're allowed to get with if you get the chance? For me, it's Hilary Barry... (LAUGHS) ...or Sonny Bill Williams. Allahu akbar. Tom Hardy. (GASPS) (MOANS) He's just, 'Ah!' What would Teone's be? I don't know. Someone like Beyonce, maybe? Maybe it's you. (GASPS) I'd so crush him. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) I would. I would. And end. (PANTS HEAVILY, SIGHS) - Chris Warner's looking at my tits. - (LAUGHTER) * Who's next in this cluster-fudge of soapy madness? Well, as they say in Australia, (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) 'I didn't come here to fuck spiders, did I?' It's time for the big kahuna, the one and only OG doctor, Chris Warner! - (CLACK!) - Kia ora, Dr Warner. Kia ora. An acting legend. AKA Michael Galvin, AKA 'Is that your penis?' (CHUCKLES) That's... Yeah. Yeah, it is. Oh. Looks lovely. Let's get straight to the penis. OK. Please tell me that is not your penis. Are you haunted by it? Do drunks yell it at you at Macca's at 3.45am and`? It's almost a thing that exists more on the internet. And if I went on to the internet, I would experience it, but not in real life so much. Do you not go on the internet? Early on I went on the Shortland Street website. You know, a positive comment, and then it's like, 'Ah, I just saw Chris Warner try to cry in a scene. 'Jeez, it was crap. The women do it so much better. And when did he get so fat?' So, did you get better at crying? (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I just think about that comment, actually, if I wanna cry. Was Shortland Street in colour when you started? (LAUGHS) Yeah, but they filmed it on those cameras where you had to go like that. OK, quick recap ` Dr Warner has had how many kids? Six kids. Six kids and` Six or five marriages. Jesus. Maybe six. How many times have you been admitted to hospital in the show? Well, I've had cancer. Bless. I'm really sorry. I know. And I've been shot. Aw. And I was a drug addict. Oh, oh! I know. I was flying on a flying fox, and I injured my brain. And I started talking to hedgehogs. The things they do to you. Have you ever tried to escape before? If they're keeping you against your will, blink twice, and I'll create a diversion, and you can make a run for it. (LAUGHS) They're not keeping him against his will. He blinked once. (PANTS HEAVILY, SIGHS) (CLACK!) All right, Nurse. What do we got` Ooh. This is Anika Moa. She's a geriatric pregger. (GASPS) She reckons she's about to pop, but I think it's just a massive fart. (GLOVE SQUEAKS) Oi, don't talk about me like I'm a side of lamb, please. You're right. That's very unprofessional, and it's also inaccurate, because I wouldn't say lamb. I'd say more mutton. Yeah, lamb's kind of pushing it. The baby's coming. Shut up, both of youse. (BEETHOVEN'S 9TH SYMPHONY) CHUCKLES: Oh, I've got a baby! Thank you. CHUCKLES: Oh. Look at it. And thank God it's brown. Oh, why shouldn't it be? Oh, well, cos I slept with Ben Mitchell and Ben Barrington in the same week, so... (CHUCKLES) You ho! Thanks, babes. Now hold this. I need a drink. Yeah. Taxi! Tell me about the infamous musical episode and why no one saw it. Ah! Oh, it was so shit. (LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) The only time in Shortland Street we've actually` ...really tried. We rehearsed maybe once. We really tried. # Rejoice, rejoice! # I had lots of rehearsals, choreography. We recorded all the music separately. We did everything like this. # A glorious kingdom # is nigh. # (APPLAUSE) It was so crap. But nobody saw it, because it aired on September 11th. 9/11? Yeah. RAPS: # You might have told her that yours you're gonna make her. # That's just another lie. You're nothing but a faker. # No one wanted to see Chris Warner rap. Can you do it? (BEATBOXES) (VOCALISES) Yeah. # Anika Moa. (CHUCKLES, BEATBOXES) # Could I go any slower? Ooh. # Anika Moa. # (LAUGHS) How's that? MEEKLY: So good. (INHALES SHARPLY) It's slowing down. That feels very ironic now. No, I can't clap properly because my tits are too big. (LAUGHS) Look at it. Look. See? That's a good excuse. No, but look at my tits. They're too big. Look. All right, I'm looking. Yeah, yeah. Yes, I looked. - Chris Warner's looking at my tits. - (BOTH LAUGH) LAUGHS: Only cos you asked me too. No, I didn't. I didn't. (LAUGHS) We'll edit that so it looks like you're just looking at my tits and I didn't ask you to. (LAUGHS) Yes, that's (LAUGHS) pretty much what I thought. LAUGHS: No. Something special happened on that episode, though. (GASPS) Chris and Rachel kiss for the first time. (GASPS) Dearest princess. (PIANO GLISSANDOS PLAY) Oh, that would've been... Yeah. ...very... Mm, quite dull. (LAUGHS) And it's always dull, even if it's someone hot or you fancy. Do you kiss with tongue or just`? Oh, Lord, no. MUMBLES: Like that. No, I try not to kiss like` exactly like that. Do it on your hand, like... (SENSUAL MUSIC) (MOANS) (CONTINUES MOANING) Well, see, that's fantastic. I don't know about the tongue. I wouldn't get away with that. (BOTH CHUCKLE) Has being a TV star in New Zealand been a good leg opener? Probably, yeah, probably. Men are usually more attractive if they're famous, but men are intimidated by the famous women. Oh. So I don't know how it is for women and women and men with men. Yeah. I think women seem to be more attracted to famous men. So it was a good leg opener for you. Is this what you're trying to say? Well, (STAMMERS) I can't. It was a long time ago. Cool answering (!) Hit the nail on the head there (!) Who do you get mistaken for? Shane Cortese. Oh yeah, I can see the resemblance. Yeah, the other day, literally, someone went, 'Hey, Shane.' Exactly. Who else? Just Shane. Not Shane Warne? LAUGHS: Shane Warne. Cos Chris Warner, Shane Warne. (WHIMPERS) Do I look like Shane Warne? Yeah, a little bit. Can you do an English accent? Like (STAMMERS) guv'nor. ENGLISH ACCENT: An English accent? You mean like that, Anika Moa? HIGH-PITCHED: Anika Moa! Can we get someone else? Can we get TK? This is the end of the interview. (GASPS) (LAUGHS) Yes, please. Oh my God, I'm pregnant! Oh, sorry, babe. That happens. No, it's good. (BOTH PANT HEAVILY) Are you uncomfortable already? I am a little bit, yeah. (LAUGHS) Ooh, that's a bit scary. Oh, hi. We're in the car. She's famous. BRITISH ACCENT: Why's that? Why's that funny? Uh... Think of something. Come on. (SNAPS FINGERS) Captions by Michaela Cornelius. Edited by Catherine de Chalain.