(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC THEME MUSIC) Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019 Kia ora. Good evening. Welcome to the show that celebrates the end of 2019. The year 2020 has activated the imaginations of so many over the years. The more conservative thought we'd be living on Mars, eating synthetic food pills and being served by robot butlers. Hm. Others thought we'd be living in flying houses, getting chauffeured by trained apes and running around the streets in antennae hats and disposable socks. Exciting times lie ahead, but we are here to reflect on 2019, not 2020. It was a year of tension, threats and powerful unity. HILARY, JEREMY, AUDIENCE: Five, four, three, two, one! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - JEREMY: Whoo! (THE XX'S 'INTRO') (SPRAY CAN HISSES) It looks like a ghost town. We're experience very strong shaking. I think we need to get under the desk. (CLANGING) (BLEEP) Oh my God. (WOMAN SCREAMS) MAN: Oh my God. MAN: All engine running. We have a lift-off. I think we all oughta be a little ashamed. (LIGHT APPLAUSE) Stand up! PROTESTERS: 'Fight back!' Stand up! 'Fight back!' Feel angry! (SCREAMING, APPLAUSE) Police on rooftops now firing tear gas at them... (AMMUNITION POPS) (SCREAMING) (LOUD CRASH) (METALLIC CRUNCHING) WOMAN: This is a really bad situation. MAN: Come on! Get out! Get outta here! (ELECTRICITY ZAPS) (DISTANT SCREAMING) MAN: Swim! Swim! Swim! MAN: Keep going. (WIND WHOOSHES) MAN: No, no, no, no, no. I say to those who have lost and grieve ` you are forever linked to our nation, and we will hold you close. We can rebuild. We will rebuild. You may have chosen us,... but we utterly reject and condemn you. It's huge! England have won the World Cup! New Zealand have won the World Cup! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) MAN: Go the All Blacks! Nigel Owens... (WHISTLE BLOWING) ...blows the whistle. We weren't happy with the standard of our game. # Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh... # I have no recollection of ever meeting this lady. OK, boomer. OK, boomer. OK, boomer. SINGS SOFTLY: # OK, boomer. # Well, joining us on the couch is Urzila Carlson and Vaughan Smith. If you'd been paying attention, you would know that, of course. Lovely to have you with us. Thank you. I see` No boomers on the couch either. Well, Gen X. Gen X. Yeah, Gen X. I don't know what I am. Gen X. Oh. OK, boomer. (HILARY, URZILA LAUGH) I'm a... I'm a millennial. No way! Yeah. Oh, get out! Oh. 1982. I generally have to google it. Yeah. Yeah, to find out what` I don't know what I am. No, I think it's more a mindset than a year thing. I think you know. Like, I know 22-year-old boomers where you go, 'All right. I see where you're going.' (LAUGHTER) But then you get, you know` Look at Jane Fonda. She ain't no boomer. Oh my gosh. No, she's total millennial. She is woke. Yeah. Yeah. Now, how's the year been for you, as we look back and reflect? It's gone quick. Like, even my daughters, who are 5 and 7, are like, 'This year's gone very quick, Dad.' And that's, like, when you're a kid, a year felt like forever, so that's my litmus test that it has gone really fast. Kind of a blur of good... (CHUCKLES) A blur of good? It is when you're` A blur of good. That's the thing! A blur of good is good. It's better than a blur of bad. You don't want a bad blur. I think I've been there with a couple of years in my past. I remember just a blur of badness. Oh no. And, look, when you're a parent of young children, there are years of blur. Yeah. And it's good blur, and you love them dearly, but it's blur. Yeah. I mean, we're potty-training at the moment, so there's a lot of pee in the corners of the house, yeah. Oh. (TUTS) Sorry. There's a lot of blur. There's a lot of blur. Bit of blur over there. A lot of people, when they come in, I hope they blur too. (LAUGHTER) Like, 'What is all of this?' 'Never mind. Let's go sit outside.' Well, for those of you who can't remember, 2019 got off to an unusual start thanks to a toxic bunch of British tourists. BOY: (BLEEP) Swear to my uncle! I'll knock your brains out! Swear to my uncle again! What? WOMAN: Excuse me? Kiwis are a friendly bunch, but you can kiss goodbye to any welcoming kia oras if you treat our beaches like tipping grounds. How old are you? I'll chase you. Chase ya. Chase ya! (CHUCKLES) MAN: Stop being` Stop being rude. More feral than free-range, they were caught on camera flogging a fake Christmas tree. They have stolen some other stuff as well. The unruly Brits left a trail of rubbish, unpaid bills and court appearances in their wake. Are you trying to rip businesses off? Their antisocial antics... MAN: Stop the video! (GRUNTING) ...angered the entire nation. What do you say to the businesses who say you've been ripping them off? WOMAN: Excuse me. BOY: Hello! Making videos? Strangely, the brat in the Bunnings hat failed to win us over. WOMAN: How old are you? Chase you. Chase ya. Chase ya! MAN: Stop being rude. In the end, it was a case of good riddance, not goodbye. And great exposure for Bunnings, you've gotta say. Oh, absolutely. The moral of the story ` don't tick off a Kiwi. No. British comedian John Oliver, who loves to lampoon and lambast New Zealand, said that was the one story he regretted missing. Mm. He's taken the mick out of our dildo-tossing protesters, our laser-eye Kiwi flags and the former PM's toe` ponytail fixation. (CHUCKLES) The unruly tourists got off the hook, but IKEA in New Zealand ` they weren't so lucky. (LAUGHTER) Last week, IKEA apologised after making an embarrassing mistake. IKEA is facing criticism after selling a map that had a little something missing. Customers in Washington DC noticed the $30 map of the world forgot to show New Zealand. It's bad timing for IKEA, because the company's in the process of opening its first store there. (LAUGHTER) Oops. Now, incredibly, this is not even the first time this has happened to New Zealand. Their prime minister openly complained about it last year. We're not actually on every map that's out there. (LAUGHS) Seriously? No, it's actually a real problem. (CHUCKLES) We've had a campaign around it. Yep. There are maps where we are missing. No! Yes! It's honestly true. (LAUGHTER) New Zealand gets left off maps all the time. Now, do I think that that is funny? Yes. Yes, I do. Yes. (LAUGHTER) And, look, whether you like New Zealand or not, you can't deny it is there. It's not just Australia's imaginary friend. So tonight` tonight, we're gonna try and help them out by giving people a practical way to put things right here. So if you go to our Twitter feed right now, you will find a map of New Zealand that you can print out and add to any incorrect map of your choosing. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) If you own that IKEA map, add New Zealand right there! If you have the board game Risk, add New Zealand. And then throw it away, because it's a terrible game! And also, why stop just with inaccurate maps? You can put New Zealand on everything. Map of Florida ` add New Zealand. An anatomical map of male sexual organs ` add New Zealand. In fact, add two! And finally, if you should ever find yourself in an IKEA, you can help them never forget my favourite heavily-logged island nation ever again by finding their in-store store map and going full New Zealand on it. It's the only way they'll learn. Poor New Zealand. You found your way here. Yeah, I did. I mean, I was on my way to Adelaide, but, you know, I made it. (LAUGHS) We are the most insignificant country in the world. There's no doubt about that. The fact that you can leave New Zealand off a map says everything. Also one of the most insecure countries in the world, Vaughan. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. We've got a small-man syndrome, don't we? But a small-country syndrome. Mm-hm. Because when the Olympics, which is next year, rolls around, it's always the per-capita medal table that we're` Always. Love that, don't we? Always. Always. We love it! I love how New Zealand can scratch out our role that we play in anything good ever in the world. Something good happens in Antarctica. 'There was someone related to a Kiwi who once lived in Auckland,' you know? There's always a way that we're linked to it. Yeah, every news story. There's a New Zealand connection to every news story. Yeah. You say that, and yet you travel overseas, right, and foreigners come up to you and they go, 'I know this is a cliche. I know you're from New Zealand, but I know someone from New Zealand.' And you play the game and you go, 'Tell me who that is.' Nine times out of 10, you know that person or you know someone who is closely related to that person. That has actually happened to me. That's right. Yeah. No, the best thing that has ever happened to me ` I was in Melbourne, and the same load of people go, 'Oh, you're South African, but you live in New Zealand. Do you know so-and-so?' And I go, 'We don't all know each other.' I'm having this conversation as I walk down the road, and up the road comes Jacinda Ardern, and I'm like, 'Oh no.' (LAUGHTER) 'No, we don't know each`! ' 'Hi. How are ya?' (LAUGHTER) Don't you love the fact, though, that we showed before a clip of the unruly tourists ` they thought they could genuinely come to New Zealand and be unruly and get away with it. (GIGGLES) There is no way that was ever gonna happen. Maybe commit a crime here, commit a crime there, commit a crime there and nobody would be able to piece that together. They came to the wrong place. Yeah, they didn't know we have nothing happening here... Yeah. ...that time of the year. No! Exactly. We're all at the beach, so we have nothing in the news department. And we're looking for someone to drag on, so they just provided a perfect summer pastime. It was amazing. They did. Now, on that note, we'll head to the break with something for you to ponder. Yes. We're tipping our hat to some of the weirder head-scratching headlines that make you think, 'What the...?' Huh? What the...? To some, they're rats with wings. To others, they're finely-tuned race machines. I hate them. And they poop everywhere. Oh, they're annoying! So how much would you pay for a pigeon? They're not worth anything. I would pay for it to probably go away. My braces cost 7K, so I'm gonna say 7K for a pigeon. Well, hold on to your feathers. On March 18th, champion racing pigeon Armando sold for $2,250,000. Wow. You could get one for free if you just go to the city. What, is this pigeon shitting out gold or something? Oh wow. You learn something new every day. * Welcome back. I'm Jeremy Wells, and she's Hilary Barry, and we're looking back at the year that was 2019. Let's talk about the environment, because unless you're a climate change denier with your head in the sand, you've probably noticed we've got a few issues. This year, we learned that we now ingest an average of 50,000 pieces of microplastic a year, and plastic will outweigh fish in the world's oceans by 2050. Good times (!) There's no denying we are trashing the planet, and nature's fury has given us a taste of a pretty scary future. (INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF AWOLNATION'S 'SAIL') Climate change. WOMAN: What do you want? PROTESTERS: Climate action! When do you want it? Now! It's one of the burning issues of 2019. You all come to us young people for hope. How dare you? Fire,... flood... and horrendous storms have affected the lives of millions across the globe. MAN: No, no, no, no, no. White Island reminded us that nature is a monstrous force. In the lead-up to Christmas, it spewed rocks, ash and scalding steam into the air with tragic consequences. To those who have lost or are missing family and friends, we share in your unfathomable grief at this moment in time. Your loved ones stood alongside Kiwis who were hosting you here, and we grieve with you, and we grieve with them. (METALLIC CLANGING) Nature's fury has taken its toll on New Zealand. The first span fell in. Next span fell in. Third span fell in. This is a really significant event. Rising flood waters exposed a man-made disaster, ripping apart an historic landfill and sending decades of trash into the ocean. Lots and lots of rubbish around. There's a lot of work to still be done. Why are you still letting climate change continue? From Warsaw to Wellington,... I'm fighting for the future of this planet and the future of every young person here. ...kids swapped schoolbooks for megaphones,... PROTESTERS: Power! Power! ...took to the streets and went on strike for the climate. We should be at school right now, but instead we are here, fighting for our future. 2019 was one of the warmest on record. Scientists say rising temperatures, rising sea levels and extreme weather is here to stay. Certainly is heating up. Certainly heating up in this jacket, actually, because there's a lot of polyester in this silver jacket. Joining us now ` also wearing a lot of polyester ` constables O'Leary and Minogue. Lovely to have you with us. Are you feeling quite warm in your stab-proof vests there? No. Perfectly fine. Great. Um, OK. So, how has 2019 been for you guys? (CLICKS TONGUE) Good, thanks. You mean in a policing sense or...? Yes. Yeah, good, thank you. Really good. 2019 ` big year for the paranormal. Mm-hm. That's right. Lots went on, didn't it? Yep. As you will have seen in our documentary series. Yep. Your documentary series? Yep. Correct, yeah. Yeah. I particularly liked the cloning. (SIGHS) Well, that wasn't actually very safe, though, was it? No. It put a lot of people in danger. No, that's fair. So we don't advocate for cloning. OK. And I think that's quite a responsible thing to say on national television. Did you see the Christmas special? I loved your Christmas special. Particularly your cricket shot. Thank you, Hilary. I've spent a lot of time perfecting that cover drive, and luckily for me, it really paid dividends out there in that house with that very scary scarecrow. I was gonna say, actually ` technically speaking, though, you just seemed to be hovering around slightly on the back foot. Um, and then also, the hands just came at the ball a little bit too much. You probably just wanna wait for the` just to come to you a little bit, play it under the eyes a little bit more. Softer hands. It was a possessed doll, wasn't it? It wasn't a ball. Um, yeah. Yeah, OK. It wasn't just a game of cricket, Jeremy. It was a very dangerous situation, and I think I did a pretty good job, and I think hard hands were what was required,... Yeah. Excellent. ...end of the day. Maybe you could practise a little bit more over the summer period, and for the next Christmas special, Jeremy will be a little bit more impressed with your form. Now, one more man rather than any other has dominated world headlines this year ` Donald Trump. Yes. You can say what you like about the 45th president, but the Pinocchio of politics sure knows how to make the news. And we couldn't resist reflecting on his wonderful linguistic skills. (BEASTIE BOYS' 'SABOTAGE') Throughout his presidential career, Donald Trump has struggled with words. I went to an Ivy League school. I know words. I have the best words. Replace 'chhasms' of distress. And the 'internate'... Then you will gain 'momemtum'. Terminating the 'diversary' lottery. And diversity. 2019 was no exception. The Mueller Report I wish covered the... The... The... But Oscar was gunned down and killed by... And... The single greatest lies... ever... I hope they now go and take a look at the oranges. Oranges. Oranges. 2019 was a year of revelations. I am the chosen one. The chosen one. The chosen one. And who knew the chosen one was green to the core? I'm an environmentalist. A lot of people don't understand that. But this environmentalist wasn't a fan of windmills. I'm not gonna lose it on... on dreams on windmills. In California, you go to jail for five years if you kill a bald eagle. You go under a windmill, you see 'em all over the place. They say the noise causes cancer. You tell me that one, OK? (WHIRRS ABSTRACTLY) As they say in political circles,... (CROWD JEERS LOUDLY) ...OK, boomer. It's a whole hoax. And you know who's playing into the hoax? People like you and the fake news media. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, pinning anything on The Don is like a game of whack-a-mole. Uh, Constable O'Leary and Constable Minogue. (GIGGLES) What are you looking at? Look at all those lights up there. I'm not sure they're safe. What makes you think that? There's just a lot of lights. Sorry. I was distracted. It's very safe. This is a very safe environment. Wasn't it on fire the other day? Next door. Oh right. Next door. Yeah, nah, we had to evacuate, but it was all good. We're fine. Yeah, yeah. This is probably flammable, but we're a long way from fire. Still got a smell in here, though, doesn't it? Yeah, no, that's Jeremy. Oh, is it? Mm-hm. Do you have the tasers on you? We haven't brought them in to the studio today, no. That's a shame. I just` Uh, Minogue has a tendency to accidentally set it off. I didn't want either of you getting harmed. No. I-I find it quite funny when he accidentally sets it off. Well, do you think that's funny for him? Mm. Sorry. It's not. It's actually quite painful. No, sorry. In your documentary series, it's obviously funny for the viewer. Mm. 2020. (CHUCKLES) It's gonna be a big year, isn't it? Yep. We've got another season, don't we, of Wellington Paranormal that we'll be shooting at some point. That's right. There's more paranormal things happening. I mean, I think, to be fair, Donald Trump potentially is someone that we should be investigating a bit more. But obviously he's out of our jurisdiction, being in, uh, America. Yep. Do you find that having camera crews following you around while you're doing your work gets in the way a little bit? (INHALES SHARPLY) No. No. I mean, obviously those guys are there doing their job, and we're just trying to do our job the best we can. Yeah. There has been a couple of times. And I know in the last series, there was a couple of times where we did talk a little bit sharply at them to maybe potentially help us for a change,... Yeah. ...rather than just watching everything that's unfolding. Get in the way. Yeah, they do get in the way quite a lot. They've often got very noisy shoes on,... Yeah. ...which makes it harder if you're trying to creep up on something. But, you know, again, like I said, they're just doing their job, and just like you guys are doing your job and drinking and... Mm. I've just gotta do my job and throw to the break now, but it's been lovely to talk to you. And do have a very safe New Year's Eve. Thanks. And thank you for your concern about the studio catching fire and your concern for everybody else in New Zealand. Great. Thank you. Thanks. Love your enthusiasm (!) Right, time for another headline head-scratcher ` your enthusiasm ` as we head into the break. Trump believes windmills are deadly to birds. But the biggest killer is much closer to heart. Bread. Cats. What kill birds? Us. People flushing toilets. Is that it? No. No. The truth is ` tall buildings. They kill 600 million birds each year in the US. Buildings? They fall on them or...? Oh, they bang into the windows. Oh yeah! Thought it would be the bread that's attracting them, and when they come down, they fly into the building or get done by the cat. So the bread is actually the trap. * Welcome back to our look back at the year that was 2019. On March 15, an unspeakable terror attack claimed the lives of 51 people in Christchurch. Very few of us expected New Zealand would ever witness a terror incident of such magnitude. It's left an indelible scar on the entire nation. (SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC) March 15 will always be remembered as one of our darkest days. It took just 21 minutes of hate to end 51 lives and change hundreds more forever. Jacinda Ardern would define for the world how a nation ought to grieve after such an horrific event. You may have chosen us,... but we utterly reject and condemn you. These are people who I would describe as having extremist views that have absolutely no place in New Zealand... and in fact have no place in the world. (LIGHT APPLAUSE) (YUSUF ISLAM PLAYS 'PEACE TRAIN' INTRO) Terrorism isn't new. But New Zealand's reaction was. # I've been happy lately # thinking about the good things to come. # In the days that followed, there was an outpouring of grief and support for our Muslim community. # I've been smiling lately... # Vigils were held up and down the country promoting peace, love and togetherness in the face of hate. # Someday it's gonna come. # Just six days after the attack, the government announced a ban on automatic weapons. More than 30,000 have been handed in. Makes everyone feel safer, so get it over and done with and hand it back. I think I got more money than I paid for it. It's a good little deal. Shh. (CHUCKLES) # ...peace train. # Ohhh, ohhh. # Out of horror came a vision of a better New Zealand and a determination that hate would not define us. Whether in the realm of music, entertainment, sport or politics, we've lost people who, throughout the course of their lives, have not only left a lasting impact on us all but also a great legacy. Here's a look back at those that we've lost in 2019. # Ooh, ooh, # ooh, ooh, # ooh, ooh, ooh. # Ooh, ooh, ooh. # Ooh,... # ooh, ooh, ooh. # Ooh, ooh, ooh. # Ooh, ooh, ooh. # Somewhere... # over the rainbow, # way up high, # and the # dreams that you dream of # once in a lullaby. # Ai, ai, ai. # Oh, somewhere # over the rainbow, # bluebirds fly. # Yeah, it's certainly been a rough year. But you forget, also, that greatness surrounded us. Absolutely. On that note, let's reflect on another headline head-scratcher as we head into the break. This year marked the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. NEIL ARMSTRONG: It's one small step for man. One... giant leap for mankind. Oh, man definitely landed on the moon. Yes, there's no doubt about that. Didn't Stanley Kubrick, uh, direct that? Who`? Who do you believe? Well, believe it or not, NASA says we'll be back on the moon in three years. And even more exciting, we'll have boots on Mars by 2033. On Mars? I don't think so. I hope so. Cos it's cool. I think there are more important problems that we have to solve here, like poverty and child poverty, in particular, right? * Welcome back at our look back at the year that was 2019. I'm Hilary Barry, and he's Jeremy Wells. That's right. The world can be a very strange place, and some people have a very strange way of celebrating the new year. Ecuador likes to burn a scarecrow. Denmark likes to smash plates. But when it comes to strange, no one beats Peru. (UPBEAT PERUVIAN MUSIC) As you can see, they like to slug it out. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) That is the Takanakuy Fighting Festival. That's right. Every year, I'm told, on the 25th of December, the locals face off. They beat the living bejesus out of each other with a bit of good old-fashioned bare-knuckle brawling. She's a bit violent. Yeah, it is. But, look, community members say the friendly fights are aimed at settling old scores. And apparently, Hilary, they actually improve relationships. You just said they were friendly fi` Those were not friendly fights. Yeah, it's just` It's all in good spirit. Anyway... Some people who love friendly fights ` 'Urzilas' Carlson and Scotty Stevenson. (LAUGHTER) Urzila Carlson and Scotty Stevenson! Yes. Welcome. Thank you. That was great (!) How has 2019 been for you? Really good. That was exactly how Christmas is celebrated in my house ` a bit of bare-knuckle fighting around the above-ground pool. (LAUGHS) You know how people try and separate those people around the dinner table? I put them next to each other. I want it to spark off. (LAUGHS) That's a good way to go. Yeah. Scotty, um,... Yes. ...is your family` are they bare-knuckle boxing at Christmastime and through that festive period? Well, I'm similar to Urzila. My mum's South African, so it doesn't take much... No. ...to get into a problem. Yes. What's your advice to people, then? You know, you've got these family frictions through Christmas. Yes. You've got to New Year's Eve. Yes. How do you think people should... behave to best cope with the night? Well, so, you've done the family thing. Mm-hm. That's for Christmas. New Year's is for friends and for, you know, weirdos down at the Viaduct. (SCOTTY, JEREMY CHUCKLE) You avoid the family at all costs, cos you've done that now. Now you need to wait for Easter to get back in touch with those people. So you're gonna calm down a lot. (LAUGHS) You're gonna` This is solid advice (!) If you can't cope with your family, you can always emigrate and see who comes to see you. (LAUGHS) You know, that really gets the riff-raff off` off your back. Wow. This is sage counsel (!) Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, hold that thought for a moment ` let's talk sport. And what a sporting year it was, Hilary. Couch kumaras up and down the country were clutching their tickers as we embraced the highs and lows of international combat. # Right here, right now. # Right here, right now. # Right here, right now. # Right here, right now. # Right here, right now. # Right here... # 2019 was the year the sporting script wouldn't quite go to plan. COMMENTATOR: This is ours! Surely! And he's got it! We like to see ourselves as the little country that punches above its weight. Out! I'm sure he's out! We're going to a super over! But an unsuspecting right hook left Kiwi cricket fans heartbroken at the World Cup. They go to the other end! Oh, he gets in the way! (CROWD ROARS) This is gonna go all the way to the boundary off the bat! It was cruel, but it was also one of the greatest sporting encounters played out on the world stage. He's got it! England have won the World Cup by the barest of margins! Absolute ecstasy for England! Agony! Agony for New Zealand! COMMENTATOR: In the gold medal match ` Netball World Cup 2019 against New Zealand. Later that month, another piece of silver bling caught our eye. COMMENTATOR: The Ferns are looking good. The Silver Ferns stunned three-time defending champs Australia... Can you believe it?! It's gone! (RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE, WHISTLE BLOWS) It's all over! New Zealand have won the World Cup! ...and hoisted the Netball World Cup aloft following a tense one-goal win over their arch-rivals. COMMENTATOR: The All Blacks. Then it was the All Blacks' turn. They have won 15 of the last 16 matches. STEVE HANSEN: They've been excited all week about the opportunity, eh, to play in the semi-final. ALL BLACKS: # Au, au, aue ha! # You know, we don't play England very often, but it's more the semi-final we're excited about. There were high hopes of a three-peat. (WHISTLE BLOWS) (LOUD CHEERING) SCOTTY STEVENSON: It is pumped up like a bouncy castle. And why wouldn't you be? But someone forgot to tell England. And it's good. Four years of hard work was undone in 80 minutes and 51 seconds. Nigel Owens... (WHISTLE BLOWS) ...blows the whistle on the hopes of New Zealand. You know, I think we'll look at that game, and there'll be so many what-ifs and things that we could've done a lot better. England advance to a fourth Rugby World Cup final. New Zealand went to win the bronze final. No three-peat ` just third place. But, yeah, you know, you gotta give the English the credit. They came out and started extremely well. Yeah, we just probably couldn't get into that game. So commiserations and congratulations. Here's a big thank you to all our sporting heroes. # Right here, here, here, here, here. # Well, to quote you, Scotty J Stevenson, uh, New Zealand was pumped up like a bouncy castle... (LAUGHTER) ...for a Rugby World Cup victory. Three in a row,... Mm. ...and it didn't happen. Did that take you back there to some traumatic moments? Uh, yeah, now that I've had time to process it. I think naturally you have an unconscious bias anyway, cos you're a Kiwi; you're watching Kiwis play. But when you're commentating the game, I was so enthralled in the performance of England that it was only afterwards I scratched my head and thought, 'That hasn't gone to plan, has it?' She's dying to cry about it. Yeah, no, I mean, I'm just` You should. The All Blacks, you know, it's not their fault they lost, cos England were standing in a weird way when they did the haka, and that just jinxed the whole game. Yes, that's right. Four years of training and all of that, just... 'Oh, you're in a V formation? Well, we just cannot do this game.' (LAUGHTER) The best story about the V formation is that they'd planned it as a semi-circle. So after, they're all saying, 'How can you guys get a semi-circle wrong? You've turned it into a giant V.' Yeah. I've never seen anything like that. And right from that moment, you just thought, 'Something is afoot in the air here.' This is the most remarkable challenge to a haka I think I can remember. It was just... Just the way it looks, the impact of it was immense. Mm. You still celebrating? Yeah, got the undies on right now. Oh dear. No, no, no. Quick. Cut away. Cut away. The speedos? Yeah. Oh wow. Please. Please. Enough. There are children watching. Now, of course, thanks to Anika Moa, we got to know the All Blacks like never before. (SPRIGHTLY CLASSICAL MUSIC) Sonny Bill Williams, kia ora. Nice to meet you. Kia ora, Auntie. I'm not your auntie. Sorry. Kia ora, sis. More like your... like, maybe lover. Same age. Same age. Can you rap? Yeah, OK. (CLEARS THROAT) Have you got a beat? (BEATBOXES SLOW BEAT) Mm. RAPS: # Going to Japan, trying to win World Cup. # Yeah, that's the plan. Sitting with Anika Moa just because I can. # Ham, Stan, plan with the fam. # (WHOOSHES) Yeah-yah! That was a` Drop the mic. (WHOOSHES) You're amaz` Boof. Whoa! Awesome. Have you ever pashed a Maori? (TUTS) Uh, no, I haven't. Sure? I am sure, yes. Do you...? (CHUCKLES) Do you wanna...? Are you`? Oh. No? I'm all right. Thanks. What's wrong with me? No, nothing's wrong. I just know your` your tastes. (BOTH LAUGH) I need to test your commitment to the mullet, AKA beaver paddle. Have you heard of that term? Nah. That's new to me. There's a` And it's also Manurewa mudflap. Oh yeah, yeah. What was your favourite TV programme? It was, uh, Action Man when I was growing up. SINGS # Action Man, the greatest hero of them all. # That's it. Yeah. Still got my Action Man toys at my parents' house. Do you? CHUCKLES: Yeah. That's cute ` if a little bit odd. LAUGHS: Yeah. (LAUGHS) Probably. Could you turn and show all our viewers your lovely mullet? Of course. Yeah... (MICROPHONE RUSTLES) Yeah. (LAUGHS) Did you get that? LAUGHS: Get it in slo-mo. You're very close to opposing props in the scrum. Do they sometimes whisper things to you in your ear? And what do they say? Sweet nothings. Yeah, it's like, (WHISPERS) 'Oh, your beard feels really good.' And... What?! What? If you had to laser remove one of your moko, which one would it be? (SIGHS) Would it be that eyesore there? CHUCKLES: Um... I've actually covered one of my moko before,... Have you? ...so I should probably say that one. I've got under here, on my tiger, if you can sort of see it, it says 'YOLO'. Oh. YOLO! (BOTH LAUGH) So, uh, I had` You're such a millennial. Yeah. Who knew All Blacks had humour? Oh. That was amazing. Thank you. Can't be a robot. So cool. Awesome. I can't believe Anika tried to pash Kieran Read. Would you, as a fellow lesbian, try to pash him? I would, yeah. I would try and pash any one of the All Blacks. What is it about Kieran Read that attracts`? He's so big with the lesbian community. It's the way he looks at ya. Yeah. I know. I've spent a lot of time around him. Wow. It's the way he looks at ya. He does. And he doesn't stop looking. Yeah, he's got that intense` Actually, you've got a bit of that too. He's played 127 test matches. He's blinked only 127 times in those test matches. That's what it is about Kieran Read ` it's an intensity, Hilary. Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes. Look in my eyes. Oh my gosh. You have got that look. I've gotta look away. It's the look. I'm telling you, I can feel it. I... I can sense it. That's what happens when you write a book on someone, and Scotty J wrote Kieran's book, Straight 8. It's really flying off the shelves, I'm told, actually. Gee, that's a great plug from you. Yeah, thanks. It's a pleasure. (LAUGHS) Teach your co-host up there. And you get to know all these things, but there's no chapter` nothing about lesbian pashing in there. No. Well, we couldn't cover everything, and I know it was a big part of his life growing up, but he's moved on from lesbian pashing now as subject matter. (LAUGHS) He's had to focus on playing rugby, for instance. That was important. In my book, there's a whole chapter about lesbian pashing, though, that I cover. I'm looking forward to it. When's that out? It's been out for a few years now. (LAUGHTER) And flying off the shelves too. Well, I mean, it's more like... I didn't mean when are you out; I mean when the book's out. ...(LAUGHS) trotting. That's good to know (!) 2020 is fast approaching, and we've got plenty of sport to look forward to. We've got the Black Clash on January 17th. That'll be great. Uh, the Olympics get underway in July. Then there's the Paralympics in August. Plus, plenty of cricket and the build-up to the America's Cup. I can't wait for the Olympics, though. I` What's your favourite event? Diving's pretty good. 'Just too much splash on that.' No, the diving's good. 'That's a minus 8.' Well, this is the thing ` all about the splash. (LAUGHS) It is about the splash. You just wait for the splash and go, 'Yeah, no, that was rubbish.' (LAUGHS) There's something about watching diving which is similar to watching car racing ` you're only watching for the crashes. You just want a belly flop, just once. Oh, you guys are terrible. No, but it's the same when they do that pole vault, and they run up. As soon as they start, you go, 'Nah, not enough.' (LAUGHS) 'Just doesn't have enough speed on that. Ohhh!' And when they do` go under the pole, you're like, 'I saw that coming.' (LAUGHTER) I should be a coach or something. Right! Time now for another headline head-scratcher as we head into the break. Let's talk about the price of fish. How much would you pay? For a whole fish? I only buy live fish. Well, it depends with the weight too, how big it is. Maybe, like, yeah... The only time I ever eat fish is when I get it for free off someone. I feel like I'm going to be shocked. This year, a new record was set... (BELL RINGS) (SPEAKS JAPANESE) ...when the Japanese paid a whopping 333.6 million yen for this tuna. That's nearly NZ$4.7 million. Oh shit! Holy crap. Wow! For a fish? Oh, we're way off. Uh, yeah, that's a bit beyond my price range. (LAUGHS) * Welcome back on your look back at the year that was 2019. I'm Hilary Barry. And I'm Jeremy Wells. As 2019 comes to a close, we must reflect on those who gave us new music to stream, new movies to check out and heaps of exciting gossip to devour. 2019 was the year Taylor Swift kicked the haters to touch. # I stay out too late. # Got nothing in my brain. She was declared the artist of the decade and named the world's highest paid entertainer, pocketing $288 million a year. # ...the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Baby... # Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson was named the highest paid actor for the second year in a row, earning $140 million. I am Hercules! (CRASH!) Hey, guys. It's Kylie. And Kylie Jenner became the world's youngest ever self-made billionaire at 21. I don't know what it's like to live a normal life. I don't want my picture taken. It's, like, so much pressure. Like, I wanna, like, grow as a person the way I wanna grow. There was a royal birth... Meghan and myself had a baby boy. The most amazing experience I can ever have possibly imagined. ...and a royal revelation. Perhaps you could just give us an idea of what the last year's been like. It's... It's, um,... hard. But when it comes to right royal stuff-ups,... She says she dined with you, danced with you at Tramp nightclub in London. She went on to have sex with you. Your response? I have no recollection of ever meeting this lady. ...Prince Andrew was left drowning in a PR disaster after this interview. Do I regret the fact that` that` that he has quite obviously conducted himself in a manner unbecoming? Yes. Unbecoming? He was a sex offender. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm being polite. I mean the sense that he was a sex offender. Hitler is a hard sell in most situations,... I don't think I can do this. What? Of course you can. ...but Taika Waititi managed to turn the Third Reich into cinematic and comic gold. Yorki? Jojo! (CLANG! BOOM! MEN SCREAM) Oh God. What the hell are you? Batman celebrated his 80th birthday. I'm Batman. Olivia Newton-John's black leather outfit sold for $370,000. Sold! # Soaked up in my brain... # And Kiwi teen Bene was soaked in praise at the New Zealand Music Awards, taking out Best Single, Solo, Breakthrough Artist and Pop Artist. Well, what a year it's been! And joining us on the couch is Moses Mackay and Amitai Pati from Sole Mio. Lovely to have you guys. Oh, thanks for having us. Thanks for having us. I can't believe it. A few weeks ago, we had a big Youth Choir reunion, and you guys weren't there. Yeah. That was, um, interest` Did you get the email? Um... I didn't get the email. Maybe. Maybe. I tried to email you guys. Ohhh no. Yeah, I changed my email, actually. Yeah, interesting (!) Oh, yeah, sure you did (!) What about me? I'm the only one that wasn't in the Youth Choir thing. (LAUGHTER) I feel really, really left out. Yeah, get amongst it, kids. It's a great experience. You'll love it. Wow. So, 2019's been a big year for you guys. Well, actually, 2019 was awesome. We kicked it off with the Back To Basics Tour, and we travelled the country, performing around New Zealand. And then after that, we took off to` we were in Japan. Yeah. Do you know what? I did an interview with Kieran Read just recently. (LAUGHS) Oh, yo. Just recently` Just recently after, of course, the All Blacks' loss, and he said that you guys coming and seeing the team the day after they lost and performing was a really big part of the healing process. I thought that was just so lovely. Yeah. It meant so much to the team. It was actually really cool. Yeah. We just turned up, and we sung a few songs for them, and then we were just like, 'You guys wanna have a bit of a jam session?' You know? Oh wow. So we had keyboards out; we had guitars out; Kieran and everybody were singing along. It was really nice. Real cool. Music is a great healing thing. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's a really fantastic way to bring people together, like, you know, this couch. (LAUGHTER) Apart from me not` being, like, the only person who can't sing in tune on this couch. You're fitting in. The thing was ` we were more likely to go into a choir than you. I suspect you were living a slightly edgier youth than we were. Mm. Mm. Thoughts, gentlemen? Yeah. Quite an edgy guy. (LAUGHS) I don't think I could've got in there. And actually, I'm told, though, that, Moses, you may have been sort of expelled from the choir... (LAUGHTER) ...like I was expelled from school, actually. That's what I've heard. Yeah, this did happen. I was a 19-year-old kid, and, yeah, I did get, um... I got... The boot. 'Get out.' I got kicked out of it. (LAUGHS) You got kicked out! 'Let go.' Look... Let go. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I think so. I don't think we're gonna go into that. Yeah. I didn't have the right` Yes. No. We won't go into that, because... Got made redundant. ...it happens from time to time. And when it comes to entertainment, as I just try and segue into our next piece, there's plenty to look forward to right here at TVNZ. WOMAN: Think of the sky like a looking glass. What you see is who you are. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In New York. Film set. OK, New York. OK, OK. You know what I see? Drama. Freezing works. (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Do you know what the average spend is for a family of your size? $400. $355. You're almost double. Hello? (KNOCKS) Hi. Rhys Darby here. I'm beaming in live from Los Angeles. I can't` I can't hear ya. It's just more of a one-way... Just wanted to say that I'm involved in some exciting new programming for TVNZ next year. Dollars, dollars, dollars! I probably just made about $600 in about an hour and a half. It's (BLEEP)ing cool, man. It's like a competition and shit, eh. (BLEEP) awesome. This guy is cream. He's charming, good sense of humour. Maybe not marriage material, but I just need his jus. I thought maybe telekinesis. (GROANS) Those guys are so annoying. They always call when you're eating your dinner. Every time. That's, um, telemarketers. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Stop it! (MUSIC BUILDS, STOPS) Oh wow! How good do those shows look? Yes. They look amazing. Yes, they look amazing. You guys ` New Year's resolutions for 2020. Are you guys resolution guys? Oh, kind of. Uh, I kinda just stick to the same thing every year. Like...? Pretty boring. So that's like being better than I was last year. Aw. Is that even possible? So yeah. Oh, trying. You know, trying to wear different clothes. You know? (SNORTS, LAUGHS) Wear different clothes? Yeah. Oh, that's a good resolution. Go from shorts to pants. Why not? Yeah. Now, Moses? Um, me ` simplifying my life. Mm-hm. Simplifying my life from the material things I have ` clothes. The people in my circles. Um... And I have` Oh, thanks, man. Thanks. Oh yeah, you're gonna be in the circle. Do you mean you get rid of friends? You just weed them out? Or you get rid of clothes? No, you keep the people that you really wanna keep close to you, and you put a lot of time into them. So, like, you're a team of five. Who's going? Tell them now who's going from your friend group. Oh wow. Just tell them now. It's just probably easier. It's all right. It's OK, man. Just... If you don't hear from me... (LAUGHTER) Oh, surely! I got the email. Oh no. You get the email? I got the email. You got the email? Oh good. He's changed his address. It's all getting a little bit` We won't tell that story, will we? Yeah, let's move on, eh? Let's, as 2019 comes to a close,... Mm-hm. ...toast each other... (WINE FLUTES CLINK) ...and look at all the lovely well wishes... Cheers. Cheers. Good friends. Cheers. ...from everyone at TVNZ. # Yeah. # I really love our sense of what this country is and can be. So how does $10,000 sound? $10,000. (GASPS) Have a wonderful new year. I hope you get to spend some lovely time with your loved ones. Stay safe and be kind to one another. Where do I stand? DANIEL FAITAUA: There's that marker. Click. MATTY: Ohhh. Oh yeah-yah! Kia ora, e te whanau, from all the team at TVNZ. Have an awesome new year 2020. I'm gonna have to` I can't bear the tears. I've gotta give you a hug. JEREMY: It's about celebrating New Zealand and celebrating New Zealanders and celebrating New Zealand's stories. Happy New Year, New Zealand. Remember to slip, slop, slap. Slip on some tunes, slop on some spray tan and slap on some boardies. I'll see ya at the beach. (SHORTLAND STREET THEME TUNE) BOTH SING: # Shortland Street. # (LAUGHS) You would not wanna live in Ferndale. No. Definitely not. KYLIE: There is a bomb in the hospital. It's gonna be explosive. It's gonna be another big year. Is that too big a clue? CHUCKLES: No. That's good. (LAUGHS) Happy New Year's, everyone. Hope you have a wonderful and safe holiday with your family and friends. Take care and be merry. This couch has been everywhere, man. This is good. Just over that way. Thanks, Jeremy. Come sit down. MAN: It's a nice couch. We're going into the regions and telling real New Zealanders' stories. What is the weirdest health or beauty treatment you've ever had? An enema. I mean, putting herbs up your butt's always interesting. Did you feel better afterwards? Took some time to come out. (SNORTS, LAUGHS) It did! Nga mihi kia koutou. Kia haumaru i tenei wa hararei. Ki a ngi tu hoki te tau kei mui te aroro. Just be safe, don't overindulge too much, and, hey, have a wonderful 2020 and a successful 2020. Kia ora tatou. Right. That's it. Let's go. Cool. All right. Oh, wait. Wait. You go that way. I'll go this way. OK. Captions by Jake Ebdale. Edited by Alex Walker. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019