OMINOUS THEME MUSIC Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2022 BIRDS SING We haven't got any more room. I've got to get one more thing. Rob, he doesn't need that. Hey, at least you're in halls. No damp patches, mice in the toaster, landlord with a baseball bat. Until next term! Ignore him. He never even went to university. Hey, I've had Mancunian squalor, just without the sense of entitlement. Bye, Mum. I love you. I love you, too. Hey, hey, hey, hey. We're living the dream. Footloose and child-free. Ready to rock and roll? ENGINE TURNS OVER I love you. I miss you already. Freedom! Love. Jo. Jo. You can't just keep... You were the one who wanted him to go to uni. I've got a viewing. I'll call you later, OK? He's not died. He'll be home at Christmas. It might not float your super yacht from the outside, Jack, but I think once you see the inside... I love the house, Rob. Really? Great. I had a feeling that this might just be the one. Mate. There's a school just down the road. Oh, right. Is that going to be a problem? I'm on the Sex Offenders Register. I'm kidding. I just fucking hate kids. We all fucking hate kids. Back to the drawing board. You're all right, Rob. I don't mind a bit of porn at lunchtime. I'm actually pretty busy, so, erm... Why don't you ask your finance director how busy you are? What are you eating? Pasty. I like to live on the edge. Of what? Diabetes? Did you take Jack Watson to view another property? He's got �3 million in his back pocket. He's Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Where do you think he got that �3 million? I don't think you should touch his money. No, I dipped it in Dettol. I'm being serious. You look a bit fucked, Rob. I don't mean good fucked. Now, you did hire me, so that suggests you do want to save your business. I'm actually pretty busy. OK. All right. Just make sure you look at those quarterly projections I sent you. Mm-hm. OK. Or I will have your bollocks for earrings. Wow, Jo, you're burning up. I'm hot and I'm itchy. I can scratch your itch. How about you go feed the dog? Is that a euphemism? No. Yes, we can fit you in... Beth, my office, now. Actually, it doesn't matter. Actually, you call a vendor a muppet in front of a client again and I'll turn you into one. Hello, Fred. You all right? Rob! No, I can't get into my car. You sold your car about three months ago. Right... Yes. Yes, I did. Stupid me. I tell you what, I was going to head home about now. Let me drive you. OK. OK? Go this way, yeah This way. Have some tea. Oh, thanks. I don't know where my head is today. Have you been forgetting other things? Well... Not that I remember. Excuse me. Oh, fuck! Are you OK? All these damn doors, they look the same. FRED WEEPS It's OK, pal. It's all right. No, it's not. I can't... Whoa, whoa, whoa. It doesn't matter, does it? FRED SOBS Fred, come on. It's OK. SOBBING CONTINUES Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's only going to get worse, you know? He's going to become a danger to himself. I know. All right? I know. You know, he could just move in with us. I didn't say that, did I? It wouldn't be like when my mum was dying. It wouldn't be as hard. I don't want that. Why not? I just don't. For God's sake, can't we just be here on our own and be happy? You don't know what it's like. I can't focus on my work, I miss the kids, and... ..I'm just rattling around this house all day by myself. You don't have the monopoly on loneliness, all right? JO LAUGHS Who's Gloria and why did you steal her cup? It's my coffee shop name. I always wanted to be called Gloria when I was a kid, so... Do you want to hear this from me or Gloria? Has Gloria got a massive crush on me? Yeah. She thinks you're a good frontman. Not such a good businessman. I always hated Gloria. Why have you got four branches, Rob? We're going to have to close two and streamline the other two, OK? You're going to have to get your head 'round it. And have you thought of a new investor? I'm considering my options. Well, we can either call in the receivers or... ..you can ask your wife for the money. Give us time to restructure. How do you know about her money? Everybody knows about your wife's money. Just ask her. Swallow your pride, kid. ROB SIGHS Hi! Hi. Hiya. Thomas, this is my parents, Jo and Rob. Pleased to meet you. That is a lovely dress you're almost wearing. Roll your tongue in. Erm, Dad. Hi. Robert. No glasses? Contacts? Oh, cool. So, walk this way. Whoa. Did Santa relocate? So, how did you two meet? I was going through a bit of a dark period. Black dog pissing against my leg. And I ended up talking more to Sash than my girlfriend at the time and here we all are. That's all we need sometimes, isn't it? Just a really good listener. Yes. So, it must be antisocial hours, bar work. I live in the flat upstairs so I trip out of bed most mornings and into work still doing my flies up. LAUGHTER It is a beautiful home you have here. Thank you. We have so much these days it's almost immoral, isn't it? Have you heard from baby bro, Mum? No. I was hoping he'd text, but... Maybe he's enjoying his space. ROB LAUGHS I hear you've been going through a bit of a dark period of your own recently, Jo. Yeah. Something like that. Why don't you volunteer at that refugee centre, Mum? Maybe you could use your languages... Mm. Mum speaks, like, 20 of them? Five. None of them perfect. Wow. All I can say is, "You're standing on my penis. "Yes, it is longer than average", in Portuguese. JO LAUGHS Ta. You all right with the food? I'm fine. Oh, well, you know, I mean, she only spent all afternoon in the kitchen preparing it. It's just, erm, I had a really bad experience with an aubergine once. But I had some therapy for it back in the day and I learned that we can change our beliefs about anything. Even aubergine. Bravo. Thank very much. Are you for real? Excuse me. Rob. He's flirting with you. THOMAS LAUGHS Dear Lord, Jo. JO GIGGLES Yeah, welcome to my neuroses. Sorry about Rob. It's probably just the wine talking, right? Mm, no. It's good wine. THEY GIGGLE What have we got here? I wonder what it says about you, this draw. It says I love order. Or you really hate... ..disorder. What are you doing? No, stop! THOMAS LAUGHS No, he's definitely not flirting with her. Oh, fuck off. You could do so much better. Right, OK, we're leaving. We've clearly outstayed our welcome. What?! No, Sash... No, Dad is being a fucking arsehole. Come on. Well, it was a lovely meal, Jo. Hopefully see you soon. Happy hour, five till seven. Come, be happy for two hours. Cheers, Rob. Lovely to meet you both! Rob. Rob! Oh, God. Sash! Guys, don't leave. Please. Just, please... Come back here. I had a great time. I'm so sorry. It was a complete disaster. He's just freaking out. DOOR CLOSES I'm not keen on this place either. No problem. We can keep looking. And the other thing? Listen, Rob... ..I'm not going to invest in someone who can't sell me a fucking house. ROB SOBS No, no, no, seriously. A 75-year-old women only commune. And... And the only rule is, you can do whatever the fuck you like whenever the fuck you want. LAUGHTER THEY SING: # The cutest boys The cutest boys... # SINGING TAILS OFF Come on, Bobbin. Come on, you lazy... Bobbin? Sorry. JO SOBS Jo. Jo! This is all very mysterious. Yeah, I thought if you could see what was on our books, or stock, I thought it might be useful. Did you? Either I'm about to get fired... ..or fucked. Come on, tiger. Even me out. I don't smoke. You do. Mm. Hello, mate. How are you feeling? OK. It's just a long time since I did that with anybody else. I'm sorry if it was a bit quick. Mm. ANNA LAUGHS Don't worry about it. Just a bit of fun. Won't happen again, boss. ROB CHUCKLES Good? Mm. Mm! Is it OK? You sure? My steak's a wee bit chewy. How's yours, Rob? It's fine. You know her? Yeah. It's Anna, our newish finance director. Oh. Hello. Fancy seeing you here. Hey. This is my wife, Jo. Hi. This is Anna. This is Cathy and this is Jim. Hi. So, how's finance? Finance is great, thank you very much. Erm, what are you up to? A date. Oh. Yeah. Probably be a disaster. They never look like they do in the pictures, do they? Well, what do they say? You have to play the odds to find Mr Right, am I right? We're celebrating their anniversary. Oh, lovely. How many years? Oh, together forever. 15 since we tied the noose. Oh, erm, date's here. Oh, you did well. You did really well. He's fit. Yeah. I think I did very well. Well, congratulations. Jo, lovely to meet you. Bye, Rob. Cheers. Anyway, the husband who was having the party announced, "Sometimes we get asked how we've stayed together "for such a long time", right. Then he said something I'll never forget. Go on, Jim. We're all ears. He said, "The secret is never fall out of love at the same time." Very good. Excuse me. What? It's true. You don't get it? No. It makes sense. One of you has always got to be in love. Isn't that kind of fucking depressing, Jim? Are you going to sleep with him? She's stunning, your wife. I don't want you to. I don't want you to sleep with him. 20 minutes late or something, they went, "No, no, no, we can't serve you." I mean, the whole thing was absolutely... JIM LAUGHS It was ridiculous JO LAUGHS "They are my... "They are my trophies." I think we're going to need the old... No, no, we'll be good. OK. We are going to need it. Do you want me to do it? No, not really. Let me try. Can you just... ..back off one fucking second? I'll do it. Don't look at me. What's she like? Jo. You don't want to know about that. I do. Well, you met her. She's funny, beautiful, smart. Yeah, you're definitely punching above your weight there. ROB CHUCKLES And? And nothing. I don't know. Maybe it's her age. We lost a child. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. That was about 15 years ago. He was... ..dead before he came out. I don't know. I just resent... ..being made to feel in the way. Like, you know, my feelings don't count. I know it was devastating for her back then, but I lost a son, too. I felt it, too. Give us a hug. - (CHUCKLES) Got you. - Oi, what should we...? (BOTH SPEAK INDISTINCTLY, VEHICLES ZOOM) - Oi, Clipboard. - Hullo. - What are you doing? - LOUDLY: Reviewin' the speed limit. (VEHICLE ZOOMS) - The what? (VEHICLES ZOOM) - Speed limit. - Why? - It's just too fast... (TRUCK RUMBLES LOUDLY) ...for roads like this one. You know, stuff's changed ` new schools, new builds, people movin' in. We're lookin' at the speed limits to make sure they're right for the roads to keep us all... (SIREN WAILS) ...safe. - Did you like that? - Eh?! - Wait. - Wha...? - So are you changing all the speed limits? - Yes. No, just the... (TRUCKS RUMBLE LOUDLY) rubbish ones. Just the sh... (HORN TOOTS) ...ones! - All right. Hurry up, then. - OK. - Bye. - Thank you. Oh, God. Last in, first out? Yeah. I'm really sorry, Ben. MOBILE PHONE BUZZES. Anna started after me. I'll give you a decent reference and you'll get a month's basic. We just lose interest. Same old, same old OK-ish sex we've been having for years. Yeah? Sex that doesn't blow our minds. Hello, ladies. Hi. Is the first rule of book club you never talk about the book? LAUGHTER I don't know if it's fate. We're forced to come to terms with what we're really like on the inside. What's left. I'm just so angry all the time. I hope you're listening to this, Rob. Oh, I'm living it! New painting? Yes. It's our imaginary commune, which we'll form once we've killed all our husbands. Oh, and I'm working late tonight at the refugee centre. Again? Listen, erm... I need to ask you for a loan. It's this fucking downturn. We've got a plan. Close two of the branches, streamline the rest, and go back to what we're best at - boutique. It can work, but I just need... I thought, erm, business was good. How much do you need? Well, erm... Go through the figures with you later? OK. OK to going through the figures or OK to the loan? OK to the loan. Who are you and what have you done with my wife? I thought I'd try and have a little more fun... Oh. ..because. What do you think? I think... I like it. It's, erm... It's a bit of a surprise but it looks good. It looks great. So this is where you hang out, eh? It's a bit, erm... Don't belittle it. Why would I do that? Listen, the Lighthouse has had a cancellation this weekend. I was going to take my wife but I wondered if you'd like to come instead? I know you've always wanted to go there. Hi. Hi. You must be, erm... Rob. Rob. Nick. Oh, Nick. Hello, mate. Hey. Pleased to meet you. Pleasure. Hi. Hi. Rob Harding from Harding's Estates. I see your "for sale" boards everywhere. Well, Jo actually suggested that we might do some kind of tie in. I don't know what. Maybe a function of some sort? We were talking about having a fundraiser and it could raise your profile and bring in a bunch of cash for the centre. OK, yeah, that could work. That's great. Brilliant. MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? Oh, hi, Nick. Oh, yes, absolutely. MOBILE PHONE BUZZES Yes, I'd love to tell you all about it. Hold on. Darling, I'm so sorry. We're going to have to cancel that weekend to the Lighthouse. There's just too much to organise. We'll do it another time, OK? Sorry. Yeah, not a problem. JO LAUGHS What?! How?! You haven't half got some swimmers there, kid. The thing is... ..I've lost a couple of babies. Nothing like you and Jo. Ten weeks, eight weeks. I'm going to keep it, Rob. I would like it if you would, erm... If we could... But not reluctantly. I don't want that. ROB EXHALES Also... ..I think I might have fallen in love with you. So, there's that. I'm sorry it's so messy. MUSIC PLAYS: Broken Stones by Paul Weller I don't do social media. I don't like the term "being followed". It's creepy. I just don't want to expose myself to the world. She's really come out the other end, hasn't she? She's done great. Excuse me, I've just got to... All right, Rob? All right, Kathy? Jo looks like she's in her element. Hi. So, erm, are you shagging your finance director? No! You all right, Dad? In a minute. Dad, seriously? Finn, we will talk. It's just I'm really... What are you two ladies talking about? Oh, I was just asking her about the hot date the last time we met. A bit more lukewarm, if I'm being honest. He wasn't so great. Oh, I'm starving. I'm sorry. It was lovely to see you. You look beautiful. You, too. Bye. I have to go talk to more people who deep pockets, OK? Fuck's sake! Can you look where you're going?! Shit! Fuck you. Ben. It's a turn up for the books when you're a friendly face. Whoa! Why didn't you shut the fucking door? No offence, Rob, but some of us need a little bit of help to get through nights like this. ROB SNIFFS Rob, I think that you've forgotten that that woman isn't the woman you will wake up with tomorrow morning. You see, you're married to Jo, who won't get out of bed, who's mean to you, who won't fuck you. Hey, that's not exactly true. She will get out of bed. I'm fucking pregnant, Rob. Did you forget? Yeah, it just went right over my head. Ah, nervous Nick. Just a bit. You've just got to go for it, mate. Just go for it. ROB SINGS: # Do not be afraid # For I have redeemed you # I have called your name # You are mine. # Please welcome to the stage Rob Harding, founder of Harding's Real Estates. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Erm, hello. Good evening. So, a big round of applause for the people who run this brilliant centre. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, erm, Jo... ..Harding, my wife. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And, erm, also... ..the people who...who use this centre, you know. People who've actually got problems in their lives who we seem to have forgotten to invite. ROB LAUGHS Actually, I tell a lie. We've got one. Erm... WHISPER: Look at the state of him. Dr Farid... He's off his tits. Look at him. ..Kassa... ..who's going to be talking later about... ..fleeing Aleppo. PIERCING HIGH-PITCHED SOUND So thank you all very much for coming. And, erm... PIERCING SOUND CONTINUES ..it's Nick next, so, can you be nice, because he's a bit nervous? Thank you. Knock 'em dead. APPLAUSE Good evening. For those of you who have come all the way down from London, that strange smell that's been bothering you, that's...oxygen. LAUGHTER Great speech, mate. Not a dry eye. Fuck off, arsehole. Oh, wait, I forgot my bag. I'll be right back. Got it. SCREECHING CHAIR REVERBERATES You're amazing, Jo. Jo. You're like a rare flower. It's not that complicated! It is for me. Fuck. I vowed I'd never be the kind of woman who would say this, but... ..you're going to have to choose. You're going to have to choose, Rob. Just give me a couple of days to get my head straight. Rob. You're happier with me. I'll see you later. OK. PHONE RINGS ANSWERPHONE: Hi. It's Jo. You know what to do. Hello, Jo. It's me. I just wanted to ring to say that I love you and I'm going to cook something this evening. Erm... Something special as a well done for last night. I'll pick some stuff up on the way home. And did I say that I love you? All right, see you in a bit. Bye. DOOR SLAMS I know you're home! You shitbag! You OK? Tickety-fucking-boo! Are you drunk? Oh, yeah. I wonder why that is. I know. It's because of this. No... This! This. Are you going to say something? It's not what you think. Seriously? It's not what I think? You're such a fucking disappointment. Have you any idea what it's been like living with you for the last year? It's been a fucking nightmare! Get out of my house! Get out of my fucking house! Subtitles by Red Bee Media