FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC RAPS: # A tiny little island at the bottom of the world, there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet? # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around, # they know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet, 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? You wanna show your bravery? # Show just what you're worth? So kick off your shoes and release your feet. Yell it out the window. # Yell it in the street, like... # ...we're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Ow! Copyright Able 2016 I have been consumed by the pursuits that occupy the lives of the impossibly rich and the impossibly bored. I have a collection of the rarest birds known to men. (GOBBLES) Hush now, my precious black falcon. Many of these were obtained illegally, which is why I have found it necessary, from time to time, to employ the services of your good selves ` Warwick Pratt, low in intelligence, certainly, but makes up for it in strength; < virtually impervious to pain. Warwick, you iron your shirts while you're still wearing them. And, of course, Mother Pratt, < the head of this nefarious family duo. So evil that even Stevil the evil weevil cowers in her presence. Calm down, Stevil. Don't be so feeble. Now draw on your easel. As you know, my collection is almost complete. But I need your skills to obtain for me the rarest of rare birds ` the blue-beaked ballyhoo budgie. Money, as always, is no object. HUSKILY: So, where do we find this bird of yours? There is only known living ballyhoo in the world. It can be found on a tiny island at the bottom of the world, an island called... Ngaro. BIRDS CHIRP Hello. My name is Community Officer Roger McRogerson, but, uh, you can call me Officer Rodge to save breath. (SIGHS) OK? I'm here today to talk to you about a serious issue that affects us all here on Ngaro Island. That's right ` I'm talking about water conservation. (LAUGHS) And I've brought with me someone very special to talk to the boys and girls. It's Officer Bacon. There he is. Say hello to the boys and girls, Officer Bacon. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) FALSETTO: Hello, boys and girls. What's the matter, Officer Bacon? You look sad. FALSETTO: 'I am very said today, Officer Rodge, because on the way here today, 'I saw three water sprinklers operating in flagrant disregard of our water-conversation rulings.' So, Officer Bacon, water conservation sounds like a fascinating subject. Can you tell us more about it? FALSETTO: Very well. Water, or H2O, is created when... FALSETTO: ...the sky, and we collect it. They make up 90-something percent of... FALSETTO: ...forget that a 10-minute shower is more than enough. (GROANS) (SIGHS) And that's why water conservation is so important. And I will be keeping a very close eye on everyone's water consumption. So remember... FALSETTO: Don't flush our future down the drain. (LAUGHS) Bravo. Bravo. Does anyone have any questions for the dreamy` Oh, I'm sorry. Gorgeous` Oh! There it is again. I'm sorry. Um, beautiful` Uh, questions for, uh, Officer Rodge? Ooh. Have you ever had to chase down a criminal through an abandoned warehouse, and then through a field of wind turbines, and then he jumped on to a helicopter, and you shot down the helicopter, and he fell out of his chopper into the blades of the wind turbines, and then you said,... 'Sorry to cut you off'? Well, I, uh... I think you might be confusing me with an A-list, ruggedly handsome action-movie star there, Tane. Uh... (SIGHS) I'd cast you in my movie. (GIGGLES) Oh. OK. Oh, although, there was that time, uh, Mr Ahumani's chickens got loose. That was a pretty action-packed day, I can tell you. Yeah. One's still missing, if you can see it around, you know, give us a yell. Yeah, well, police work isn't all about shooting down helicopters or catching bad guys; it's about community and paperwork. Heaps, heaps of paperwork. Um, Officer Rodge, isn't there something else you have to do? Ah, yes. That's right. I've got some essay awards in here to give out. Oh! (CHUCKLES) The local-hero award goes to Tane TePania for his essay, 'I saved Fonzie the cat from choking on a pine cone.' Tane, where are you? (SIGHS) What a surprise (!) And the award for best scientific essay goes to... (YAWNS) ...Riley Scott for her essay, entitled, 'Aliens exist. They must. They really must.' (GROANS) And finally, best creative essay ` I picked this one myself ` uh, goes to something called Fridge, for their essay, 'Cops are awesome.' Ooh, now it's Fridge's time to shine. (GROANS) Oh. That's strange. I had the certificates here this morning. I can't think what I did. It's all right, Officer Rodge. For these kids, winning is enough. Eh? (SIGHS) (CHORTLES) Oh, wait. Wait. I've got these. Yeah. MAJESTIC MUSIC From now on, you're all members of the junior police cadet club. There you go. Ah! FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC This is, like, real metal. It's not even plastic. Guys, I think they might be real. HUSKILY: Of course they're real. I lost my buddy just three days from retirement. I'm not going out like that. I'm the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time. I'm the loose cannon, the fly in the ointment, the monkey in the wrench. Crime is cheese, and I'm a toasted-sandwich maker. Tane, I think Fridge has been possessed by a ghost again. HUSKILY: It's not a ghost talking, doll-face; it's the badge. HUSKILY: Who are calling doll-face, round-face? Eh? HUSKILY: You're a sweet kid, but it would never work out between us. You live life by the book, and I don't even own a library card. HUSKILY: I may live by the book, but that book's overdue, and I ain't looking to return it. Holy! You guys are acting weird as. Why are you talking about books? HUSKILY: Stick with us, rookie. We'll show you what it's like to be a real cop. Ah, I get it. I'm the dim-witted rookie. It's so awesome! Sort of. So,... what do we do next, bros? I mean, sir. I mean, ma'am. HUSKILY: What do we do next? This shiny piece of metal says we go looking for crime. I don't think there's much crime around here, eh, Fridge. I mean, sir. I mean, sir... (GROANS) HUSKILY: The rookie's got a point. The biggest crime in Ngaro is people ignoring the hosepipe ban. And missing chickens. We're big-time crime fighters in a no-crime town, see. 1 HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRR (GROANS) Look at that miserable little speck in the ocean. HUSKILY: Who would guess that rock is gonna make us millions? Yeah, all for one stupid bird. That's right, my boy. And we're not gonna let anyone get in our way. If they do... ...throat-slice gesture. Yes, throat-slice gesture. Followed by victory laugh noise. Ha,... ha,... ha. Yeah, ha ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, Mum. Yeah! So, Mum, where do we find the bird? HUSKILY: It's in the possession of a local dimwit. Bluey want a cracker? You want a cracker? Come on, ask for the cracker. Does Blue want a cracker? Yum, yum, yum? Hmm? Birdie num nums? (GROANS) It's a budgie, Dennis, not a parrot. It's not gonna talk to you. Oh, be quiet, Mother. Your negative vibes are cramping my style. You're an idiot, Dennis. (SQUAWKS) You're an idiot, Dennis. Oh no! Look what you've done! Idiot, Dennis. Idiot, Dennis. Idiot, Dennis. > I'm really starting to like that bird. (GROANS) THUNDER RUMBLES OMINOUS MUSIC Dad, what are you doing? I can feel it coming, son. I can feel it in my gut. Every hundred years, a storm hits our fair island, the storm of the century, the perfect storm. Our ancestors called it the big... patero. The big patero. Ooh, heavy. And it's coming. (SNIFFS) I can smell it in the air. Stop filling our son's head with that nonsense. You're scaring him. Nah, I'm not scared. I'm never scared. Ooh, look, this is not nonsense. The storm is coming. I better bring in the washing. Ooh, I better tie down the family car! I think the only big patero around here is your dad. (CHUCKLES) THUNDER RUMBLES BOTH: Huh? WHOOPING (GRUNTS) Woo. Hey. I see you there. (CLUCKS) (CLUCKS) < Oi. Come back here, you little dickens. (WHOOPS) (SQUAWKS) (WHOOPS) Ooh. Ooh, that was close. SNEAKY MUSIC BIRDS CHIRP SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC You're an idiot, Dennis. DRAMATIC MUSIC KNOCK AT DOOR (SNORES, GASPS) Hmm? KNOCK AT DOOR (SIGHS) Fridge, what are you doing here? Why aren't you asleep? HUSKILY: Lesson number one, rookie ` crime never sleeps. HUSKILY: So neither do we. Even though I would quite like to. (HUSKILY) But I'm committed to staying in character. But why are you fullas in my wardrobe? We needed your walkie-talkie. HUSKILY: We've been intercepting chitty-chat from Officer Rodge. Apparently, there's been a robbery. Choice! (SIGHS) I just... I don't understand. I mean, why would someone steal my little blue buddy. What sort of a monster would come in here and just rip out my heart and steal, you know, like, a lonely man's only friend? Uh, Dennis, uh, to be honest, I don't actually have a lot of luck finding birds. They haunt me. But don't worry, Dennis ` we'll grab your budgie smugglers. Excuse me? Yep, we'll grab them, and we'll parade them all round town. We'll make an example of them. Well, OK, but don't show everybody. Show some people, but not... you know. Is that what you have to do, is it? Right. I don't think we're on the same page here, Dennis. FALSETTO: Uh-oh. Maybe you should dust for fingerprints or check for nasty blood spatter. Argh! Uh, sorry. He helps me keep on track. I see. FALSETTO: You need to check all the exits. FALSETTO: For example, who's lurking behind this door? Aha! Oh, it's just you lot. What are you kids up to this time? On the trail of something, I suppose? What is it, the Norwegian spiral anomaly? The monkey man of Delhi, is it? Or some sort of alien shape-shifter, no doubt. Is that it there, is it, the lamp? (SCOFFS) I wish it was. Ha! I really wish it was. HUSKILY: Special Officer Fridge at your service. We're the crack team that's going to procure these petty parrot-pinching perps. Well, actually, he's a budgie. Uh, and... Hang on. What's going on here? Is this child an officer of the law? HUSKILY: Do you have a photograph of the bird, Mr Mayor? Actually, that's a pretty good idea. Do you have a picture of the bird? Uh, yes. Right here. (GASPS) Mm-hm. So, is this child in charge of the investigation now? Uh, to be perfectly honest, um, when I gave these kids their badges, I failed to realise they're actually real, uh, police badges. I may have broken numerous laws. Best we don't make a fuss. They are real? Primo! And technically, Officer Fridge here outranks me now. Which is a bit embarrassing. HUSKILY: Ha! Rank is just a state of mind. Oh, OK, young man. I think you should hand that badge over right now. HUSKILY: So, you wanna take my badge, do ya, Mayor? Because I'm a loose cannon? Because I'm a squeaky wheel that's stepped over the line one too many times? Well, listen, buddy boy, you can't take my badge; I am the badge. Hey. Hey, pal! FALSETTO: You kiddies should just run along now. Yes. The pig has a point. Off you trot. Oh, and that was actually, uh, a pig pun. You'd like that, Officer Bacon. FALSETTO: Oh. (GIGGLES) No, not really. 1 You fullas think we might need some backup on this one? HUSKILY: 'Ha! Backup's for babies. And I haven't been a baby since I was a baby. 'And this baby ain't no baby any more.' Uh, just wait up! Don't walk so fast! THUNDER RUMBLES I'm pretty sure I've seen that bird before. It's very rare. The blue-beaked ballyhoo budgie. Someone has offered a $5 million reward for it. Holy! 5 million bucks! HUSKILY: That's a lot of grain. Somebody wants that bird, wants it bad enough to steal it, but who? SOUTHERN ACCENT: I might have the answer. SOUTHERN ACCENT: This is my alien early warning system. Whoa! I know. It's so cool, right? You built this? Wow. I'm impressed. The only impressive thing I ever built was an octuple-decker ham-and-mayo sandwich. That's eight layers, folks. That is cool as! Has it picked up any aliens yet? (SIGHS) No, just some seagulls, an actual weather balloon and this. Oh, a helicopter! SOUTHERN ACCENT: It arrived tonight. I didn't think anything of it, but now I think it might be... HUSKILY: ...Santa Claus. Where did it land? SOUTHERN ACCENT: Oh, you're gonna love this. THUNDER RUMBLES It's a warehouse that's abandoned. SOUTHERN ACCENT: An abandoned warehouse. HUSKILY: You're both right. This looks like a job for a tough-talking, go-it-alone maverick. And his trusty sidekicks. Maybe we should let Officer Rodge know about this. HUSKILY: Officer Rodge? He's more interested in water conservation. Wow, that wind is getting pretty intense. (GASPS) It's the big patero. THUNDER RUMBLES CAR SQUEAKS DRAMATIC MUSIC THUNDER RUMBLES Can't fly in this weather ` it would tear the chopper apart, Mum. HUSKILY: Ah, very well. We'll fly first thing in the morning. Don't wanna spend another minute longer than we have to on this pathetic island. SNEAKY MUSIC (SQUAWKS) You're an idiot, Dennis. BOTH GASP (GROWLS) BOTH SHRIEK Hmm. HUSKILY: 'Well, well, well. What do we have here? Is this is... Oh, oh, it's a little gang, isn't it? Let me guess ` you're the feisty girlie who holds her own against these boys. And you, you're the chubby comic sidekick, aren't you, fatty? It's mainly due to a dairy intolerance. It's mostly bloating. Shut it! Oh, no, my mum don't like to be interrupted. Ow, my face! Don't interrupt me. So that must make you the fearless leader. I'm just a rookie who's having a bad first day, Miss. (GASPS) Oh, a rookie. Right, right. OK. Well, rookie, you're in big trouble, because our gang has just one rule. No witnesses. HUSKILY: No witnesses. So that means we're gonna have to get rid of you. Oh dear. How must it feel, knowing that you've led your friends to their certain death? We're not scared of you, Miss. We're the Barefoot Bandits. HUSKILY: Ha,... ha,... ha. Yeah, ha ha! Ha, ha, ha, ha, Mum! Oh, you hear that? Yeah, the Barefoot Bandits. How very adorable! Lock them in the basement, and we'll dispose of them in the morning. HUSKILY: Tomorrow they go swimming with the sharks. ALL: Argh! THUD! THUD! ALL WHIMPER I guess we should have called Officer Rodge after all. Now we can't! Maybe we still can. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) What? Why did you do that? Now we're gonna drown! No, we're not. Oh, blinky light. Ooh, uh, that's a lot of water usage for an abandoned warehouse. FALSETTO: Ooh, maybe they've got a spa. Not on my watch. WIND WHISTLES KNOCK AT DOOR Who's that? Come in! Kick it! FALSETTO: Everybody freeze! Argh! It's a pig! And a cop! (GROWLS) Stop him, Warwick! I'll get him, Mum. (GROWLS, GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GROWLS) Hmm. (GRUNTS) (GASPS) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ALL GASP, PANT Here comes Rodge. FALSETTO: Ha ha! Did somebody order extra bacon? Officer Rodge, look out! Oh, you're a stubborn brute, aren't you? Kick! FALSETTO: D'oh! I got ya, mate. Fridgey's got ya. Yo, dingus. Yeah, you! I've got your stupid hat! Right. (GROWLS) (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) Now, I hope you kids can see the dangers of leaving a water source unattended. I saved him. Oh, you beauty. (IMITATES A GUN COCKING) Sorry, kids. That's my cue. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRR Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a heli to cop-ta. BOTH: Huh? (CHUCKLES) Ooh, action leap! And... bam! Hey, we should have called him first. He's good. ACTION MUSIC I had to leave Warwick behind. I've got the bird. I'll meet you at` Ha! Sorry to cut you off. Argh! ACTION MUSIC BOOM! What was that? What's that noise? (GASPS) Get your hands off me. I've got your filthy budgie smugglers right here, Dennis. Excuse me? Oh. OK. Well... (GASPS, LAUGHS) Bluey! (SQUAWKS) You're an idiot, Dennis. For bravery and outstanding service to the community, the Ngaro Police Department, aka me, would like to award the Barefoot Bandits with this special certificate. Holy! I had to handwrite it myself. The inkjet printer's on the fritz. I think it's possessed or something. (CHUCKLES) HUSKILY: 'I don't need a certificate to tell me I'm great. But it helps.' Mum's gonna be super-impressed. Seriously, do we have to do this on school time? Am I the only one who's sick of this lot hogging all the attention? What sort of cop accidentally gives kids police badges? And I am pretty sure it's a school requirement that we wear shoes in class. Well, you're a bit of a troublemaker, aren't ya? Nothing a night in the cell won't fix. What? Shh. Sebastian, quiet. It'll be fine. Come on, son. You'll get to meet lots of nice people. Miss Stevenson, do something! HUSKILY: Now, that's what I call justice. Class dismissed. Captions by Faith Hamblyn. www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.