(SIGHS) Who's the, uh, deceased, Sarge? Well, uh, this may shock you. I didn't even know we had a morgue in here. Who's this poor guy? (YELLS) ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) Captions by Maeve Kelly. Edited by Glenna Casalme. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019 (MUSIC CONTINUES) Does that mean I'm dead? Am I a ghost? No, of course not, Minogue. Obviously you're not dead, Minogue, and you're not a ghost, OK? Do you have a twin? No, I'd remember something like that. You'd better show them. (CLEARS THROAT) That's weird, eh? Mm. I've never... I've never seen anything like that in my life. This is a far-out-there theory, so maybe not for your ears. If you could... Please. Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) Maybe this is Minogue from the future, and he's travelled back to the present, but he died. What happened to my thingy in the future? Well, that's what we need to find out. Hmm. Looks like a quiet town. Yeah. Hard to believe that anything out of the ordinary would happen out here ` but then, I guess, it's sometimes the less-suspecting places where the weirdest stuff happens, isn't it? I suspect it's the most-suspecting places where it happens. So, we're here to question the proprietor of the local dairy, uh, before we head to the spot where the corpse resembling Minogue was found. Although it didn't exactly resemble me, did it? It sort of vaguely looked like me ` sorta like a deader version of me. But we're just gonna pop in here and have a chat to the owner, see what he can tell us, um, about the corpse that resembled me, just to see what he knows. Um, I guess while we're here, we could also double this up as lunch or sort of a morning tea situation. Um, we could both` I thought your brother Adam made your lunch today. Hmm. (DOOR ALERT BEEPS) Hello there. Gidday, mate. Hi, sir. (EERIE MUSIC) Have... Have we met before? Met before? Yeah. Have I met you before? He looks really familiar. I think I'd remember those eyes. (SNIFFS) OK. Um, look, sir, this might sound a little bit odd, but did you happen to serve a police officer in here yesterday who looked very much like my partner here? (SNIFFS) So, did you see anything? (SNIFFS) A police officer that looked quite a bit like my partner here? In fact, exactly like him? (TONGS CLATTER) Minogue, we're supposed to be investigating, (WHISPERS) not buying food. So you didn't see a police officer who looked just like this? You are one of the many. Sorry, wh`? One of the many what? You must go to the motel. No, we're not gonna stay here, I don't think, mate. There you will find the answers that you seek. Do you know your food's quite dusty? I'm pretty sure all of it is at least a year old. Look, um, sir, if you do happen to remember serving a police officer, um, please just give me a call on this number. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks, mate. Keep an eye out for Maisey? We're not here to investigate cows, Minogue. No, I know, but there's a $700 reward, so... little bit of pocket money? Eh? We'll keep an eye out. Look out for a cow with blue earrings. (DOOR ALERT BEEPS) I'm sure I've met that guy before. And what was with that 'go to the motel' business? Yeah, well, maybe he's just promoting local businesses. He's doin' a good job. Tell you what, the food was dusty, though. Oh, it was gross. Some of it was so old, it didn't even have an expiry date on it. Yeah, it's interesting, though. I mean, what d'you reckon it means? I'll tell you what it means. It means I'm gonna have to eat this salad that my brother, Adam, made for me. (SIGHS) I mean, can you call it a salad when it's just leaves? I mean, that's just lettuce leaves. Oh, gross. What? It's got a slug in it. I hate slugs. Oh. Yeah, well, don't waste it. I mean, just eat around it. So, we're here where the body of the deceased was found. As you can see, the outline of the deceased Minogue is in fact the exact same size as the, um... as the live Minogue is now. It's a perfect fit, O'Leary. Uh, you're not supposed to be in there. Nah, it feels weird. But you walk down the street, you would think that was me. Wouldn't you? If you saw that, you'd go, 'Minogue.' Straight away. I'm not sure that` No, not necessarily. Um, I mean, it was just uncanny that it was exactly the right... Uncanny. Yep. Oh, look. Reckon that could be the motel that guy was talking about. Well, surely there's not more than one out here. Wouldn't have thought so, nah, not here. I mean, it certainly does seem like a rather peculiar place. Mm. I mean, seeing the chalk outline itself is` is rather strange. It's not the sort of thing that we would do in the city, um, in our policing. Is it? No. Well, it's considered vandalism. It's strictly prohibited. That's` It's only chalk, though, isn't it? Well, that's what I said, um, but they didn't wanna hear it,... Mm. ...and I spent three days in the cells. What? What? My hat. Ugh. Slug's back. Look. On my hat. Well, just flick... flick it off. The slug's off now. If that comes in the car... Look, it's fine. The slug's off. (DOORS LOCK) (HANDLE RATTLES) Those guys are watching. Do you promise to`? Open the doors, Minogue. Do you promise`? Are slugs part of the worm family, or are they just snails that don't have shells? Well, no, they're... slugs. Yeah, I know they're slugs, but I guess my question is ` do we need to have slugs when we've already got snails? (ENGINE STOPS) I'll google it. Do you realise how amazing those things are? (KEYPAD TAPS) Do I? It's a muscular foot. How much do you need a muscular foot? Well, if you've only got that as your whole body, I'd say quite a lot. If you saw a big enormous foot going down the road, would you think that was great or gross? I'd think it was interesting. Hmm. It'd be interesting ` Yeah, so there you go. once. Why only once? We don't need millions of them around the place. Well, that` One of them in a zoo, and that's it. We could see a documentary on it and leave it at that. Minogue? What? I'm reading about slugs. It's quite interesting. See, I didn't realise that slugs actually have green blood. (MUFFLED SPEECH CONTINUES) (DOOR ALERT BUZZES) (SINISTER MUSIC) O'Leary. Minogue, I-I thought you were staying in the car. Classic O'Leary. How did you get in here before me? Mm. Interesting. It says, 'Slug, or land slug, is a common name 'for any apparently shell-less terrestrial gastropod mollusc.' (DOOR ALERT BUZZES) Wonder how they all lost their shells. Sad, really. Certainly not optimal. Just part of the job. Well, I guess so. Still, if they had a shell, they'd seem less gross. I can't touch them. Certainly not optimal. Just part of the job. It's not optimal, certainly. You OK, O'Leary? (YELLS) (ROARS) (ENGINE STARTS) (GRAVEL CRUNCHES, TYRES SQUEAL) Where's our car going? Well, you took off with it. I was telling you some interesting facts about slugs, and then you turned around and looked at me with your pus-y face, and then I got out, and now I'm here. What'd you do that for? N` Well, no, cos it wasn't me. Huh? Well, I just met a copy of you that wasn't dead. I think we've stumbled across some sort of cloning scenario. There are exact copies of us here. What did the exact copy of me look like? Well, looked like you. Handsome? Kinda like a, you know, constantly surprised Edmund Hillary. Like... But how do they know what we look like? I've never been to this town before, and I haven't got any friends that do cloning that I know of. Maybe it's some sort of Jurassic Park situation, and they've got our DNA? They're makin' an army of supercops, and they're usin' us as the blueprint. Can you close that? They're really tricky. Kia ora. Sergeant Maaka speaking. Kia ora, Sarge. It's O'Leary here, from work. SOFTLY: Say gidday from me. Ah, O'Leary. How's it going over there? Good. Um, Minogue says hi. Um, it's actually pretty, uh... pretty peculiar here. We've identified some people that look exactly like us, and` SOFTLY: Tell him my theory. Hang on a sec. Uh, and to some degree, they behave like us too. Mm. Um... Tell him my theory. What? My theory about the... Yeah. Um, so, Minogue does have a theory. Um, he thinks potentially they've used our DNA to make an army of supercops. SOFTLY: You gotta go up. Sell it. 'Supercops!' RISING INFLECTION: Su-Super cops. What, from you two? Hmm... Uh, apprehend those clones and bring them into the station. Yeah, bringing them back's gonna be a little bit, um... bit tricky, just because, um, they have` See that? What? See that? No, I didn't. Um, they have actually taken our patrol vehicle. OK. Uh, I'll be there as soon as I can, OK? Copy that. Sarge out. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11... Minogue` ...12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18... Minogue, what are you doing? Look, I know there's one of the you's in here, so why don't we just arrest that one? Well, I sort of feel like we should arrest the you, because you were the one that stole the car. Yeah, but she's gone in the car,... Mm. ...so why don't we just arrest this one over`? OK. (FLY BUZZES) You kinda look like... Not optimal. Not optimal. Not optimal. ...her. Classic O'Leary. Not optimal. They're the originals. Copy that. Classic O'Leary. They must be detained. They must be detained. Classic O'Leary. Copy that. They said they're gonna detain us. Right, we've gotta arrest one of them. Not optimal. Not optimal. I'm gonna arrest the me's; you arrest the you's. Minogue, you're under arrest for impersonating Minogue. Requesting assistance! (COUGHS) Get it off, O'Leary! I'm trying! It won't move! Get it off! (CHOKES) Go that way, that way, that way. That way, go! Go! You all right? (PANTS) That is assaulting a police officer. Yeah, well, it wasn't me. No, I know it wasn't you. It was the alien. It was the clone in my name. It wasn't me. I know. They are disrespecting the uniform,... Yeah. ...and that was completely unsafe. And you ` they were disrespecting you, and he was disrespecting the relationship that we've got,... I know. It's outrageous. ...because you might be mad at me now. They are the originals. They must be detained. Copy that. What? Copy that. Not optimal. Listen, O'Leary. Travelling. Copy that. (SNARLS) Travelling! Travelling! What's your assessment, O'Leary? Um, I think we should run. Run. Run! Copy that. Copy that. Travelling! (CLONE SNARLS) * (TENSE MUSIC) Come on, come on. Come on! Come in. Quick, shut the door. Shut the door! (DOOR SLIDES, SLAMS) Can't believe I lost my cuffs. Don't worry. You can get another pair. Well, it comes out of my pay. That's the third time that's happened. I'm gonna start wearing them now so I don't lose them. Look, here's what we're gonna do, OK? I'm gonna write an M on your forehead; you write an O on mine. That way, if we get split up, we'll know who the real us are, OK? M for 'me', O for 'other copy'. Minogue, O'Leary. Copy. There you go. OK. Right, I'm gonna ring Sarge. We need backup. Oh, they got a spa pool. (KEYPAD TAPS) And it's open 24 hours. You know, most spas, they close at 10pm. Sarge. Yeah, hi, Sarge. Yeah, it's me. Say hi for me. Say hi for me. Hey` Yeah, um, look` (CONNECTION CRACKLES) Sarge? Sarge? And it's got` They've got three Sky channels as well. This place isn't bad, actually, except for the clones of us that are trying to kill us. Anyway, we've gotta find a way out of here. Check the window. MUFFLED: O'Leary? No. No, that's not a good idea. That's no good. OK, um... That looks like the worst place to go. Minogue, we need to find a way out of here. MUFFLED: Optimal. Optimal. Hmm. MUFFLED: Copy that. (GASPS) Thought that was another one of them. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) OK, the coast is clear. Minogue! Minogue? MUFFLED: Optimal. MUFFLED: Copy that. Minogue! Copy that. Optimal. Copy that. Optimal. Copy that. Copy that. Minogue! Optimal. Optimal. Not optimal. O'Leary. Classic O'Leary. (BIRDS TWITTER) MUFFLED: That's so true. (MUFFLED CHUCKLING) You got a great sense of humour, Minogue. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) O'Leary! Jump in. Yeah, O'Leary, jump in. Minogue? Well, you've both got M's on your heads. How can I tell who's who? I'm the Minogue you know. Well, why do you both have an M on your heads? Because I put an M on his head. Why would you do that? Cos it defeats the whole purpose of why I put an M on your head in the first place. Well, it's so I can see him in a crowd, in case we get separated. I came down here to check the spa out, we got to talking. Turns out we got a lot in common. His M stands for 'mate'. Hey, this cloning business is pretty interesting, right? You guys part of a new batch, or have you been around for a while? Oh. Um, ye-yeah` yeah, we're the new batch. Really? You come out pretty good, all things considered, cos a lot of the new ones are a bit (SNARLS). We're gonna start a podcast. It's called Two Minogues in a Spa. Or M1 and M2 Talk Rubbish. OK, so, um, what's our plan, again? You know, from one clone to another? Well, no real plans. We just take over country, I guess. Oh, yeah. Take over the country. Can you just remind me again how we're gonna do that? Well, the normal way ` metamorphosising, cloning, infiltrate the major cities, take over the humans, eat the humans. You never mentioned that, Minogue. Yeah, we're gonna talk about it in our podcast. Should be pretty easy, considering we're totally indestructible. - Yeah. - (BUBBLES GURGLE) - Ooh. Scuse me. (CHUCKLES) Yep. (EXHALES) No weaknesses whatsoever. Nothing can kill us. Nothin'! - (THUD!) - (GROANS) Mate, help me! What's happening, mate? I think I'm dying! He says he's dying, O'Leary! Well, look, I'm` what am I supposed to do about it? (GURGLES, CHOKES) I don't know. Give him mouth-to-mouth. But look ` can you see that? What? Well, he's collapsed, and now, look, the slugs are eating his body. (GROANS) Help me! Slug got me! Slug! Yeah, he's talkin' about the slugs now. He's saying 'slugs'... YELLS: Sluuu`! (GRUNTS) Slugs. He's blamin' it on the slugs. I'd call that a fairly big weakness. See, I think this is what happens when you're open 24 hours and you've got no time to do spa maintenance. I just really feel like spa maintenance is not the bigger issue here. Well, I think the slugs come in here, and they just treat it like a home. You need to be able to get in here and wash it down ` give it a hose and sweep it out. I mean, it's obviously, uh` In policing, we never like to see this kind of thing. Fatalities are never good, um, no matter who is the deceased, but I think, end of the day, um, this... this thing ` being, clone, what have you ` um, certainly had bad intent, so... we're not too worried about it. Personally, I've got mixed emotions. Um, I've got mixed emotions. Mixed? Sad to see him, um, dead, cos he looks exactly like me, but also happy that he's gone, uh, because he's actually an alien that was planning on wiping out the real me ` and the real O'Leary, I could only assume. Doesn't look like you any more. Look at him. He's a bit melty, isn't he? It's grim. Mm. Can I just suggest next time you wanna have a spa, you do it when you're off-duty? Sure. (DISTANT FOOTSTEPS RUMBLE) Hey. Listen. (RUMBLING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) What is that? That sounds like... Copy that. Copy that. CLONES: Copy that. Copy that. Copy that. Copy that. Copy that. WHISPERS: Where's the Taser? Copy that. Copy that. In the car. Oh God. Copy that. Copy that. Copy that. What's this? O'Leary. What? (CLEARS THROAT) Whoa. OK, who's the real Minogue? ALL: I'm the real Minogue. I'm a clone. Look, there's only one way to find out who the real Minogue is. I'm gonna ask you a question only the real Minogue would know. When's your mum's birthday? MINOGUES: January 25th. January 26. It's 26. MINOGUES: January 26. January 26. I think it's tw` Nah, it is, it's 26. They were right. January 26. Only the real Minogue would forget his own mum's birthday. You, come here. Yes! O'Leary? What? Looks like a dead end. Correct. I think we're gonna have to fight the army of me. (STRANGLED ROAR IN DISTANCE) (TENSE MUSIC) (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT) Wouldn't we have a better chance if we split up from the camera crew? Well, no, we've gotta protect all New Zealanders. OK? They're with us. I mean` Theoretically. Practically, it's` They can hear you. They can hear you. Yeah. WHISPERS: Hey, you guys all good? Stay close. I can't protect you if you're too far away. Where've they all gone? Ah, there you are. Sorry, guys, I just made it now. Everything OK? There's... There's dozens of them, Sarge. Mm. They're freaky. Yeah, and they seem, you know, kinda dangerous. Right. Quite dangerous. Good-looking, though, half of them. I thought they'd be dangerous too, not just good-looking,... Mm. ...but that's why I called the Armed Offenders Squad. So they've sealed off the premises and pushed the clones to the edge of the area so they can be detained. We didn't notice them arrive or anything like that, or... hear anything. Well, probably in stealth mode, something like that. (GLASS SHATTERS IN DISTANCE) Well, that sounds like a property damage in progress. Let's go. WHISPERS: Stealth mode. We're in stealth mode. Stealth mode. Stealth mode. (SHATTERED GLASS CLINKS) Must've come from in there. (GUTTURAL MUTTERING, SNARLING) There's heaps of them. Where's Sarge? Let's get outta here. No, no. Where's Sarge? He's coming. Sarge. Sarge. It's a trap. Looks like some sort of a nest. (CLEARS THROAT) All right, quiet, please, everyone. Let me have your attention. (MUTTERING SUBSIDES) Now, (CLEARS THROAT) I just wanted to say what a good job everybody has done today. I think the cloning has gone really well ` even though some of you still look a little bit deformed, and maybe your communication skills could use a bit of work. (RASPS) But that's just the nature of the beast, isn't it? Uh, our job is not yet done, though. I think the best way to adapt or assimilate the human lifestyle is to study them,... (HISSING, SNARLING) ...and then we eat them. Open it! I can't! It's locked. Take them to the cooler. It won't open! (STRANGLED ROAR) (ROARING, SNARLING CONTINUES) * Sarge, what are you doin' in here? (SQUELCHING, DOOR SHUTS) Hang on. How do we know it's the real Sarge? Yeah, how do we know? 'Course it's me. Don't be ridiculous. Hostile bunch of you guys took me hostage. Then one that looked like me took me hostage, threw me in this chiller and took my hat. I think I know what's goin' on here, guys. These aren't clones per se. What d'you mean? (CELL PHONE UNLOCKS) I'm about to show you footage from a year ago, when we encountered those alien plant life forms on the farm just up the road from here. (KEYPAD TAPS) OK, check this out. There's you guys. There's me,... Yeah? ...but I'd left moments earlier. And see that tendril`? Yeah, freeze-frame. (CLICK!) See that tendril there? Dead giveaway. And there's you guys. That's us. Yup. Zoom back out. But that's us. That's the real us. That's us there. Yeah. And we completely missed that. Unbeknownst to us, they escaped, all right, obviously, and took new forms ` our forms. Only now they've multiplied. There's more of them. I feel like a fool. Don't worry. It's a good lesson for all of us. Anyway, we need to get outta here, but we're locked in. (DOOR CREAKS) We're not locked in any more, Sarge. Clone me probably forgot to lock it when he threw us in here. That'd be typical. WHISPERS: OK, let's go. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (STRANGLED ROAR) Going somewhere, humans? (SNARLING) Hey, Sarge. Over here. Ju-jitsu? Ju-jitsu. (ROARS) (GRUNTING, SNARLING) (TENSE MUSIC) (SNARLS) (GROANS) PANTS: Uh, he seems to be instantly learning my ju-jitsu moves. (GRUNTING, SNARLING CONTINUES) What are you doing? When I get nervous, I eat. What?! Typical. MUFFLED: Well, don't take 'em! Shh, shh. Sarge, try the slug! (SNARLING CONTINUES) (SQUELCHING) (GAGS) (RETCHES) (COUGHS) I'm-I'm all good, guys. I'm all good. We're indestructible, didn't you know? (RETCHES, COUGHS) (SNARLS) (PANICKED SNARLING) Guys,... Great work, Sarge. ...the slug is its natural enemy. We need to contain these things, so arm yourselves. (SQUELCHING) OK, let's go. Wait, wait. All right. (TENSE MUSIC) (PANICKED SNARLING) They're so gross. Oh, I've got stitch. (GROANS) O'LEARY CLONE: Wait for me, everybody! (DISTANT RUMBLING) Uh, Sarge, we got a situation. Yeah, what? What situation's that? Uh, it's a spaceship situation. (CLONES SNARL, BEAM BUZZES) Travelling. Copy that. Travelling. Copy that. Travelling. Travelling. What...? Copy that. Copy that. (SNARLING SUBSIDES) (SNARLS) (GRUNTS) (PLAINTIVE MEOW) (SNARLS) (WHIRRING) (WHIRRING INTENSIFIES) (DEAFENING BLAST) Take me with you. Why did you say, 'Take us with you'? I` Uh, no, no. No, I was` Were you talking to us or were you talking to them? I was talking to myself. The threat has been contained, and the alien, uh, plant people have been eradicated from the face of the planet. Even so, you should still be on the lookout for people exhibiting strange repetitive behaviour. Mm. It just goes to show you can't trust anyone in this line of work ` even yourself. But if you do see anyone that looks like us, uh, please do report it directly to... us. Mm. How will they know? They have to make sure it's us. How will they know it's us? They'll, um... Just ask. We're members of the New Zealand Police Force, and we have to be honest. Correct. ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME)