RAPS: # On a tiny little island at the bottom of the world, there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet? # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around, # they know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street, like... # ...we're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Argh! UNSETTLING MYSTICAL MUSIC And so the legend goes the killer kahawai sits at the bottom of the sea bed, waiting for the dangling feet of the next unsuspecting child. Ooh, that is scary as. Guys, we're currently fishing! Stop freaking me out. I've got a scary story. Or do the opposite of what I said. Sure, thanks for listening (!) It's the tale of... the ghost dinghy! (GASPS DRAMATICALLY) You had me at dinghy. Sure, thank you. That'll calm me down (!) > This is a true story. WIND HOWLS When the fog lays thick on the water surrounding Ngaro Island, the ghost dinghy appears with nobody at the helm. The ghost dinghy lurks by secluded wharfs, floating ominously on the calm sea, waiting for its next,... fresh... victim! When the timing is right and all is deadly silent, the ghost dinghy rears up from the cold, dead sea below and devours its prey. (GASPS DRAMATICALLY) Then the ghost dinghy returns back to the fog from whence it came, leaving nothing more than a broken wharf. (BREATHES DRAMATICALLY) Creepy. (GROANS) No, it isn't. Boats can't eat living things. They don't have mouths or digestive systems, so as terrifying as your story is, I don't buy it. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Don't overthink it, bro. LINE TIGHTENS Oh man! Oh man! I've got something! Oh, here we go. Oh yes! Ooh, come to Papa! You beautiful... panini press! BOTH CHUCKLE Huh? Sweet catch, Fridge (!) Uh, it is a sweet catch, Tane, thank you very much. In fact, this will go perfectly with the rest of my growing kitchenware collection. One man's junk is worth another man's two in the bush. Yes. That's how the saying goes. That's definitely not how the saying goes. Ooh, la-dee-dah. All hail the queen of the sayings (!) Well, in my house, we've got a saying for people like you ` shush. LINE TIGHTENS Whoa! Now it's my turn. Choice! Whoa! Cool! Wait, how is that manky bottle cooler than a panini press? Oh! Unless it's fizzy drink. Is there fizzy drink in that bottle, Riley? Is there? Can I have a sip, please, Riley? Riley, can I have some of your fizzy drink? Riley. (GROANS) It's not fizzy drink, Fridge. It's a bottled message. (GASPS) It's a message in a bottle. (GRUNTS) Ah! May a gentleman get that for you, fair maiden? No, but a buffoon can give it a go. WHISPERS: That's you. A buffoon with luscious curly locks and the strength... (STRAINS) of a mighty kauri! (GRUNTS) Here, give it to me. Hmm. We can do this, Blitzen. (GROWLS, GRUNTS) (STRAINS) I'm not drinking from that bottle if that 1000-year-old dog has been slobbering on it. (GRUNTS) (GROWLS) (GASPS, SIGHS) No luck, boy. (HOWLS SOFTLY) Might have take this back to the tree house to open it. Oh, but just remember ` I loosened it. Or tightened it? I can never remember. Is it lefty close-y? (GROWLS SOFTLY) < SQUAWKING (SQUAWKS, LAUGHS) (BARKS) MYSTERIOUS MUSIC What do you think is in there? It's probably an ancient message from an alien race. Or it could be a love letter from a beautiful mermaid. But how did she know I would find it? I guess true love always finds a way. Oh, you're so weird. Fridge, pass me the limited edition B For Bandits bottle opener. Huh, you mean the stone with scribbly writing on it? I always wondered what this was. Safety goggles on, folks. CURIOUS MUSIC BOOM! CHORTLING Guys, it's an old-as treasure map! Wow. Awesome sauce. Fridge, check this out. Fridge? IMITATES PIRATE: I have travelled the seas for many moons, looking for my long-lost treasure, and now I have her in my sights, the island where my treasure awaits. Whoa, Fridge, you sound super-crazy. (CHORTLES) Crazy? If being lost at sea for many moons is crazy, then, my boy, you're right on the doubloons. What? There she is ` Toe Jam Island. (CHORTLES) There ` there is where me treasure waits. We must find my boat and set sail at once. Oh, yeah, amen. I don't know what's gotten into you, Fridge, but I think I like it. Oh, please, call me Captain Cragglechin McSkuttlebutt. Why? Because... Because it's my name. (CHORTLES) QUIRKY MUSIC (GROWLS) (SNARLS) SCREECHING (GROWLS SOFTLY) (SCREECHES) (SNARLS) WHEELS GLIDE (HICCUPS) Oh! Slow down, you hairy little boy. (LAUGHS) PIRATE VOICE: We are wasting time, boy! We must hit the high seas at once` Shh! Fridge, I have to ask my dad first. Dad, can we go on a boat over to Toe Jam Island to search for treasure? Toe Jam Island? You kids know that place is cursed, right? Cursed? Yes! > I hope it's an ancient alien curse, cos those are my favourites. See, Fridge? It's cursed. You still wanna go? I don't know who this refrigerator you speak of, but no curse will keep me away! Well, if you kids go, you make sure you are super-careful, or your mum will kill you, and then she'll kill me. You have my word, tall sturdy man. These children will return unscathed, enlightened and with bushy hair on their chests. Um, no chest hair for me, thank you. EERIE MUSIC PIRATE VOICE: (CHORTLES) Hey-hey! I see her! She's here! BOTH: (GASP, WHISPER) The ghost dinghy! EERIE MUSIC BUILDS (CACKLES) Mm. (CHORTLES) I knew you'd find me, old girl. Come on, land lubbers, there's treasure to be found! ACTION MUSIC CLICK! CLICK! LIFE JACKET GROANS ACTION MUSIC BUILDS THUNDER RUMBLES Is this going to take much longer? Feeling a bit seasick. We'll be there soon. How about a nice helping of fresh fish to settle those poor wee tummies, hmm? Raw fish is survival food. You should try it. It builds character. Well, your loss. More for me. NORMAL VOICE: Ew! I hate raw fish! Get it away! Get it away! PIRATE VOICE: Foolishness! Raw fish is an always food. (MUNCHES) Urgh. You know, I'm starting to think something has literally gotten into Fridge. Mmm. My God, that's good. QUIRKY MUSIC (GRUMBLES) (SIGHS) (SQUAWKS) (YELPS) SPLASH! (GRUMBLES) (LAUGHS) (SNARLS) MYSTERIOUS MUSIC BOTH GRUNT Thanks for helping, bro (!) Thank you for thanking me, young lad. Hmm. If my deductions are correct, north is that way. So with a few extra calculations` It's here. Huh? It's right here under my feet. You don't need to do any silly calculations. It's actually where I am standing. All right, then. Good. (CHORTLES, GRUNTS) Whoa, look at him go! Does he realise he's doing exercise? I feel like a small dog! (CHORTLES) It's here! It's still here! Wait, that's it? A dirty old hat? This completes me! Yes! (CHORTLES) BOOM! Oh yes. Now you can't see my secret bald spot. Shh. BOTH SCREAM (CACKLES) Wonderful. (SIGHS, GRUNTS) Does anyone have a mint? My mouth tastes like I licked a whale's bum. Oh, that's bizarre. Many thanks, lad, for the use of your, um,... jiggly, out-of-shape vessel. Eh? Bro! You had a ghost in you! Body-snatcher styles. Well, that explains why I came on this adventure without trying to get out of it ` ghost peer pressure. Typical. Hmm. No sign of ectoplasmic residue. Interesting. Eh? Eh? Someone's gutless. Stop! (CLEARS THROAT) I have a very ticklish tumbly tum. (CACKLES) Shame! He calls his stomach a tumbly tum. (GASPS, MUMBLES) Just like me. So, Captain Tragglechin. 'Craggle'chin, McSkuttlebutt. Yes? Um, that's it ` a dirty old hat? Well, I was, kind of, hoping for something like, kind of, golden, or, like, in a treasure chest or something, instead of a stink, kind of, hat-type treasure? (CHORTLES) My dear tiny shoeless ignoramus. This hat just make me look legit. The real treasure is high atop that treacherous mountain! MYSTICAL MUSIC Blargh! This carrot tells filthy lies. Get out of my car! Oh no! That crazy old sea hag has probably taken the treasure and swapped them for a bunch of cats. Oh, little orange boy, that crazy old sea hag hasn't taken the treasure; she is the treasure! My treasure, my forever love! Ew. Oh man. They belong together. Nasties. (SHUDDERS) Nasties on my tropical getaway! You know what to do, Kitty. (SQUAWKS) (CACKLES) PLOP! (SHRIEKS) No! The other thing you do. Fly! Fly! SEAGULLS SQUAWK Scratch their eyes out! Bring their remains to me! OMINOUS MUSIC No, my love! It` It's me, Cragglechin! Whoa, I don't think she wants us here. We better run! SEAGULLS SQUAWK (SHRIEKS) Seagulls! Ordinary run-of-the-mill seagulls! WHOOSH! Whoa! Where'd you get that fire from? Just over there. FLAMES CRACKLE I gave him $2, and he's just ignoring me. That's theft, mate. I could have bought a yummy pie with that money. A yummy pie! And one of the flash flavours, too! Huh! WISTFUL MUSIC (SIGHS HEAVILY) I've been gone too long. She's forgotten me. Her heart and her mind... ...have gone nuts. > Well, pretty much. Mm. Captain Cragglechin, who is she? Her name was Frida, and she was my soulmate. We found this island many years ago. It was to be our own private paradise. We were happy. We were content. Every day was perfect. Frida treated me like a king. Her heart was kind, and her love for me had no bounds. But as time passed, I felt guilty. I wanted Frida to have nice things too. I wanted to spoil her. She deserved more than just me. When I told her I was heading home to bring her treasures from afar, she pleaded for me to stay. I gave her my favourite hat and said I would be sure to return for it in a few days. She told me I was all she needed. But I didn't listen. I knew there was land nearby and there I would find the perfect gift for my one true love. But alas, it didn't go as planned. FILM REEL HUMS FORLORN STRING MUSIC I found myself lost at sea. Days and weeks passed. I would write love letters to my beloved to pass the time. I survived on rainwater and raw fish. Hunger and thirst would not be my downfall. A rusty hole in my boat, however, would be. As my boat slowly sank, I placed a map in my last remaining bottle... in the hopes that someone would find my beloved and she would know I never stopped thinking of her. As it came to the end, I whispered my last breath into the bottle,... 'I will return to you,... 'my treasure.' WISTFUL STRING MUSIC FILM REEL HUMS And you have helped me to return. SNIFFLING Don't cry, Riley. I'm not crying. (SNIFFLES) Yeah, me neither. My eyes are just allergic to sad stories. I need strong mortal hands to help me. I guess he found them. Chubby little yam hands work just as well. How dare you! But it's all for nothing. My love is lost. I broke her heart, and her mind has followed. We'll go talk to her, bro. We'll make her remember you. Oh, you would do that for me? Yeah, of course we would, right, Fridge? Maybe it's because I had a ghost wear me like a suit, but weirdly, I'm keen to help. Well, that's it, you fellas! We're going up that mountain, and we're gonna fix this, because we're the Barefoot Bandits. The Barefoot Bandits, you say? Well, go strong, little bandits. And remember, take care, because she's an absolute loony. QUIRKY MUSIC (SCREECHES) (GROWLS) (GRUMBLES) (LAUGHS) (GROANS) (SQUAWKS, GRUMBLES) (SCREECHES) (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) (GRUNTS) What are you doing, egg? We're here. I know. I'm trying to find out what this power cable is plugged into. (SIGHS) That's a vine. Right. So it wouldn't be plugged into, like, a microwave? Or pie warmer? Don't worry, Fridge. I'm sure the batty old sea hag will have something for us to eat. You'll be absolutely vine. (CHUCKLES) Vine? (SNORTS) Yeah. I'm sure she's serve up some vine dining. (GIGGLES) Uh, I don't like this, guys, whatever this little double-act comedy thing is. I don't like it. I don't find it funny. OK? Shh. I think the best approach is just to knock, smile, say who we are and tell her the whole story. WHISPERS: I'm pretty sure that it'll all be sweet as. WHISPERS: Then she'll make us jam and cream on scones, probably. If I know crazy old ladies, they love doing that kind of stuff. Why don't you tell her you have a book you wanna show her? People always come to our door with books. WHISPERS: Nah. My mum always locks the door and makes us hide behind the couch when people come to the door with books. Honesty, I think, is the safest approach. A strong knock is a confident knock. What? Good afternoon, ma'am. Huh? Do you think she's making some scones... for later? Yes, yes, you little trespassers will be perfect afternoon tea for my pet, Stuart. < Who's Stuart? He lives deep inside the mountain. (SOBS) But there's nothing but lava down there. Yes, that's him. He'll boil you horrible little nasties to perfection. ALL: Argh! Please, Miss, we're here to cheer you up! This is cheering me up! Now, keep quiet. Frida, stop! Argh, a ghost! Oh, I know him. Get out! Get out of here! Please, my love, don't you remember? It's me, Cragglechin. This is our private paradise. I didn't mean to leave you so long. Please try to remember, my sweet. When I'm done with these little nasties, I'm coming for you next. Cragglechin, the bottles on the shelf! My love letters ` you got them! Those are my happy bottles. Oh, you don't touch them. Frida, I wrote those love letters. I wrote those letters to you. No, no, no, my boyfriend wrote those. He's handsome, like a pumpkin. That's me. That's me. Look at me, Frida. Look, it's Cragglechin, your special pumpkin! Cragglechin, it's you? (SQUEAKS) You came back for me. (CHUCKLES) There she is. Oh, I missed you so much. I missed you too. I just wish I could have returned more alive. (CHUCKLES) Uh, excuse me. Sorry. (CLEARS THROAT) Just over here. Yeah, yeah. Um, so, just while we're on the subject of being alive, um, we would all quite like to stay that way. Oh my goodness. Oh, I must apologise. I can be a bit of a grump sometimes. (WHEEZES) It's all good. Anything for love, eh? Aw, I'd be grumpy too if I was covered in bird poo. Oh my, my, this ` yes, this really is quite dangerous, isn't it? I really should put up a safety warning before someone... Argh! (GASPS) Ha ha! Good news ` I just died. We can be together forever! My treasure. Aw. Congratulations, guys. Uh, I hate to bring it up again, but is there any chance there's actual treasure on this island? Have you seen the shack I live in? Take a look around ` what do you think? So now that's all sorted, where are those jam and cream scones you promised, eh? Get rustling. So long, tiny landlubbers. Thank you for everything. Now, if you don't mind, we're going to make out. Gross, bro. I think it's kinda sweet. It's good to see old folks in love, even if it is a bit gross. TINKLY MUSIC I don't mean to point out the obvious, but wasn't that our ride? Argh! Tane! Get in the boat. Your mother is furious with me. ALL LAUGH Hey, what's so funny here? Get in the boat! (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) (SQUAWKS) Captions by Amy Park. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.