My name is Jayne Crothall, and my whole world changed forever on the 6th of February 1997, when Luke Sibley, my boarder killed my precious 3-year-old daughter and tried to kill me. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021 I saw Luke standing there with a hammer in his hand. And then this warm sensation. When I looked down, I was bleeding. That's when I felt the pain and realised he'd hit me in the head with a hammer. I was born on the 9th of October 1970. We had a great childhood. You know, my best memories are playing outside with my sisters just all day long, from sunrise to sunset, making up games, little stories. We had a trampoline and a swimming pool, and we had our own hut. Dad ` he was a great dad, and he still is. He used to do those aeroplanes, where he'd grab your hand and spin you around like an aeroplane and that sort of thing. He mowed the lawns every Saturday morning, and he always did a racetrack. And then we would have, like, three-legged races and egg-and-spoon races around the racetrack before he mowed the rest of the lawns. I couldn't sleep until Mum had tucked me in, when I was little. And I'd just wait and wait and wait sometimes. And she always used to stroke my forehead. And, yeah, I just absolutely loved that. And even now, if I'm not well or something like that, and Mum's around, she'll stroke my forehead. We had the Good Girl Gang. And all the neighbourhood girls would come over, and we would solve mysteries. We would go around to the local school. And we walked past the dental nurse's clinic, and it appeared that the curtain moved them when we passed. So of course, that was very, very suspicious. I think it was just an open window, at the end of the day. (CHUCKLES) - We just sorta did what we want, roamed the streets, biked around the neighbourhood, came back for food, and came back by dark time and... just a lot of freedom. - Yeah, so, apparently Dad just threw me in the water when I was a young child and I automatically started doing doggy paddle. Not long after I first started, I entered in the Canterbury champs and got a silver medal in the 100m butterfly. I went to the New Zealand junior age groups. And... much to my shock, really, more than anybody, I got two gold medals. I loved school. I was into debating I always came second in the speech competition every single year, except in the seventh form I finally won. Yeah. I had a couple of boyfriends in high school. Two weeks was a long-term relationship back then. But nothing really serious. When I was 21, I was the president of a netball club, and we used to be sponsored by the Lancaster Hotel. And I met a guy down there and had a brief relationship with him. And... not long after we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. My sister had had a baby, and I just absolutely adored him. So when I found out I was pregnant and I was gonna get one of those, I was really excited ` yeah, really happy. It was four weeks before the baby was due, and my waters broke, and she was born at 8.30 the next morning. - It was quite a full room. - It was the first time I'd been present in a birth, so that was really, really exciting. And I ended up down the end to see all the action, so I saw Brittany being born. I think there was an instant bond, being there in those first moments. Yeah. That was really special. - I just remember thinking, 'Wow, I'm so clever.' She was the most beautiful, beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. I just noticed absolutely everything that went on, even if she hiccupped. (CHUCKLES) And I kept a diary back in those days, and all through it, it's got how much I love here and all that sort of thing. READS: October the 12th 1993. My pride and joy slept for almost six hours last night. I almost cried. I hope this is going to be permanent. - She was so cute, playful, cheeky, adventurous, always wanting to give things a go. Yeah. Yeah, always wanting to try things, wanting to have fun. She was fun. She was happy. She was bright. She was bubbly. - For Brittany's 1st birthday, Karen made a scrapbook. And it was full of Brittany's first year of life. And it became really, really special, because it was like her bedtime book for months. - We used to love going shopping, when she was about 3. And we'd just go into town and hang out, and I'd always buying her new clothes or something, and, yeah, spoil her. (CHUCKLES) - We had lots of little things that we used to do. We would be walking down the street, and we had to cross a road. I would pick her up and sing, # Cuddle across the road. Cuddle across the road. # Me and my Brittany cuddle across the road. # I think because I loved her so much, when I used to put her to bed, I can remember thinking, 'Whatever happens, right here, right now, here I am with my beautiful little girl.' And I really, really loved those moments, just being present in the moment with her. OK. Goodnight. My friend had a boarder, and he was the son of her friend. But her daughter wanted to move back home. So, I was a single mum, and having a boarder would be a little bit of extra income for me. And I had a spare room, and he seemed like quite a nice boy. He was only 17 at the time. Um, so... that's how I came to meet Luke. He was quite shy. He would speak when he came into the lounge. But apart from that, he just stayed in his room. A friend who lived across the road invited me over for a coffee. So I just said to Luke, um,... 'Brittany's asleep. Is it all right if I pop down to see Heather?' And he said yeah. And it was the first and only time that I had left her alone with him. Woke up the next morning and Brittany jumped into bed with me. And she said, 'Mummy, Luke's got a diddle.' And I said, 'What?' And, oh, my heart just sank, and... I just felt so... panicked. What the hell has happened? Luke got up. I said,... 'Um, Brittany's telling me that she saw your diddle.' And he said, 'Yeah, I was, you know, and she walked in.' I said, 'Well, did you stop when she came in?' And he said, 'Yeah!' And so I just left it at that. Obviously Brittany was there, and I didn't want to have a fight with him or anything like that. Just waited for him to go to his course and asked Brittany a little bit more. And it became quite clear to me that he had been masturbating and got her to touch it. And so, yeah, I just... freaked out. I just didn't want him there any more. So we packed up all of his stuff. And I couldn't get a message to him. Didn't have cell phones back in those days. So I taped a note to the door. I couldn't sleep, you know, and just keep checking to see if the note was there. I just felt scared. I was actually really worried that he would come back and be angry and smash up the new stereo that I had just bought. But never in my wildest dreams did I think that he would do what he actually did. - Genesis is bringing School-gen out of the classroom and into the home. We're inspiring the next generation of Kiwi innovators * Brittany jumped into bed with me, and she said,.... 'Mummy, Luke's got a diddle.' And it became quite clear to me that he had been masturbating and got her to touch it. So we packed up all of his stuff. And I went to sleep. The next thing I knew, I saw Luke standing there in my bedroom with a hammer in his hand. And then this warm sensation. And I looked down. I was bleeding. And that's when I felt the pain, felt my head, and realised he'd hit me in the head with a hammer. I said, 'What are you doing?' His face was really, really pale, and he looked down. He said, 'I don't know.' I said to him, 'Well, give me the hammer.' He went to pass it to me. But... got this look in his eye, and just raised it up and smashed me over the head... and kept hammering away at me. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Several times, I thought, 'I'm gonna die here. I am going to die.' And I thought, 'Well, the only way that I'm gonna survive this is if I fight.' So I did. - I woke to a scream. - (SCREAMING) - What's that? That's not right. - Then another scream. - SCREAMING: Help! - So I went to Jayne's front door. And I could see this woman being hit. Hey! (SIGHS) So I tried to kick the door in. - Jayne was able to break free and get the door open. I just grabbed her and said, 'We've got to get the... out of here. - I remember saying to him, 'It's my boarder, it's my boarder,' so that when the police arrived, they knew who was. I yelled at Steve, 'Get my baby. Get my baby. Go and get my baby.' - (BREATHES DEEPLY) I thought she was asleep. So... I went to pick her up, and sort of... threw the blankets off and scooped. (SIGHS) Yeah, well, she definitely wasn't asleep. - And then I went back to walk to the ambulance, but the ambulance driver was running into my house. And I thought, 'I'm here. What are they doing?' 'Shit, has he come back and has he hurt Steve?' And then they were running back and forth, and I said, 'What's happening? Is Brittany all right?' And they weren't saying anything. I said, 'Is Brittany all right? Is Brittany all right? 'Can you just tell me if she's alive?' And that lady said, 'Yeah. Yeah, at the moment, she is.' - I could hear noises outside. And I didn't know whether... it was some` you know, that the guy was coming back. And... so I'm cradling the phone, trying to do CPR, and... I do remember starting to go, 'This... is not gonna take me from behind.' But it was the police. - I just didn't know what the hell was going on, and I just wanted to get into the house, and they wouldn't let me. They just held me back. And I knew it was serious. (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) - It's like you're split in two. One part of you is being very logical. (SIGHS) And another part's... (SIGHS) screaming your head off. (SIREN WAILS) - I don't really remember much about the trip up to the hospital, because I was just lying there. I keep saying, 'Please, God, let Brittany be alive. Please, God. 'Please, God, let Brittany be alive.' Over and over and over again. And that's all I did. (MOURNFUL MUSIC) They wheeled me into a curtained-off area. And... eventually I looked up, and my mum and dad were standing in the doorway. And I realised that Mum was crying, and... Dad just looked at me and said,... 'She didn't make it.' - It's just so hard to describe. I guess she was... (SIGHS) she was just lost, I think, just in so much shock. You know, I just remember being thankful that Jayne was still alive. - After I gave my statement, they said that I could go down and see Brittany. And... the sound in that room was... (SIGHS) something I'll never forget, because when everybody saw her, they just started crying. Everyone was howling, really. I just hugged her and kissed her and kissed her and told her I loved her. (SOBBING) Just told her how much I loved her so much. - It was really nice to be able to see her one last time, but it was also so hard, because it wasn't her. It wasn't the vibrant young girl that we knew. So I found it really hard seeing her like that, just lying still, and knowing that she wouldn't play again. (MOURNFUL MUSIC CONTINUES) - The day before the funeral, I was discharged from hospital, and we went down to the funeral home to say goodbye to Brittany. She had her favourite red dress on, and... and her hair looked gorgeous. And she held a little teddy bear in her hands. Nobody should be sitting around... looking at a beautiful, beautiful little girl. You shouldn't be sitting there in front of a coffin... (SNIFFLES) with a dead child... in front of you. But it was the last time we were all together. (SNIFFLES) And it was sort of decided that everyone else would leave the room. So I just sat there one last time with her, alone. I kissed her lips. And I told her not to be scared. I put the lid on the coffin. And then I screwed it down. (SIGHS) And that was the last time I saw her. (SNIFFLES) - Step up. - Step sideways ` - that little step before the big one... - ...into that new office,... - ...new career,... - ...new mindset,... - ...because you can do it. - Tautoko. - So make tracks. * In 1997, my boarder, Luke, killed my 3-year-old daughter and then tried to murder me with a hammer. He made a few court appearances. I was even too scared to go in the room. I didn't wanna see him. And then we were there one day, and he was going to plead guilty. So I went in, And he was just standing there, really, with his head down. He was a funny colour ` a sort of a grey colour. And when the judge asked him if he wished to enter a plea, he said,... 'Um, guilty.' - I just remember being so angry,... um... and just wanting to hurt him. I think back now, how we all managed to be quite restrained. Yeah, it was a difficult thing to do. - He was sentenced to life imprisonment with no eligibility for parole for 13 years. 13 years, at the time, just seemed like a lifetime away. - Jayne had, yeah, a big breakdown. She stayed with Mum and Dad for quite some time. She was just, yeah, a mess. I mean, her whole life had just been ripped from her. She never went back to the house again. And she just was so... sick and depressed and... Yeah, I was very worried for her, that we would lose her as well. - I would take a sleeping pill and sleep during the day. Then I'd wake up for a little while, have another sleeping pill, go back to bed, and carried on like that for a couple of months. I started having panic attacks, being anxious, just wanting to be in bed all day and hide under the covers and... didn't cope very well at all. - On the one-year anniversary, um, Jayne and I decided to go to Nelson for the weekend, to get away, but she didn't... she didn't cope. We had to leave. She was really panicky about everything. She was almost delusional in some of the things she was saying, that weren't... weren't quite real. From there, she deteriorated even more mentally. She got really unwell. - I just thought my life was just gonna be panic, anxiety, depression. At one point, I didn't think I was ever gonna stop crying. I just honestly didn't know what to do with myself. And my doctor sent me to see a psychologist, and he recommended that I spend a wee bit of time in hospital. (OMINOUS MUSIC) When I first arrived at Sunnyside Hospital, I was quite scared. I imagined being with a whole lot of people that wanted to kill themselves. But I didn't have to worry about anything in the outside world. I was able to... start eating again, because I had lost an enormous amount of weight. I was in Sunnyside Hospital for three months. And I ended up going flatting with a couple of the people that I had met in there. And it was around the time that I meet the man that I would marry. Pretty quickly, really, I... I wanted to have another baby. And... And after trying for about three or four months, I got pregnant. SINGSONG: And I was gonna become a mum again. On the 31st of May 1999, I had my beautiful baby boy. Bradley was five weeks early. And we had a bit of trouble getting his body temperature above 35 degrees, so he spent a little bit of time in an incubator. When we came home from the hospital, the midwife came around and said that he was very jaundiced, and he needed to go back up to the hospital. A few weeks after that, he picked up the bronchiolitis virus and he became really sick. They gave him oxygen. And I just stood there and cried, because I started to think, 'God, all I have to do is keep a child alive, and I can't even do that.' And so... You know, I realised that it was just a virus, but I was terrified that I was gonna lose him. I was diagnosed at that time with post-natal depression, which was exacerbated by post-traumatic stress disorder. So again, I spent three months in hospital. - That was a really hard time too ` again, really worried about Jayne and how she'd do out of it, and just really wanting her to be OK, so she could be a parent. Um, yeah, and thinking how unfair it is that... (SIGHS) such a joyous occasion, you know, would be clouded by that fear of something happening to your baby. - I started to develop some really bad habits. I stopped sleeping in the same bed as my husband. I'd take the door handles off so that nobody could break in. I'd pile things up behind the door, had nightmares and flashbacks again, and worried about Bradley's health. So I went to the doctor, and she advised that I get some counselling. So I called ACC, and I was turned down, because ACC said that my mental injury was a result of my daughter being murdered, and not the physical attack on me. So, really, what I did, while I was fighting ACC for two years, is behaviours just became ingrained in me. I... I was piling things up behind the door. I was checking the locks 10 times a night. I wasn't sleeping properly. But it just became a part of my life. We went to a hearing where there was an independent assessor. And after a few days, she actually saw in my favour, and I won. So after two years, finally, I was allowed to get some counselling. Then when Brad rate was about 2�, I fell pregnant again. I can remember when Liam was born, I said to everybody, 'I can't take my eyes off my baby.' I just knew that I was going to be at risk of having post-natal depression, and I did. I actually counted down the hours, days, minutes, seconds, and was present in the moment when Brad turned exactly the same age as Brittany was when she died. I felt so sad, because this is a time that you should be enjoying having lovely, beautiful, gorgeous little children that I adored with all my heart, and I should be enjoying it and loving them and just getting on with my life. I couldn't stop myself from panicking and worrying and... just thinking that they were gonna die. My mum and I were out one day, and she pulled a brown envelope out of her handbag. And lo and behold, it was a letter from the parole board saying that Luke Sibley was eligible for parole and would be seen by the parole board in February 2010. I was shocked and really, really panicked, because I thought, 'How...? Where the heck have those 13 years gone?' It just seemed like yesterday that he was put away. How could they even think about letting him out now? - It became a reality from that point that he could and will get out one day. Yeah. And for Jayne, that was the biggest thing was living every day thinking that he was going to come and get her. - Mum and I decided that we would go and speak to the parole board. I contacted Garth McVicar from the Sensible Sentencing Trust. He put me in touch with Leigh Woodman, and was really surprised to learn that her daughter had also been murdered, and in fact, exactly one week after Brittany. And he had already come up ` that offender had already come up for parole. So she had already been through it. And I felt an instant connection with her, and... just hadn't even met anybody that had been through what I had been through. - It's hell on wheels, really, going into those parole hearings. It's hard. It's really hard. You're talking about the person that killed her daughter and nearly killed her. And the only reason he didn't was because Steve came running in to save her. So, yeah, very stressing. Very brave. Very courageous. - We went up and we spoke to the parole board, and just cried the whole time. It was really traumatising sitting there and... actually begging with them not to let the person out that had killed my daughter. I had bought myself a new top to wear to the parole hearing. It was a green top. And when we got back to the hotel, I took it off and I looked at it and I thought, 'Oh, I'm gonna remember that top as the top that I wore to the parole board,' and I just threw it in the rubbish. I knew that I would never be able to wear it again. To be honest, it kind of made me realise how much I had pushed things down, but they were still there. I needed to deal with everything. I needed to face everything, to be able to... lead a normal life. I wasn't really that happy in my marriage in the final few years. And there were some terrible problems. But eventually, I got the strength, in that same year, to end the marriage. So, about a year or so after my marriage ended, I made contact with Steve, and we had a lot to talk about. We had a lot in common. We... had a special bond. And from there, a relationship eventually grew. - I don't think we've ever been disconnected, since that day. Even though we hadn't been in touch with each other, still,... there was still something there. - So, for the second parole hearing in 2011, it was to be in Christchurch, but we had the earthquake. And so that didn't take place. And they weren't going to let Luke Sibley out that year. But when I received the parole board decision, it minimised the sexual side of the offending, and I didn't think that was right. - I suggested maybe getting in touch with the police ` was there anything they had in their notes or reports or anything like that that needed to be brought up before the board that, hey, there's more to this than just the murder ` you know, there's the reasons behind the murder. And Jayne was fortunate that one of the detectives still had his original notes, where it did mention of his attraction to... young girls, so we were able to bring that up with the board. - That aspect was really important to me, because I thought that he needed treatment for child sex offending. I knew that one day he would be released from prison. And I knew that I wanted to do everything that I could to prevent him hurting anybody ever again. * When my son Bradley was 12, I decided he was old enough to learn the circumstances of his sister's death. He was really, really, really upset, and he cried a lot. - Leading up to the anniversary of what happened, or Brittany's birthday, she'd get quite low ` quite down in mood. I do remember doorknobs being pulled off of doors and things like that. I always felt that was a bit weird. But now it makes sense, you know. - I would have liked to have a little sister, yeah. Yeah, well, Mum always goes on about how smart she was, and playful, and stuff like that. Um, I just wouldn't know, because it's a missed opportunity ` I never got the chance to meet her, so, yeah. - All right, Mum? - Yeah, good as gold. (POIGNANT MUSIC) Garth McVicar contacted me and invited me to a victims' conference. It was amazing to walk in and be with all those people that had all been through the same as me, and the fact that Leigh was supporting victims of violent crime, having been through so much herself, and I saw and knew and felt what a big impact that had had on me. I decided, 'Man, I want to be Leigh.' It's really important for people to give. And if you can't give money, then you can give your time, you can give your energy, you can give your experience. - Jayne's extremely good at what she does, and she's determined, she's tenacious, she doesn't take no for an answer just because someone tells her no. If she believes in it strongly, she will keep pushing. She'll go to whoever is necessary. She doesn't give up. - Yeah, I've still got my own stuff going on. And... in 2015, at the parole hearing, it looked like they were going to release him. I really panicked, because... I still felt frightened. I still felt scared of him. I still had this thing in my head that he was gonna come and get me ` you know, he had unfinished business. And I thought, the only way I'm going to know if he's going to come and get me is to ask him. So I thought, I'm gonna have to meet with him. - To do that restorative justice meeting, I have the greatest, greatest respect for Jayne doing that. Jayne was facing the man that killed her daughter, and she was going to go in and face him and look him in the eye. - I couldn't believe that I was doing it, to be honest, because, like, this guy had murdered my daughter. He had tried to kill me. And that was my last memory of him. I was like, 'Oh, what are you doing, Jayne?' He came in with two psychologists and a prison guard. He looked really, really nervous. He looked terrified. - It's actually quite frightening. You're talking about being in there with a murderer. It's not a minor thing. And... But, actually, he was fidgeting. He couldn't look at Jayne. And it did shift the power. - I had brought with me some questions for him. And I guess the most important one for me was whether he intended to come and hurt me. He said no. And he said that he had sat there for the last 18 years wondering whether myself or my family would come and get him. It was really, really important for me to tell him how unfair it was, how she never got to go to school, she never got married, she didn't have a life. And no parent should ever have to bury their child. We had expected this staunch, tough child-killing monster to be sitting there in front of us, but what we saw was an incredibly remorseful, sad man... that... had basically ruined his life. When, again, it looked like they were going to release him, I wanted to see for myself whether he was ready or not. He told me that meeting with him the first time was better than any rehabilitation or anything that he had ever done. And it gave him a bit of hope. It was almost like I was giving him permission to go out there and... and lead a normal life. So when we went to the parole hearing in 2020, I... told them that I really appreciated meeting with them each year and that I completely... I don't know why I feel sad about it. (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) I was really touched by the words of the parole chairman. He really appreciated the input that I had had over the years. He was really grateful. Um... (POIGNANT PIANO MUSIC) And my sister said that she was really proud of me ` she'd never been prouder of anybody in her life. And I guess it was kind of a relief for me, that... all those years of parole meetings were... were finished. And so they did make the decision to release him ` April 2020. I felt a bit sad, you know, because... um... you know, he had still killed my daughter. But I really think that, um,... I really think that that's what Brittany would have wanted. Life's pretty good now. I'm working part-time. I have got two gorgeous... grown-up young men ` my sons. And Steve and I are now living together. And I'm making my own jewellery. I'm registered as a sole trader, and my name is Gratitude Jewellery NZ. With everything that I've been through, the gratitude and the positives of my life far outweigh the negative. I've started swimming again. And, yeah, I'm really enjoying that. When something tragic happens to you, you find yourself cut off from everything. It's almost as if you don't want to reward yourself. And for me, swimming is really rewarding. And I'm moving my body and feeling alive again. I feel it's a massive step towards healing and getting well and living life to the full. I look back on everything that's happened to me, and I realise that I've been through hell and back. I really have. I've suffered. I've really suffered. But I've come out the other side. One of my favourite sayings is, 'Why did the man hit his head against the wall? 'Because it felt good when he stopped.' And I've stopped. READS: I love Brittany. I love Brittany. I love Brittany. I love Brittany. Brittany, if you're reading this in years to come, I want you to know that I love you more than life itself ` so much that it hurts. Goodnight, my beautiful, sweet angel princes. Mummy. Kiss, kiss, kiss. My name is Jayne Crothall, and I am grateful. Captions by James Brown. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021