Have you read anything in my aura? I'm really sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. (LAUGHS) You from WINZ? No. (TASER BUZZES) That's a bit gay. Huh? What? Life can be dangerous when you're a dark tourist. (TENSE ACTION MUSIC) I'm off to meet David Farrier ` the kooky Kiwi who made the binge-tastic Netflix series 'Dark Tourist'. It's like taking a weird holiday. Some escapism before going back to your normal, dull existence. Oh my God. The level of radiation ` that's higher than around Chernobyl. Hey! Door's open! (MAKES BEEPING NOISES) Come in. Mm-hm. (SCANNER CLICKS) (SCANNER CLICKS RAPIDLY) Yeah. Oh, do I` (LAUGHS) See, this was always` This is always the worry. This is always the worry, right? (SCANNER CLICKS SLOWLY) (SCANNER CLICKS RAPIDLY) (SCANNER CLICKS SLOWLY) (SCANNER CLICKS RAPIDLY) (LAUGHS) (SCANNER CLICKS RAPIDLY) (CHUCKLES) Where's your room? Um... (LAUGHS) My room's down there. It's an OK house. We're just gonna stick into the lounge, I think. Let's have a look in your room. Come on. I` (LAUGHS) Show me in your room. (LAUGHS) It's so invasive! Oh, thank you. This is my room. That's rich coming from him! Oh! Yeah, I sort of have the room of a high school student. Yeah, you kinda do. There's, like, a lot of posters on the wall. You've got a kill list here. Who's at the top of your list? (SNICKERS) What the` What the hell? These are all my ideas for other documentaries and stuff. We should do one together! I always say 'kill list'. That's, like, my things I've got to do. OK. I'd love to do a documentary with you. I don't want` Tell them I'm not interested. I'm way too famous. OK. Let's get this done. There's an elephant in the room. I have to ask this, and I'm really sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. (BOTH LAUGH) Are you, or have you ever been,... Mm. from Southland? I grew up in Whangarei. Yep. But I roll my Rs because my best friend at school, who I had this huge admiration for when I was` Let's say 'crush'. ...14. Probably a crush. Little crush when I was 14. Yep. He rolled his Rs, and, like a complete creep, I started rolling them. When I was first reporting at TV3, Mark Jennings sent me to a voice coach to try and get rid of it, cos it was too distracting. (LAUGHS) It's not that distracting. But I just couldn't get rid of it, and also, it's me. Like, why wouldn't I do` Well, it's not really me, cos I just started doing it like a weirdo when I was 14. SOUTHERN ACCENT: So you're from the nerth, not the serth? (BOTH LAUGH) This is bullying! This is bullying now. No, it's not! I'll give you fucking bullying in a minute. (CHUCKLES) There we go. You want me to bully you? No. You fa(BLEEP). (SPLUTTERS) I don't wanna` is that all good? Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. What have you got next on your little cards there? (LAUGHS) I don't actually mean to be aggressive. Mm. Just your natural state. (LAUGHS) Do you think so? I think it might be. Wait, are you interviewing me now? No. Sorry. You continue. Don't tell me what to do. (LAUGHS) Anyway. OK. What's next? You were born on Christmas Day in a little town called Bethlehem. 'Jesus Christ, that must have fucked him up. No wonder he's a weirdo. Note - make sure you re-word the`' Oh! Sorry! (CHUCKLES) Sorry! I was born in Auckland, but then, I moved to Bethlehem when I was 11. But you were born on Christmas Day? Yes. OK. So fucked up childhood. (BOTH LAUGH) That's quite a leading question. My childhood was good. I was homeschooled, which some people find unusual. But it was fine. OK. So fucked up childhood. Yep. But it all came right when you did the AUT Communications course and waltzed into a job as TV3 entertainment reporter. I did so badly at AUT. I got a summer job doing airport security, and then, a friend of mine was at TV3 doing autocue, and someone, um, quit or died or something, and they needed someone to come in. (LAUGHS) And then, once I was in the newsroom, you just kind of rise up the ranks. So everyone is watching your shit-hot new travel show, Dark Tourist. (TENSE HORROR MUSIC) (FAKES SCREAMING) I'm into death. (GUNSHOT) How did you come up with the destinations? Like, we just would basically research our asses off for about a month. We tried to find a balance of stories. So we tried to find stories that were visually incredible, and then, we'd do stories that had sort of moral and ethical questions around it, like the Pablo Escobar tours. You know, with Popeye, who had killed 200 people, and now, he's, like, a YouTube celebrity. And then, we just tried to find stories that were just incredibly, like, out there. You know, real vampires in New Orleans, you know? People that think they need human blood to survive. See, genuinely` Blood's gross. It is gross. I was going to let them suck my blood, but then, after I had watched him, like, latch on to that boy's back, I was just like, 'I don't want you anywhere near me.' Just felt, for want of a better word, icky. Sorry about that. Sometimes, I get possessed by people. David, you've seen too many dark things, been to too many dark places. I'm worried about your aura ` your wairua. Come with me for a traditional Maori cleansing by my great-great-auntie Haurangi. # Haere mai, ki waho o te whare nei, e. # Right. Put this on. Put this on? It's a hood. It's... It's a, um, secret location, cos my auntie Haurangi doesn't want to know. OK? You comfortable? Yeah, I'm comfortable. Right. Let's go. Come on! Yeah. Yeah. We're just arriving now. Yeah. Do you want` do you want him to` do you want me to bring him in? Yeah. No, I'll drop him off. OK. Here's the leash. OK. Bye. Yep. All right. (LAUGHS) Yeah. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hi. You from WINZ? LAUGHS: No. No, I'm not from WINZ. Not from IRD? No. No CYFS around or anything, eh? LAUGHS: No. My great-great-niece told me about you. She said you had a lot of darkness in you. Can I take the hood off? No. Fucking leave it on. It's tapu. But when you come into this whare, you will be healed. You know what I mean? # O Rangi nei e # maia tangi nga e Rotorua, Whakatane` # (GASPS) Got your lead? Yes. You can come in, then. # Haere mai. # Great-auntie Haurangi, can I take my hood off? Not yet. I've got to feel the wairua for this shit. OK. You can now. They've said yes ` the spirits in the realms. Oh, kia ora! (LAUGHS) I've seen you on TV3. We don't have TV in my whare, cos we are spiritual. This is my mum. Love you, Mum. This is, um, a witch thing. LAUGHS: A witch thing? Yeah, this is for this tapu! Kaua e ta` e katakata kia e` Jesus. Fuckin' white (BLEEP) (SNORTS) So, you need a healing? OK? Yes. You need a healing. Good. I would like that a lot. Shh! Let me do the thing. OK. So this is gonna help. So this is gonna be 25% of the healing for an extra $200. I'll put this on your bill, K? (SPLUTTERS WEAKLY) (HOWLS) (SIGHS) You feel better? I feel good. OK. That was the wairua of the horn going through me, and then, I shat it out. (LAUGHS) It ran across the carpet. It's up your bum now. (LAUGHS) Now, catch. (LAUGHS) Thank you. If you catch one, it means you're not healed. So you're` this is working. OK. This is working. # What's the time, Mr Wolf? (LAUGHS) # What's the time? # 1 o'clock. Sing with me. # 2 o'clock. # 2 o'clock. BOTH: # 3 o'clock. 4 o'clock. # 5 o'clock. 6 o'clock. # (LAUGHS) # Haere mai e tangi o te Rangi e. Now, you're all healed. Thank you. Don't. Don't touch me. Don't look at me. Oh. Leave the lead for the next person. Kia ora! Ka kite. - (BELCHES) - (BOTH LAUGH) IRISH ACCENT: Your documentary, Tickled, was a roaring success. It was a weird time, cos it started as a fun sort of tickling story, and then, we started getting legal letters and that kind of thing, and it got a bit scary. A lot of that. It's a sexual thing, eh? Absolutely. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tickling is definitely a fetish for a lot of people. When I get tickled, I want to wee my pants, not... I mean, weeing is a thing for some people as well, right? Is it? If you can think of it, someone will be getting off on it. If you can think of it, someone will be getting off on it. (LAUGHS) What are you thinking of now? Cheese? Someone's getting off on it. (SHUDDERS) 'What's wrong with you? Are you slightly autistic or socially retarded?' (LAUGHS) That's from your Twitter feed. Yeah. Any other gems of abuse you got that you'd like to share? I can probably pull some up now. Ooh. OK. (READS TWEET) David Farrier is clearly just trying to be Louis Theroux. Well, that's pretty much most of the discussion. The shit version of Louis Theroux. Yeah. Yeah. There was a guy for a while that was just DMing me on Twitter, going, 'You (BLEEP)' And I'd just reply, 'Thank you.' I deleted that account, so` (LAUGHS) Your career has had so many high points, like when you interviewed Colin Craig in the sauna. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (PURRS) But when you're dead, it will be the one thing that people will talk about. Can you guess what it is? No. I don't know. OK. It was, um, the time you paid for in-flight Wi-Fi to post a picture of a toy hamburger on Twitter. Oh, God! Mm. Yeah. Always. When we landed, I already had people messaging me from different news networks around America, wanting to interview me, wanting to interview the woman. That's what people are into, in, you know, in 2018 ` is a burger on a plane. Yep. Good to know. Legacy ` burger on a plane. (GRAND FANFARE) (BABBLES, LAUGHS) Have you read anything in my aura? (TASER BUZZES) That's a bit gay. Huh? What? * (EERIE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) I'd always thought there was something spooky about Wellington. Apparently, the Dalai Lama got back on the ferry when he landed here cos he could sense the evil vibes. I've come to this godforsaken place... in search of the truth. Recently, the reality show Wellington Paranormal has shone a light on the dark forces at work here. So I'm off to meet one of the investigators ` Officer Karen O'Leary. Welcome to the Wellington Police paranormal unit. You are the only two officers to have set foot in this division. I believe this is a UFO. Um, I believe that's a hubcap. How's it going? Kia ora. Officer O'Leary. Yes. I have to ask you the question on everyone's mind. Mm. Is Winston Peters a vampire? Um, certainly, he's got some issues, but that's not for me to talk about. Are ghost chips fattening? I mean, certainly, they would have a lot of saturated fat. Yeah. Um, but, I guess, if you were in a position where you were having to eat ghost chips, that's never gonna be good for you or your whanau. So I would try and say just avoid ghost chips at all costs. Are there any warlocks or witches in the Greater Wellington area that we could interview? There is actually a witch doctress we've got under surveillance at the moment. She has some sort of a third eye ` like a seeing ability. Does she live under a bridge like a troll? No, no, no. She just lives out in Lower Hutt. Can I have those details? I probably shouldn't really give them to you. Come on! Look, she's easy enough to find on Facebook. Come on! You're not actually allowed to touch me. Come on, twinkle toes. No. That's enough. Thank you. OK. Thank you. OK, Google, I need a search for, I dunno, witches, third eye, Lower Hutt. PHONE: Search results for third eye, Lower Hutt. We have Specsavers, Queensgate Shopping Centre, and Sue Nicholson, psychic medium from TV show Sensing Murder. Thanks, Google! Right. OK. So we're at someone's house who may or may not be a witch. But let's go and` let's go and meet her and investigate, eh? Look. Ooh, witchy symbols. I'm just about to knock` (GASPS) Hello! (LAUGHS) Welcome! Oh my goodness. How did you` Hi. I'm psychic, you see. How did you know? I know. I'm psychic. I know everything. Hi, Sue! A knife on... A black handle. I see a black handle. About that big. It's about this big. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Hello, Sue Nicholson. Hello! Psychic medium, spiritual counsellor. Yep. Yep. Are you a witch too? When you do this job, you get a white witch, which I would say I was, which is good things, good vibration. And then, there's some who are the black witches, who do not very nice things. A little bit racist, but that's cool. Yeah. So you became a household name thanks to Sensing Murder. Yeah. Did the bookings really take off after that went to air? Sensing Murder actually launched me, catapulted me, into the public eye, and there's the good things, but there's also the not good things. It's very, very, um... stressful. The cases I'm dealing with, and what I'm seeing and being shown, is not good, you know? Traumatising. A person being stabbed 39 times, and she was pregnant. It doesn't leave you. I remember every single case I've worked on. Can you read anything in my aura right now? Let's have a look. OK. OK. You've got a lot of purple in your auric field. I'm a lesbian. Purple is very spiritual. It's a very spiritual colour. You're an eight vibration. What does that mean? That's your numerology. Eight is about balance, yin and yang. So moods can go like this, you know? Your moods. Do you understand? That's normal for me. Yeah, moods. Like, 'Whoa! Bit moody.' OK. You brought your guitar as well, haven't you? (LAUGHS) I'm not saying. Yeah, I did! I did. I did. We're gonna have a sing-song later. Are we? Yeah. Did the producer tell you that? No. BOTH: # Talking it over, just the two of us. Just us two. Oh, and your people. (LAUGHS) # Working together, BOTH: # day to day. # Together. # Together. BOTH: # Together. # I want everyone to sing all above your head, now. Can you tell me what sex my baby is, and what name I'm gonna call him or her? OK. Cos I think it's a girl. Thing is you're not meant to know that, because it's like opening your Christmas presents before it's Christmas. OK? What is the sex of my` what's the point in coming here to Wellington...? Let me just feel. Maybe a girl. I'm feeling pink. (GASPS) Feeling pink. But` Yeah. No, that's very... No. But it could be 'they' and wear pink. So you're not saying girl or boy? Not at the moment. Is that a massage chair? Yeah. Do you want to come in? Yeah. Thank you. It massages places that no one else can go. Is that all right? (SIGHS, GROANS, GASPS) NORTH ENGLISH ACCENT: So you watch Sensing Murder every Wednesday, and you're like, 'I'm going in my chair.' We're gonna elevate you back. Oh, that's amazing! Yeah! We can` we'll` (MIMICS VIBRATION) It's doing my bumhole. Yeah, it is. It's very weird. I was in there last night. It's actually massaging my rectum. Yeah. This` You're in the relaxation one. My perineum. (SIGHS) This is beautiful. Isn't that nice? (BUZZING HIP HOP MUSIC) * Quick-fire round, now. No dithering, talking to the dead, or channelling Napoleon, OK? And sit up straight! Do dreamcatchers work, or are they just dust traps? Um, I like dreamcatchers. They do look nice, and I suppose the Red Indians say that` I would accept a yes or no. Uh, so, yeah. Have you ever farted during a reading or had to endure a real stinker from one of your clients? Yeah. (LAUGHS) Do many people ask you a lot about Lotto numbers? Yeah, and I'd just say to them, if I knew them, I wouldn't be sitting, talking to you. That's true. But just for future reference, can you write six Lotto numbers on this, please? Yep. Yeah. OK. That bit's over. Yeah. Did you hear that crack? What's that? Spirit. You sure it's not your house, and it's a bit creaky? It could be. (LAUGHS) So have you seen much of the paranormal stuff here in Wellington, like on that reality TV show 'Wellington Paranormal'? I've seen it, but it's actually a comedy. No, it's` No, it's real. No, it's comedy. It's really funny comedy. No, it's real. It's a comedy. It's real! No. (LAUGHS) I'm sorry to burst your bubble. I'm so angry! (GRUNTS) (LAUGHS) It's a comedy! Bloody hell. (GRUNTS) SOFTLY: Bloody hell. - (BANGING ON DOOR) - Hurry up! You` you're not a pig! You're just a normal person in a red Adidas tracksuit. Can I help you? Hi, I'm Anika. Kia ora. Would you like to come in? Can I come in? Yeah, come in. Cheers. Come on. You seem a bit stressed out. I mean, I'm a little bit. It's all right. Come up. Do you have any herbs? (LAUGHS) I don't. No, I don't have any herbs. DISTORTED: There will be buckets of blood! She's scaring me, O'Leary. Can you do your bad cop? Oh, yeah. Stop that. It's a bit scary. Ow! How excited were you when Wellington Paranormal became a reality? Did you think you'd been pranked? Oh, heavens! Um, can you cut out that 'Oh!' that I just did? Cos that sounds really weird to me. (LAUGHS) Anyway, I was really excited. Absolutely thrilled. Couldn't believe it. I mean, talk about` Did you pinch yourself? A jammy git. A jammy git! (LAUGHS) Yeah, that's what I felt like. Yeah. I still do feel like that. Hang on. So is Officer Minogue not a real cop either? You have great chemistry, by the way. Thank you. Yes, we do, don't we? (LAUGHS) Um, I'm pretty sure he's not a real cop, or is he? Just an actor? I couldn't possibly comment on that. You'd have to ask him. Do you get on? Do you go out for family weekends away now? He's not in my family. Cool. I mean, we're just, like, work partners. We're not like 'partner' partners. He might be really sad to hear you say that if he ever watches this show. He doesn't. I've already asked him, cos we're really good friends. We go out all the time for, like, family dinners and that. Do you? Yeah. That's so beautiful. I know. It really is. Can you do the death drop? - (THUD!) - (LAUGHS) Was that it? It wasn't it, eh? You're an actress/mother/child farmer. How did you get into child farming, or running early childhood detention centres, or whatever you call it? Yeah. Yeah. My life ambition was to go and join the police force ` the actual, real-life police force. As a lesbian, I thought that was a natural progression to make. Absolutely. So I was gonna do PE, go to Dunedin, join the police force. But then, I happened to, um, meet a few police officers in my youth. Yeah. Which meant I probably couldn't actually join the police force any more. Um, so I'd always been kind of keen on teaching, you know? I thought I quite like, you know,... Kids. (LAUGHS) ...the feeling of power. You know, you're imparting your wisdom on to others, and making them the person they should hopefully be. It is basically child farming, though. You keep them penned in all week, then you send them off to work or home, and you get a fee per head. That's farming, though, isn't it? Am I right? Am I right? I mean, it's not like I grow them there. Oh, no. Actually, I do grow them. I grow their minds, absolutely, and their spirits, and their wairua. Ae. Kia ora mo te... So I do certainly grow them, but then, I don't sell them as food. OK. They don't get sent to an abattoir, do they? At the end of being at my early childhood centre. You obviously love working with tamariki. Aye. Why? Why? Yeah. Oh, I just reckon they're choice as. SOFTLY: Daisy, on your bed. They are beautiful, aren't they? Aren't they? They're lovely, you know? They're the most honest people we've got in our country, I think. Yeah. And especially` as long as you're not their parent, (LAUGHS) then they can just be really lovely, respectful, and fascinating, fun, engaging. You know? At night-time, Natasha and I lie in bed and say, 'Oh, I love our children.' And I love them so much! That's a bit gay. And then` Huh? What? No. Sorry. Carry on. And then, in the morning, when they wake up, ooh, they're like, IMITATING CHILD: (CRIES) I want some food. You are supposed to feed your kids. So them asking for food is actually` Stop giving me grief about that. Let's talk about fame. OK. What about online trolls? Yeah, I had one of those. I had one of those straight away, as soon as the show was about to come out. Always get one. Yep. Someone said some very nasty things about me and my sexuality, which I found a little offensive. What would they say about you? Look at you! You're gorgeous! Well, they don't think that. They thought I was some sort of horrible dyke bitch` bulldog-type` Rug muncher? I don't even think of myself as butch. You don't look that butch in your Adidas tracksuit with your short, cropped dyke hair and your mannish features. Exactly. That's... (SIGHS) That scene in The Breaker Upperers where Mads and Jackie strip for you. Mm. Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Cut to clip. Are you guys strippers? HESITANTLY: Yes. (UPBEAT HIP HOP MUSIC) Were you aroused or were you just acting? Cos they so old and not sexy at all. Well, look, I mean, when I turned up for that role, I had no idea what I was in for, and they said to me, 'Look, we just want you to be, like, a sleazy lesbian.' And I said to them, 'Well, (SCOFFS). (WHEEZES, LAUGHS) 'I don't know where I'm gonna draw on that from, other than my entire 20s.' (LAUGHS) Um, but, you know, a great actor can work through that, you know? And I just tried to make the most of the opportunity that I had, which was to watch Madeline Sami in her undies, which actually was quite entertaining. Do you want me to do a sexy dance that will be way better than those dowdy cows from The Breaker Upperers? Yes. OK. (GROOVY FUNK MUSIC) (TASER BUZZES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (GROUP LAUGH) - You don't all look a day over 45. Kia ora, TrueBliss, and happy birthday. Flash cars here. Someone's done well for themselves. Hands up if you have ever... Oh, shit. (IMITATES BUZZER) That's a no from me. Let's do it. Let's do it, TrueBliss. Captions by Cameron Grigg. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019