* ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) Captions by Maeve Kelly. Edited by Cameron Grigg. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019 (MUSIC CONTINUES) (KEYPAD BEEPS TO TUNE OF 'JINGLE BELLS') IMITATES COMPUTERISED VOICE: Access granted. Merry Christmas, Sergeant Maaka. Ho. Ho. Ho. NORMAL VOICE: Uh, thank you, computer. And the same to you. O'Leary, Minogue, welcome to the Paranormal Office Christmas party. You having fun? Uh` Um, yes. Well, I'm having a lot of fun, as you can see. Uh, what's the best Christmas present you ever got? Well, one time, when I was 10, I got this really great, um` it was, like, a pull-back police motorcycle. It had lights, and you pulled it back, and it drove itself. Oh, yeah. Great. Minogue. Mum got me school clothes. I mean, she got me a school uniform for the upcoming year,... Hm. ...which she said was generous, but I think she's` No, that's cool. Was that gen`? Was that cool? It was cool. See, one Christmas, I, uh,... when I was 6 years old, and I got a teddy bear with a tiny little police uniform. I loved it so much. Uh, it's actually what inspired me to join the police force. One day, it went missing. Where did it go? I-I don't know that. I launched a full investigation, and I even wrote it its own case file, as you can see. At the age of 6, you wrote a case file? Yeah. Anyway, I thought that, uh, we should do a bit of a Secret Santa. (CHUCKLES) There's only three of us, though, Sarge. It might be a bit obvious. Just humour me, O'Leary. (CHUCKLES) (PAPER RUSTLES) (EXHALES) 'Minogue.' Oh. 'O'Leary.' Do we get ourselves presents? Well, we'll go again. What should I get Sarge for Secret Santa? Ah! Now you've told me it's Sarge. That's who you're buying for. You're not supposed to let me know. No. I meant... if Sarge was my Secret Santa, what would I get him? He's not my recipient. I know what I'm gonna get the person that I've got. But you're better at keeping secrets than me. Correct. RT: Car Four, this is comms. Uh, need you to go to the Tawa Mall. Apparently, the Santa there has been making kids cry. Over. (RT BEEPS) Uh, yeah, copy that. We're on our way. I thought that's what Santas do ` make kids cry. No, they're supposed to make you feel all excited about Christmas. Yeah, well, that's not what they did. Well, what hap`? You'd go there and you'd sit on his knee,... Yeah? ...and then he'd say, 'What do you want for Christmas?' And you'd tell him,... Yeah? Yes? ...and he'd go, 'Don't like your chances, mate.' What Santa`? 'Not on my watch.' And then your mum'd come over, and he'd go, 'Ho, ho, ho!' So these kids shouldn't be so surprised that they're crying, because that's what Santa's for. OK, I think you've had a bad experience with a really bad Santa. You reckon Sarge might like some scented soaps? Well, soap's what you get when you've got no idea what to get someone for Christmas, so... Well, I got my brother Adam some, and he absolutely loved 'em. He was speechless. Really? Yeah. He opened them up, and he was like... Hi. Can I help you? I'm Ian. I-I represent the mall. Oh. Hey, uh, we've received some complaints. Apparently, your Santa's been upsetting people? Oh. Yep. Um, he's... he's just down this way. He's just by the FCK. Uh, did you mean the KFC? Oh, sorry. Just a little bit dyslexic, yeah. I had to call this guy in last minute,... Mm? DEMONIC VOICE: You will find your photos on the website ` ...and the problem now is he doesn't seem to leave. and your souls. Return to your pathetic life. Bring me the next child! (BABBLES IN TONGUES) He doesn't seem very Santa-y. Yeah, that's been the main problem. I-I wasn't quite sure how to bring it up. And did you book this guy? Look again to me! Yep. Yeah, so` And you said you're dyslexic? Yes. Yeah. I'm just wondering if maybe you've got your letters a bit muddled up and you've booked Satan instead of Santa. We'll put that away for Georgia. (CHILD CRIES) Oh, yeah. Obviously, this is not optimum. Um, I don't think Satan should be at a mall, especially not round Christmas time, um, so I think it's important that we now get in there and break this thing up. Minogue? Have fun with your headless doll! (CRYING CONTINUES) Take away your child ` and bring me the next one! Gidday, mate. Hi. Uh, we're from the Wellington Police. NORMAL VOICE: Oh. How's it going? Good. Good. Pretty good, yep. Yeah. Hey, look` Hi. Uh,... Hi. ...we've just had some complaints. Mm-hm? Apparently, you've been scaring children. Uh, no, I've... Well, I've been scarring children. Oh, misunderstanding. OK, no, actually, that's worse. It's just that I was gonna claim this mall to be my foul citadel. I was gonna take the souls of the damned. Oh, here's one. (CHOKES) DEMONIC VOICE: Yes! Yes, you'll do nicely. Come on, mate. Is this really the place where you wanna start your fiery realm, though? I mean,... SOFTLY: it's a shopping mall in Tawa. NORMAL VOICE: Well` Hey, um, if these guys have booked you, how does that work, exactly? Have you got an agent, or...? (CHOKES QUIETLY) No. I-I was just sitting on my throne in hell,... Mm. ...and I was summoned here. OK, so how exactly were you summoned? By fax. By fax?! (CHOKES QUIETLY) Yup. If you fax Satan,... Mm? ...I appear. Ah. Yeah. As soon as they invented it, we got one in hell. Guys. (CHOKES) Oh. Sorry. Yes. You're now choking a member of the public, you know? OK? That mall manager. Mm-hm. He's not having a nice time up there, OK? All right. I just really think, potentially, it's time for you to go back to hell,... (CHOKES) ...finish off your hell stuff... You've had a pretty good run of it today, mate. OK? You're in the wrong suburb. Tawa is not the place for you. Or anyone. Let him go. (CHOKES) OK! All right, all right, all right. Look, if you ever need to spice up a party, just give me a fax. I might be interested in that. I can create havoc on earth,... Yeah? ...make fire and blood come out of everything, and, uh,... Yeah, yeah, yeah. ...also a dubstep DJ. OK. Do people still listen to that? Yeah! How does that go, again? (BEATBOXES DUBSTEP) Yeah, you can't dance to it. Also, I'd get your card sorted out. If you're representing your business, it needs to be a really clean card. Look, there's probably a place here at the mall you can probably get some more printed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, does Sammy still print the...? Yeah, yeah. Oh, OK. Yeah. It's 50% off today. Is it? Yeah. You wanna take Satan down there? And you guys can sort it out before he ducks off. Oh, I'd rather not, to be honest. It's a fair call. Yeah. I mean, he had him by the throat. Look, um,... Yeah, he did. Do you need a lift anywhere, like, to get back down to, uh,... hell? Nah, nah. I'll just grab an Uber. By the way, uh,... one of you two is going to hell. I'll let you enjoy that on the drive home. (CHUCKLES) Two people or` We're not playing your game, Satan, OK? OK, all right. Well, I'll see one of you later. Is it her? (HOOVES CLOP) See you later. Thank you. Is one of them tall or short? # Who, who, who, who's it gonna be? # Is it the tall one? (CLICKS TONGUE) # Is it the short one? Tah-ta-ta! # Whoosha-ka-ka, ha-te-fah! # Off you go, please, Satan. No, we've had enough. - Enjoy the ride home, guys. - (HOOVES SQUEAK) Those hooves have given me an idea to get Sergeant Maaka some toenail clippers. What? Does Sergeant Maaka want some toenail clippers? (MAGIC 8-BALL SLOSHES, RT BEEPS) Nah. RT: Minogue and O'Leary? Go ahead. We have a report of some stolen meat from a barbecue at 12 Pamela Drive. Over. (RT BEEPS) Yeah, on our way. Let's go. Hey. Thanks for coming. I'm Kev. Gidday, Kev. Oh, hi, Kev. Gidday. We understand you've had some meat go missing. Uh, yeah. Had a whole load of steaks and chops and sausages... Mm-hm? ...and corn-fed chicken breast, bangers ` you know, some, uh, sizzlers and saveloys for the kids. Then we had some burgers and pork medallions, and we had some venison mince. Uh, we had pork mince as well, formed into little meatballs, with onion` Got it. So you had meat? Meat? Uh, yeah. Yeah. All meat. All goneburger. So, goneburger? Gone... Why don't you just write, 'There was meat, and that's all gone'? OK? Gone meat. And no one here noticed anything? Not a sausage. OK, can we just keep those bad dad jokes to a minimum? OK? Yeah, word to the wise ` I wouldn't bother with those jokes. She's a bit more highbrow than that. Right. I just don't get them. Did, uh, anything else go missing? Well, we can't find my auntie. Your auntie? You didn't think maybe you should've told me that first? Well, we just noticed. Could she have stolen the meat? Nah. She's in a wheelchair, so... Uh, Minogue! Yo! We've got a missing person. No, I'm just over here. Not you ` a missing person. Oh. Copy that. We've got a missing woman. She's in a wheelchair. Right. And how old are we talking? Um, she's 91. 91! (EXHALES) But if you had to choose ` Mm-hm? meat or auntie,... What? ...which one do you want back? (PUFFS) So, um, obviously, there has been some meat that's gone missing. Probably more importantly, there's also an elderly woman that is missing too. Nah. She's not in there. Is it there? Nah. Yeah, I've got a sneaking suspicion the elderly lady is not particularly trustworthy, and I think if we find her, we find the meat. Minogue! I think I found something. (EERIE MUSIC) What do you think that is? This might sound outlandish, but I think it's a vertical spa pool. OK, that's not a spa pool, OK? It looks like some sort of, uh, vortex. Mrs Siri, please Google Image 'vortex'. SIRI: You'll need to unlock your iPhone first. You've gotta unlock your phone. Oh. (PHONE UNLOCKS) Images? Yeah. (PHONE CLICKS) Huh. Definitely a vortex, isn't it? Maybe one of us should stick our hand in. (SCOFFS) That's a stupid idea. (VORTEX SLOSHES) It's cold in there. Well, that's gonna be terrible if Auntie Flo's in there. Really good for the meat, though, so... Kevin! Hi, Kevin. Hey, um, just wondering ` were you aware that you had some sort of a vortex back here? Uh, the big funny colour thing? Yes. Mm. Um,... yup. So you have noticed it? I mean, yeah, I've noticed it. Yeah, I can't feel anything back there. Oh my gosh. What? That must be where the cat disappeared to. I think maybe one of us is gonna have to go in there. That's insane. Mm. I'll do it. Yup. Are you sure this is the best we can do? I sort of feel like if that hose was tied around the tree or something` Have you got good grip? Nah, I'm` Yeah, I'm good. We've got it. OK. Good as gold. (SCREAMS) What?! What?! What?! What?! O'Leary, my leg's being eaten! Come back! Come back! It's being eaten! It's not. (CHUCKLES) It's not. It's not being eaten. You should've seen your faces. Or maybe it is being eaten. Nah. It's not. (GRUNTS) Steady. Hold it tighter. Yeah, yep. Yep. PANTS: OK, good! Pretty good. Good, good. Keep going back. (GRUNTS) Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh God! I've lost it! Minogue! Minogue! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) * Minogue! Aren't you gonna go in and help him? Did you go in and help your cat? (CELL PHONE RINGS) It's Minogue. (PHONE UNLOCKS) ECHOES: You there, O'Leary? Minogue! Minogue, where are you? O'Leary, I'm in the vortex. This place is crazy. It's sort of like a large void ` that's what I'd call it ` but it's... it's full of stuff. You're in the void? Swing ball set, (CHUCKLES) Cabbage Patch Kid. I used to have one of those. This is possibly where all the lost stuff comes. Hang on a minute. (CHUCKLES) I found the meat! - He's found the meat! - (CHEERING) (CLATTERING) Huh. And Auntie Flo. - And... And Auntie Flo. - (HALF-HEARTED CHEERING) So, we seem to have discovered some sort of dimensional vortex at the back of this property, from which Minogue has retrieved an elderly woman... Auntie Flo, I'm so relieved. ...and some meat. Job well done. Well, that was a strange one. I think that's an understatement. Well, it was a really, really, really strange one. Would that be an understatement? I'd say that's getting closer to what it was. Mm. (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC) (RT CRACKLES) RT: Car Four, this is comms. Go ahead. We got some sort of a disturbance at a property in Salisbury Terrace, number 22. Need you to respond. Over. (RT BEEPS) On our way. Over. (RT CRACKLES) (MOREPORK HOOTS IN DISTANCE) Evening, folks. Good evening. Had a call-out from you guys? Yes, yes, that was us. Um, one of the presents escaped and started attacking us. Out of its box, so... Yeah. OK, so, was this present, like, a new pet? A dog? No, no. No, it's-it's a doll. Yeah, a possessed doll. How do you know it's possessed? It mentioned it. Well, it` Yeah. Yeah, it, um... it burst out of the wrapping paper and started attacking us, and then it mentioned that it was possessed by a murderer. By a murderer. Yeah. It was going like... (SNARLS, GRUNTS) - MINOGUE AND O'LEARY: Mm. - Awful. It was also yelling insults at us as well. Yeah. About your jeans? No, it just said that I wasn't very smart. Said that I talked too much. Is that true? Is this true, you guys? Is this your mum and dad ` these people? Mm. So, we've just spoken to the family who believe that a toy has come to life and is potentially dangerous, so we're just gonna make sure that everything's safe. Hey, O'Leary. What? 'Hoo' is that? (CHUCKLES) Hmm. What's this? That could be the box. Well, I'd say that's a pretty good guess, yeah. It's like that movie Alien, where that alien bursts out of that guy's chest. Wouldn't you say it's more like that movie where the toy comes to life and terrorises the family? Toy Story. I couldn't get through that. (GLASS SMASHES IN DISTANCE) What was that? Did that just smash? WHISPERS: Go find out. WHISPERS: Come with me. Get your Taser out. Straight away? I'm not coming if you haven't got your Taser out. OK, I'm getting it. I'm getting it. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (GASPS LOUDLY) (GASPS) WHISPERS: Can you try not to make that big noise every time? WHISPERS: I was thinking about Alien again. (SCUFFLING) What was that? Um,... What was that? ...cat. Probably, eh? Maybe we should, um, you know, split up. OK. OK. Not that far. What? Just arm's-distance. Yeah, OK. (SCUFFLING) You hear that? What? Do you reckon it's in the fridge? Three, two, one. (SMACK!) Oh! I'm all right. I'm all right. He's all right. GRUNTS: Yep. He's actually OK. I'm good. WHISPERS: Dishwasher. I'll hold it, and if it jumps at you, it'll go in here, and then we'll hold it down like it's a spider. Empty. (SCUFFLING) Did you hear that? What? Anything in there? Nothing. Uh, so, we've done an exhaustive search of the property,... Empty. Under the table! Oh. ...and we've found nothing whatsoever. I mean, we've looked pretty thoroughly through the entire house, um, so we can probably go out now and have another talk to the family... (CHAIR CLATTERS) ...and let them know that everything's pretty safe in here. WHISPERS: I mean, maybe they were just imagining it. WHISPERS: I think they did. Yeah. I mean, how does a doll come alive and attack people? (SCOFFS) I dunno. (DOLL HEAD CREAKS) (OMINOUS MUSIC) (THUD!) (SCREAMS) What is that? You gotta stay still! He's digging his teeth in! Get it off me, O'Leary! I'm not touching that! Get it off me! It hurts! Tase it! Get it away! (TASER ZAPS, FIZZLES) No, it's busted! Get it off! Get it off! (GRUNTS) It's broken! I'll kick it off. I'll kick it off. No, Minogue! I'm right in front of you! I'll kick it off! No! Here we go! (DOLL SNARLS) Aargh! Aargh! Minogue! (DEMONIC CACKLING, CLAWS SLICE) * Just been caught in a Christmas tree. (GRUNTS) (DOLL SNARLS) This is not optimum. (PANTS) Why do they make toys so violent these days? I don't know. Look, but we've gotta get out there. We've gotta catch this thing. (THUDDING) Well, it's only little. It's not like it can kill us or anything. (SCHLING!) (GASPS) Where's the Taser? You broke it! We're gonna have to improvise. There'll be something in these presents. A bat! Great. Well, this isn't gonna work. Yeah, it's good. Well, you have it, then. We'll swap. No, I don't wanna swap. Well, this shoots only very soft projectiles. See? (NERF GUN WHIRRS) Ow. That's not a genuine 'ow'. I'm gonna open the door, OK, and smack it with the bat. This isn't over. (NERF GUN WHIRRS) (WHIMPERS) See? It's doing nothing! You can barely even feel it. You're distracting me, Minogue! We've gotta concentrate. Damn, I'm out! Smash it, O'Leary! It did nothing! It did nothing! Smash it! (YELLS) Think I got it. (PANTS) (PANTS) (DOLL CREAKS) O'Leary? (DEMONIC CACKLING) (SCREAMS) Requesting backup! Find something to help me, Minogue! Pot plant? No! Find another one! Yoga mat! It's a scarf! It's a scarf! It's a really nice scarf. She's` Well, that's got no use! Find something else! Yeah! (LAUGHS) Yes! (PANTS) It's too late. I've already killed it. Hm. Oh. Hi, guys. Um, so, we've incapacitated the, uh, scary doll, and it shouldn't cause you guys any more problems. His head's come off. So, um, yeah. That's probably for you. It's not the best` And that is not a great present, but you can have that. Early Christmas present. Great. (CHUCKLES) See you later, guys. 'Scuse me. Sorry. Another job well done. Have an awesome Christmas, guys. (SINISTER MUSIC) You were really heroic in there tonight, O'Leary. Oh, thank you. Maybe if I was the one that got the cricket bat, then you'd be the one singing my praises right now instead of me singing your praises. We can't know that, though, can we? That's how I like imagining it in my head ` that I was the heroic one, cos I had the cricket bat and not you. I've seen you play cricket, though. Mm. RT: Patrol Four, can you respond to a missing persons at an office Christmas party? 103 Willis St, level 2. Thank you. Yeah, copy that. On our way. (RT BEEPS) SIGHS: Another missing person? Mm. Christmas is so busy. (WOMAN IMITATES SIRENS) 'Scuse me. 'Scuse. 'Scuse. (CHEERING) That's actually very dangerous. I don't recommend doing that. That's dangerous. We've got this guy that works here ` his name's Jeff. He's a bit of a crack-up. Anyway, he went into the photocopy room, and he took photocopies of his arse and he emailed them to everyone, and look. (CACKLES, WHEEZES) No one saw him leave the photocopy room, so I went and checked it, and he was gone. But then I went and had a look at some of the security footage. (CLEARS THROAT) Look at this. See? That's Jeff there. That's gotta be a health and safety issue. Yeah, the glass is reinforced, though. - But then watch this. - (PHOTOCOPIER WHIRRS) Out of it, eh? OK. Where's this room? Well, he's not in here, is he? So, we know that Jeff just sat on the photocopier... And then he just disappeared. OK, yeah. Minogue, I think maybe you should just try that. Hey? Well, you try what` do what Jeff did. Minogue, what are you doing? Doing what Jeff did. You don't need to take your trousers down. Didn't think so. That would be unprofessional. That would've been a stupid thing to... OK, you ready? Yep. (BEEP!) (BEEP! PHOTOCOPIER WHIRRS) CHUCKLES: Tickles. Minogue! Minogue! I should call the photocopy guy. Well, you're not gonna get him on Christmas Eve. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh, it's Minogue. (PHONE UNLOCKS) Minogue, where are you? ECHOES: In an inky-black void. It's probably the same black void as earlier. I can see a light. Heading towards the light, O'Leary. No, no! No, you never go towards the light. Stay away from the light, Minogue! Think I can see` (PHONE BEEPS) I should just call Steve ` like, he's real good with technology and stuff ` cos maybe it just needs new toner. OK, I don't think it's a toner issue. OK, I'm... I'm... I'm gonna have to, maybe, go in after him. If I get lost, you have to call the police again. OK. Well, it's gotta go on A3. (BEEPING) What are you trying to say? No, it won't scan if it's on A4, cos we don't have the paper for it. That's all. OK. Yeah, and I dunno how to go back now, cos you sat on it and it broke. Well, I don't think it's my fault. What have you done? I haven't done anything. This is not my office building, is it? No. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh yeah. Hang on. Oh, it's Minogue again. (PHONE UNLOCKS) Minogue, where are you? Gidday, O'Leary. Just wanted to let you know that, um, I followed the light from earlier on. Uh, it's taken me all the way back to the vortex at Kevin and Hine's place. And I also managed to get that Secret Santa present. Minogue, where is your uniform? Um, I hung it up. Obviously, hanging it up was a better alternative than getting into the spa pool with it. Oh, and, Gayle, look who I found. Say Gidday, mate. Hey, Gayle! Hey! Hey, did everyone get those emails of my bum? Yeah. It was hilarious. (GIGGLES) It wasn't hilarious. We had to report it to the police. H-Have an awesome Christmas. I'll probably bring him down the station when I get out of the spa. Uh, look, I'm gonna have to come and pick you up. You come in your togs, and if you get in, then I'll get out. OK, I'm coming to get you, and I'm not bringing my togs. (CARD READER BEEPS) An inky blank void? Mm. It was pretty freaky, Sarge. Sounds like you might've entered some kind of fourth dimension. I'm surprised it didn't do all sorts of weird things to your atomic structure. Atomic structure feels fine. Mm. SOFTLY: What's an atomic structure? I'll tell you later. Job well done. Mm-hm. On to more important business ` Secret Santa. Oh! Look at that. O'Leary. (GASPS) I wonder who could've got me this? (MOUTHS) Oh. Scented soaps. Yay. (CHUCKLES) Vanilla. Yep. Bit racist. Oh. Minogue. Yes! (RATTLING) (GASPS) You do know I'm a grown man? Don't... Don't look at me. What am I gonna do with this? Must be my turn, then. Hm. Oh, it's rather large and... feels quite... feels quite soft. (WRAPPING PAPER TEARS) It can't be. It can't be. It's Officer Fuzzypants. Thank you! How did you find him? Merry Christmas, Sarge. Merry Christmas, Sarge. (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, DOOR CREAKS) (DOOR CLOSES) (POIGNANT MUSIC) (SIGHS) Case closed. - CHILDLIKE VOICE ECHOES: # Na-na, na-na. # - (DRAWER CLOSES) (SIGHS) Boop! ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) Captions by Maeve Kelly. Edited by Cameron Grigg.