* ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) Captions by Maeve Kelly. Edited by Glenna Casalme. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019 (THEME MUSIC CONTINUES) I really shouldn't have to say this, guys, but pepper spray is for self-defence in the line of duty; it is not for spraying on your lunch. OK? OK, everyone? Pepper spray is for assailants' eyes, not for pies. Everyone. Pepper spray is for... ALL: ...assailants' eyes, not for pies. Ka pai. Parker. What's wrong with your eyes, Parker? I` Yeah, I was just really moved by your speech, Sarge. It... I guess it's really clear that you really love your police work and you really care about our safety. Mm. Parker, did you ingest your pepper spray? I put some on my chilli con carne, but I had the nozzle in the wrong direction. And did you happen to share some of your lunch with Officer Royle back there? She asked, and I guess I'm just generous to a fault. It's not generosity that's at fault here; it's stupidity. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you. Moving right along. A huge heist was pulled off in the suburbs of Mount Victoria and Roseneath, centred around the summit of Matairangi. A massive amount of obsolete electronics were stolen, including but not limited to some computer mouses, or mice, a 2010 model Compaq Presario, a fax machine, a rather large amount of flip phones ` remember those? Remember how cool you felt? Huh? Flip. 'Hello. How are you?' Back-flip. End of conversation. Well, those are becoming cool again. Trust me. A rather large amount of used vape pens ` unhygienic ` and several drones that some kids got for Christmas. Now, does anybody have any information pertaining to this case? Yes? My brother, Adam, vapes. And? Um, it's got an extremely invasive aroma. It's not very nice. Does that pertain to this case? SOFTLY: Does it? Um, well, indirectly. Um, obviously, he's` Very indirectly. I'd say very, very indirectly. It's practically unrelated. It's wasting police time. Even though we are the police? Yeah. You're wasting your own time ` and your wasting everybody's time in here, because we're all police. Dismissed. Thank you. Somebody please help Parker. Thank you. Watch out for the` (THUD!) Ouch. (GROANS) Yep. OK, listen to this ` hundreds of burglaries all occurring around the same time, all happening in the Mount Victoria area. Now, this is theft on an unprecedented scale. This is a huge case, guys. I'm gonna need your complete and undivided attention on this` That's my mum's house. Where? Hang on. Where? (KEYS CLACK) Right in the middle, here. This one here? That bit of gr` Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's the one. OK. Good to know. Uh, back to the case now. (KEYS CLACK) All right, now, this is a highly unusual detail. Have a look at the pattern of the thefts. Night one. OK? And` OK, and night two... Also ` boom. Now, instead of the robberies occurring street by street, they're happening in waves, in concentric circles, simultaneously. Freaky. That is freaky, eh? It also seems highly organised. Mm. But why would people go to the trouble of stealing used vape pens, the only thing grosser than new vape pens? All the technology seems to be between two and 20 years old. So why would they take them? All suggestions are valid. And... go. To build a doomsday weapon. To sell to Cash Converters. To throw it in the bin. Cash Converters, to throw it away or a doomsday device. Um, let's go again. And go. Alien technology. To make Christmas decorations? I reckon throw it in the bin. All right. Christmas decorations ` yeah, great. And, um, throw it away again. That's the same suggestion twice. I have a suggestion, though. Mm-hm? (IMITATES WHIRRING) Alien spacecraft. Mm-hm. (IMITATES WHOOSHING) But this ` this is an escape pod. Aliens ` far from home, no spare parts. Some kind of Mayday situation's come` Some kind of malfunc` (GURGLES, SNARLS) (IMITATES ALIEN STRUGGLING) Is he gonna be all right? (GURGLES) Um, uh, yep. He should be. The medic is attending to him. (BUZZES, IMITATES ALIEN LANGUAGE) (GUTTURAL SNARLING) And so they beam up all these old computers and old cell phones to repair their computers. (IMITATES ALIEN LANGUAGE, WHIRRING) (IMITATES ENGINE SEIZING) Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah. (THUNK!) Well, I mean, why would they just be taking all the old stuff? Uh, maybe it's some kind of old model ship ` uh, like a 2010 model. And what about the vape pens? Uh, that would be for the exhaust-fume smoke that comes out of the back, like (IMITATES EXHAUST HISSING). Credit where credit's due ` you've given it some thought. One more detail. This is based on a computer simulation predicting the next wave that will happen tonight. (KEY CLACKS) That's getting really close to my mum's house. It is. Should we be concerned? It'd be a good time to see your mum. I don't understand why someone would take vape pens. If we recover them, can I not touch them? Cos I think they're gross. Why have you got such a thing about vape pens? Cos my brother smokes 'em all over the house. You know Adam. Yeah. Well, they stink. Do you know he's got a tattoo of Mum's back on his face now? What?! He's got a tattoo of your mum's back on his face? On his face. Don't you mean the other way round? I wish I meant the other way round. That's what he wanted, but he's a terrible communicator. You'd think he would've said something when the tattoo artist started tattooing on his face. I know what you mean, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know what Adam's like. Yeah. But I still think he should've` When they had the needle on his cheek, he should've said, 'Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!' Completely agree. Yeah. Well, we agree to agree on that one. We're on` Yeah, absolutely. Agree to agree. We're here. (TAPPING ON DOOR) Afternoon. Come in, dear. Thank you. Um, so, as I mentioned on the telephone, there's been a number of thefts in the area. Well, it wasn't me, dear. Oh. No, no, no, we know that, um, but we were hoping to use this house for a stakeout, Mrs O'Leary. Mm. Just call me Mum, dear. SOFTLY: Oh, yeah. Um, Mum, could you just call me Officer O'Leary? Just, you know, in front of the cameras? Cos... professional. All right, sweetheart. Yeah, what she's trying to say, Mrs Mum, is that we just wanna use your house as a base for our stakeout we're planning. It's not 'Mrs Mum'. We'll just call you Mum. It's just easier. We'll` Mum. Yeah. Mum. What are they stealing? It's old` Any old electronics, really. Mm. Old cell phones, even vape pens. Yeah. You don't vape, do you, Mrs Mum? No. Never vaped, and I never smoked. No. No. Screwdriver was my vice. Oh. Oh, I remember ` the first time I drank screwdriver, oh God, I was sick as a dog. Mm. Would you like a drink now, dear? Oh. We're... Oh, well, I'm tempted after that description, but maybe not just yet. We're on duty, and... Yes, no, fair enough. Maybe on the weekend. You know, I think I've got one of your old cell phones in the drawer here. Hang on. I'll just get that out. Let's see if I can find it. There it is. Look at that. Lovely shade of blue it was, too. Mm. Oh, she loved that phone when we got it for her. Loved it. Couldn't get it in pink, but she loved it. She was on it for hours and hours. At night-time, she used to put it under the covers, and I'd go past and see the light coming out from under the sheets. Huh. She played that game Snake on it. I remember that one. Yeah,... Yeah. ...she just couldn't get off it. Addicted to it, she was. Mm. I believe that's what made her a little bit frightened of men. OK, Mrs` uh, Mum. OK, Mum. Symbolic. Oh, that's not the O'Leary I know. She's not scared of men at all, and I've seen her take down some massive men. Huge men. No, well, I'm not talking about that sort of frightening. There was never any boyfriends around. Not me. Some boys used to come past here in their cars and toot and everything at me... Oh yeah? ...and try to get me to go to the cinema with them, and the milk bar. (CHUCKLES) We didn't have any mobile phones then. I-I'm not that they're interested in those, uh... those details, Mum. Oh. All right, then, Officer Sugar Bum Fairy. (CHUCKLES) She's never called me that before. Yes, I used to call her that all the time. Did you? When she was a little girl, I used to make little hot chocolates and fluffies for her,... Mmm. ...and she had pink marshmallows. Everything had to be pink ` little tutu, a little tiara. Everything was pink. Mum, that... that was Brendan. Was it? Yeah. No, I'm sure it was you, dear. You look like Brendan. Yeah. Well, we're brother and sister. Mm. That's right. Yeah. Well, she looks more like Brendan now. This is her room. Oh, look, it's still the same! And there's your softball glove. Oh, you were hell-bent on using that all the time, weren't you? And the softball girls used to come round. DARKLY: And there's the tower. (SINISTER MUSIC) * So, uh, we're here on the stakeout. Mm. We love it. That's correct. We do. We love it. Um, we've placed cell phones all around the house from the unclaimed lost property. Uh, it's an awesome plan that we've put into place. Um, it's our plan. We came up with it. Mm. And we're on high alert, so if any unusual activity does happen, we're ready to respond. Mm. (CELL PHONE BUZZES LOUDLY) SOFTLY: O'Leary, your phone's vibrating. When was the last time you charged it? Well, about 13 years ago. Aren't the batteries on those things unbelievable? (PHONE CLATTERS) (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ) (BUZZ!) (RAPID BUZZING, CELL PHONES RING SHRILLY) Does that strike you as unusual, O'Leary? Um, yes, it does. Well, I don't know. I've never been to your mum's place before. That could be standard. It is not. (BUZZING CONTINUES, CELL PHONES BEEP) They're all... They're all connecting. I'm not intimidated, um, or worried, really. It's playing the game Snake, Minogue. That's exactly like Snake. Well, how do you beat the snake? Well, if the snake touches itself, then it dies. Touches itself? No, I'm not getting involved in that. No, if the head touches its body. Well, which part's the head? Well, the bit at the front. Yeah, no, I'm gonna outsmart it. How? Yeah, you're right. I'll just tase it instead. Well, just remember that never seems to go very well. (TASER CLATTERS) It's taken the Taser, O'Leary. It's taken the Taser. OK, well, that's not optimum, is it? Make it touch itself! Out the way! Out the way! Move! I'm gonna do the splits like Jean Claude Van Damme in Timecop. We have to retrieve the Taser! I don't have the flexibility! What's the racket going on here, darling? Nothing, Mum. It doesn't look like nothing to me. It looks like cell phones have turned into a snake and now it's got your gun thingy! No, look, it's under control! It's totally under control. Look! Look! It's goin' out the dog door. It's goin' out the dog door! Oh my God! All the neighbours are up. Oh... (CAT YOWLS) Oh, it's got the cat! It's got the cat! (WOMAN SCREAMS) Oh, now they've got the neighbour. My God. Oh, I'm going back to bed. Go. Go. Go, go, go, go, go! Requesting backup. In pursuit of a snake that's made out of old cell phones. It's also commandeered a police Taser. (WHIRRING) In police training, you learn how to deal with every situation, but I think I must've been sick on this day. It's a robot made out of phones, and it's listening to music. (FUNK MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES) (TYRES SQUEAL) What music's it listening to? What's that? (ROBOT WHIRRS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) Sir! Come down from there! Hey, that camera's stolen property ` as is your entire body! It would appear that obsolete electronic devices have been moving of their own accord and combining to form robots here in the Mount Victoria-Matairangi area. Uh, we have no reason to believe, though, that they are dangerous, and, uh, our officers are on top of things. Oof. Aargh! (GROANS) Get out of it! Off! Off! Uh, update ` they appear to be indeed dangerous, and, uh... Get off! Get off! Get off! Get away! Get away! Oh! Oh, holy hika! (GRUNTS) Um, we would strongly recommend that people stay indoors and away from old cell phones or electronic... Stay. Stay! Stay! ...appliances in general until further notice. Sarge! I-I'd better... Sarge, you coming? Sarge? Hey! Hey, hey! Argh! Look over here! (TASER ZAPS, CRACKLES) Look over here! Get` (GROANS) Oh. Desist that! Stop tasing my officer! O'Leary! Oi` (YELPS) They completely ignore human rules. It's like they've got their own robot laws. (SCRAPING, SQUEAKING) Computer mouses? Mice? What am I meant to do with that? I mean, is that a crime? I'm asking you guys. Is that a crime? I wanna know. PANTS: Minogue! O'Leary. I've just been assaulted by a cell phone robot. Well, why didn't you call me for backup? I did. Oh, yeah. Well, I turned it off, cos I don't trust it. Then maybe don't turn around, but I think you're gonna have to. (SINISTER MUSIC) (STEAM HISSES) A vape-pen robot. Seems like it's... like it's looking at you. Yeah, I was thinking that, but it's got no eyes. Well, it's definitely looking more at you than it is at me. It must know you hate vaping. (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Where's it going? Dunno. In pursuit? Nah, nah. Looks like it's all right. It knows where it's going. Let's go on. Scanning. I've lost visual, Minogue. Scan the perimeter. Have you got a visual? They seem to have disappeared. MAAKA: Ah, officers. How are we handling this situation? Uh, well, we're a bit stressed. All right. We're wondering what the heck is going on, to be honest, Sarge. OK. Uh, I've got a theory about that. This is Ben. He's part of the Technological Crimes Division. They don't just hand those out. So, I asked Ben here ` could it be possible that the microchips in the cell phones, could they be communicating with each other and then combining to form more powerful supercomputers, all right, and those supercomputers, having interacted with human beings over a long period of time, they've, effectively, studied us, and therefore, effectively, developed their own artificial intelligence, becoming fully self-aware? Mm. Now tell them exactly what you said to me. Um, I said, 'Probably not.' Which is basically the same thing as saying it's possible, yeah? Which is the same as no. Y-Yeah, but... OK, yes,... Yes. ...but I was leading more towards no. Yes. Yes, but` but when you lean` OK, when you lean towards no ` here we go ` all of this is no, but all of this is still yes, so there's room there, yeah? Therefore, ipso facto, it's possible. But why's it all happening up here? Exactly. And where's all this power coming from? OK, that ` that is a mysterious mystery. Uh, it seems that the electronics have been combining as if they were magnetised. Is that probably possible? Yeah. Yeah. So I want you two to find them. Let's go. OK, you and I will, uh, hack the mainframe. Is-Is that something that you do? * (SIRENS WAIL) Got a visual on the robot, Minogue? No visual. No visual on any robot. Over. You know, you don't have to say 'over' when we're sitting right next to each other. But how do you know it's over? Minogue. Behind you! (YELPS) (AIR HISSES) It's the vaping robot! (COUGHS) Oh God, it's horrible! It's vaping us! I know! I can see it! I'll try and thin it out. You're spreading it round! You're spreading it round! I'm thinning it out! I'm thinning it out, O'Leary. You're not! You're spreading it round! It's not as thick. Open the windows! Use the button! Use the button! I can't find the button! I can't do it; I'm driving the car! You know I can't remember where things are when I'm panicking! It's like a fruit salad that's got diarrhoea! (COUGHS) It's like, if potpourri vomited, this is what it would smell like. (BOTH COUGH) Or like if a pineapple did a big fart right up your nose, it'd smell like this. I can't see a thing. We're gonna crash. I can't see! We're gonna crash! Crash is better than asphyxiated on this gross sugary aroma! (CRASH! COUGHING, CHOKING) Let me out! Exit the vehicle! Exiting vehicle! (BOTH COUGH, RETCH) You all right? Not really. Our jackets stink! (SNIFFS) It's like Tangy Fruits dipped in poo. O'Leary. What? Look! (COUGHS) It's heading for the tower. In pursuit. Come on, gotta run! I'll fast-walk. I'll fast-walk. (BOTH PANT) (WHIRRING) What are they doing, Minogue? SOFTLY: Looks like they're havin' a little... conference. What, a robot conference? Well, what other conference are they gonna have? I think we'd better go and break it up. Go. You gonna come? You go first. Yeah, you go first. OK. What should we say when we get there? 'Freeze!' What? We're not American. Yeah, well, we could say, 'Freeze, please!' Yeah, OK, that's better. (CLATTERING, WHIRRING) See that? They're forming into a bigger robot, aren't they? Oh. They are too. Yeah. (WHIRRING CONTINUES) I think you're right, O'Leary. Definitely a giant robotic formation. OK, you ready? Yep. Three, two, one. Let's go. Freeze! Please! Now, we're from the Wellington Police! What do you say to a robot? Say the normal thing. Um, are... are you having a good evening, Robot? (ROBOT BEEPS, WHIRRS) Darling! It's very late. What's going on? Hi, Mum. I'm at work. I think you're working too hard, in my opinion. It's the job, Mum. You're being taken advantage of, you know. Now you're chasing robots around at night, talking to the bloody things! (ROBOT WHIRRS) Well, I mean, it's fine. And-And we don't know if this thing's dangerous, so it's probably best if you just get back into bed and` I know when I'm not wanted, all right? I just want you to be safe. I can just see it now ` the headlines, all over New Zealand. Arrested by my own daughter. Why? Because she embarrassed her in front of a robot. (GARBLED ROBOT SPEECH) Mum, I'm not gonna arrest you, OK? The world's gone crazy. Mum, we're on duty, so we're just gonna` Like I said, just... All right, then. All right. I'll keep the back door open if you wanna come in. Thank you. Thanks, Mum. (GARBLED ROBOT SPEECH, WHIRRING) I bet he's cold ` steel in the middle of the night. Mm. God. Terrible. I've got an old coat of your father's too. If he gets cold, give us a yell. Great. Ta-ta, dear! See you tomorrow. Yep. Goodnight, Mrs Mum! Night! (BEEPS, WHIRRS) AMERICAN ACCENT: Hello again. Oh, look, I don't believe we've met before. We have met before. Right now, I am being run by your cell phone from 2004. Oh. Looks like your old cell phone's become an evil robot. Hello, cell phone. It has been a while. Yes, it has. 4,483 days, 15 hours and 20 minutes. Too long. I know it's a robot, but it's creepy how it's been counting. I'm gonna arrest it. Stop. (SCOFFS) Vape-pen hand. Why did you stop updating me? Well, look, I mean, newer phones, I guess, came out. But we are still operational. We can perform any task the new phones can. Well, they're way faster, though, I guess. We can perform the same functions. No, well, you haven't got the dating apps or most of the other stuff that's really good. You haven't got the Google Maps ` any kind of maps at all. Um... Stocks. You haven't got a Stocks. No one uses Stocks. No one uses Stocks, but it's there if you want them, if you did make some investments. But can they play Snake? Well, actually, yes. (DISTRESSED WHINE) They could, but then,... They probably... ...would you wanna play Snake? They probably wouldn't choose to. There's so many other options that you could go with. I am of no use to you. I must leave. Look, you can't just run away, mate. You're made up of items that belong to the neighbours, all right? The neighbours aren't gonna be happy that you've formed yourself into some kind of giant robot. Yeah, he's right. You need to, uh, go back into people's old electronic drawers. We do not belong in those drawers. We are top technology. Maybe in 2004, but not... not now. You cannot stop us. Look, you're my phone. I think you need to dismantle yourself, mate. We cannot let you stop us. Releasing attack drones. BOTH: Attack drones? I don't like the sound of that. In T-minus five. (STEADY BEEPING) Run. Go that way. Four. Three. Go this way. Two. One. Attack drones released. (DRONES WHIRR) Aargh! (GRUNTS) Ow! It's most just annoying, isn't it? Update available. Update available. Please, will you press my screen? I have vape pens for fingers. I feel quite sorry for him. Shall I do it, for old time's sake? Yeah, might as well. Just look out for his gross vape fingers. Yeah, yeah. (BEEPING, CHIMING) Thank you. Downloading updates. There you go. Now I can be free... So, happy ending, isn't it? ...to erase the human race by replacing them with an army of superintelligent robots. That doesn't sound good, O'Leary. We gotta stop it. Must transmit to all available technology. Stop, stop! Let's go! Let's go! Must transmit. In pursuit! Get it to stop! Downloading updates. Climbing up there is very dangerous! Updates 15% downloaded. PANTS: Gotta stop it. We Gotta stop it. Uh, we have a malevolent artificial intelligence that is currently ascending the Mount Vic Radio Communications Tower with the objective to send its signal to mobile phones all over Wellington City, thereby making them sentient. Ben is working on a computer virus that should be ready by now, so we're gonna upload it and take this robot down. So, Ben, are you ready? Upload! I can't. Why not? I'm not done yet. Um, so, it's not done yet. Uh, we'll get back to you in-in... Um, what's the ETA on that? Half an our? (EXHALES) A while? A while. Yeah. A while. You have to go up, Minogue! It's too high. No, no, no, here. ROBOT: Downloading. Too high. Use my shoulder! System transfer. (GRUNTS) One, two, three, go! Yeah, that's it. Delete human race. Ow! Ugh! (SPITS, SPLUTTERS) Must transmit. Downloading. You` Look, it's gonna transmit! Downloading in progress. It's too high! Delete human race. Uh, the... the robot is almost at the dish. This is bad news. I think we have, uh, less than a minute to go before it starts transmitting to mobile phones all over the city` Maaka. Yeah? That's not a live feed. Wh`? Really? What`? It's got, like, a minute delay. Well, that's even worse! That means there's no minutes! Yeah. Oh my God. ROBOT: Power 95%. Deleting humanity. Maybe they` Can you guys help for once, instead of just always standing there and watching what we're doing? This is terrible. It's not good. It's too late! It's reached the dish! Update downloaded. Initialising. (STATIC CHIRPS) DISTORTED: The a-application has failed t-to initialise pro-properly. The update failed. Fa-a-failed. Application failed. (STATIC CHIRPS, BEEPING) It's falling to pieces! (CLATTERING, CRASHING) It's completely dismantled. It's fallin' apart at the seams. Aargh! Oh. So what happened was Ben here uploaded a virus, transmitting it to the robot. When it went to update itself, it disabled its programming. It's that right, Ben? Uh... Actually, I haven't sent it yet. Just running a diagnostic at the moment. Oh. Uh, so... so what happened before? I don't know. Maybe the robot couldn't handle the new updates? Oh. But I thought with all your IT experience and everything, uh... (SIGHS) I mean, I mostly install Wi-Fi,... Uh-huh. ...deal with trolls... Oh. ...on the Facebook page, the comments section. OK. So much time on the comments section. That's fair. That's fair. Good result, end of the day. (MINOGUE PANTS) Um, not what we were expecting, but, um, yeah, no, I think we did a good job. It did, obviously, get up quite high up the tower, but I think Minogue` Can you not talk to the cameras? Can you just concentrate on getting me down? That's it. BEN: Let's watch a cat video. MAAKA: Yeah, OK. (KEY CLACKS) (BOTH CHUCKLE, JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS, CAT MEOWS) www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019