(SOMBRE MUSIC) - # What do you get when you fall in love? # You get enough tears to fill an ocean. # That's what you get for your devotion. I'll... (MATCH STRIKES) (FIRE ROARS) # I'll never fall in love again. # What do you get when you give your heart? # You get it all broken up and battered. # That's what you get ` # a heart that's shattered. I'll... # never fall in love again. (ALEX SOBS) # I'll... # never fall in love again. # www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2023 - The question we need to be asking ourselves is who is Lane's predator? - Me, with a crowbar. - No, Alex. - Um, the prime minister? - Yes, Michelle. Exactly. - Wait, the prime minister? - We have three options ` one, sit here and be paralysed by indecision; two, go back to the real safe place; or, three, go to Lane's boss and expose her to the whole country. (ALEX SCOFFS) - And she'll listen to us why? - (CHUCKLES) Funnily enough, I had thought of that, Alex. Guess what day it is tomorrow. Michelle? - It's Maintenance Monday. - Right again, Michelle! - Whoo! (CHUCKLES) - Maintenance Monday? - Mm-hm. It's the monthly cleaning day at Government House. - So? - So? Trust me. We have an opportunity to have an audience with the prime minister. All those in favour of going to the capital city to make the PM make Lane accountable for what she's done, say aye. - Aye. You need to say 'aye' for it to count. - Really? - Those men died without anyone even knowing they still existed. We need to change that. Aye. (KYU SAKAMOTO'S 'SUKIYAKI') - # Ue o muite arukou # namida ga # kobore nai you ni, # omoidasu haru no hi. # Hitoribotchi no yoru. # (WHISTLES TUNE) - You know what, Pip? I think you were made for the capital. The prime minister is really gonna love you. - Do you really think so? - Oh, I know so. You both have really good hair, and you both wear the colour purple even though you shouldn't. But you do it anyway, and that's confidence. - Thank you. It's really nice to have your support, Michelle, especially when everyone on this bus seems to fight me at every turn. (SIGHS) Do you think Bobby's gonna give us the evils forever? - I do think so, yes. - Maybe we should` - What? - Apologise. - What for? - Uh... I don't know. - I don't know either. - Maybe we should air our thoughts. - You're right. We should. But before we do, there's... something I need to do. (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) (TOILET FLUSHES) (DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) - Hi, Bobby. - (SQUEAKS GENTLY) - Um, we just wanted to... create some spa...ce, uh... and open up a dialogue for an unreserved apology for that thing that happened... - ...happened... - BOTH: ...on the table. And that we're ready to discuss when you're ready to discuss. - There's nothing to discuss. - Do you mean, like, you don't wanna discuss with us? - ...us? - I mean there's nothing to discuss. I'm fine. - Yeah. So, what usually happens with traumatised people is that they say they're fine, but what's actually happening is that they're bottling up all the ick they feel inside and covering it with this unconcerned veneer until one day there's too much ick, and then they explode. - (IMITATES EXPLOSION) - What happens to non-traumatised people? - Well, they say they're fine too, but` - So when I say I'm fine, I mean I'm fine. Oh, would you look at that? It's time... for you to go. Over there. - OK, yep. - OK, we'll just... We'll just be down here. He's definitely bottling it up. - Yeah, 100%. (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) (SOMBRE MUSIC) - Hey. You need to stay hydrated. - (SNIFFLES) - (HUMS) Can I help you? - What are you working on? - A new theory. The baby teeth one is toast since my sample set got exploded. - Look, Alex, I'm really sorry about Jackson. - Why? It was what you wanted. - (STAMMERS) I` I just wanted someone to trust. I was all alone, and he found me. For a few days there, he... pretended to be my best mate. And I believed him. - (SCOFFS) - I can see how he could have been a pretty choice brother. If you wanna make any sense of this, you're probably gonna need a military grid map. - This means something to you. - It looks like an MGRS code. - Meaning? - A military grid reference system. - Meaning? - Coordinates, a location. You used to be able to just look the grids up online, but now you might need a hard copy from the library or` - Government archives. - That'd do it. - Gooood morning, everyone! This is it. - MICHELLE: Wakey-wakey! - Welcome to the capital city. Reinvigorated post-pandemic, it boasts fully renewable energy sources and incentives for industrial enterprise. These are the government buildings, the seat of power, the hallowed halls, the real principal's office. - Yeah, we get it! (MERK'S 'LUCKY DILEMMA') - RECEPTIONIST: Can I help you? - Uh, yes. Oh, we're just going to speak to the... - OK, cool. But can I help you? - Uh... I'm sorry. You are...? - I'm the executive receptionist. Obviously. It's the reception desk. - OK, look, we have information in our possession that challenges everything we knew about the pandemic. - You're welcome to, one, write to the PM on one of our prepaid postcards; two, start a free petition; or, three, wait in one of our designated protest zones. - Stop the lies. (FEEDBACK WHINES) - OK. Thank you. Bye. - What are you gonna write in yours? - (SIGHS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) We are committee members of the Hiro Valley Council, and I'm here to lay a complaint about Wellness' gross human rights violations and the existence of men. Time is of the essence! And I'm not leaving until I've spoken to the prime minister now. - Excuse me. Did I just hear you mention Wellness and human rights violations? - Yes. Yes, you did. - Carla Tui, special counsel to the prime minister. - Pip. - And I'm Michelle. - Oh, right. Well, I can assure you the prime minister always has time for human rights. Well, I can assure you the prime minister always has time for human rights. (JAMIE GAGS) - Hey, maybe you should stay on the bus. - Right. Now is the time to stay on the bus after the mushroom juice, murders and explosions (!) - You didn't have a choice those times. - I don't have a choice now. - All right, we're on. Maintenance Monday. - PIP: Hello, Prime Minister. - Aww! - Prime Minister, hello. LOUDER: Hello, Prime Minister. Does my voice sound funny? - Do you want it to sound funny? - No, like, does it sound shallow, like there's nothing underneath it? Like, there's no, like, oomph! - That is how you talk. What? (WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) - That's her. That's her voice. - Excuse me. - She's in here! - Uh, excuse me. (SIOBHAN SAINTE'S 'MIDNIGHT') - # Hey-yeah, yeah-yeah. # Midnight run for the hills. # Hey-yeah, yeah-yeah. # Midnight come for the thrills. # - WHISPERS: Hey, hey, hey. Get out of there. This is a highly confidential cabinet meeting. - PRIME MINISTER: Carla? - Yes. - What's up? - Yeah, Prime Minister! - Slay! Brrat, brrat, brrat! Girl. - Your Grace. Uh... I` We are` We are committee members from Hiro Valley, and we need to go to your office... - Now. - ...right now. This is a matter of unprecedented national importance. - We're not crazy people. (CHUCKLES) - We can prove it. - I am so sorry, ma'am. - Don't be. I'm keen to maintain my connection to our regional representatives. You get a Maintenance Day support bunny. And you get a Maintenance Day support bunny. And you get a Maintenance Day support bunny. - Thank you. - OK, I'll just put on my little hat. All right. Hit me with the tea, honourable committee members of Hiro Valley. - Prime Minister, we have proved that Lane, the founder of Wellness and mayor of Hiro Valley, has been holding male survivors of the virus in a secret underground facility and forcibly extracting sperm from them for her own gains. Seven of these men perished yesterday, and Lane is accountable for their deaths. (STAMMERS) OK. I know if you had said this to me three weeks ago, I would have called you crazy. We thought all the men had died. - We have men ` you mean humans with a Y chromosome? - Right. Well, we thought they had all died until... (QUIETLY) until... - Yeah, oh. (MACHINE WHIRRS) You're gonna wanna sit down for this. - Nah, I'm all good. - Until... (MACHINE GRINDS, STALLS) (DISTANT CHATTER) - All I can see is feet, Carla. Is that all you can see? - Yep. Just feet. (MACHINE WHIRRS) - Until... - I'm being Punk'd right now. Is that it? Right wing radio hosts. (WHIRRING CONTINUES) - (GASPS) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (WHIRRING STOPS) (MICHELLE CHATTERS INDISTINCTLY) - (GASPS) Ew, Alex, No. Mini croissants are not pocket food. - I pay my taxes. - No, you don't, actually, because I do all the returns. - Shh. I need to take a piss. - Don't put your sugary, grubby fingers anywhere. Have some civic respect. - You mean these grubby fingers? (DOOR CLOSES) - READS: Don't... be... a... dick. Cheers. - All G. No B. - (CHUCKLES) (CLEARS THROAT) - I wanna completely and unreservedly apologise for the trauma and injustice you have suffered at the hands of unscrupulous people. - Thank you. - Have you thought about your place in society? - My place in society? - You're an army dude. Is that right? - Yep. - My brother Stu was in the army. He told me basic training was all about stripping away what makes you, you. So you could, like, follow orders. Sounded sus to me, but he deadass saw it as the best honour of his life. - Actually, I can relate to that. - Apropos of duty and honour, you ever hear of the man with the golden Arm? - Sorry? - I did my high school exhibition on him right before the virus hit. James Christopher Harrison ` Aussie guy. His blood was legit unicorn. It had these magic antibodies in it that helped little babies with blood disease glow up. From the first year he could, aged 18, right up until the last year he was allowed, ripe old 81, James Harrison made over a thousand donations. You want to know how many little bubbas he saved with that unicorn blood of his? 2.5 million. Just him and his fluids. 2.5 million. You know where I'm going with this, don't you? - So what, you just` you want a piece of me too? - Not if you agree to be the baker. - The baker? - They can't take a piece of you if you're the one making the cake. - (SIGHS) With all due respect, Prime Minister... This is bullshit. - I promise you, doing anything to you without your consent ain't me. Never will be. But here's the kicker. The ladies making babies right now ` their babies can't have babies without a guy like you being the baker. And without a baker, we're done as a species. Homo sapiens extinction event ` See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya. That's just science. Jimmy Harrison saved 2.5 million people. You could save so many more. - Why are you doing this? - Doing what? - Guilt tripping me into this game. - No game, Bobby. This ain't a zero-sum sitch. It's a mad win-win. Deadass. Deadest frickin' ass you ever deadassed. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (TENSE MUSIC) - Come to me, military shit. Substance reports, no. Capital crimes, no. Bunny report? READS: Investigation into the rise of Wellness in regional New Zealand. - Can I help you? - Nope. - Nope. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - WHISPERS: Alex, What did you do? - Nothing. - OK, fam. Carla's arranged a safe house for you in our new urban aeroponics shed. - Bobby's existence will remain confidential until our strategists have firmed up on comms. - Confidential? For how long? - Until we have a watertight plan. - What are you doing about Lane? - Yeah. - We're starting an inquiry into all Wellness activities in Hiro Valley. - An inquiry? But we just told you what she did. - Yes, And we need to verify. - Fuck the verify. - Jamie! - Look, you should be out there with everything you've got hunting her down. - Jamie, you need to chill. Carla's already deep dived into the rise of Wellness. - You mean the report that says Wellness is a high-level concern? - She must be referring to a draft report. But if mistakes have been made, then I will` - Oh, mistakes have been made. You've let Wellness spread its shitness all over this country. - PIP WHISPERS: Alex. - It's true, and they know it. The cult of Wellness has spread like a cancer because Lane has been using stolen sperm to convince everyone that being well leads to more babies. - I'll be the baker. - I'm sorry? - You're right. Let me go live to the nation, tell the full story. - No, you can't just go live to the nation. - Prime Minister, for years, years, I have been searching for this so-called safe place. Fuck me, did that not work out? But it doesn't matter, you see, because I don't need to find it. I need to make it safe for all of us. So call one of your press conference thingies. Let me tell my side of the story ` expose Wellness for the fuck it is. Then... Then I will be your baker. (PENSIVE SYNTH MUSIC) - Ma'am, with all due respect, if the public find out that a man survived the virus, there is no knowing how they'll react. - Call an emergency press conference. I'll speak to the nation tonight. - But, Prime Minister, I just` - That's right, Carla. I am the prime minister. - I would be remiss if I did not clarify. Are we really gonna do this? - Deadass. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Have you guys seen Michelle? - No. I thought she was with you. - If you want someone to kiss your arse, there's a cactus over here. - Shut up, Alex. Put them down. It's so disrespectful. - (SIGHS) - You look good for someone who's been shitting in the woods for eight years. - (CHUCKLES) - Here. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Stu gave that to me before he went on tour. I miss him. - SOFTLY: Yeah. - Here. - CHUCKLES: Oh. (GUN CLICKS) - (CHUCKLES) That thing's ancient. Any bullets would be dust by now. (CLICK!) Looks boss, though. You ready? - Ready. - Let's go make history. - Hm. (SIGHS) (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) - What? How did she...? - Good evening, everyone, and thank you for coming at such short notice. The prime minister will now make a pressing announcement. - WHISPERS: What? - Prime Minister. - Unbelievable. - Oh. - Thank you. This morning, three ladies from Hiro Valley came to me with an incredible story to tell. They're right here. Pip, Alex. Jamie, stand up so they can see you. (PEOPLE GASP, MURMUR) (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK) - Guys, stand up. Stand up. Hurry up. (CAMERA FLASH BULB THUNKS, WHINES) (MUFFLED CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK) - MUFFLED: Pip. There's someone out there. - Thank you. You can sit down. - WHISPERS: What? There's nothing there. - I was advised to keep this story confidential. It is a devastating truth to hear. But I believe the truth, however painful, is essential to our progress as a nation. And like so much of our pain, it involves a miracle. Today, I was made aware that a human with a Y chromosome survived the virus. (GASPING, MURMURING) Thank you. This person has been victimised beyond reason but bravely uncovered a treasonous and far-reaching conspiracy that has been years in the making. There will be a time for questions and a time for answers. But right now, I want to promise you that the perpetrators will be brought to justice. The lies end now. (TENSE SYNTH MUSIC) It is my honour to introduce to you Robert O'Connor. (ALL GASP) (GUNSHOT) (OMINOUS MUSIC) (SCREAMING) (PANICKED CHATTER) - And we have an incident here. A man has just walked on stage and shot the prime minister. I repeat, a man has shot the prime minister. - We've been set up. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Captions by Jessie Puru. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.