RAPS: # A tiny little island at the bottom of the world. # There's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet? # 10-toed bare feet. # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around. # They know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet. # 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? # So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street like... # We're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? # 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Ahh! Previously on The Barefoot Bandits ` Do you reckon there's actually aliens out there? Tane, if there are, I'll protect you. STEAM HISSES Ooh, nothing to see here. SCARY MUSIC (SIGHS) The name's Riley. My name's Tane. Fridge, but you can call me... Fridge. Oh, it's good to see you three have all found each other, you know, cos you're` you're all a bit... odd. We should track this thing down, trap it and be the heroes of Ngaro. Riley, today you showed us that you have what it takes to be a Barefoot Bandit. Welcome to the club. Whoo! Didn't asked to be involved, but, yeah, I'm in. WIND WHISTLES TINKLING MUSIC CURIOUS MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC WIND CONTINUES WHISTLING DRAMATIC MUSIC QUICKENS MUSIC QUICKENS FART ECHOES ICE RUMBLES, WIND WHISTLES DRAMATIC MUSIC INTENSE, DRAMATIC MUSIC BIRDS CHIRP Ooh, what was that? (SNIFFS) Hmm, wonder who that was. I guess I'll never know. Oh well, not my concern. DRAMATIC MUSIC EERIE MUSIC RILEY: Behold the vast expanse of space in all its glory. It stretches the limits of our imagination cos it's so big. DRAMATICALLY: So vastly vast. You think walking to the shops is a long way. Well, that's peanuts compared to space. FRIDGE: Peanuts? What'd you say about peanuts? Space, the final front` Just to be clear, there are no peanuts, right? I just wanna know where we stand on the snack situation. It's just that it's all I can think about now is peanuts. (SIGHS) Shut up, Fridge. When you look at space, it's impossible to believe that we're all alone. But you're not alone. You've got us. Speaking of cheesy mush, crisis avoided. I found Cheez Goo. It's the cheese you're pleased to squeeze. (WARBLES) Hey, Riley, it must be cool as living in an observatory. Yeah, it is cool, isn't it? Well, you know, it really helps with my ongoing search for extraterrestrial intelligence. Mmm. I only understood three of those words, but if I had a ginormous telescope, I'd be pointing it all over the island. Huh? Yeah, um, that's called spying. Yes, we should do that. Totally. This is a state-of-the-art hyperbolic Sagan Stargazer. It'll be perfect for spying. Yes! Yes! Over there. Nah. Point it that way. No, right. To the left. I'm doing it! Take your hands off it, Fridge. The other way. Neither of you can touch it. It's just me now. OK. (CHUCKLES) Eh... (CHUCKLES) Hmm... ALL: Hmm... That wasn't very exciting, eh? (GASPS) Wait. I see something. (GASPS) Is it nudies? Holy black-holey. It's... An iceberg? Look, I don't really get what the big deal is. I mean, it's just a lump of frozen water. But it's gonna hit the island! DRAMATIC MUSIC Oh, it'll probably melt by the time it gets here. It'll be nothing more than a tiny ice cube, barely big enough to chill a small drink, like a non-alcoholic tropical fizz or perhaps a cinnamon iced tea. Oh, that would be... Could you rustle that up? (GROWLS) Why would an iceberg just suddenly decide to break off and float towards us, anyway? Global warming? Global warming ` yeah, right (!) More like global boring. Pure bunk, that is. It's a fad, like skateboarding. What? It's not bunk. Scientific consensus proves that. Science proves? Well, what science ever done? Did science put us on the Moon? Did science split the atom? Did science cure loneliness? Did it? What`? What's the verdict on that? Is there drops for that or...? Look, kids, no one is interested in your scaremongering about a glorified ice cube. Let me show you what people are actually interested in, all right? Chutney! LIGHT BULBS CLICK, AUDIO FEEDBACK WHINES Once again, Ngaro Island is proudly hosting the annual Chutney Fest. It's the 20th anniversary, and what's more exciting is we've got a special celebrity judge, famous television chef Paella Parson! How about that? But, Mr Gobb, this is more important than a chutney festival. (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah, right (!) Nothing's more important than Chutney Fest. Now off you go. Go on. Oh, here, here. Take some chutney to impress your little friends. That's my extra-spicy Brussels sprout chutney. SINGSONGY: 'What makes it spicy?' Well, it's the spice. (SINGSONGY) It's the spicy that makes it nice-y. Like they say. Y` You too, Mr Slab. You can` You can leave. (GROWLS) QUIRKY MUSIC Did you see the way I handled them, Paella? HIGH-PITCHED: Oh yes, I did, Dennis. Ooh, you're such a man of action. (GIGGLES) Ugh, you really are pathetic, Dennis. 1 Why won't he listen to us? That fool. He's doomed us all. (GASPS) You said fool. Fool isn't a swear word. (GASPS) I've been fooled. If only we could get across to that iceberg and attach a boat motor, then drive it away from the island. Sorted. (GIGGLES) What do you guys think? Tane, that's a brilliant idea! But we'd need to get over to the iceberg first. Don't worry. I can get you over there. Oh, that's all right. (SHOUTS, SCREAMS) It's so hot! (SCREAMS, BABBLES) It's so hot inside of my mouth! It hurts to speak! It hurts to speak! Oh, so hot! (GASPS, SIGHS) Bro, why are you eating that weird stuff, anyway? Oh, never refuse free food. That's one of my life rules, along with never share your soup and never trust a caveman. Hold up. What did you just say? I said never trust a caveman. No, no, no, no, no. Not you. You. I said I can get you there. DRAMATIC MUSIC TENSE MUSIC Bro, I don't think you should be drinking that stuff. Why? This is Super Rhino Charge Plus Primo Max. It's hypercarbonated for faster energy delivery, 10 times the caffeine and sugar of any other leading brand and endorsed by extreme athletes from around the world. That's a lot of sugar and caffeine, Fridge. Yeah, I know, but I can change sugar into ideas, into imagination, into dreams ` dreams of a new tomorrow, dreams and action, dreams that are the future, like children are the future, dreams of flying, dreams of going to school and finding out you've forgotten to wear pants. Mr Slab, hey, what do all these machines do? The old hot dog delivery system. DRAMATIC MUSIC Kea redistributor. Mega toaster. That's your watermelon passer. Mr Slab, uh, do you have any inventions that, I don't know, don't involve catapulting things? No. Oh, the humanity! (WHIMPERS) In you go, little fella. In you go. (WHIMPERS) So, how do we get to the iceberg? The Slabshot. HEAVENLY MUSIC At least it's not another catapult. Oh, this is a catapult, isn't it? Is everybody ready? (GULPS NOISILY) I'm all good. Good to go. How about you, Tane? Tane looks good. How about you, Riley? Riley looks good. Three good to go. Three good to go. How about you, Mr Slab? You good? You look good. Are you good? Good to go. Wait, are you not coming with us, Mr Slab? Not a chance. Three, two,... Ooh, wait. I need to go... ...one. ...wee-wee! Well, technically, yes, I guess you could call it a... a catapult. Cold, just how I like it. Are we there yet?! Almost! Stop asking! It's just that I really need a toilet! You'll just have to hold it in! Put a peg on it, just like we do in the tree house! ALL GRUNT I'm just becoming... very aware that my... safety helmet doesn't seem to be regulation. ALL GRUNT, GROAN Whoo! Smooth ride. Gotta go! Gotta go, go, go, go, go! Excuse me, sorry. Gotta go. Gotta go. (MUMBLES) (GROANS RELIEVEDLY) > # Wee, wee, wee, wee. Little golden wee-wee... Is he singing? Um, I think he's turning sugar into dreams. Big finish now. # Flow free, little wee-wee! # VOICE ECHOES (SIGHS) Terrific acoustics in here. Oh, look, a sausage. SPUTTERING (GASPS) OMINOUS MUSIC (GASPS) (GRUNTS) We can't lift this motor by ourselves. (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) > Fridge! OMINOUS MUISC Whoa! Look at that! Guys, I think I did a wee on an ice monster. Um, also some of it ran down over there, so just, you know` this would've been a good time to have shoes. I know we're barefoot, but that's gonna be gross. Check it out. It's totally like that movie with the thing from another planet trapped in ice. I think it was called (GASPS) The Thing From Another Planet Trapped in Ice. Freaky. So you think it could be an alien in there? Without a doubt, 100% certain that it's definitely possible. Bro, this could be one of the greatest discoveries of all time. Oh, Fridge, what's that? Uh, cream of pumpkin. Ugh, not that. That. DRAMATIC MUSIC (GROWLS) ALL SCREAM ALL: Mammoth Man! (GROWLS, MUTTERS) OMINOUS MUISC (MUTTERS) BOTH SCREAM (GROWLS) WIND WHISTLES, GROWLING ECHOES, ALL PANT Don't look down. Just keep moving. (GROWLS) (SCREAMS) Oh, his hands are like ice. (GRUNTS) (GROWLS, MUTTERS) ALL SHOUT Hold on tight! ALL SHOUT, GRUNT Whoa! (SCREAMS) ICE RUMBLES ALL PANT (SIGHS) That was a weird mix of terrifying and fun. Where do we go now? The only way is up. DRAMATIC MUSIC ALL GRUNT, WIND WHISTLES I don't think I can make it! I'm not very athletic! I got you, bro. DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES Phew. I think we lost him. (GROWLS) KIDS SHOUT SCARY MUSIC What? We're back where we started? Hmm. (INHALES SHARPLY, GRUNTS) Please, sir, we are sorry for disturbing your rest, but, bro, we'd really like to extend our hand of friendship. And Fridge is sorry for doing number ones on you. (GRUNTS) What the? (GRUNTS) Hey! (BABBLES) (SIGHS, MUTTERS) Oh, your tongue was frozen. You just wanted the soup to` ...defrost your tongue. Mmm. (BURPS) Is this pumpkin? Hang on, hang on, hang on. Mm-hm. With a hint of paprika, orange zest, nutmeg and, if I'm not mistaken, a dash of maple syrup. Mum puts it in for sweetness. (LAUGHS WHEEZILY) Nailed it! You know, really lovely bit you said about the hand of friendship, by the way. Really sorry that I couldn't thank you because I had the whole frozen-tongue thing going on. MUFFLED: (BABBLES) 'Thanks, mate!' That's what it would have sounded like. (BABBLES) But that's what I was trying to say. Um, excuse me? Are you, by any chance, an alien? ROBOTICALLY: Yes, I am an alien. No, I'm not. I'm not an alien. I mean, honey, that wouldn't be realistic, would it? Actually, it's a bit of an embarrassing story, so gather round. Gather round. I'll tell you. OK, so I was going to a party and I decided to, you know, wash my furs, as you do, and, well, I heard about global cooling. Mm, the Ice Age. Yes, the Ice Age, but I'm telling the story. My story. Good boy. Yeah, there was a lot of talk about it. Everyone kept saying, 'Ooh, the Ice Age is coming!' 'Hey, watch out, the Ice Age is coming! like that, and I didn't expect it to happen so fast. The next thing I know, wham, bam, frozen! For quite a long time, I assume. Around 40,000 years at a guess. I imagine that must have been terrible for you. 40,000 years?! Wow, that is a long time. So I guess my lawns would be overgrown. (LAUGHS WHEEZILY) LAUGHS: 'My lawns would be overgrown,' because it's been 40,000 years and the` the lawns... OK, yeah, seriously, it wasn't too bad for me. You know, I got a lot of me time, a lot of time to think. I mean, it was good. I wish I hadn't missed out on that party, though, cos Sheila was going. Whoa. (TRILLS) Whoo! I was hoping to tell her how I felt about her. Aw, sad story. Oh, that is sad, kid. Now you're making sense. I don't think I really stood a chance. I mean, she was more into (GRUNTS) Brad. Ooh, that hurts saying that name. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) I mean, I'm sure they ended up being very happy together. They both like figure skating. I mean, that's a bit... (SQUEAKS DERISIVELY, LAUGHS, CRIES) I was never really that big on it. Listen to me going on about my silly little problems. (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) I mean, you guys have got your own problems with the whole iceberg thing. I mean, we should` we should really do something about that. A... little brute strength would be helpful. 1 QUIRKY MUSIC Here goes. (GRUNTS) QUIRKY MUSIC CONTINUES (GASPS) (CLEARS THROAT) > Look, I know I'm only a recently defrosted primitive man with very little comprehension of your modern technologies and internal combustion engines, but presumably this device needs some kind of fossil fuel to power it. It's empty. Oh, we need fuel. Fuel? Hey? Hmm. It's not petrol. This won't` MOTOR STARTS (LAUGHS) BANG! BOOM! QUIRKY MUSIC (GASPS) That was... awesome! That was our only motor. We need a new plan. FEEDBACK WHINES, SCREECHES Uh, hello? FEEDBACK SCREECHES Two, two, one. Yep, you're hearing? OK. (CLEARS THROAT) Now, it is my great honour to present our celebrity guest judge to open the 20th annual Chutney Fest, the lovely and talented, wait for it, Miss Paella Parson! QUIRKY MUSIC HIGH-PITCHED: 'Uh, welcome, everybody. 'I am happy to be here and very happy that I didn't cancel, uh, at the last minute. 'Who would do that? (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY) 'Of course, that would have made Dennis look like a complete ninny.' Ach, that is a pathetic sight. 'Oh, what a spirited...' (DEEP VOICE) old biddy. (CLEARS THROAT) HIGH-PITCHED: 'Uh, so without further adieu, I now declare this festival open. 'And while you're all here, I would encourage you to try the free samples of my new range of chutneys, 'Paella's Delight.' It's delightful. (LAUGHS) A bit of clever wordplay there and an endorsement rolled up into one. Brussels sprout chutney ` ooh, I've gotta try that. (GASPS) WHOOSH! FLAMES CRACKLE (GASPS) DRAMATIC MUSIC (WHIMPERS) Any good? It's a little on the warm side. I wonder where Tane is. It's not like him to miss Chutney Fest. Got it. What if we make a sail and divert it off course? But we don't have anything to make a sail out of. You've been here awhile. Any ideas? I've got an idea. Um... RUMBLING Is that an idea? No, that's a statement. I'm really hungry. (LAUGHS) Oh yeah! Now it's Fridge's time to shine. (MUMBLES, HUMS) Oh, this is all I've got. Ah! Chutney! I do like chutney! In fact, I'm generally a fan of the whole family of condiments associated with South Asian cuisine made from a highly variable mixture of spices, vegetables or fruit. I don't think you're gonna like this chutney. CHUTNEY SIZZLES TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Right, that's the toast finished. Guess I'd better warn everybody about the iceberg. FAST-PACED MUSIC Hurry up, you fullas! Spread that chutney! Ooh! It really gets up there in the... in the sinuses. (GASPS) You modern children, you're very wasteful, (CHUCKLES) but it's working a treat. (GRUNTS) No waste here, mate. Oh my God, it is hot! (SCREAMS) (LAUGHS) You're a silly little girl, aren't you? It's very entertaining. I like it. It's much better than watching ice melt for 40,000 years. Now, technically, this one isn't really a chutney. It's actually a kimchi, which is a Korean pickle. HIGH-PITCHED: 'Oh, that's very nice. 'What kind of cabbage do you use?' (SHOUTS) Iceberg! Oh, duh! Iceberg's a lettuce, not a cabbage. RUMBLING Cabbage! DRAMATIC MUSIC All right, everybody calm down. There is no iceberg, all right? ICE RUMBLES (SHOUTS) (SCREAMS) Oh, it's an iceberg! Go! Run for your lives! Mother! Top speed! Come on, top speed! Ach, hold your horses. Your cardboard 'girlfriend' isn't going anywhere. What? She's` She's not cardboard. How absurd. What's wrong with you? You hear that, everyone? Not cardboard. Oh, you can all stop thinking that. No need to panic. The iceberg is fully melted. Oh, of course it has, just like I said it would, didn't I? (GASPS) (SCREAMS) Mammoth Man! Mammoth Man? Who's that? Why do people keep shouting that? 'Mammoth Man! Mammoth Man! (OPERATICALLY) Mammoth Man! Oh yeah. That's me, isn't it? Silly me. (LAUGHS) Oh, guys. The party he was going to was a... BOTH: ...costume party. Yeah, a costume party. Good guess, kids. In retrospect, I should have taken the costume off much earlier. I'm just a run-of-the-mill, 40,000-year-old, rugged, handsome, slightly sensitive caveman. (LAUGHS) HIGH-PITCHED: 'Mammoth Man, oh.' Ooh, is more chutney? Mmm. < Oh. Mmm. Eating is not merely a material pleasure. Eating well gives a spectacular joy to life and contributes immensely to goodwill and happy companionship. (GASPS) Hello. Did you make this? Silent type, eh? I like it. (SIGHS) I know we've only just met and this may come across positively Neanderthal, but would you like to have a cup of coffee with me? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, bucko! I was going to ask her that, thank you. You look... frozen stiff. Why don't you let me... warm you up? Oh, what does she see in him? Mm, rugged good looks? Perfectly sculpted beard? I don't know what the fuss is. I don't like him. Can't see what she's thinking there. Rule number three, Mr Gobb. Never trust a caveman. Never trust a caveman. FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC Captions by Pippa Jefferies. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Copyright Able 2016 LETTERS SQUEAK