RAPS: # A tiny little island at the bottom of the world. # There's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet? # 10-toed bare feet. # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around. # They know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet. # 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? # So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street like... # We're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? # 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Ahh! THUNDER RUMBLES GERMAN ACCENT: Now, Tumeke, come, come. Here, quick, look at zis. For your latest adventure ` oh, this is good ` you won't just be travelling in space, no, no no; you will also be travelling through time. ALL EXCLAIM Tumeke Space and Time. Choice! Ve vill be catapulting you around the sun and back in time. But zere is just one thing you must remember. The temporal merging hypothesis? No. You must remember the timeline corruption hypothesis. (GASPS) The butterfly effect. Exactly. Yes, zat one! Shot! You nailed it, bro. Zere is a theory that if a butterfly flaps its wings about on one side of the planet, it could cause a hurricane on ze other side. Far! That must be a pretty big butterfly. (LAUGHS GOOFILY) So you must remember, even if you make the teeny-tiniest change in ze past, you could change ze future forever. So, Great-Great-Uncle Hornblower Gobb was married to Great-Great-Aunt Eustace Gobb. Their children were` BEEP! So, their children were Gus, Dolly` BEEP! Right. Mum! It's happening again! SEAGULLS CALL (SIGHS) This is nice. There's something so peaceful about the gentle crashing of the waves. If you listen, it's almost like music. WAVES LAP GENTLY (HUMS LOUD FANFARE) > (CONTINUES LOUD FANFARE) # He has arrived! # Uh, what are you wearing, bro? This? This is a bold fashion statement ` that I took off the washing line. A cape. I like it. But it's a tea towel. Wrong! It's fashion. Everybody who's anyone is wearing a cape these days, and it's all the rage. Haven't you noticed? Super-Duper Man, Acrobat Man, Wonderful Woman, Captain USA, Iron-Bot Man... The list goes on. Yeah, comic book characters. That's where you're wrong, my fashionably challenged friend. DEEP VOICE: They are heroes. Bro, wearing a cape doesn't make you a hero. Maybe not, but it does make me the envy of all my friends. So you two. Yeah. I kinda want one. Not me. I think you look like a... THUNDER RUMBLES LIGHTNING CRASHES Uhh, so that was...? ...scary-slash-awesome. Let's go check it out. Oh yes, we should totally walk towards the scary lightning (!) Did that sound sarcastic? That was meant to be sarcastic, but I think I got it wrong. I don't think we should go towards the lightning. That's a bit clearer. Obviously not. Blitzen, come on! > (GROANS) HISSING SCARY MUSIC TANE: Guys, it's this way. Please be aliens. Please be aliens. Please be aliens. SNAP! (GASPS) Now, be careful, guys. My uncle once got zapped by lightning, and now his hair's all frizzy and orange. LAUGHS: He looks ridiculous. (GASPS) Look ` crop circles. But there aren't any crops. And those are kinda squarish. (GASPS) Cropless square crop circles. These are the strange, enigmatic symbols left by alien visitors to our world. Ho-ly! I'm freaked out ` but in a good way. (CHUCKLES) RUMBLING (GASPS) BEEPING ZAPPING, ALL YELL (GASPS) ELECTRICAL ZAPPING Yes! Aliens! (BREATHES HEAVILY) OK, you got this. (CLEARS THROAT) MAJESTICALLY: Greetings, visitors, to Planet Earth. WHISPERS: Riley, tell them we come in peace. No! Tell them that they come in peace. I reckon that makes more sense. I humbly welcome you to Ngaro Island. Welcome. Nau mai ki a Papatuanuku. Does anyone know any other languages? Ah, I learnt Morse code while I was in Cubs. (CLEARS THROAT) Doot, doot, doot! (GRUNTS THREE TIMES) Doot, doot, doot, doot! (GRUNTS TWICE) Oh, I've made a mistake. You're an egg. Hello! (KNOCKS) Anyone in there? BEEPING WHIRRING, HISSING Is that...? Whoa, it's sci-fi luggage. Maybe we should see what's inside. Wonder if they make backpacks. Wait! Let me be the voice of reason here. If you were an alien and you'd travelled thousands of light years to be here, then maybe, just maybe, you might not be happy to find that someone has been rummaging around in your luggage. Ugh, I suppose that's a good point. Finally! (SIGHS) BEEPING Huh? MAJESTIC MUSIC U-F-O-M-G! Whoa! Cool. > Is it too late to call in a responsible adult? So you see, Mr Slab, as crazy as it sounds, I seem to keep sort of blinking in and out of existence. I don't know who else to turn to. Hm, well, a doctor would've made sense. (SIGHS) You know, Dennis, sometimes we all feel a little invisible. Maybe people are just ignoring you. BEEP! Just then! It happened just then! (GROANS) You missed it! You turned your head. Uh, sorry, Dennis, what was that? I was ignoring you. 9 Whoa! I think it's some kind of spacesuit. Oh choice. SQUEAKING I'm gonna go on the record saying that this is not a very good idea. Doesn't fit, anyway. Bit floppy ` look. Get` (GRUNTS) ROCK CRASHES (GASPS) No way! Guys, guys! Whoa! ZOOMING I... can't... stop! (GRUNTS) Whoo! (PANTS) Thanks. Whoa! Huh? Be careful with that, bro. It's a cape. You know what that means? MAJESTIC MUSIC Fridge,... you should jump from somewhere much higher. DEEP VOICE: Good call, Riley. Up, up, and that way` (SCREAMS, COUGHS) You guys should totally ring an ambulance. Tell them to come here and see how graceful I was. (GROANS) Guys, hey, this stuff is a bit dangerous, eh. I think we better just put it back where we found it. What's that? Mystery button. Must press! WHIRRING Whoa! It belongs to D Gobb? Uh, that's funny, cos that's Mad Dennis' name. W-Wait on. So Mr Gobb is a superhero? That just doesn't sound right, eh. Something big and complicated is going on, and we need to talk to Mayor Gobb right away. (PANTS) (GRUNTS) PULSING NOTE BLEEPING Well, that was a waste of a good hour. Thank you, Mr Slab (!) Last time I go to you for medical advice. RUSTLING, BLEEPING WHIRRING ZAP! Ooh! See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll` Oh, no luck on that one. That's not a penny, that's a` What's that? A washer! So much for good luck. Oh, hello, Harry. What are you up to? I` I was just having a little holiday in a box. Right. Oh, well, it's good to see you back. Welcome back, then, Harry! WHIRRING So, look, I've managed to trace the Gobb family tree back 10 generations. SCOTS ACCENT: Och, what an incredibly boring use of your time. Boring? (SCOFFS) What would you know? This is` This is family history. Look, I've traced it. Ach, that's old news. (SCOFFS) You're old news. This is your problem, Mother. You've always been a glass-half-empty person. And I'm a glass-half-full. I'd say you're more of a halfwit. See? There you go ` always seeing the negative. Why can't you ever be proud of my achievements? I am the mayor of a whole island. Doesn't that impress you? Well, it's only a tiny island, and no one else wanted the job. (GROANS) Mother, you're such a` BEEP! ...dried-up old prune... BEEP! ...on the beach and someone went to kick ya, and you got stuck on their foot. BEEP! Only your eyeballs are working, and they're evil. BEEP! BEEP! ...furiating. Always negative ` Negative Nelly! BEEP! BEEP! SAD PIANO MUSIC ...when all I ever wanted was just a hug, you know? A-A tiny sign of affection, a bit of motherly love. There, I've said it! All these years I've just been bottling that up, and now it's out. What do you have to say now? (SNORES) Mother? (GROANS) Mother. Ooh, young people. This'll interest you. Now, this is General Hornblower Gobb. He was almost killed by a cannonball. Luckily, though, he was saved at the last minute by a mysterious stranger who pushed him into a cowpat. And this is Dr Franken Gobb, an inventor, who was almost fatally electrocuted by one of his own inventions. Luckily, it was unplugged at the last minute by a mysterious stranger. HOLLOW TAPPING Oh, Mr Gobb, that's a lot of mysterious strangers in your past. Exactly. In fact, it's our family motto. Here it is. That's where that saying comes from. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, don't think that's a saying. You're not a saying! Mr Gobb, I think we have something that belongs to you. Ooh! Is it my hopes and dreams? Because my mother has taken those away from me numerous times! Nah, it's better than that. Ooh. Oh, wow. OK. Uh, why am I looking at this? We think it's a superhero suit, Mr Gobb. The cape is particularly dashing. (CHUCKLES) You have to put it on! Dennis a superhero? Pfft! Hardly. (SIGHS) The nasty old woman is right. I'm no hero. Putting on some silly suit won't change that, kids. I'm just another in a long line of unassuming Gobbs. Run along now, children. I'll make sure this suit is put somewhere safe. Oh, that's a shame. That could've been something really exciting, eh. Well, there's still that weird, floaty orb thing in the forest. This can't be the end of the adventure. Ah, Tane, something frightening's eating your dad's car. RATTLING Hey! Stop breaking my dad's broken car! BLEEPING OMINOUS TONE, SNAPPING (GASPS) (YELLS) Oh! SNARLS Hey, Blinky. You don't touch my best bud! ELECTRICAL HUMMING Yeah! Eat mud, blockhead. SPLAT! CUBE GRUNTS HOLLOW TAPPING SQUEAKING, WHIRRING CUBE ROARS ARMS WHOOSH BLEEP! DOORS HISS 9 What are you looking at, huh? Got a eye problem? < Looks like it's got a severe case of... gawk-a-litis. Yee-hah! Mr Gobb! You put the suit on! Sorry I couldn't get here sooner, kids. I couldn't work out how to fly! Huh, I hear you. Mr Gobb! Ho! Everything fits perfectly. It does. It's a little snug around the bathing suit area, but otherwise it's very... suitable. That's wordplay, cube! CUBE GROANS WHIRRING HISSING Get its arms! They totally come off. Yeah. And if you throw mud at it, it gets, uh, dirty. (GRUNTS) METAL CLACKS Aah! Ooh! Whoo-hoo! Look at us! We're like a superhero team! Whoo! I shall call myself The Refrigerator! No, wait. That sounds wrong. Can I go again? I'm Tane Mahuta! And I'm... um,... Riley Strong! Heh! (GRUNTS) And I'm the Gobb-Stopper. (WHIRRS) HISSING What is going on here? Huh? Who's been messing with my car? What on earth is that thing? Dennis, why are you wearing women's clothes? SQUEAK! What`? Hey, come on! It's a low-cut vee. BESSY: He makes everything look womanly. What? (GROANS) Who wheeled her here? I came to see you make a fool of yourself. I actually have greatness in me, Mother, OK? And I'm gonna demonstrate that by punching this square thing squarely in its square face. Eat my bunched-up fingers, shoe box! Dennis, stop! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Naked lady! Oh, you've got no clothes on. That's because you're wearing my suit. Eh? But` But you've got no clothes on. Well, that's the thing when you're travelling in time. You have to travel nudey to avoid chafing. It's a comfort thing. So you're a time traveller? Yes. Me and my comrades have been travelling back from the future to save Dennis Gobb. The future? So you're not an alien? No. No, time traveller, not space traveller. You see, the Agents of Anarchy wanted to stop you ever being born, so they travelled back and tried to erase you from existence by eliminating your ancestors. Well, that explains all the blinking in and out of existence, then. Duh! And all those mysterious strangers. MAJESTIC MUSIC Uh, I see. Butterfly effect. Why me? Because in the future you do something so amazing, so fantastic, so awesome that you become one of the greatest men the human race has ever known. Well, there you go, Mother. Listen to that. I'm a radical dude! This, my friends, is the last Agent of Anarchy. Once this one is gone, you will be safe. I'm going to take her back with me. Her? But why do they want to destroy me? WHIRRING, HISSING Because you're an embarrassment. Uh, M-Mother? In the future, everyone raves on about how wonderful you are, and I couldn't stand it any more. It's nothing personal. Uh, it sounds a bit personal. Back in time to kill him? (GASPS) Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho! You're in trouble. Bit extreme. Couldn't you just go back and tell younger you not to have any kids? Ah, technically, yeah. But that doesn't sound very fun, does it? This is all very confusing. Time travel always is. It's a shame we didn't figure out how to fly. No, the suit doesn't fly. Why does it have a cape, then? Oh, that's just a killer fashion statement. Capes are the business. ROCKET ENGINES POWER UP There's just one thing I don't understand. Just one? I don't understand any of it. Why were Mr Gobb's initials on your luggage? Those are my initials. Dennis, I'm your great-granddaughter, Denenis Gobb. Granddaughter? Oh, this is too much. It's making my brain work. It's hurting my brain! (GROWLS) I don't like it. Excuse me, miss. Can you tell me what happens to us in the future? Don't worry about it. Everyone in the future knows the Barefoot Bandits. Hang on! Wait, wait! I forgot to ask ` what is it I do that's so great? What is it? Is it my chutney? Is it my famous chutney? THUNDER RUMBLES, CRACKS No! No, come back! I have more questions. Like who do I marry? And do I ever win the Tour de France? Why are you wearing clothes? You'll change, won't ya? You gotta change! BOOM! Ugh, what a horrible old cow she was. Glad she's gone. What sort of a mother would try to eliminate her own son from existence? Dennis, I'm... Say it, Mum. Go on, say those three words I've always wanted to hear. I... won't kill you. REFLECTIVE PIANO MUSIC Well, that's` that's four words, but I'll take it. Well, it's nice to know we become a big deal in the future. I'm not surprised, eh. Aah! A zombie dog. Oh, nah, it's just a regular, super-old nearly-zombie dog. Sorry, Blitzen. (GROANS) Blitzen, don't be lazy. We gotta get home. Here, boy! > (GROWLS) MAN: And now an important message from Tumeke Space. ROCK MUSIC What's up, you fullas? Today on Tumeke Space, we dealt with the very tricky and often plot-hole-riddled subject of time travel. Now, messing around with time travel can be very dangerous and should be left to the professionals. Even the slightest misuse can have devastating effects ` like when I went back and bought a scratchie and I didn't win anything. It was guts. Yeah, no luck here either, bro. It's all good. I just won three bucks. Holy! You should buy three more tickets, ow! Oh, oh, to sum up, be careful with time travel. So should we all go back and cash it in? One ticket each, what do you reckon? Don't be a stinge. Captions by Tracey Dawson. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.