1 FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC RAPS: # A tiny little island at the bottom of the world. # There's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet? # 10-toed bare feet. # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around. # They know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet. # 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? # So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street like... # We're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? # 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Ahh! MYSTERIOUS MUSIC I have you right where I want you, Tumeke Space. (LAUGHS EVILLY) Pfft, not even, bro. Oh, it's very even. While you stand here about to die, my terrapods are hurtling towards a nearby planet. I'll soon have control of every living thing in the galaxy! (LAUGHS EVILLY) Shucks. What a stink guy. Looks like I'm gonna have to save the day. (CHUCKLES) See ya. Ha! What a clumsy fool! (YELPS, SHOUTS) Tu...meke! You may have escaped my grasp, Tumeke Space, but how do you think you're gonna stop all my terrapods in time? DRAMATIC MUSIC I'm just gonna have to go... fast as. JNR-572, you know what to do, bro. Setting ship speed to fast as, sir. BEEPING And what about the explosives, cuz? The bomb is set and ready to go off any moment now, sir. Shot, bro. TENSE MUSIC Aue! HEROIC MUSIC Argh! BOOM! ENGINE REVS, HORN HONKS Laters! HEROIC MUSIC Holy! That was awesome! Oh, Tumeke is the coolest, eh, Tane? Tu...meke! Tu...meke! Tumeke! Tu-me-ke! Tu...meke! OPERATICALLY: Tumeke! Tu...mekeeeeee! Yeah, I think that's quite enough of that. True. Kind of ran out of ways to say it, anyway. Well, that` That's not why I stopped. I could` I could have kept going on for ages. I've got a lot of different ways to... But I thought our time could be better spent elsewhere. Egg. BOTH LAUGH But seriously, bro, how cool would it be to go into outer space?! Hmm. Pretty cool. Do you reckon there's actually aliens out there? Tane, if there are, I'll protect you. I'll meet them face to face, and I'll say, 'Aliens, go away... RUMBLING '...and take your` your` your big slimy eyes and leave. Get out! 'What do you say, aliens?!' RUMBLING INTENSIFIES Whoa! (SHOUTS) OMINOUS MUSIC BOOM! (GASPS) BOTH: Terrapods! We have to go and check it out. Yeah, nah. Come on, bro. We're the Barefoot Bandits. Adventure is our life. Oh, come on, Tane. Can't we just be the Barefoot Bandits who place great importance on delicious snacks? STOMACH GROWLS The stomach doth speaketh. Who's got bare feet? You've got bare feet. We've got bare feet. 10-toed bare feet. BOTH: # Barefoot, ha! Give me somethin' now. # Barefoot, hoo! Sing it out now. # Barefoot, ho! Something something now. # Barefoot, ha! New word now. # Hoo! Ha! Hoo! Ha! # Wordy-word now. Wordy` # # Some other words now. # I have no idea where we're going with that song. We need to figure out an ending, because I'll` I'll just` I'm just making noises. Yeah. Shall we just get going? Yeah. I don't imagine there's convincing you otherwise. EERIE ALIEN MUSIC Ooh, nothing to see here. You know, clearly it's just our imaginations, just a silly dream dreamt up by a couple of sillies. Oh, good fun, though. I` I don't know about you, but I'm a bit bored now. You wanna go back to the tree house for a cup of tea or something? Maybe a biscuit? WHISPERS: Bro, this could be one of the greatest discoveries of all time. EERIE SQUEAKING Doubt it. Oh, stop it, Fridge. It's clearly an... BOTH: ...alien! (GRUNTS) Sorry about the freaky noise. (CHUCKLES) Squeaky shoes. SHOE SQUEAKS EERILY BOTH: Girl! You were right the first time. It's clearly an alien, and if my calculations are correct, even if the being left its vessel 10 minutes ago, it couldn't be more than` ...10 minutes away. Yeah, the name's Fridge, but you can call me... Fridge. I'm not sure why I was gonna give you a different option. Hey, look, stop me if I'm rambling` (SIGHS) Stop rambling. All right. Bit rude. Oh, wow! You've got some pretty choice gear. Where'd you get it from? Oh, um, my dad lets me use his old science equipment. I use it for the study of the UFO phenomenon and the search for extra-terrestrial life. You know, just whatever. (CHUCKLES) The name's Riley. My name's Tane. Me and Fridge call ourselves the Barefoot Bandits. Mean, eh? (LAUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY) It's a very exclusive club. Two-person maximum. Right... So, why do they call you Fudge? Fridge. I'm good at storing food, and for some reason magnets stick to me. A team of specialists once called me a misstep of nature. QUIRKY MUSIC So, do you really think this is a UFO? I do. I've been documenting strange light formations above Ngaro. If you look at exhibit A, you see a perfect formation of UFOs. Now exhibit B, taken just last night. Ooh, spot the difference. I'm great at these. Ye... Oh, oh. Ye... Yeah, look, it's pretty obvious, but I'm gonna let you say it first to see if we're both on the same page. There's clearly one missing light in this picture. One missing light in this picture! Yes. And I'm fairly certain that missing light crash-landed right here on Ngaro! WHISPERS: Terrapod. (GASPS) Tumeke Space? (GASPS) BOTH: Episode eight, season three, Terrapod Takedown! You like Tumeke Space? Yah! It's only the greatest TV show ever made. Look, I hate to be the thinky one here, but maybe someone should warn the people that a terrifying alien is somewhere on the island. Maybe? I don't know. Or you can just keep talking about TV. Up to you. Fudge is right. Fridge. The people of Ngaro need to know the truth. Riley, the Barefoot Bandits are at your service. Or we could just point you in the right direction. Kindly leave. Oh, don't mind him. He's a little bit chicken, eh? (CHUCKLES) (HISSES) No. Not... chicken. Um, sorry, what was that? Oh` Oh, what? What's that, Mum? It's Mum. Mum, what's that? I need to come home and straighten... the sock... rack? (SIGHS) What are you thinking, Fridge? No one's got a crooked sock rack. Stupid. OK, let's warn the mayor, but if we do see an alien and I start screaming, it's my squeaky... bare feet. (SIGHS) Off we go, then. 1 FANFARE PLAYS Well, as the mayor of Ngaro, I would like to thank you all for turning up to this very prestigious ribbon-cutting ceremony. It's wonderful to see so many familiar faces. And, of course, it's an honour to see the Queen herself at the back there, gracing us with your presence, Your Majesty. POSHLY: Well, I wouldn't miss it for the world, Dennis. NORMAL VOICE: Oh, righto, uh, Your Majesty. Maybe we should catch up afterwards? You know, I'll be finished at about 5. We could have a cup of tea. (CLEARS THROAT) Right, where was I? Uh, and now without further adieu, I now declare the Ngaro luxury spa... open! Cool fort, man. Aah! I'm not using your good scissors, Mum. (SIGH) Oh, it's just you guys. Oh, it's good to see you three have all found each other. You know, cos you're all a bit... well, I wanna say 'odd', aren't you? I think he's talking about you. Mr Gobb, something has crash-landed on the island. (STAMMERS) An extra-terrestrial! What? Eh? An extra car aerial? An extra-terrestrial. An alien being is here on Ngaro, and we've found his crashed ship. I see. Right. And the car aerial is where? Riley's telling the truth, Mr Gobb. We've been invaded by aliens. We need to warn everyone. (SIGHS) All right. Well, show me what you've found. Well, kids, it's pretty obvious what we have here. I think you'll find it's a weather balloon. Uh, that is not a weather balloon. Yes. Look ` it's totally balloony. Look. ZAPPING (SCREAMS) THUD! > Yep. Yep, very weather-balloony. (CHUCKLES) (SCOFFS) If it's a weather balloon, touch it again, then. Go on. TENSE MUSIC It's fine. I` I just touched the wrong bit last time. I don't know why I touched there. I should've touched this bit just here. ZAPPING Oh no! Yaaaah! THUD! (GROANS) It's just a static build-up from these pants. ZAP! They're new. Yep, so that's pretty much settled. I think it's all in your imagination. So no need to send the island into a panic. Now, better get off home, I think. (GASPS, WHISPERS) Mr Gobb, there's something behind you. HEAVY BREATHING It ran right past those rocks. Just calm down, everyone. It's not an alien, OK? Might just be a wolf. Or maybe it was a panther. What's a panther doing on the island? Or maybe a dinosaur. Maybe it's a velociraptor! They're the fastest. Oh, you're freaking yourself out. What are you doing? What's going on? > Look, that's enough. Stop talking, all right? What's done is done. We've solved it. There's nothing unusual invading my island. Best we all just keep calm and turn a blind eye. RELAXING PIANO MUSIC Oh, now, that is a revitalising sensation. I do like to place great importance on skincare. A lot of gentlemen in today's society don't talk about it. In fact, some of them are ashamed. But I'm not. I think it's very important to get the lotions on the face. CRASH! SNARLING > Hello? Is someone there? Don't` Don't come in, will you! < SNARLING (GASPS) Not because I've got moisturiser on my face ` which I don't, cos I'm a man. Hello? SNARLING (WHIMPERS) Uh, kids? It's, uh` It's getting a bit late, isn't it, to...? Look, I told you, there's no alien on Ngaro, so... SNARLING, SLAVERING Oh, there's an alien on Ngaro! (WHIMPERS) Too much steam. Great for the pores, but not now. (SNARLS) Aah! (WHIMPERS) Back we go. Back we go. Is`? Is anyone there? Oh, please don't harm me. SNARLING SCARY MUSIC (SCREAMS) (CONTINUES SCREAMING) And that's how I screamed when the alien, you know, sniffed... my bottom. An alien? Sounds pretty far-fetched, Dennis. You sure it wasn't a weather balloon? No. But I thought that too, Jack. Great minds think alike there. Uh, but this one actually had more of a nose to it, and definitely an alien feel about it. (HICCUPS) Oh, check it out. I was abducted by aliens once. They p` put me in a little room with bars and gave me one phone call. Ah, I believe they call that jail, Harry. (HICCUPS) Are you sure? Cos it had guards, and I had to wear an orange jumpsuit. Yes, Harry. You're just listing things you find in jail. Oh dear. Shh! (HICCUPS) (GROANS) Please don't tell my mum I was in jail. This is serious. We've seen the crashed UFO. Yes. What if they're like those body-snatching aliens and they're looking for host bodies? WHISPERS: Like yours. Yours, woman. (GROANS) Seems unlikely, Fridge. There's a good chance they just want to experiment on us. To them, we'll be a highly primitive species. Right. Well, thank you for your very creepy ideas, children. (SHIVERS) BRIGHTLY: Right. Now, does anyone actually have any ideas on how we may tackle this problem? How about we catch it, then I look it straight in the eye and say, 'Hey, you're not real. I am.' And I'm not sure why I left my house for this. Oh, thank you, Mr Slab. Always a pleasure to have you here. OK, look, look. Listen up. We need a good, strong team to go out there and hunt this thing down. Oh, very powerful, Jack. Yes, my thoughts as well. My vote goes to Tane, Fridge and Riley. What? (GASPS) You can't send the kids. No! What? Can't we? You are not sending children to catch an alien ` or whatever it is. But that Riley girl is quite the expert on this sort of phenomenon. Dennis, they're kids. And we all know that Fridge is scared of his own shadow. And he's got a scream so high-pitched only dogs can hear it. All right, mate. They get the idea. Look, i-it was just an idea, a good idea. Maybe we should have a vote. Who thinks that the kids should go? SCOTS ACCENT: Och, I vote for Dennis to go and never come back. Thank you, Mother, but my name's actually not on the ballot, so shame-ola. Mr Gobb is right. We should track this thing down, trap it, and be the heroes of Ngaro. Heroes, like Tumeke Space. I'm in as. Everyone, this is what we call peer pressure. Off we go, then. FUNKY MUSIC I think the best place to set a trap is near the crash site. The alien is sure to return to its ship. And when it does ` ding, ding, ding, we have a winner. And proof that I was right ` right all along. (CHUCKLES GOOFILY) Or, you know, something like that. (SIGHS) This is going to be so awesome! There's no looking back now, Fridge, OK? We got this. SAD PIANO MUSIC EMOTIONALLY: If I don't come back, please remember the good times we had together. Thank you, mince and cheese. Thank you. (SOBS) Shh! Don't cry. Wipe your cheesy tears. Goodbye, my love. Goodbye. TANE: Hurry up, egg! 9 SPOOKY ALIEN MUSIC Ah! This should be the perfect spot to catch it. From the angle of these unusual scratch marks, the alien's headed deep into Stony Rocks, and this is the only way out. So let me get this straight. When it gets near the rope, I shove the boulder and then we catch the alien? Or do I pull it? I can't pull the` Look` Lotta pressure here. Get it together. I'm all mixed up! It's not working! Just push it, Fridge. You'll do great. This is it, Riley. (SIGHS) Moment of truth, eh. Guess one of us will, uh, (CLEARS THROAT) have to go in and lure it out. Yes, lure it out. (GASPS) What are we doing? We can't take on an alien by ourselves. I haven't thought this through. That does sound pretty terrifying. Yeah. I'm sorry, guys. I guess my love of all things alien clouded my judgement. That's it. Riley, Fridge, wait there. I'm going in. But what if it tries to eat you? Well, I guess, just like the heroic Tumeke Space, I'm just gonna have to go... DING! ...fast as. SCARY MUSIC (BREATHES SHAKILY) SNARLING (GASPS) SNARLING Holy, this is scary as. (BREATHES SHAKILY) (GASPS) SNARLING Ooh! B-Be warned, alien scum, I've got my dad's axe. (SNARLS) Ooh! Stay back, stay back. I'll throw it, I will! I-I-I'll throw my axe! (BREATHES HEAVILY, SNORTS) (GRUNTS) DING! (GASPS) (SNARLS HOLLOWLY) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) It's coming! Fridge, get ready. (GASPS) (GROANS, STRAINS) (GASPS, WAILS) Hey, bro. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS LOUDER) RUSSIAN ACCENT: Please, no need for high-pitched dog whistle. I already hear. (CHUCKLES) Oh my goodness. The dog ate the alien. Guys, the dog is the alien. And he can talk. Yes, dog who can talk from Russia. My name Laika 9A ` not alien. (CHUCKLES) It pleasure to meet you. They thought you were an alien. Quite embarrassing for them. I wasn't convinced. I thought you were other things. But... we saw the crashed UFO. You were meant to be my proof. Apologies, girl human. What you found was my environmentally controlled safety module. I was sent on a suborbital space flight, only to find myself hurtling out of control. So... how come you can talk? All Russian space dogs can talk. It's part of our very unusual training. Otherwise, how can we use walkie-talkie? (SNICKERS) Also, I can do this. (GRUNTS) This makes you feel more comfortable, no? N-No. No, actually. I just` It's just strange. Really just doesn't look natural at all. Yeah, you'll get used to it. I'm sorry, Riley. I know you really wanted it to be alien invaders. It's OK. It was pretty cool of you guys to help me out. STRAINS: It's beautiful, guys. But if you could maybe get me down, that'd be super-duper. QUIRKY MUSIC Look, you're not listening to me, OK? All I'm saying is maybe, just maybe, the alien will go easy on an old, bitter woman in a wheelchair. You aren't sending Bessy, and that's final. How could you do that to your own mother, Dennis? Oh, look, the poor thing's fallen asleep. Oh, I'm not asleep. I'm just closing my eyes so I can't see Dennis any more. Are you sure we can't send her? Hello! Listen up, you fullas. We found the alien. ACCORDION MUSIC Meet Laika, a dog from the Russian space programme. So, unfortunately, not the alien I'd hoped for. But never stop the hoping. We are not alone. (GASPS) Apologies for causing ruckus. It great pleasure to meet you all, yes. Oh, well, that explains the bottom-sniffing. Right, OK, folks. Well, there it is. False alarm. It was nothing more than a talking Russian space dog who walks on two legs, so you can all go home now. Bit of a let-down, really, isn't it, to be honest. So, what do we do with you? Well, considering I'm a dog, you maybe want to check my dog tags and then give my owner a call. It's pretty obvious. (SNICKERS) QUIRKY MUSIC Riley, today you showed us that you have what it takes to be a Barefoot Bandit. You demonstrated bravery, smarts and a love of cool-as stuff, and that's pretty choice, eh. She's all right, I guess. Anyone who objects to Riley becoming a Barefoot Bandit, please say nay. Nay. (GASPS) Look at her feet. They are not bare. Not a problem. Shoe kick. THUD! With that sorted, all in favour of Riley becoming the third Barefoot Bandit say aye. Aye. (GROANS HEAVILY) Aye. Oh, thanks, Fridge, you loveable goofball. Give us a hug! (GROANS) Get out. Riley, welcome to the club. Whoo! Didn't ask to be involved, but, yeah, I'm in. So, what do the Barefoot Bandits do? Shall we say it at the same time, Tane? Heaps of things. Stay away from danger. FUNKY MUSIC Captions by Pippa Jefferies and Tracey Dawson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016